To be dreading Christmas?

[kensingtonkat]

I just don't want to do it this year. I didn't grow up in a religious family and we only ever did Christmas in a very half-hearted way.

DH's family makes a Bloody Big Grasping Showing Off Deal of it.

Everyone circulates long and elaborate Father Christmas lists - including the grandparents. I thought Father Christmas stops being real once you're seven, but it doesn't seem to get in the way of their requests.These people have everything they could possibly want and more than enough of the things they need. One year I asked for charitable presents from Oxfam Unwrapped and FIL told me it wasn't in the spirit of Christmas!

SIL goes completely overboard because she doesn't work, and makes very elaborate Martha Stewart style preparations in terms of food, drink, flowers, tree etc. She also hosts a glamorous drinks party on Christmas Eve with caterers and waiting staff. Then she produces Champagne Brunch and a huge Christmas Dinner. Because she has gone to so much trouble we feel compelled to join in. Oh, and DRESS UP like we're in Downton bloody Abbey.

I know it's unkind but I do spend much of the time thinking, "This is naff and excessive and in a recession you need to calm the f*ck down."

I also hate Midnight Mass, to which I am guilt-tripped into going against all religious principles.

I'm just sickened by the excess of it all. The greed and total lack of concern for the less fortunate. The sheer bloody futility of consumerism.

I agree with you on the 'wealth guilt'. We are bog ordinary middle class but I do realise how lucky we are in comparison to most. Hence why I find the sheer excess of a fancy Christmas so distasteful.

We're so bloody lucky already, why must we have MORE and BETTER on this day?

Do you not have more and better on other days of the year, kensington? Do you not allow yourself more or better food, more or better clothes, more or better holidays than the poorest of the poor? And if so, is that any less reprehensible than throwing a big party once a year?

I wear my MILs cast-offs but like a feast day to be a big celebration. I don't see that that is any worse from the pov of the poor than if I spent that money on day-to-day indulgences like smart clothes, make-up, coffee bars etc.

Otoh from the pov of the poor, I don't suppose my expenditure on books and music is any better or less extravagant than my MILs 50 hand bags.

I think you are right in making it clear to your dh that you also want your kind of Christmases from time to time: marriage should be about compromise. But unless you are actually denying yourself everything not strictly necessary on a day to day basis, there is no need to make out that your SILs extravagance is more morally reprehensible than any other unnecessary expenditure- and most of us have some unnecessary expenditure in our lives.

Stand up for every other Christmas. But don't make it an issue of your relative worthiness.

YANBU

Ignore everyone who is calling you a grinch :)

I would HATE to have to dress up and behave differently at Christmas. I am introverted and the constant need to socialise and the pretentious display of OTT wealth would make me feel uncomfortable and unhappy.

I would much rather prefer to relax with my family, with our little traditions and involve some charitable giving/works along the way.

Badgersnatch We will be sitting on a few garden chairs in my house, due to family congregating at mine and me not owning enough dining chairs. We will be eating Roses as I don't like Quality St!

Do you really think SIL doesnt know or care that other people aren't having such a flamboyant Christmas as she puts on? You sound incredibly patronising.

Really OP is YOU care that much, you'd say "sod this" and toddle off down the Mission, or somesuch, on Christmas afternoon. But I'll bet my Santa stocking you won't.

Without wanting to sound like Peggy Mitchel, One of the best things about Christmas is family and this is the way that yours, yes yours since you married DH, embrace it.

I also hate Midnight Mass, to which I am guilt-tripped into going against all religious principles

Isn't the problem that you are staying silent and going along to the point of boiling resentment? There's nothing wrong with the in-laws' Christmas per se, it just doesn't 'speak to your condition' as the Quakers say.

So why not re-negotiate your engagement with it? You don't have to go to every over-the-top SIL event, arrive later, go earlier. Knock Midnight Mass on the head for starters. Oh, and don't go every year. Do the Whitechapel Mission on Xmas Eve, see the in-laws on Xmas Day. I don't see why all Xmas compromise should have to come from you, and by carving out more space for yourself and your values you'll probably get on with them a lot better.

You do sound a bit of a martyr and on a crusade - sorry - especially around trying to persuade your SIL to come and visit the Mission....Im like her, I love doing it all at Christmas and appreciate Im lucky to have my DH and 3 boys with me to spoil but doesnt mean I dont understand there are others less well off. Its just the world we live in at the end of the day, me and DH work hard all year to support our family and Im not going to change the world by not enjoying myself at Christmas. Yes its consumerism, yes its excess and yes my house looks like Santas Grotto for a bit - and yes I wouldnt have it any other way!

Going back to the lists-what does anyone ask for?

For years, I haven´t been able to think of anything that I would want for Christmas or Bday for that matter.

It sounds brill, although you don't need to go to midnight mass if you don't want to. Just buy gifts that you can afford. I'm sure they will understand

Enjoy Er, it would be hard to volunteer 200 miles away. There's also family peace to be kept.

