To open this can of worms?

[janflan]

Ok this might be long and confusing but I'm going to try and get all the detail in.

My parents divorced and my Dad remarried someone with the same name. My Mum kept her married name. so both my Mum and step mum have exactly the same names.

This is going back over 10 years now and my Grandfather (Dad's father) came into some money. He. decided very generously to share his good fortune and sent cheques for all his children and grandchildren. He also sent one to my Mum having been very fond of her when my parents were married and knowing she was ill and struggling financially. All the cheques were sent to my grandfather's children to be distributed to their own children.

My grandfather the following year received the rest of the money he came into and once again cheques were sent out to his children to distribute. These were 5 times larger than the year before. Only this time my Dad said there was no cheque for our Mum. He also said not to speak to our grandfather about it because we would come across as greedy.

Now there's no reason my grandfather would be obliged to send any money to our mum and it's not too far fetched to believe it's true. However it niggles away at me and i can't 100% believe my father. It would have been very easy for my step mum to cash that cheque with the names being the same. It was the last year my mum was alive too and the thought of what a difference that money could have made to that year makes me sad.

I could ask my grandfather but if my dad did steal that money then I'm opening a massive can of worms that i can't undo. It would cause a huge family feud and my grandfather would did knowing his son was a thief. Of course there's the possibility it's not true and then what do i look like?

Janflan is there anyone else in the family you trust enough to talk this through with? Ideally one of your dads siblings, they might be privy to information that your not.

Have you thought about how you'll feel about your grandad if it turns out that he only ever meant to give your mum one cheque? Are you ready to cope with how you may feel about him then and if you upset your dad by digging around and implying that his dad wasn't generous enough?

Don't forget your acting on a hunch, you have the same chance of being wrong as you have of being right.

This has niggled you for over 10 years. It must be important to you to have an answer. If your Mum's passing had been recent, I'ld have said go through her bank accounts to look for a second large cheque. Then nobody would know you were checking up on your Dad. I doubt you still have them after all this time. This leaves you no choice but to ask your dear Grandfather whether he gave your Mum a second cheque.

If putting this matter to rest is worth the possible upset then go ahead. But if it was me I would leave well alone.

I just can't think of a discrete way of asking.

No good will come of it i know.

You suspect your dad. You must ask, so if your father didn't take the cash you can move on. Otherwise it'll destroy your relationship with him

I think it should be asked in a subtle way- otherwise it would nag at you, eat away at your relationship with your dad and to some degree, affect your relationship with your grandad as there will be that elephant in the room. Ask subtly - some ways have been mentioned before. At least your mind will be at rest. TBH - your grandad probably has some of what your dad's character is like and this may allbe a big misunderstanding. He may have changed his mind over who gets money etc as is his right. But this has been eating away at you for some time, no?

Why don't you ask your dad directly?

You'll know if he's lying, and your problem is with him and what you suspect he may have done - not with your grandad.

Be careful of upsetting your grandad's relationship with his son, that's a tricky one.

Your grandfather also has the right to know if his money was misappropriated and if it was surely he deserves an explanation as to why he never received any thanks.

Speak to him, says its been bothering you and ask if there was a reason why he decided to stop sending money to your mum.

Thanks for everyone taking time to reply.

I feel sick at the thought of confronting this. There would be no going back.

My siblings think we should leave well alone.

There's another issue as well i wouldn't mind knowing the answer to.

I would ask your dad, stressing that you're confused as to why it stopped so suddenly especially as your grandad knew your mum was unwell and could have used it (I'm assuming this was the case).

Hopefully, if your dad did keep the cheque (and from the details you've given I'd be very suspicious too), he will have the balls to confess rather than risk you asking your grandad directly (you don't have to actually do that, but if your dad thinks you might he's more likely to tell the truth I'd have thought).

I'm sorry you're in such a horrible situation.

He won't confess i know he won't.

Then tbh I'd leave it alone, especially if your siblings aren't in agreement with you asking.

Either outcome will be painful - either your grandad suddenly cut your mum out when she needed his support most, or your dad and stepmum are nasty, dishonest so-and-so's.

As you've said yourself, no good will come of it.

You need to find out without letting your Grandad know, he would be devastated if he thought your Mum was upset towards the end and even more so to know his son was the cause. I do agree you should know though, just need to find the exact right words. Good luck.

I don't know to be honest mum wasn't very well and wasn't completely mentally with it. So dad could have used that as an excuse for no thank you.

Could you ask why he didn't send the money last time? Had Mum offended him in any way? That sort of thing.

Or ask your dad if he knew of any reason? Or even ask your stepmother?

I think the checking the bank account records is a really good idea. Can you find them OP? Are you the executor (if your Mum left a will?). Have a look at the all documents that you can. A solicitor might be holding some in their files? Don't know if the tax office could help you here (again probably only if you are the executor).

My mum had nothing when she died. She was living in a nursing home, no house or anything. Prior to her going to the nursing home my siblings and i were caring for her. If she'd had any money we would have known about it.

Did the cheques to your DM always go via your father ?

Legally, what you are suggesting would straightforwardly be theft. (With 7 year history of payments).
Therefore one way you could approach it would be to contact your GD's bank saying you suspect theft and all the details (including maiden names, dates of birth, towns of birth, your DM's bank acct details, 7 yr history) and describe your suspicion. They will be able to trace the cheque if it exists.
If the cheque was cleared into DSM acct, they would then be legally obliged to pass the matter on to the police as suspected theft or at very least to contact your GD to establish who he had meant the cheque to be for.

Do not let them know your DM is dead in the 1st instance, may be too easy for them to avoid doing anything.

Good luck.
Hope you get some closure on this.

Could you tell your Grandad that you are going through your Mums financial affairs and that you can find a record of the first cheque but were there any more bequests or gifts that he is aware of? The if he says no you can let it lie, if he says yes then you will have your answer and you could just say you have alot more paperwork to look through.

I think you should think about it.

Write a list of reasons for and against asking your grandad. Same with asking your dad.

Put the list in a safe place and mull it over for a week. It doesn't sound like there's a particular rush, apart from, obviously, this is bothering you.

She died over 10years ago would that still be possible?

The cheques always went through my dad until that year and since then have come directly to us. There could be something in that maybe my grandfather suspected something.

i like lollilou's idea - but of course, it should be 7 years and the last year not there - maybe say "after the cheque in year were there any others so we have a complete record?"

I think you know the answer already. You're struggling because you know that your father did that to your mother, and tat you and your siblings allowed it. Would it help to see your father punished? If it were me I'd definitely want to go down that route, but it depends on your relationship with your father.

x-posts - i bet he did know, then.

ask him.
the more you say, the more it sounds like it's true.