To be dreading Christmas?

[kensingtonkat]

I just don't want to do it this year. I didn't grow up in a religious family and we only ever did Christmas in a very half-hearted way.

DH's family makes a Bloody Big Grasping Showing Off Deal of it.

Everyone circulates long and elaborate Father Christmas lists - including the grandparents. I thought Father Christmas stops being real once you're seven, but it doesn't seem to get in the way of their requests.These people have everything they could possibly want and more than enough of the things they need. One year I asked for charitable presents from Oxfam Unwrapped and FIL told me it wasn't in the spirit of Christmas!

SIL goes completely overboard because she doesn't work, and makes very elaborate Martha Stewart style preparations in terms of food, drink, flowers, tree etc. She also hosts a glamorous drinks party on Christmas Eve with caterers and waiting staff. Then she produces Champagne Brunch and a huge Christmas Dinner. Because she has gone to so much trouble we feel compelled to join in. Oh, and DRESS UP like we're in Downton bloody Abbey.

I know it's unkind but I do spend much of the time thinking, "This is naff and excessive and in a recession you need to calm the f*ck down."

I also hate Midnight Mass, to which I am guilt-tripped into going against all religious principles.

I'm just sickened by the excess of it all. The greed and total lack of concern for the less fortunate. The sheer bloody futility of consumerism.

can you take sil to one side and persuade her to chill a bit
refuse point blank to do midnight mass
and get dh on side re xmas lists?

Why oh why do people get involved with families who have long established rituals,or different cultures and initially smile sweetly and put a face on. Soon after marriage or shacking up,they start bleating about it all!!What about poor partners who have to give up everything they enjoy,not least the nasty supercilious attitude to their family.

So your parents don´t make a big deal-to the point that you don´t bother to see them Cday?

Wouldn´t that be a perfect get out-seeing your parents for a change?

What about invite people to you?

I am truly ashamed to say this, but DH is one of the biggest supporters of the present list . It wouldn't be Christmas without presents and stockings, apparently.

SIL goes to sooooo much trouble. We've tried to reassure her that we don't need the full production every year, but she's not one to calm down. Last year she'd stayed up all night to put up holly and ivy all over the house. It looked magical, but we'd have preferred it if she'd got some sleep and brought out the same old paper chains.

Gotthemoon The problem is that no-one seems to really enjoy it. It all seems very fake, as if we're on a film set and everyone's pretending to enjoy themselves.

Do something else then?

Don't go every year if you don't enjoy it. You are married adults who can spend xmas on your own if you wish.
You do sound rather po faced about it all though. Most people I know decorate houses and wear nice clothes and eat nice food at xmas.
If you feel guilty make a charity donation but xmas isn't a time to start going on about "the starving in Africa" when people are enjoying themselves. It was the winter solstice before it was a Christian festival.
I like it when people give me ideas of what they want in xmas. We all work so tend to circulate ideas of what we'd like. You could call it making a list, but it makes life easier not harder and reduces waste.
Your SIL sounds as though she enjoys the fussing so leave her to it.
Either go and join in the spirit of the party or do your own thing. I don't think your inlaws are doing anything worth moaning about though, although I do wonder if your parents might not like to see you over xmas even if they aren't doing anything special.

Well I do agree that giving ideas can be helpful/useful.

Probably depends on price & if the expectation is to get everything asked for!

Diddl Think the break from tradition would break DH's heart.

My parents don't live very far away and we see them a lot so DH thinks I get more than my fair share of parent time.

Looks like it's going to be another gritted teeth Christmas!

"xmas isn't a time to start going on about "the starving in Africa" when people are enjoying themselves".

I don't go on about it.

I just think about it, and about the poor people my parents are with, and I find the contrast grotesque. I wonder why my SIL feels compelled to do the whole Richard Curtis Christmas when it's clearly frazzling her, and why DH and his siblings and parents need so much stuff. It all makes me sad, and a bit sick.

In which case I´m tempted to say more fool you.

And poor diddums to him!

So because you happen to live near & see your parents a lot you don´t see them at Christmas?

And you´re OK with that??

Oh and I find the religious hypocrisy of Midnight Mass maddening to the point of blasphemous. If you don't go to church at any time of year, why is it absolutely imperative to do so at Christmas, slightly pissed up?

