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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get rid of our HV?

52 replies

extremepie · 07/11/2012 00:07

Ok, I know this probably sounds really stupid but I was reading a thread on here earlier and someone's comment prompted me to ask..is it possible to change your health visitor?

I know it sounds like a really stupid question but I had honestly never considered that I could do this, I just assumed you had the one you were given and if you didn't like them then..tough!

It's just that our HV is horrible and I have never liked her, so if it is possible to do this I would very much like to!

Her greatest hits include:

Telling us our 11 month old baby was 'obese'
Asking DH if he 'felt like less of a man because he isn't at work' (*DH is a carer for our son)
Telling us she thought the fact that DH was our sons' primary carer was 'an issue'
Constantly mentioning DH's previous mental health issues (even though I have previous mental issues too that were not mentioned even once)

There are more examples I could give but the cherry on top was that recently she turned up at our house for a visit (unannounced) and when she didn't get a response from knocking on the door, she automatically assumed that the DS's had been left alone and called the police.

AIBU to think we need a different HV or am I just being oversensitive?

OP posts:
frumperina · 07/11/2012 00:12

YANBU
She sounds unhinged.
I would not put up with her, Change to a different one or forget about them. Why do you need to see one at all?

Floggingmolly · 07/11/2012 00:15

Why are you still seeing your HV if your child is 11 months old? Confused
It's not actually compulsory, you know. I saw mine once with all three kids at 10 days old.

Original poster
extremepie · 07/11/2012 00:27

The DS2 is question (the one she told us was obese) is now 4!

I honestly have no idea why she is still coming round. I was shocked to find that they still do visits when your children are that age - I thought it could possibly be because DS2 has been diagnosed with ASD and that maybe they keep the HV visits going longer if you have a child with SN?

I honestly don't know, if they have any concerns about us as a family (social services, etc..) they haven't ever told us.

I really feel like this isn't normal but I don't have any friends with kids to judge it by and I feel like if I say anything they will start asking questions about why we don't want them to come round or something!

I'm just sick of her interfering in our lives, this most recent visit was the last straw - DH ended up getting arrested because of her massive overreaction and I am fed up of her.

OP posts:
CaliforniaLeaving · 07/11/2012 00:55

Can you go above her and make a call to her bosses and find out what the heck is going on? She does sound un hinged. Hmm

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/11/2012 01:15

I'd talk to the Police about whether they want to do her for wasting their time. Complain, complain, complain.

Original poster
extremepie · 07/11/2012 02:13

Who do I complain to? I know that sounds like a stupid question but is it the council? Is it social services? I really don't know who is in charge of the HV, or what department they report to?

I'm so frigging angry at her, if she was worried the DS's were on their own why didn't she even try to phone DH? She had his home and mobile phone number and yet she didn't even attempt either!

Don't really know where to go from here but I want to stop this woman from putting another family though this whole traumatic experience needlessly and wasting police time :(

OP posts:
BattlingFanjos · 07/11/2012 02:22

Yanbu! Sounds horrendous! Try speaking to your GP, my son's HV came from our GP surgery. It's a starting point. If you want to complain, ask the GP for her office telephone number and Manager's name and go through them. Or you could get in touch with your local PCT or PALS service. Try the GP first, they will be able to direct you better. Hope she goes away and leave you alone!! I told mine to go away and not come back when she reported me to social services for my son being 'obese' so I understand your frustration!

YouSeveredHead · 07/11/2012 02:28

How did he end up arrested Confused

Original poster
extremepie · 07/11/2012 02:31

Thanks Battling, I probably should have said something sooner but I'm always so worried and nervous when it comes to anyone in any vague authority or involved with 'SS'
I read so many stories these days zbout people have their kids taken off them for stupid reason
I know SS are only doing their job, but I feel this particular woman has gone to far!

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 07/11/2012 02:41

YouSevered, basically she turned up for a visit unannounced and when she didn't get a response from knocking on the door (DH was upstairs at the time and we don't have a doorbell - he couldn't hear her knocking and she didn't phone him) she called the police because she assumed the DS's had been left at home on their own!
They turned up and found DH was there all along but apparently because there had been alleged 'child neglect' they had to arrest him as procedure - he was later released without charge but I just think the whole thing could have been avoided if she hadn't been so quick to assume neglect and call the police.

OP posts:
sparkleyangel · 07/11/2012 02:51

If he was there why didn't he just answer the door? I can understand her calling the police if she heard the kids and no adult answered. Health visitors can visit a child until they reach the age of five if they feel it is necessary. If you don't like her tell your doctor you want someone else as you feel she has a negative attitude towards your family.

bettyspaghetti33 · 07/11/2012 03:03

OP as far as I'm aware seeing a health visitor is optional unless they have concerns about your family which if they did they should be telling you about. That business about calling the police sounds like a total over reaction and caused you uneeded stress. In your position I would find out who her manager is and complain siting the issues you have outlined and either ask for a new one or tell them you are opting out of their service.

thetrackisback · 07/11/2012 05:15

Ring the office where she is based and ask for a complaints procedure and raise hell. Honestly she is being discriminatory on so many levels that she should be sacked.

chocjunkie · 07/11/2012 06:24

I have yet to meet a HV who is actually knowledable about anything and trained in anything else but foboffery. We have been let down very badly by HVs as well and complained. We complained to PALS and they delt with it pretty quickly.

YouSeveredHead · 07/11/2012 06:29

I missed a delivered yesterday whilst in my kicthen, they knocked and rang the bell. Could she hear the children? I don't know the Best way to get rid of her but I think I would start by asking her why she is still visiting. I thought all hv were overloaded with cases. Why do you think she is still coming?

valiumredhead · 07/11/2012 08:16

Do HV not come round until the child is 5 - they did 11 years ago?!

