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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be peed off at parents who drop their children's off at birthday parties...

330 replies

AnnaLiza · 10/11/2012 14:05

....instead of offering to help out!
It's not only about the child being able to cope without the parent. I do expect 11 year olds to be ok without the parents but how can it not occur to mums and dads that I may struggle to feed and look after a bunch of 15 kids when they sit down for food and cake?
I find it very rude that the parents just shoot off without even asking if I might need help. AIBU?

OP posts:
forevergreek · 10/11/2012 15:32

huh? i dont quiet understand

so... it was an organised party, with staff/ entertainment spy mission thing. then they had to just sit down where the food was ready (was food provided by the place?)

you paid the place to clean up surely thats why you are there? throwing food/drink was bad behaviour but they expect it at those places and you just get up and go home leaving mess there!!

im not grasping what you needed help with? did you have to spoon feed each child?

at that kind of party i would be sitting in the corner with my kindle, let them get on with it, and applaud myself that i have no plates to load in the dishwasher at the end!

Catsdontcare · 10/11/2012 15:32

It's a shame they were so badly behaved I think most parents would assume that a party hosted at spy misision would be supervised by staff. I would also assume most parents would think their 11 year old would be capable of sitting down to eat without being a little sod. I think I would be more annoyed at the kids who acted up than the patents who didn't offer to help

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/11/2012 15:32

You might be better off complaining that the staff you paid to help host your party did nothing to help. They are the ones you have a gripe with, not the parents who just accepted a party invitation and are unable to telepathically see that you might need more assistance.

I wouldn't expect to need help if I was paying for a party, nor would I offer to help if I knew someone else was having a party a place that claims to cater for birthday parties. Just because that's part of what you are paying for.

You may have reason to be upset with the parents for bringing their children up like animals who hint it's acceptable to throw food around, but not because they didn't offer to help.

CockyPants · 10/11/2012 15:32

What I hate are church hall parties when parents stay on, but make no offer of help to hand out food or clear up. The number of mums who just use the party as a social event for themselves instead of mucking in to help the poor frazzled party host mum...grr. I always stay and help. Polishes haloGrin

howlingcow · 10/11/2012 15:32

Are you not good friends with at least 1 or 2 of the parents? Normally the offer of wine and nibbles for a bit of help goes down well with good pals. I know for a fact that some party hosts (me included!) don't want a room full of parents hanging about getting in the way expecting small talk when I hardly know them!

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 10/11/2012 15:34

Your kid has got to age 11 and you don't understand the basic rules of parties (drop and run after age 5) by now??? Aye right, ..... Hmm

MrsMelons · 10/11/2012 15:41

YABU if you can't host the party don't have it.

I would be surprised if any parents of 11 year olds would offer to help, I'm sure it wouldn'y cross their mind. I thought parents stopped going to parties with the DCs at Junior school.

Lueji · 10/11/2012 15:42

If you want help from the parents, specifically ask them when you invite the children to help, or tell them they are welcome to stay.

Or do pay for help. I'm sure there will be children's party organisers near you, if you can afford to pay them.

I wouldn't assume a party for 11 year olds would need my help.

And it's bad planning to "expect" parents to volunteer to help.

Particularly with 15 boys, some food fighting can be expected.
Next time, have a hose ready. Wink

MrsMelons · 10/11/2012 15:43

I am really shocked that 11 year olds are that badly behaved at a party. I wouldn't put up with that from a 4 year olds party.

Lueji · 10/11/2012 15:43

Ah, missed the last post by OP.

Make a complaint to the venue manager/organisers.

