to find my friends attitude to Wills and guardianship frustrating and irresponsible?

[CrapBag]

I am on the process of changing our Wills as we made them before we had DC2 and stupidly didn't make a provision about any future children.

I was telling my friend about it today and how I want to get it sorted as if familes don't agree on who should look after children, they could end up in care.

She just said "oh I'm sure my family would sort it out". I then mentioned her MIL and said what if she didn't agree and wanted to have custody but your family also wanted it. I pointed out that the courts could just end up putting children in care. She again just said "no I'm sure they will sort it out".

AIBU to think that this is A, irresponsible not to set out who you wish to be guardians and B who wants to have to deal with this at the time of a bereavement? I think parents should appoint guardians and put it in writing, not rely on others to sort it out between themselves in the event of death.

You can't "will" your children. You can appoint guardians but the courts will judge whether they are suitable or not. It's a nice idea to be able to leave them like a possession, but in reality the state will step in and over view

it is highly unlikely your children would end up in care because you hadn't named guardians. SS don't become involved as a matter of course...

Crapbag - you are doing the right thing - and being very responsible to think about it. We have named my BIL for our kids but he's not ideal and we don't really have any ideal family members tbh but felt we should name someone - it doesn't have to be family it could be godparents or friends but the important thing is to think about it and get a will done - you can change your mind as yes - your friends change or your decision about who is best to have your children should the need arise changes but if you choose a company to write your will and pay for storage with them, usually you can then get free amendments when needed. It's hassle but at least you keep your wills updated. Another important thing to consider when making a will is Power of Attorney - these things aren't cheap but are really important and I would recommend everyone thinks about it - especially if you have separate accounts from your partner/husband - because if anything happened to him/her you will need access to money and make decisions on his behalf. My dad died recently but before he died he was due a payout from a bond and although in both his and my mum's name the company said they would need a POA to deal with it and my dad was in ICU in no position to sign a POA so would have had to get Drs to help etc. But is is difficult with aging parents and not so responsible siblings to find anyone who you can say "yes I want them to have my children should anything happen to us". Some people just don't like to have to think abou the "what ifs" in life but although it's expensive to do - it is for the best.

Maybe your friend has enough confidence in her own personal family situation that the families and people involved would do the best thing for the children. I don't have a legally written provision for who would look after my children if both me and their Dad were to die, but I'm 100% sure that they would not end up in care and they would be well looked after by both sides of the family.

I've done this. Just updated as kids older now. Named three friends and it is whoever is in best position at the time. Family live a bit far away and kids would have to leave schools and their friends so I have picked local friends who the children know and like. Obviously hope it won't come to that but I need to know that something is in place and my children know that it is. If the worst happened they'd know what was likely to happen to them.

If you have family who would sort it out between them then it's not irresponsible to leave it to them

The thing is she is assuming they will sort it out. Maybe her family would but if her DH's family got involved as well and disagreed then that would change things. That is the point I was trying to make to her.

Interesting about the POA. How exactly do you do that and what does it involve? DH and I have completely separate accounts.

Not all kids in care have a horrible time, many foster parents are wonderful people.

I have wrote my wishes down to be transferred to a will when I can afford it.

Basically my step brother, his sister and a close friend of my dp and a close friend of myself will make a joint decision out of all who wish to have her.

My step brother is named as guardian for money. I'd imagine if we both die dd will inherit any money from life insurance and capital from the house. This money would be used to help with her keep and for her education. The money guardians keep track on where it's going so she is not financially abused.

I may be thinking pie in the sky but that's what I would think.

If people were fighting over guardianship, why would the court give it to neither party? Surely they'd award it to one or the other (assuming they were suitable). That smacks of children fighting over a toy " well if you can't share I'm taking it away" .

Why do you believe children will be placed in care rather than with family members? This is just not the case.

This situation worries me, which is why DP and I have made wills and ensure they are updated. Life insurance too.

FTR, my sister gets the DCs in the event both DP and I die at the same time. She also gets them if DP dies and then I do, or the other way around. After her, there isn't a particularly wonderful option. My DM and PILs are all over the age of 60 and while they are completely capable, I'm not sure it's fair on them to expect they raise small DCs. If my sister was to die with or before DP and I, then BIL would be the default carer, but I don't know if he would be in a position to actually take care of the DCs, or just be their advocate, IYGWIM.

DP and I get legal custody of his half sister's two DS and DD and are very happy to take them on, but they live quite far away and if the situation were reversed I wouldn't want my DCs living that far from the GPs etc.

Anyway, that was off on a tangent, but the complications are the reason I would not want to die without a will.

Making a will doesn't really change anything. And your children won't be put in car because you didn't.

I think you are being judgy fussmental.
You can make all the statements you like & the courts could still put your children in care if they didn't like your preferences -- that's all statements in a will are, when it comes to custody of children: preferences.

I like your friend's laid back style. Sensible.

I don't think my child would do into care, but i have left a will with a named guardian because I don't want to add extra stress and pressure to my family at a time when they will be grieving. The guardian is not necessarily going to look after DS but will decide who is in the best position to do so and this has been explained to her. We have also appointed different guardians for money so the responsibility is spread around the family.

be put into care, obviously

"It is possible to appoint someone (or more than one person) to take responsibility for the decision at the time. We did this on solicitor's advice."

I'm this for my sister's kids.

Jesus I hope I never have to make that call :(

My parents wills stated that their brothers and sisters were to decide what was best between them. Ours name BIL as guardian but it is in the sense that he gets to decide, he doesn't necessarily have to be permanent guardian. He'd be ideal in many ways but lives a long way from us.

Even if you don't want to name guardians it is a good idea to make wills so that your DCs financial interests are taken care of (and each other's if only one of you dies), it makes everything a lot more straightforward for surviving family members.