I had one HV that was fantastic and amazingly supportive , one of them I asked to leave as she was so dreadful.

jaffacake2 · 07/11/2012 08:28

If she is still visiting you then she needs to explain why because at your child's age this would be above universal visiting and counted as enhanced service. This is for families where there are concerns about the childs welfare. But this should be explained to the parents and a written package of care signed by both HV and parents.
As for calling the police,I have done on 2 occasions as an HV when I could hear children crying.On both times there was no answer from parents phones and both were very young children left alone whilst mother was shoppin,thought to be for over 3hrs and the other mother was at work. Police removed children to place of safety whilst parents eventually located.
So sadly it does happen,but HV needs to be upfront with you about what her concerns are,
Hope this helps.

valiumredhead · 07/11/2012 08:37

When did visiting a child change?

mmmerangue · 07/11/2012 08:41

Health Visitors are available until school age, that doesn't mean they should turn up unannounced... my HV only ever came to my house at my request and otherwise I saw her at the drop-in clinic.

She sounds like a mental case I would report her.

valiumredhead · 07/11/2012 08:42

Oh right I see, yes that makes sense.

redexpat · 07/11/2012 08:44

Several issues here.

  1. HV are not SS. They are medically trained. They can refer families to SS if they feel there is a need, exactly the same way as Drs, nurses, teachers etc If SS haven't been to visit, then they have not been made aware of you.
  1. Your HV is probably attached to your GP surgery. To ask to see another I suggest you call the GP surgery, ask to speak to the practice manager. He/she will be able to do that, or tell you who to ring. If you no longer wish to see one then that's the person you tell.
  1. They can continue to visit until the child starts school. Their function is to keep an eye on development, and the mother's health in the early days. Many of them operate on a contact us if you need us because they have so many cases.
  1. HV do not turn up unannounced. They send letters. If yours does not arrive it is not necessarily the fault of the HV.
  1. If your partner is the main carer then his mental health issues are actually relevant, since any problems are more likely to impact on the children.
  1. If your child is obese, then she has to tell you. Most parents of obese children arent aware that the children are obese. They say things like - a bit chubby, has puppy fat etc. Did she show you a chart of normal weight and height?
  1. Asking if your DH felt like less of a man sounds like a clumsy way of asking if he was ok in the role, and trying to see if he needed any extra support.
  1. Having said all that ringing the police without ringing the house or mobile is not on, especially since it led to the arrest of your DH. It's very distressing for everyone involved. Yes you should complain about this. Try www.pals.nhs.uk/
  1. You really need to take some responsibility and initiative and get clued up on who has contact with your children, why and who they are accountable to.
jaffacake2 · 07/11/2012 08:45

Hv visiting changed due to shortage of Hvs about 8yrs ago.There was a period of non recruitment and lots of HVs retiring. Caseload numbers rose and now I have over 500 families inner city so lots of problems.That is why there is a 3 tier level of service according to need.
Universal,till baby is 1 yr old.
Enhanced if there are concerns,PND,SN,bereavement,domestic violence,drug abuse
Targetted child abuse, neglect, usaully working close with childrens services and often ending up in court as witness.
So yes Hv practice has changed but always the parent should know what service they are on and why.

FellowshipOfFestiveFellows · 07/11/2012 08:58

They arrested him! Did he not explain that she is a mentalist and clearly unhinged? I think I'd go above the whole complaint to her boss thing and see the Citizens Advice at the least or I'd be ringing a solicitor to do her for harassment. I'd also complain to the Independent Police Complaints Commission, that is total wrongful arrest. I had a neighbour who drove me literally to a breakdown, she was constantly phoning the Police if my daughter (2 at the time) had a tantrum. At one point she rang saying I was being beaten up by my dp.

They kicked my door off, didn't even knock, I'm on the stairs with my dd and ds (6 months old at the time), they came in going mental, shouting at me to put my hands up, screamed at my daughter. My dp was out! It was me and the dcs in the house alone. We'd just got out the bath (I used to bath us all together, was easier). Dp has come home to find the door off its hinges, dd screaming and Police with batons in our house. They wouldn't let him in until our other neighbour proved who he was! They certainly didn't arrest us. They shit themselves actually. At that point, I went to the IPCC and they all got sanctioned over it, and the neighbour was arrested and charged for wasting Police time (she'd made 33 calls in 7 months. Nutter).

The SS will probably be in touch as he was arrested, even though he wasn't charged. Why should you have to go through that due to this woman's, well, vendetta against your dh? Why should he not be your dcs carer?

God, it makes me so cross as at the same time I had all the above going on, I had this batty old fruitcake of a hv who blamed me for making my ds premature as she told everyone I smoked whilst pregnant (wrong, don't smoke), an said my dp and I were drunks becuase after Christmas we had 3 bottles of wine in our recycling box (and the boxes hadn't been cleared due to Bank hols and snow).

This is someone you should trust, and it sounds like you cant.

NervousAt20 · 07/11/2012 09:05

YANBU I would phone your GP or local health centre (that's where mine is based) and ask who is in charge of health visitors and ask them to put you through to the person you need to speak to regarding changing HV

She sounds like a fruit loop hope you get rid f her sooo.

FryOneFatManic · 07/11/2012 09:08

redexpat HV do turn up unannounced. Maybe they should send letters, but it is common for them to turn up "as they were passing". Friends have had this although they seemed happy enough with me not to do this.