To ask you to tell me that immaculate conception isn't possible? (TMI, embarrassing and GRIM)

[MissPants]

OK, so maybe not immaculate. In fact if conception occurred it was v v messy indeed.

Background. DH and I have 5 DC, 12, 9, 7, 2 and 6mo. Youngest was induced 6 weeks early due to liver difficulties that have escalated for my last 3 pg. He had an awful time and was in HDU with breathing difficulties, jaundice, excessive weight loss. He is on the up now but watching him go through that reaffirmed my decision not to have more DC (as if we weren't sure anyway!) so as not to put another baby through such an iffy start.

So DH went for the snip, we are a week away from first semen test and have been super super careful using condoms. So far so responsible.

About 11 days ago we decided to venture into "back door territory" and the plan was for him to whip it out before the big moment and finish elsewhere. Well it was an enlightening experience, culminating in DH removing the tool a fraction too late followed by a series of loud comical farts that left us collapsed in fits of giggles. The more I giggled the more farts came out, which prolonged the giggling. There was mess. Lots of it, but I wasn't worried as it was all over the border from fanjoland so to speak... washed up and went to bed having disposed of my last remaining shred of dignity and both of us resolving to leave the potting of the brown forever in the realms of the unspoken.

But now I'm late. Due on the 7th and no signs so far. Early days I know, but it's been like clockwork since DS2 arrived. It can't be though can it? Aside from the obvious misplacement of the necessary materials, surely even if sperm are still present it should be a low enough count to make it unlikely this long after the snip?

I KNOW I KNOW you have to wait for 2 tests to be clear before resuming unprotected intercourse but it just seems.so unlikely that IF there are still some there they have managed to find their way from my arse/back to my cervix?? Are their homing beacons that good?? Did my farts propel them over the border?

Oh god I am frantic...

So AIBU to ask you to tell me I'm being a stupid arse and it's not possible? It's twofold unlikely right? Sorry if I've ruined anyone's breakfast!

"On a serious note, if the mess left the back door and coated the front, then some may have slipped through the letterbox. It is possible, though not probable. "

"i just spat chocolate all over my laptop"

I think that just sums up the OPs scenario.

This is stealth boasting extreme

Oh dear god, this thread may just send me into labour!!!!

I'm so sorry to laugh at err, your possible misfortune but this is HILARIOUS.

"The terrain isn't quite what we expected!"

DH is trying to reassure me.

"Don't worry! You'll be on in the morning, trust me, it'll be a sea of red in that bed. PMT - positive mental thoughts!"

That's got to be the only time you've had that as a reassuring thought.

This is totally possible. You go to sleep. Seepage occurs strong swimmer can make it. Haha. And oops. And good luck!

Somebody please tell Judd Apatow that his next script idea is right here, but he owes OP money for the rights...

This is priceless!

I. CAN'T. BREEEEEEEATHE.

OP. You have officially had more sex in 6 months than I have had I two years. And I have one fewer DC than you. Two if you count possible poo baby.

I take my hat off to you.

Well thank you MN, this thread has truly been an education! OP good luck to you, you have made my night. Just shown my husband who also found it v entertaining (awaiting appointment for snip!) note to self, must be more careful!

Ha ha ha ha

Hate to be a bearer of shitty tidings, but DS is a result of anal.

Lol at some people not getting the back door reference.... Also, it happened in scrubs, jd got his gf preggers that way!

Lisamed how?!

Mwahahahahahaaaaa - marking mattress place

I have never written this before but PMSL. Crying! Sorry. Hope auntie Flo arrives soon!

we are currently trying to conceive. if the OP is pregnant i may have to take a leaf out of her book! hahah!

ChicMama25 - erm, the only time that month was anal. And nine months later I had a baby boy - thankfully through the front entrance.

The splut doesn't stay in, farting doesn't help. And if there is lubrication through arousal at the front door that has gone backwards, well that's a way for the splut to find its way forward.

There are some things you watch yourself typing and think, 'this really is too much information.'

I realise this isn't helping the OP. We had no luck through the front door either...

Am I the only one thinking that, under the circumstances, a chuff on a stick would be the way to go?

Good luck on Sunday, MissP.

Oh this is priceless!

Good luck on Sunday MissPants

I feel as though I once used to have a lot of information about the possibility of getting pregnant via back door action but I can't imagine why I would have had this information (Mumsnet, probably) Also I can't remember what it was (except it's surprisingly common, sorry OP). I think I might have applied some mindbleach a bit cackhandedly/appearing in my own personal version of Eternal Sunshine/sleep deprived to the max/similar.

Good luck OP. Am um rooting for you.

Pooby!

Amazing thread. Need to know the outcome (ahaha).

Please tell me none of this is true :(

Boak, bleurrgh, etc..