Frankly I'd love it if my parents insisted on us spending Christmas with them. They're not very good at making their true feelings known though. Wonder where I get that from

Adults asking for presents makes me want to heave.

This is an oddly blinkered statement for someone who claims to be concerned about less fortunate people's miserable Christmases. Some "adults" don't have much money and very much appreciate the chance to ask relatives for presents.

I'm now an atheist but still enjoy midnight mass (the non Catholic version). I see old churches as important beautiful buildings in need of upkeep from extra donations at xmas time and I enjoy singing xmas carols. You can enjoy hearing about the christmas story in the same way you can enjoy hearing about Greek myths.
If they enjoy going to midnight mass and the church gets extra donations I don't see why them not going would be more virtuous.
I don't think any of my relatives has "insisted" I spend xmas with them. If you want to spend some xmases with your parents then do it. The contrast will be interesting for your children.

Mulled wine Er, I did say in my OP that the in-laws are a long way from needy.

And it's quite insulting to imply that needy are somehow excused from what is just a blatant display of bad manners.

Yes, but you also said

"Adults asking for presents makes me want to heave."

I do get that your ILs don't have any real need for presents, I just don't get why that would cause you to draw that generally applicable conclusion.

"And it's quite insulting to imply that needy are somehow excused from what is just a blatant display of bad manners."

No idea what that means, sorry. What is a blatant display of bad manners, asking for presents?

Re-reading my OP, I also realise that much of my disgust about Christmas is due to the commercialisation and Richard Curtisation of Christmas.

I don't know anyone who had such fancy Christmases going up, and my upbringing wasn't exactly underprivileged . That's not my in-laws fault, it's just the lifestyle dream they perhaps feel they have to live up to.

Yes, I'm afraid asking for presents IS bad manners.

If someone asks you what you'd like in the way of presents, it's fine to make some suggestions.

But to give someone a written Father Christmas list is just plain revolting if you're no longer a very small child.

In that case I've got no idea how you're distinguishing between the two. If I am on my uppers and make some suggestions of things I'd find useful and write them down, does that make me horrendously bad-mannered?

No Mulled .

I imagine you don't write a list beginning, "Dear Father Christmas, this year I would like..." which you then post to your relations.

YANBU you spend Christmas as you want, but spending money if you have it to spend is good for the economy, not that I agree with huge Christmas lists for adults or children even.

Good grief. No, but we've already established this doesn't apply to your ILs. I just don't think there's anything wrong with people who are in need asking for specific things that would make their lives better.

"The problem is that no-one seems to really enjoy it."

"Think the break from tradition would break DH's heart."

Are you sure these two statements are compatible? Nobody enjoys these celebrations to the point where not having them would break your dh's heart... How does that work?

Are you quite sure you are not projecting your own feelings about the celebrations and deciding that nobody else can really enjoy it because you aren't?

I've lost count of all the times one of my SILs has said of something my family does "but of course nobody really enjoys it" and I've been sat there thinking guiltily "well, actually, I do".

fwiw my parents live very simply for the rest of the year, give liberally to the poor and only splash out at times of festivities- because they basically have the old peasant attitude of wanting feast days to be different from Everyday. This has often been mistaken for extravagance by SILs who will easily spend far more on everyday frittering- but apparently that doesn't count as extravagance.

I don't think either way is wrong. Am probably more like SILs in my own life, but absolutely see where my parents are coming from.

And have also had to learn to adapt to my ILs, who did not do very elaborate Christmas parties, but would spend more on alcohol in a week than my parents would in 10 years. Again, not wrong, just different. And I would have badly hurt dh's feelings if I'd spent all my time muttering about all the clean water that could have been bought in Africa for the price of MIL's daily gin and tonic.

I agree that asking for presents is appealing manners , We made a decision long ago as a family that as siblings we would only buy for the children. It would seem ridiculous to buy my brother a Christmas present and I would be embarrassed to receive one from him, I buy for his children instead . Likewise he and my SIL buy for my children.
The children buy or more usually make small presents for parents and grandparents etc and we usually get something like a subscription or a hamper for my parents and dh parents.

If someone is short of money themselves then they would surely not want someone else to buy for them as that creates an obligation. It seems ridiculous that everyone is going round purchasing pointless presents for other people who are also buying pointless presents .Its just a merry go round of consumerism .