OK, so maybe not immaculate. In fact if conception occurred it was v v messy indeed.
Background. DH and I have 5 DC, 12, 9, 7, 2 and 6mo. Youngest was induced 6 weeks early due to liver difficulties that have escalated for my last 3 pg. He had an awful time and was in HDU with breathing difficulties, jaundice, excessive weight loss. He is on the up now but watching him go through that reaffirmed my decision not to have more DC (as if we weren't sure anyway!) so as not to put another baby through such an iffy start.
So DH went for the snip, we are a week away from first semen test and have been super super careful using condoms. So far so responsible.
About 11 days ago we decided to venture into "back door territory" and the plan was for him to whip it out before the big moment and finish elsewhere. Well it was an enlightening experience, culminating in DH removing the tool a fraction too late followed by a series of loud comical farts that left us collapsed in fits of giggles. The more I giggled the more farts came out, which prolonged the giggling. There was mess. Lots of it, but I wasn't worried as it was all over the border from fanjoland so to speak... washed up and went to bed having disposed of my last remaining shred of dignity and both of us resolving to leave the potting of the brown forever in the realms of the unspoken.
But now I'm late. Due on the 7th and no signs so far. Early days I know, but it's been like clockwork since DS2 arrived. It can't be though can it? Aside from the obvious misplacement of the necessary materials, surely even if sperm are still present it should be a low enough count to make it unlikely this long after the snip?
I KNOW I KNOW you have to wait for 2 tests to be clear before resuming unprotected intercourse but it just seems.so unlikely that IF there are still some there they have managed to find their way from my arse/back to my cervix?? Are their homing beacons that good?? Did my farts propel them over the border?
Oh god I am frantic...
So AIBU to ask you to tell me I'm being a stupid arse and it's not possible? It's twofold unlikely right? Sorry if I've ruined anyone's breakfast!