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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find my friends attitude to Wills and guardianship frustrating and irresponsible?

42 replies

CrapBag · 09/11/2012 22:16

I am on the process of changing our Wills as we made them before we had DC2 and stupidly didn't make a provision about any future children.

I was telling my friend about it today and how I want to get it sorted as if familes don't agree on who should look after children, they could end up in care.

She just said "oh I'm sure my family would sort it out". I then mentioned her MIL and said what if she didn't agree and wanted to have custody but your family also wanted it. I pointed out that the courts could just end up putting children in care. She again just said "no I'm sure they will sort it out".

AIBU to think that this is A, irresponsible not to set out who you wish to be guardians and B who wants to have to deal with this at the time of a bereavement? I think parents should appoint guardians and put it in writing, not rely on others to sort it out between themselves in the event of death.

OP posts:
mercibucket · 09/11/2012 22:22

We haven't and I don't have a clue who could look after them. Guess our families would sort it out.

mercibucket · 09/11/2012 22:22

We haven't and I don't have a clue who could look after them. Guess our families would sort it out.

Original poster
CrapBag · 09/11/2012 22:27

merci unfortunately that is exactly what I am talking about. Would you really be happy for your children to go into care because you hadn't sorted it out yourself?

OP posts:
Flyonthewindscreen · 09/11/2012 22:32

What if you don't have any family members that are suitable. We don't and that is the only reason me/DH have not made a will.

Panzee · 09/11/2012 22:33

I would be happy with any of my family to do it, so I haven't made a will.

Original poster
CrapBag · 09/11/2012 22:34

Kamer obviously that is a different situation, if there isn't anyone you can name, then you can't do anything else.

OP posts:
Flyonthewindscreen · 09/11/2012 22:34

Not all parents have various sets of relatives likely to be fighting over their DC. Agree in an ideal world everyone would have a will leaving everything in immaculate order.

Gumby · 09/11/2012 22:35

Social services use care as a last resort

In the circumstances you suggest they would decide the appropriate carer

Its far cheaper for them to use family than go down the care route

Original poster
CrapBag · 09/11/2012 22:36

Panzee its not about you being happy, its about them maybe not coming to an agreement. If they don't and it all ended up in court, they don't always go to the family and your children can end up in care because the parents haven't got it sorted themselves. It shouldn't be left to familes to decide and sort out anyway. When there are people that can be chosen, the parents should chose and get a will done.

Kmer do you not have friends who would do it? A genuine question. Smile

OP posts:
ReallyTired · 09/11/2012 22:37

"I was telling my friend about it today and how I want to get it sorted as if familes don't agree on who should look after children, they could end up in care."

I don't think that my children ending up in care is necessarily the worse option.

TeaDr1nker · 09/11/2012 22:38

I totally get you. We have also sorted out what would happen to the kids if we die before they are 18. I also find it strange that one wouldn't.

I wish people would not be so blasse about these things. They are your children. Who should become guardians? Get it sorted as it's only the children who suffer if people don't.

Dragonwoman · 09/11/2012 22:39

Stipulating guardianship in a will is only ever an expression of wishes anyway. You cant leave your children to someone like you can a possession. Relatives can still challenge in court and gain custody from the nominated guardian. I have seen it happen.

scarlettsmummy2 · 09/11/2012 22:40

I hadn't even thought about this! And I have a legal background. Quite scared nowBlush

Original poster
CrapBag · 09/11/2012 22:40

Reallytired thats sad. Sad

I am not saying I have an abundance of reletives to choose from, far from it but I want to know they will go to the ones who we want them too, not others who may offer but wouldn't be our choice.

OP posts:
mercibucket · 09/11/2012 22:40

Gosh well who to choose? The bipolar sister with chronic illhealth, paranoid brother with no job and a lot of 'problems', mil in her 80s, parents in 70s. Endless choice! Or friends? But maybe in a few years we won't be as close to them. Friends come and go. Who knows? I don't feel overwhelmed with options tbh. So I prefer to count on the fact it's incredibly rare to lose both parents and hope if it does happen it's when they're a bit older. And , yes, let family fight it out once we're gone. Who would you choose?

mercibucket · 09/11/2012 22:40

Gosh well who to choose? The bipolar sister with chronic illhealth, paranoid brother with no job and a lot of 'problems', mil in her 80s, parents in 70s. Endless choice! Or friends? But maybe in a few years we won't be as close to them. Friends come and go. Who knows? I don't feel overwhelmed with options tbh. So I prefer to count on the fact it's incredibly rare to lose both parents and hope if it does happen it's when they're a bit older. And , yes, let family fight it out once we're gone. Who would you choose?

Original poster
CrapBag · 09/11/2012 22:41

Dragon luckily I don't see that happening in our case. Thats stupid though, its going against the wishes of the parents!

OP posts:
CarolynKnappShappey · 09/11/2012 22:41

Bear in mind that it is desperately unusual for both parents to die together. It's much more likely that one half of the couple would die - leaving the other in a terrible legal and financial mess, especially if you're unmarried. Hence you should not let the absence of a perfect guardianship candidate prevent you from making a will.

CarolynKnappShappey · 09/11/2012 22:41

Bear in mind that it is desperately unusual for both parents to die together. It's much more likely that one half of the couple would die - leaving the other in a terrible legal and financial mess, especially if you're unmarried. Hence you should not let the absence of a perfect guardianship candidate prevent you from making a will.

MsHighwater · 09/11/2012 22:44

You don't have to state who should look after the children. It is possible to appoint someone (or more than one person) to take responsibility for the decision at the time. We did this on solicitor's advice.

Original poster
CrapBag · 09/11/2012 22:49

We have 3 named and it is basically who would be in the best position at the time and they would decide. But it would be one of them.

I'm not over the moon about our choices but they are the preferred option.

OP posts:
Dragonwoman · 09/11/2012 22:50

Yeah in the case I knew about relative A was nominated but relative B challenged and made allegations that relative A was unfit. Relative A countered that relative B was unfit and social services were considering taking child into care. However relative B eventually backed down and relative A did get custody but it took 2 years and cost relative A over 15k in legal fees. After seeing this I don't consider guardianship wishes worth the paper they are written on and I certainly wouldn't bother with one. ( we don't have anyone to name anyway).

Flyonthewindscreen · 09/11/2012 22:50

All family pushing 80 on my side. ILs pushing 70 but could'nt imagine them coping long term with older DC. Only sibling SIL who is happily child free and hasn't ever babysat in 10 years. My best friend lives 200 miles away and is single and childfree also so not sure how logistics would work. So no one household that would be fair to name as a guardian. It isn't that I haven't given it any thought.

fortyplus · 09/11/2012 22:57

The people best suited to care of your children may well change with time. My friend's husband sadly died when the kids were 11 and 13. She chatted with us because all her (lovely) family lived hundreds of miles away and she was trying to decide which of them should become legal guardians if she died too. I pointed out that - having already tragically lost their father - if she died too then possibly the worst thing to do would be to uproot the kids from their home, school and friends. I suggested how about make one of her family legal guardian but with a caveat that the kids could live with us at least in term time.

I'm pleased to say they're now 19 and 21 and my friend is still alive and well Smile

suburbophobe · 09/11/2012 22:58

I don't think that my children ending up in care is necessarily the worse option.

Wow.

When I read all the abuse going on in (and outside of) care homes, I thank God I am lucky to have my will sorted.