To open this can of worms?

[janflan]

Ok this might be long and confusing but I'm going to try and get all the detail in.

My parents divorced and my Dad remarried someone with the same name. My Mum kept her married name. so both my Mum and step mum have exactly the same names.

This is going back over 10 years now and my Grandfather (Dad's father) came into some money. He. decided very generously to share his good fortune and sent cheques for all his children and grandchildren. He also sent one to my Mum having been very fond of her when my parents were married and knowing she was ill and struggling financially. All the cheques were sent to my grandfather's children to be distributed to their own children.

My grandfather the following year received the rest of the money he came into and once again cheques were sent out to his children to distribute. These were 5 times larger than the year before. Only this time my Dad said there was no cheque for our Mum. He also said not to speak to our grandfather about it because we would come across as greedy.

Now there's no reason my grandfather would be obliged to send any money to our mum and it's not too far fetched to believe it's true. However it niggles away at me and i can't 100% believe my father. It would have been very easy for my step mum to cash that cheque with the names being the same. It was the last year my mum was alive too and the thought of what a difference that money could have made to that year makes me sad.

I could ask my grandfather but if my dad did steal that money then I'm opening a massive can of worms that i can't undo. It would cause a huge family feud and my grandfather would did knowing his son was a thief. Of course there's the possibility it's not true and then what do i look like?

We're not that close a family to be honest.

OP.
It really is so difficult for you and your siblings, but after 14 years - your grandfather may not even remember or have bank statements going back that far.

I agree with Kungfupanda and Rachog, as the best way to try to find out, be he may not remember.
Good luck in your decisions

I think he'll remember if he ever stopped sending it to mum because it would have been the only time.

Oh jan, your last post about your Mum spending her last year in poverty and your father & his wife living it up gave me goosebumps, and not very nice ones.

Did your father know about your mother's ill health and that it was life limiting? Did he know about her financial circumstances?

Regardless of the answers to the above, your father has acted in an awful way if he did indeed give money intended for your mother to his wife.

I don't think I could not know such a big thing actually and would probably take the approach suggested by abbierhodes.

Oh this is difficult!

Don't really know I'd do. Maybe more the "mum was so grateful for the £x you sent her for x years, really made a difference." and see if he says anything about the bigger cheque.

Instead she spent it in poverty while my dad and step mum bought 2 brand new cars and flashed the cash like it was going out of fashion.

Would they have been able to afford that regardless of your grandfather's money, or on one cheque? Did your dad and stepmum ever say anything about how they bought all the stuff that year?

Yes he knew she was ill at the time of the cheque not arriving.

When we were younger he'd regularly drop us home on a Sunday to a house in darkness because the electric meter had run out and there was no more money until Wednesday. As well as no food in the cupboards.

He walked away leaving her up to her eyeballs in debt. He never paid a penny in maintenance.

No they probably wouldn't have been able to afford it i don't think. Maybe on one cheque.

The problem with thanking for x amount was that it changed every year.

NO WAY, open that can of worms!
If your Dad did spend your mums money you will never forgive him! Things will never be the same and it wont change anything now!

I know that's what I'm worried about.

I think you and your siblings know in your hearts what the likely truth is.

I'm not sure you will ever be able to get the bottom of it and the damage it could cause to your relationships with your siblings and the hurt it would cause your grandfather would be horrific when you will most likely not achieve anything.

I can totally understand you wanting to get the bottom of it though .

I think you have to find out, regardless of the consequences. If you don't, it will eat away at you.

I think asking your grandfather in the context of dealing with old paperwork is the only way.

If it does appear that all hell will break loose, you can always backtrack and claim to have 'found' a piece of paper with the payment on, but at least you will know the truth.

If he did send the cheque to your mum and your dad stole it then your grandad probably thinks your mum was really rude not thanking him.

Could you bluff it with your dad and say grandad mentioned the cheque to you and that you know he took it - see if he admits it?

I think this is niggling youa nd siblings so much that it is damaging your relationship with your dad anyway. I would need to ask grandad somehow. afterall, he may not have given your mum the money and then your relationship with your dad will be restored.

I'd be a bit suspicious as to why your Dad said you were not to speak to your Grandad about it. If somebody says don't mention such and such there is usually a reason. There is no way of knowing the truth unless you ask your Grandad direct what his intentions were. And if they both have the same name would it not be difficult to prove who the cheque was intended for.

I would have to find out. So sad for your mother though OP, your dad sounds fairly heartless.

PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT DO IT

My dad took money that was ment for my sister and I, our great uncle put the money in some sort of bond for when we both turned 21 my mum knew about it but when I got to 21 no money turned up but my dad went on a 3 week holiday to Florida (i should have had about 3k) when my sister turned 21 2 years later he suddenly had a new car. We know he done it but the only way to prove it is to ask my uncle whos 83 now, he's very old fashioned about money and refuses to speak about it in general he also trusts my dad so there would never be any reason for him to check we have our money.

I thought long and hard about asking him but i decided not to do it he's an old man and would be heart broken if he found out. By the sounds of it you know yourself that your dad took the money please don't risk breaking your grandads heart for the sake of money that your mum can't use now, I'm assuming she was fond of your grandad too and i can't imagin she would want to cause him any pain.

What a horrible situation op

Maybe you need to decide what you will do if your suspicions are confirmed. Will you confront your dad?

feeling negative towards your dad because of this suspicion, it must be effecting your relationship quite a lot already...it's a horrible way to think that your dad may have done this to your mum.
I think you could just chat easily with your grandad about the years before and your younger years and how much the financial help had been so good and helpful for your mum, etc..how much she appreciated him always remembering her, etc..then maybe say it was a hard last year she had and it was fortunate that you were able to use some of your cheque to help her out and how much it helped, that because your GD had helped you, you could help her....he may then ask you why you needed to help your mum and may tell you that he sent her a cheque...as he always had done...it needs to come out I think.
This bad feeling will not go away and will effect your relationship with your dad anyway...secrets aren't good things to keep sometimes...this is one of those secrets I think

DON'T DO IT!

I would say not to do this for the sake of your Grandfather.

Its easy to open the can of worms but not easy to get all those wriggly little suckers back in.

Even if your father did do what you suspect him of having done, l would leave it to karma. Your grandfather probably doesn't need the stress of knowing his son may have done this so I would just let it go for his sake.

If there is a way to find out without involving your grandfather in any way, I would pursue it then.

It would really bother me to not know something like this so I feel for your situation OP. Your dad hasn't done a good job to prove himself as a trusted role model to his children and that is very sad.

I have one great "mystery" in my life which, like yours, involves a potential very grave injustice done to someone I love very much.. There is absolutely no way I can ever get to the definitive truth, and I'm really struggling to accept that I won't ever know what happened. It colours many, many aspects of my life and eats me up inside.

If I had someone I could ask in the knowledge that I'd get to the truth - I'd do it in an instant.