To open this can of worms?

[janflan]

Ok this might be long and confusing but I'm going to try and get all the detail in.

My parents divorced and my Dad remarried someone with the same name. My Mum kept her married name. so both my Mum and step mum have exactly the same names.

This is going back over 10 years now and my Grandfather (Dad's father) came into some money. He. decided very generously to share his good fortune and sent cheques for all his children and grandchildren. He also sent one to my Mum having been very fond of her when my parents were married and knowing she was ill and struggling financially. All the cheques were sent to my grandfather's children to be distributed to their own children.

My grandfather the following year received the rest of the money he came into and once again cheques were sent out to his children to distribute. These were 5 times larger than the year before. Only this time my Dad said there was no cheque for our Mum. He also said not to speak to our grandfather about it because we would come across as greedy.

Now there's no reason my grandfather would be obliged to send any money to our mum and it's not too far fetched to believe it's true. However it niggles away at me and i can't 100% believe my father. It would have been very easy for my step mum to cash that cheque with the names being the same. It was the last year my mum was alive too and the thought of what a difference that money could have made to that year makes me sad.

I could ask my grandfather but if my dad did steal that money then I'm opening a massive can of worms that i can't undo. It would cause a huge family feud and my grandfather would did knowing his son was a thief. Of course there's the possibility it's not true and then what do i look like?

Can you tell your grandad that you have been going through some old statements and you noticed that she never paid in a cheque from him in the final year and could he confirm whether or not it was ever cashed, as you are wondering if it went astray.

Also who was controlling DM's finances ?

Could the cheque have been cleared into her acct but taken out by those with power of attorney ?

What a horrible situation to be in OP

The only thing I can tell you is that the bank won't do anything on your say-so on someone else's account. Regardless of the suspicion of theft. It is up to the police to raise the incident with them, not the other way round.

Or rather, all they can do is flag it at the time but you would never know any further details about it.

My Sister was but there's no way she would have taken it.

I remember the conversation with our dad about mum not having the cheque that year.

Surely if you receive a gift like this the first thing you would do is write/phone to say "thank you dearest grandfather/xFIL for the generous gift, how kind, how helpful" etc etc. If your mum didn't do this (because she didn't receive the cheque) he's probably spent the last year wondering why she was so rude, and feeling perplexed and, likely, very hurt. You'd be doing everyone - yourself, your grandfather, and your mum - a favour by clearing this up. In a nutshell your grandfather is going to be hurt either way - by your father's dishonesty, or your mother's (assumed) ingratitude.

10 years, that is a long time.

I think it is still possible if you have accurate dates.
But you may have a lot of problems motivating the bank to lift a finger, I think.

Actually thinking about it it's more like 14 years because i would have been 16.

This sounds sneaky, and I would never do it, to be honest, but if you are sure of your dates could you somehow get a look at either your step mother or grandfather's bank statements for the period in question (supposing they still have them after all this time).

It sounds like your grandfather knows or suspects and has not done anything about it, though. It must be horrible for him to think that his son did this :(

That would be impossible. I very rarely go to either house.

Sorry for your loss.

I would ask outright. It was your grandfather's money to do with as he wished. If those wishes haven't been carried out, he deserves to know.

The banks can go back only 10 years, at least it was so in 1997.
If your grandad stated he wanted the money to go to his granchildren, all the cheques should have been in their name to ensure it did. So the cheques received by your father were for you, not for him and his new wife, if that is the case

Oh gosh, yes, I would ask. I think you have to.

There are ways around this without your grandfather finding out the truth, or even your dad finding out that you know. What you really need to reconcile is whether or not you can potentially accept the fact that your dad is a thief who stole from your mum. Personally, I would need to know that. I couldn't not know. Even if I found out I'd been wrong all along, I'd rather know that, or even that my dad was a liar, than to live with the not knowing.

I would have to ask.

The cheques were in our names thex were just posted to our dad who then passed them onto us. Up until that year he'd pass us a cheque for mum as well.

I think you're onto a loser here janflan. It's pretty much your word against your fathers and considering the time frame and the fact you were young, you're running a huge risk of creating friction that causes you to be cast in an awful light

Your grandad would have to believe your suspicions to initiate any investigations by his bank if they were possible, it wouldn't be unreasonable to think he may prefer to listen to his sons version of events, which if he is the character you suspect, may include some nasty deflections. It's not too far fetched to imagine someone in this situation saying that you were purposely trying to make trouble. Thing is there is no way to easily access any type of proof either way.

I think you need to address the relationship with your father separately tbh, but failing that I would urge you to really think about the consequences of making this an issue. All possible outcomes, how they would make you feel and what would be different afterwards.

You obviously have some issues with your dads behaviour, there's nothing wrong with fading him out of your life or if you have solid evidence exposing him, but risking your own family relationships based on suspicions formed when you were a teenager isn't a great move imho.

Oh crikey, what a horrible situation. I think I would ask too. As TidyDancer says, I would want to know rather than live with not knowing. I have to be honest, it doesn't look good.

Also what if your grandfather purposely didn't include your mum?

Do you transfer the blame and hurt for her to your grandfather? Are you prepared to lose that relationship if you're wrong?

I like kungfu pandas idea. Just say you were looking through records and the cheque for that year never cleared the account, did it leave his account. If he never gave a cheque that year he will say so. If he says yes, or he will check his bank statements then you know sm cashed it.

It doesn't look good does it I'm 90% sure he took that money and so are my siblings.

I will think on this more before i do anything though because it could cause a whole heapof trouble.

I won't blame my grandfather if he didn't send her money that year. It's his money to do what he likes with and she appreciated it anyway.

So, until your mum sadly passed away, 14 years ago, you all received a cheque in your own names signed by grandad , but sent by your dad.

Yes sent to dad by granddad and signed by granddad then given to us by dad. The cheques have continued after mum's death but now sent directly to us.

Ps. I see now that your mum did not receive a cheque the next time while she was ill but still alive.?

Yes it was the year before she died she didn't receive a cheque but had every year prior to that for the last 7 years.

I know this sounds sneaky OP but could you get your hands on any bank statements? Offer to water plants while they're next on holiday and have a snoop?