to get rid of our HV?

[extremepie]

Ok, I know this probably sounds really stupid but I was reading a thread on here earlier and someone's comment prompted me to ask..is it possible to change your health visitor?

I know it sounds like a really stupid question but I had honestly never considered that I could do this, I just assumed you had the one you were given and if you didn't like them then..tough!

It's just that our HV is horrible and I have never liked her, so if it is possible to do this I would very much like to!

Her greatest hits include:

Telling us our 11 month old baby was 'obese'
Asking DH if he 'felt like less of a man because he isn't at work' (*DH is a carer for our son)
Telling us she thought the fact that DH was our sons' primary carer was 'an issue'
Constantly mentioning DH's previous mental health issues (even though I have previous mental issues too that were not mentioned even once)

There are more examples I could give but the cherry on top was that recently she turned up at our house for a visit (unannounced) and when she didn't get a response from knocking on the door, she automatically assumed that the DS's had been left alone and called the police.

AIBU to think we need a different HV or am I just being oversensitive?

Mine is a nightmare. I left a DV relationship and cut all contact with ex. I endured weekly visits from HV who kept insisting I wasnt coping and needed more support despite the fact that I was very clearly coping v well. She kept re-referring me to SS who kept telling her that they had no concerns and no grounds to become involved with me. She has told me to go to a young mums group to act as a "role model" when I dont wish to, am 22 so technically over the age range for this particular group and have explained that I attend 2 toddler groups a week, play dates with friends and visit the library twice a week. She wants me to drop the toddler group and go along to a diff one purely to "help" other mums by "sharing my experiences" - something I have no wish to do.

I have now got to the point where I am hiding from her (awful as that is) - I see my midwife regularly, my GP, DV officer and they are all aware that I have no need for additional support, am coping and am in the process of putting legal protection in place for me and DD - ex has moved 200 miles away so we are relatively safe. I am wondering whether speaking to my mw/gp about it would be the way to go. I think the issue Im struggling with is that having left a relationship where I was being told what to do and what I was capable of, I feel that she is doing exactly the same albeit unintentionally. It is stifling and makes me doubt myself when actually I am more than capable and feel she should be supporting me rather than making me feel undermined.

sorry OP... I guess I needed to vent that!

Twinkle you sound like you are doing very well, like OP i suggest you report her or speak to your GP about changing HV, she is probably setting you back in your attempts to move on by (seemingly trying to) make you doubt yourself.

listen to redexpat she speaks sense!

It sounds like as if the relationship between the OP family and health visitor has well and truely broken down. It is possible to request a change of health visitor. The health visiting service is optional and health visitors have no right of entry.

someone said upthread that Health visitors can visit a child until they reach the age of five if they feel it is necessary

but parents don't have to accept the visits do they? op, i, like others would write a formal letter of complaint to your gp's surgery manager - from your info, she has repeatedly undermined you and your dh, if you don't want/need her involvement tell her or if you feel you do need hv support, ask to see someone else, and tell them exactly why

once your dc is at school it will be school nurse, so no more health visitor.
and yes, they can turn up unannounced. and mental health issues are relevant. just as physical health issues are

Thanks for the advice, I think I will be making a complaint and asking to change HV - I was really offended about her comments about DH on her last visit but this most recent incident has crossed a line!

I would have thought the most obvious thing to do if she had any concerns about the DC's being left alone would be to call either phone DH had in the house but she didn't. There have been many times when I have not heard people knocking on our front door if I have been upstairs!

When she told us DS2 was obese she did show us a height/weight chart and he was within normal limits but above average, not quite sure how this equated to him being 'obese', especially since he was not crawling yet at 11months and so still had all his 'baby fat' (he had global developmental delay, and later was diagnosed with ASD).

I wouldn't have had a problem with her mentioning DH's mental health issues if my own mental health issues had been equally mentioned - ok, I am not currently the primary carer but I was for the first 2 years of their lives and it has never been brought up, despite the fact that I suffered from PND and attempted suicide while I was pregnant. She just kept on and on about how he was feeling these days and whether he was still on anti-depressants or not, whether he was receiving any councilling, etc..

All this was then coupled with all her comments about him feeling like less of a man because he isn't working (as if being a full time carer for your children isn't work). It wasn't just the one off comment either, she kept on bringing it up, saying 'well, most men feel like they need to be at work' and 'how does he feel about you working' - basically insinuating that the reason he was depressed was because he didn't feel useful because he was 'just at home with the kids' and not working like a proper man should.

I don't feel she would have made any of those comments if the roles were reversed!

You have every right to change your hv, or indeed refuse their services. Although it sounds to me that your hv has some concerns about your family. Have either of you ever been sectioned or called the police out for a domestic incident? IMO by changing your hv you may be giving them more reason to be concerned, but that's not to say you shouldn't.

