To ask you to tell me that immaculate conception isn't possible? (TMI, embarrassing and GRIM)

[MissPants]

OK, so maybe not immaculate. In fact if conception occurred it was v v messy indeed.

Background. DH and I have 5 DC, 12, 9, 7, 2 and 6mo. Youngest was induced 6 weeks early due to liver difficulties that have escalated for my last 3 pg. He had an awful time and was in HDU with breathing difficulties, jaundice, excessive weight loss. He is on the up now but watching him go through that reaffirmed my decision not to have more DC (as if we weren't sure anyway!) so as not to put another baby through such an iffy start.

So DH went for the snip, we are a week away from first semen test and have been super super careful using condoms. So far so responsible.

About 11 days ago we decided to venture into "back door territory" and the plan was for him to whip it out before the big moment and finish elsewhere. Well it was an enlightening experience, culminating in DH removing the tool a fraction too late followed by a series of loud comical farts that left us collapsed in fits of giggles. The more I giggled the more farts came out, which prolonged the giggling. There was mess. Lots of it, but I wasn't worried as it was all over the border from fanjoland so to speak... washed up and went to bed having disposed of my last remaining shred of dignity and both of us resolving to leave the potting of the brown forever in the realms of the unspoken.

But now I'm late. Due on the 7th and no signs so far. Early days I know, but it's been like clockwork since DS2 arrived. It can't be though can it? Aside from the obvious misplacement of the necessary materials, surely even if sperm are still present it should be a low enough count to make it unlikely this long after the snip?

I KNOW I KNOW you have to wait for 2 tests to be clear before resuming unprotected intercourse but it just seems.so unlikely that IF there are still some there they have managed to find their way from my arse/back to my cervix?? Are their homing beacons that good?? Did my farts propel them over the border?

Oh god I am frantic...

So AIBU to ask you to tell me I'm being a stupid arse and it's not possible? It's twofold unlikely right? Sorry if I've ruined anyone's breakfast!

Sorry but I would be very worried as he had left it so late before he pulled out - I know that's not what you want to hear!

POAS asap - hope you get the result you want.

But valium, he wasn't in the normal hole so surely it shouldn't matter?

What time will you be poasing op?

OP I just snorted tea everywhere on reading your first post!

Very, very unlikely, I'd imagine. But POAS to be sure.

Oh GOSH - I missed that he was errr venturing into pastures new

Well DH is at a job interview this morning so he will pick up a stick on the way home. Shall poas some time this afternoon.

Ultra, certainly absolutely not free of stain this one. Poor hypothetical BabyPants, what an entrance!

I think my pee is ok

I think I may have thrush coming on though, which I only ever get when pg. But I think given the spunkypoosplash that could be explainable. Oh gawsh, this isn't stuff I could ever hope to explain to anyone in RL.

So mortified

I have always lived by the mantra 'No babies in the bum bum', I'd be shocked to know this might not be the case!

And this is why I love MN, sorry OP
Good luck for this afternoon.

Am I the only one who assumed bum sex would always involve a condom?

Bloody hell, my parents always told me that I was a mistake, and now I'm wondering how exactly .

Good luck OP.

I think, in retrospect that yes. It really should, for more reasons than one. It had though, followed my first drink since starting ttc in 2011 so my common sense was mislead somewhere between glasses 2 and 3 of wine.

I'm not usually this silly!

You would have to be amazingly fertile but it is theoretically possible. POAS!

I cant help with the snip part of the backdoor part (since i have experience of neither of these!) BUT

when dc4 was about 8 months old, still breastfed and I hadnt restarted my periods DH and I had not had actual sex since she was born since I was waiting for my blood pressure to calm down and then going to go back on the pill and I have this horrible reaction to condoms. But hey we thought whats the harm in some um "hand relief". Well I tell you it is as easy to get pregnant as him getting a small number of little guys on his fingers and his fingers venturing too close to the relevant areas of me.

DC 5 arrived Feb the next year this is the one any only time it was possible for me to get pregnant.

To clarify, I didnt have sex - there was not even anything close to actual sex no touching of relevant parts it was all third party.

Also I hadnt had a period since dc4 was born so this must have been the first time it was possible to get pregnant and I did.

SO my belief now is that if you have been in the same room as DH then you might be pregnant .

I now have a coil fitted 6 weeks after the birth of dc5.

So general consensus is unlikely but possible, thanks everyone. Good luck is much appreciated!

Shall update when I have poas...

Ohh MissPants - this has just cheered up my morning....conceived via a fart.

I hope it all works out the way you want!

Oh Crikey 5dcs that sounds scarily familiar. It's always been somewhat of a family joke that DH has looked at me and I'm fertilised.

Edgar we actually discussed donating eggs/sperm once we had finished our family for that very reason! It's always happened so easily for us and we've been so lucky we wanted to share our 'talent' with people who hadn't had it so easy.

Not feeling too lucky now!

Oh hell, 5dcsinneedofacleaner, now I'm never letting DH within 10 feet of me again.

Am I the only one who hopes the OP is pregnant, and one day, chooses to explain how her DC6 "came to be" by giving said child this thread to read?

That would be a strong contender for the "they fuck you up" prize of the year

Good luck op, and thanks everso for sharing

Marking place, you have cheered me up after a shit night
Thanks OP. lol sorry shouldn't laugh.

Wow. If you are pregnant that's one hell of a story to tell dc when they ate older!
Good luck for poas.

Any news????