And no, as it happens, whilst my in-laws are very nice as people they are not particularly introspective or charitably inclined. I'm sure they wouldn't be so concerned about their Father Christmas lists if they knew or cared how less lucky people lived

Eldritch, that thing about the Quakers is inspired. If I had any religious affinity, that would be it.

They can do Christmas however they like. I'm sure you'd be a put out if they didn't invite you.

LOL at Diddl angling for Christmas shopping hints grin]!

Quad, if I could opt out of Christmas altogether I would, believe me. Hence why I've done the Mission in previous years. Just not my thing, but the contrast of DH's family is what's making me even less festive than usual.

No, really I´m not-I´m genuinely curious as to what adults ask for.

I mean I don´t want/need anything.

It would just be a present for the sake of it.

The big lists sound awful, but the rest... I'll swap! You can have fil. You can re-enact any period of austerity you choose and then listen to his war stories and then as an act of charity encourage him to sing endless "standards". God, how I wish I could be at a catered do with a glass of champagne.

Also, you don't have to be religious to enjoy Midnight Mass or a good Carol Service. Places of worship are stuffed to the gills with hypocrites at Christmas! Who doesn't like belting out a thumping good carol or enjoying the tradition and strange magic of a service, even if they're not in the least God-bothering the rest of the year?

Sorry OP I too am more in sympathy with your ILs ovee this. Do you have children? If so, don't you think they will enjoy the big family Christmas?

Don't want to sound like a goody-two-shoes or anything but something from years ago always stuck in my head. When I was young and single I was waiting for a bus home from work one night in December. In front of me in the queue was a mother with a little boy, the little boy was chattering away happily about Christmas and was clearly quite excited. Then the mum said, in a very grumpy voice "Well I'm not looking forward to Christmas, I will just be glad when it is all over". Her little boy looked utterly deflated and I remember thinking what a miserable cow I hope I am never like that! So far so good.

There's this strange "adults" thing again! I don't particularly need anything substantial that I can't buy now either, but there was certainly a time when I did. For me, and for plenty of others, attaining adulthood did not perfectly coincide with wanting for nothing.

Nowadays if people ask I generally want books and socks. Good socks, of the kind I can't quite bring myself to buy just for me; it seems like a ridiculous extravagance. Ooh, and some rose and violet creams, ditto.

Oh yes-nice socks, books & choccies.

Some people don´t seem to think that that´s good enough though.

That's what Xmas presents should be for adults-a chance to get nice, if small extravagancies like cashmere socks and posh cosmetics, that you'd never buy for yourself.

Please talk us through the menu sil
does for the festive season, so I can copy in vain attempt to be domestic goddess

My "list" (I tend to write things on a list so I remember and my family don't get hacked off when I say "I don't know" when they ask me what I'd like) has a couple of CDs, nice books (the fiction I tend to get from library or on Kindle), box of chocolates, smelly stuff, particlar jigsaw, sport related stuff, favourite moisturiser, Wolford tights etc.
I don't see why adults shouldn't get presents, to me xmas is about giving presents to all.
I love having special food on xmas day, and have had enough xmases in the past when I had to work to enjoy not having to work and being able to be with extended family now.

It sounds horrible.

Well, I don't care about how people spend their own money, they can be extravagant as they like and I agree that in a recession we need people to be spending if they can. I would really not enjoy the fuss and dressing up and would be very at the present lists.

Fine if they want to do it, but you shouldn't be pressured to join in if it's not your cup of tea.

Would they be offended if you didn't go?

That actually sounds amazing...

OP, YANBU

I am a bit about everyone saying that the OP should think herself lucky.

She doesnt like Xmas but sucks it up for the sake of the family. Sadly, the family concerned does seem ridiculously over the top. Big gift lists for adults FFS?!

Just because everyone else thinks it sounds amazing, doesnt mean that it actually is. I would imagine the pressure to enjoy yourself would be quite high. What if, for whatever reason, you just weren't in the mood that year? Not anti Xmas just maybe under the weather, bad period, tired..... you would feel that you had to fake it because of the expectations and the money spent. And that wouldnt be at all fun would it?

Seems very ott, and I love Xmas!

okay.

yanbu because it's all a bit consumerist for me, too.

i know a way you can feel; better about the recession presents thing.

Buy your presents from local struggling shops. as i am one, i know how important christmas is just to balance the books each year. find one or two local to you, and buy them all presents from them.
they're the shops that are empty at lunchtime, and when you say "how's business?" to the person who's knitting behind the counter (or reading a book. this isn't an indication in a knitting shop), they look blank, then take a moment to answer you before saying something like "yeah, alright" or "getting there" in a "positive" way.

Ok OP, I forgot only the Whitechapel Mission has any need of volunteers at Christmas. I'm sure if you squirrel about you'll be able to drum up somewhere suitably needy close to your in-laws.

But again, I betcha don't.