If you are making a complaint then you need to decide which issues are serious. A complaint is more likely to stick if you just complain about the serious issues. Hopefully this health visitor will be given some extra training.

Ie.

1. calling the police without phoning first.
2. The suggestion that your husband is less of a man.
3. Unannounced visits

Unfortunately it is completely within her remit to tell you that your child is obsese and ask about mental health problems of anyone in the family. These are minor annoyances and would dilute a letter of complaint.

I've had 3 kids in the last ten years and never seen an HV. When the midwife signed me off on day 1 I told her it was not necessary and that was that. It's not compulsory - surely???

Child health surveillance is not compulsory. No one is legally obliged to see a health visitor.

To be honest Bigwheel that is sort of why I haven't done anything up until now because I've been worried they will start asking questions about why we don't want her to visit anymore - I don't have a problem with HVs in general (although I don't feel we need to be seeing them anymore at this stage) it's just this particular one!

Neither of us have ever been sectioned and we have never had any DV incidents, reported or otherwise.

I think the main reason I was annoyed about the MH comments is that it was related to the 'DH is less of a man' comments. I understand that, for obvious reasons, they have to mention MH issues but what I don't understand is why my MH problems have never been brought up (when mine were, arguably, more severe than his) and yet she mentions his constantly.

Those are pretty much the things that I would complain about reallytired, the comment about DS might not have been appriciated but it was harmless (although he wasn't obese), whereas the calling the police was not and the comments about DH were just downright offensive and sexist!

That is true hobnob but I just want to be sure that, if I request that she doesn't visit us anymore there will be no red flags go up or questions asked, especially in light of the recent incident involving the police!

I don't think not having your HV regularly making home visits when your youngest child is four would raise any red flags at all.
Are you really worried she'll tell Social Services you're refusing her visits? Why would they care?

I don't know I guess I'm just a bit paranoid - I kinda feel like if they feel the need to still be visiting us at this stage they must have some sort of reason for doing so (which they haven't told us).

Having said that, we don't have anything to hide and, like you said, I can't think why SS would be bothered! I'm sure they have more important things to worry about :)

Tbh the reason I havent complained or done anything is because I know (from needing to put DD in emergency foster care when I was rushed into hospital the other week) that SS have NO concerns about my care of DD - all the HV can do is speak to SS or my GP and say she cant get hold of me/im refusing visits etc - they will contact me and I will tell them that I have issues with her and ask why they feel I need regular visits. If they provide me with a genuine reason then I will ask them to arrange a diff HV for me and that I will agree WITH them how often I want visits to take place.

If all the HV is going to do is keep leaving me stroppy voicemails - yes genuinely petulant "why arent you answering my calls, I want to weigh DD" once every month then Im not bothered about ignoring her.

Extremepie, why don't you access the HV records on your family if you are concerned the HV is not being honest with you. I have done this twice now and it is a relatively easy process. You have a right under the DPA (1998) to see data held on you and your children. I have also refused HV services (frankly, I've not met one that told me anything I didn't know/couldn't find out myself. I find their questions intrusive and I resent my parenting capacity being scrutinized. I would rather they spent their time helping those who need help). I had no problems refusing their service and don't see why this implies I have 'something to hide'. Why on earth would I allow a complete stranger into my home to 'assess' me or my children, patronise me and provide usually duff information? I accept that some people might be happy with this, or even welcome it, but those of us who opt out should not be viewed with suspicion.

"well, most men feel like they need to be at work"

Hardeeharhar. I need to work too... I am rubbish at being a SAHM it drives me up the wall! 3 nights a week at work keep me sane!

In my experience, the quality of HVs is a very mixed bag. There are obviously good ones out there because my friend who has suffered from PND only has good things to say about her local team. The ones round where I live are awful and I've avoided them as much as possible. I've also complained about one previously.

You are well within your rights to refuse these patronising and instrusive visits. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

I'd go to your GP and ask the practise manager if there is any need for the HV to still be visiting you. I suspect that they will say no and will be glad to free up some more of her time for new mums who enjoy being pestered by a lunatic. If they do want you to continue being seen, then I would ask them to change your HV.

I don't see HVs more than once if I can help it.

She's oppressing you. Sounds as though she wants to boss you rather than help you.

Her views of gender roles are not relevant to you or any of her actual duties (same arrangement here by the way. if anyone said my DH was 'less of a man' for being at home with the children I would go ballistic).

I would drop her.

Surely your DH doesn't have to answer the door anyway? If he had heard her I am sure he would have, but he would have been quite within his rights to decide he didn't want visitors today and just not bother going to the door. Or he could have just got out the shower or any number of reasons why he didn't go to the door. It seems very OTT to assume it was because the children were left on their own

extremepie. Totally irrelevant to the thread, but... Are they your dogs on your profile? They're stunning!