Original poster
AnnaLiza · 10/11/2012 15:46

forevergreek the staff brought the food on a sort of trolley so I had to pass it around and same thing with drinks and the cake (which I brought from home). It was hard work having to wait on 15 kids never mind the unruly behaviour and food throwing.
Plus the staff were rather annoyed that I couldn't keep them under control

OP posts:
crazygracieuk · 10/11/2012 15:46

Yabu.
If you don't know anyone then you need to limit the numbers or do something that needs limited input from you.
Dd had a sleep over for her 9th which was limited to 5 girls as sleep overs require input from me but ds1 had a cinema and McDonalds party where my biggest job was ordering tickets and food so invited 10. (We had just moved so nobody to depend on)

Indith · 10/11/2012 15:49

Below age 5 parent stays. 5 and above is dump and run unless otherwise specified.

If you need help you ask the parents of a couple of the kids, usually the ones you know best, if they mind helping you out.

MegaClutterSlut · 10/11/2012 15:52

tbh there is no way I would host a party by myself for 15 11yr olds. You were bloody brave to even attempt it lol but expecting the parents to stay without asking....yabu, I stopped staying with them when they were 5

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/11/2012 15:52

Really, you need to complain about the party venue, not the other parents.

Would you accept an invitation to a wedding and then expect to conduct the ceremony yourself? No. But you are expecting parents to know that you needed help when there is no reason in the world that they would know!

Original poster
AnnaLiza · 10/11/2012 15:57

Why would I complain to the party organisers though? That's the way they run the parties there.

OP posts:
nkf · 10/11/2012 15:57

You've got the etiquette wrong. Ask a few for help. But for most mums, it's drop and run, yelling yippee at the thought of getting a few things done without the kids aroudnd.

Pagwatch · 10/11/2012 16:01

Did the venue lead you to believe that they would oversee the food?

I have every sympathy for how difficult you found it.
But I cannot comprehend why you think it is reasonable to expect a couple of people to hang around for an hour to help you out with the food. It is incredibly rude.
If you want people to do you a favour you just ask. It's simple good manners.
If someone asked me I may well help out - happily. If someone just expects it,that is quite a different matter.

The fact that people have been lumbered like this before has just led you to expect them to do it every time.

Tuttutitlookslikerain · 10/11/2012 16:02

YABVU I stopped staying at parties when mine were about 5!

DS1 is off to an 18th on Friday, I think about 60 are going. I shall put my glad rags on and embarrass him offer to help the host's mum!

cory · 10/11/2012 16:03

"It was hard work having to wait on 15 kids never mind the unruly behaviour and food throwing."

But why on earth did you????

Why didn't you just grab the birthday and two of his friends and make them wait at the table?

I don't get this. There you were with 15 (presumably) able bodied young lads and you did all the work yourself while they sat around getting bored and out of control!!! WHY?

And yes, I do have a boy of this age. If I need a helping hand, I would grab any friend of his who is foolish enough to come within a grabbing radius of our house.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/11/2012 16:04

You complain to the party organisers because you don't like the way they run parties there, and you would have liked to have been given the option of paying more for help to supervise the whole party.

TheDetective · 10/11/2012 16:04

Wouldn't they be able to serve themselves at that age? I mean, the food is on the trolley - instructions to line up and take a plateful each?

cory · 10/11/2012 16:05

How do you think teachers manage at school? Do they just leave the whole class sitting watching whilst they set up lab equipment for every single pupil/take the register to the office/move every individual chair? Of course not, they get the young people to make themselves useful; otherwise everything would take ages and be incredibly boring.

I think you gravely underestimate the usefulness of 11yos.

scottishmummy · 10/11/2012 16:07

no idea why you're getting a hard time,other parents should have helped
they should have graciously offered,and not left you to it
unfair,and a great amount if hassle I imagine

cory · 10/11/2012 16:11

To make myself perfectly clear:

YANBU for feeling pissed off at this rotten experience- it sounds dire

but

YABU for treating 11yos like babies, for not asking for them for help, for blaming their parents rather than the boys when they misbehaved

What kind of involvement would you expect from your own 11yo at a family event? Would you expect him to sit around helplessly or make himself useful? Because I know which one I would expect- and I know who I would get cross with if expectations were not met.