to come to the conclusion that the vast majority of men online dating are just on it for a shag?

[soontobedivorced]

or is it just me. And every one of my single female friends. Do men really not want relationships any more? Going to be a huge number of sad lonely old men sitting around in their rented flats surrounded by cats living on beans and smelling of pee in a few years time. You watch and see.

I have a friend who dating online worked really well for and a few that haven't. The woman who was sucessful put her actual age so that she would get a guy with a balanced view of women as opposed to one looking for fun.

"Going to be a huge number of sad lonely old men sitting around in their rented flats surrounded by cats living on beans and smelling of pee in a few years time. You watch and see."

I went into my town's wetherspoons last Sunday morning at 11:30 with my DS for a cooked breakfast and the place was wall to wall with men aged 40+, all men. At least a hundred of them. (Was me, DS, and 2 middle aged women having a coffee). They are all single and spending their lives drinking cheap lager/bitter in wetherspoons like saddos.

I can see men my age going the same way. The ones that are single want sex with no strings, and want to spend their money on beer, darts, football etc. Selfish man-child types basically.

TBH I'm getting very cynical about men in general. Even the supposedly nice ones in long term relationships seem to end up being twats discovered cheating/ flirting on FB/ fishing online etc.

There is a counter side to this, and that's the women on dating websites. Maybe it is because I was older (I was 38/39 then) than some but the second guy I dated, who I wound up being decent friends with, expressed a sigh of relief on on our first date that I was obviously what I said I was in my profile. The picture was recent, I wasn't looking for a meal ticket, equally obviously I wasn't looking for an instant husband (though I did wind up with one, much to my total surprise), I was just looking to date and see what was out there. To my total surprise, since I thought it was a nice picture, I kept being told I was better looking in person. One guy I didn't click with I fixed up with a friend, and they went out for about six months.

The problems of OD are the same as meeting anyone IRL, except that the dating motive is clearer in OD. But I find that you find what youre looking for. If you're convinced that every guy is a liar only out for one thing, you'll find them in droves. If you're convinced that people are nice and this is a fun way to meet some people, check them out and say yes or no (since there's always someone else on line to check out if it doesn't work out) you'll find that. If you're only looking for a husband and nothing else, I dare say you'll find someone who is just as keen to get married but be careful what you wish for. But that's the same advice I'd give in real life.

Call me retro, but if you don't want them to shag you and leave, then don't shag them right away. Not Ruies "you can only touch my left boob on the third date" stuff, but if you're not ready or sure this isn't someone in on the same terms you are, then don't sleep with him. Again, same advice I'd give in real life.

Yes of course my attitude turns them off

I'm quite open to being proven wrong about men being utter pricks. I approach every date with optimism and enthusiasm. Every man I've met has commented on what charming company I am.

But they're all only looking for easy sex or one-off dates, so really what I do or don't do actually makes no difference.

Posie didn't your other friends put their real age? What's the point in that?? You're just going to meet them and be found out to be a liar aren't you! V.silly.

I'm 30, look about right for my age, and have put my actual age (never occurred to me to lie). I had a 53 year old message me the other day! Yuk he was old enough to be my dad!

At the end of the day, online dating is what it is. In my experience the men you meet on it are in general probably going to be primarily after one thing, and DP's experience is that the women are date junkies.

However, there are other ways of meeting people and if your sole focus is online, you are missing a trick. Get out there and meet people face to face - it's so much better when the first time you chat to someone is in real life under organic circumstance because the bullshit isn't there. You may even meet a man as wonderful as DP - unlikely, but maybe.

If you approach every date with optimism that you could be proven Wong about men being utter pricks do you see where that might not attract the kind of guy you're hoping for? And definitely attract the kind of guy you're not?

Go read the dating thread thamesmead - it is a very sad state of affairs because everyone on there seems to have pre-conceived ideas that every man is a selfish, arrogant bastard, and just reinforce each others ideas that this is the case.

No, not one! All put around five years younger. They claim it's because a 38 year old man puts his wanted age as 25-35.

yep, tulisa, I do the social thing as well. and as I said earlier, the guy I dated from the social group did the dirty on me as well. and yes I do make them wait but it makes no difference. either they then drop contact or they hang around till they get what they wanted and then they drop me.

It's nothing to do with age.

I find there are even more men in their 40s purely looking for no strings one-off sex/skype and webcam.

And I'm sorry Thamesmead but its bollocks to say it's a simple as you find what you're looking for. 4 years ago I wanted a relationship. I still do. I'm still waiting. I have had MANY dates. Most have either obviously just been after sex, or certainly not looking for a relationship. And if you think I'm not optimistic, or going into it with the right attitude, you're quite wrong. This time last week I was about to go on a second date with what I thought (at last) was a nice normal man. 2 days after our second date, after saying he wanted to see me again, texting etc, he stopped contacting me, and I've heard nothing from him since.

I met my DP online, been together nearly 4 years and expecting first dc. He was looking for a relationship and two of his friends recently went online to meet girlfriends.

I've got to say, to the select few bitter ones on this thread, I bet it's you who is stopping you from meeting someone. You're probably putting a bad vibe out there or being defensive, predicting that your date just wants sex and scaring any nice men off. You do seem to be the common denominator if in 4-5yeard you haven't met 1 man who wants a relationship. Just mho.

I think it depends which site you are using tbh.

Oh and the expectations of men on there are hideously unrealistic. It's like they want every man to encompass the best qualities of Warren Buffet, George Clooney, Bradley Wiggins, Ray Mears and Steven Hawking, and if a person cannot live up to that expectation, they are automatically a loser.

mmmnoodle that may have been the case a few years ago, but things have changed. believe me.

stargirl, free or paid, makes no difference, I've tried both

tulisa not true, of me or my friends. all we want is a nice kind guy who treats us with care and respect.

I've met some really nice men on dating sites.

But have dumped every one of them. Not because they were awful, just because I didn't have the 'thing' going on.

They all wanted relationships. I kid ye not.

My DPs friends met their girlfriends this year so your experience isn't the same for everyone in the country.

I agree, what sites you use makes a big difference too.

I know women and men who have met life partners on OD. I think you have to kiss a lot of frogs....

Are you for real Tulisa? Why would you consider your DP such a catch when he's an entitled cheat who lies to women?

mcmooncup which sites did/do you and your dp's friends use, in that case?

Soon me too.

I have got one friend (late 30s) who has met lots of men seeking relationships. BUT she has no DC and will only date men without DC themselves. I wonder whether that makes a difference.

I know of two single men who are absolute sweethearts - kind, generous and extremely respectful. However their successes with women have been very limited because they are too shy, and will not make a move. It's their problem - they've looked to themselves and they accept it's their problem. That is the first stage of making improvements to your life.

Sorry I was saying me too to your post about wanting someone nice and kind to treat us with respect.

But I would like to know on what site these men seeking relationships might be found!

Okay, which websites are the ones with 'good' men on?

IMVHO success on OD has a lot to do with geography, ie where you live and the pool of men in that locality.

I'm not on any more, tend to get dates from real life now , but amazingly it was POF.

I know it's got a bad rep but I would keep my profile hidden because the messages you receive tend to make you want to lose the will to live, and only send an email to someone who caught my eye.

Also, very limited chat. If he didn't ask for a date (and I hadn't got an inkling of arsehole-ness already) within a few days, then I'd move on. I think the chat thing sends men into a sexual frenzy - getting all brave behind the keyboard. Once you've done the sex chat on messages, IME, it's game over before you start.