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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to invite DS1's best friend round without having to invite his twin sister?

47 replies

ceebeegeebies · 09/11/2012 21:02

Don't get me wrong, she is a lovely girl but would like it if DS1's best friend could come to play by himself occasionally - am I mean?

Their mum has said she would like the boy to come by himself as he is quite shy and thinks it would be beneficial for him to not have his sister to rely on but she always asks if she can come aswell and I can't really say no.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/11/2012 21:03

Strange of the mum to request it really.
Yanbu, but I'm not sure how you say no without offending.

Original poster
ceebeegeebies · 09/11/2012 21:05

Sorry, I meant the girl always asks if she can come, not the mum Blush

OP posts:
BeauNeidel · 09/11/2012 21:06

YANBU. Can you just have a quiet word with the mum and say you can't really accommodate both of them at the same time?

NatashaBee · 09/11/2012 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

schmee · 09/11/2012 21:07

How old is the girl? Just tell her "some other time" and smile sweetly. Does she ask in front of the mum, and if so what does the mum say?

nancy75 · 09/11/2012 21:07

We have lots of twins in my Dds year at school, if she is inviting the girl&girl twins invite both, if it's the boy & girl twins I tend to just invite the girl.

sausagesandwich34 · 09/11/2012 21:08

just invite him

she needs to learn that she can't do everything

it's really not a bad lesson to learn

not that I am a twin and used to railroad everything my brother was doing, not at all

BeatTheClock · 09/11/2012 21:08

Well mum should be stepping in here and telling the sister that she doesn't get to do everything her brother does just cos she's his twin. Same applies vice versa. Yadnbu. Twins don't have to do everything together or even have the same friends.

Alitoomanykids · 09/11/2012 21:15

I don't think that you are being unreasonable to say that the boys are going to have some time together. As a twin myself, I can assure you that it is important for both children to develop their own friendships and to do things individually sometimes. It develops confidence and sense of their own individuality. The mother understands this and as I always say to my own children when they are asking to do something 'you can always ask, but sometimes the answer will be no!'

HecatePropylaea · 09/11/2012 21:26

Well, then arrange it with the mum when the child isn't there and have the mum tell her in advance that she won't be going. And not to ask you.

It really is within the mum's control. I don't understand why the girl is even getting to the point of asking you. Her parent can say no, it is just your brother and his friend. And do not ask Xs mum. That would be very rude.

loubielou31 · 09/11/2012 21:30

I would say nicely to the little girl something a long the lines of, "today is going to be just the boys playing together so you can't come today... but you can come the next time." Maybe tell the mum that this is what you'll do next time you invite him round so she's prepared for some complaining and has something nice for just them to do?

Whoknowswhocares · 09/11/2012 21:36

What do you mean you can't really say no? As long as you do it kindly why on earth not?
Your son, the other little boy and the mother would prefer it. So would you, although not every time as that would be mean.....loubielou has it spot on!

Original poster
ceebeegeebies · 09/11/2012 22:05

I know I should probably say no but I am a wuss Blush

They are coming round this weekend and it is too late to change anything but I will ask next time that it is just the boy that is invited - only issue is that he is very shy and may not come without his sister as security Sad

Just wanted to check that I wasn't be unreasonable in not wanting her there - they are only 6 and seem young for harsh lessons in life Wink

OP posts:
simplesusan · 09/11/2012 22:09

YANBU.
It should be upto the mum to tell her no but just say something like you can come another time.

CrapBag · 09/11/2012 22:10

YANBU. Just tell her that the boy is coming to play today, don't say you can come next time otherwise you will have to keep to that. I don't understand why the mum isn't telling her off for asking you when she wants the boy to go to yours on his own. Maybe you need to mention this to her. I find it quite rude that the girl is asking you, unless they are particularly young, reception or something but then the mum should be stepping in and teaching her not to ask.

To me twins shouldn't be treated differently from any other siblings. You wouldn't invite a friends brother or sister of a different age all the time so I don't think you should be obliged to with twins either.

And I say this as having a close friend with twins, my DC gets on well with one but not the other but I can't see it going down well with my friend if I invited 1 and not the other. It shouldn't be that way, it should be based on who your child is friends with.

exoticfruits · 09/11/2012 22:18

I would just in its the boy. Even if his twin was a boy I think they should be individual and you can have one and not the other.

MrsCantSayAnything · 09/11/2012 22:19

This is really up to the Mother...of the twins...she needs to step in and tell the DD that no she can't go this time.

When it next happens OP, say "Oh well lets ask your Mum...." and give her a meaningful look....you could say "Oh well your Mum was saying she wanted some special time with you while your brother plays with DS>"

To prompt the Mother.

pigletmania · 09/11/2012 22:31

No just invite the boy, she has to learn to have her own friends and hobbies.

2rebecca · 09/11/2012 22:32

I don't think it's a harsh lesson in life, that makes it sound as though you think she is an unlikeable girl who won't have any female friends. I doubt her female friends invite her brother round. If they were different age siblings you'd say no, I would arrange things with the mum so the girl doesn't get any say in the matter, just arrange to pick the boy up after school. If she does ask just say "x is just having 1 friend around today."
I would maybe mention to the mum that you feel awkward when her daughter tries to wangle an invite so she keeps more of an eye on her daughter. As they get older she'll get used to having her own friends. That's what siblings do, it's not harsh, it's realising you are not the same person as your sibling but an individual.

sparkleyangel · 09/11/2012 22:40

is there any particular reason why you dont want his sister there

pigletmania · 09/11/2012 22:50

Sparkly like any other siblings you ont go on your brother/sisters playdates with them do you? The twin ds and op ds re friends not the sister. It will be healthier for her and her twin brother if they do things separately

Whitamakafullo · 09/11/2012 23:02

I don't have twins, but there is only 11 months between my DS and DD. They go to friends house seperately, even though they have a lot of the same friends. They need to learn to play without the other one there I would say.

exoticfruits · 10/11/2012 07:29

If I had twins I would want people to treat them differently and hate the idea that they were not individuals but came as a package.

girlsyearapart · 10/11/2012 07:38

Like whita my eldest two are not twins but are 12 months apart & it is hard when one goes off to play without the other.
This is especially difficult this year as last year they were in nursery together and this year dd1 is in reception with a lot of their previously mutual nursery friends whom she has now claimed as her friends Hmm

I make sure I plan for dd2s friends to come over or do something just with her if dd1 is out.

How about saying to the mum 'I'm planning on inviting boy twin next week. Let me know which days girl twin is doing something with one of her friends and we can do it on the same day?'

thewalrus · 10/11/2012 08:21

Like girlsyearaparts's idea, and agree with others who've said YANBU and it is really the twins' mum's job to manage this.
I have 4 year old b/g twins and, while I don't relish the thought of one being invited without the other, I think it's healthy, hope it'll happen as they move into school, and would expect to manage the other twin's disappointment myself (eg with a special activity).

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