To stick a newspaper under my arse and squat ??

[HELPMyPooIsStuck]

I've been bunged up for days, so far i've tried raising my feet on the loo, sat with the paper and a coffee hoping gravity would take effect ( it didn't) rocking back and forth, vaseline splodges and drinking enough water to sink the marie celeste.

I've also tried prunes, treacle and shredded wheat.

I don't even like shredded wheat.

Bar the odd feeble offering loggy ain't shifting, it's right at the launch pad so to speak but just isn't taking off, I can actually feel it when I bend down etc, it appears to have set like clay.

So, in the interests of avoiding to mathmaticians route ( working it out with a pencil ) and in the absence of a bucket an old tub. Would I be unreasonale to shove a newspaper underneath my poor, long suffering arse and squat ??

Bring your knees up to your chest when sitting on the toilet and rock back and forward. Or just rock back and forward anyway. That usually helps me

Nothing

Nothing to add but wincing for you

Bleddy?

Um. You need manual evacuation. Sorry, it's the only way to clear the blockage. Rue's method may be marginally more palatable, if you really baulk at the traditional route.

Once the initial impaction is gone you may find all the things you've eaten in an effort to get stuff moving come out in rapid succession too. Stay near a toilet. You will feel a lot better though.

Sorry, I was doing ok and feeling sympathetic until

A stiff drink and a warmed teaspoon.

Best of British.

Then I lost it :o

I've been farting all evening.

I think the Brussel Sprouts are to blame rather than this thread though.

I love MN.

OP, do some yoga. Especially curled up in a ball, laying on your back, rocking from side to side.

Raising feet up helps when you're actually going.

This is a fucking surreal thread.

Not just cider, you need scrumpy the cloudy stuff in quantities that will make you relax. (Possibly followed by a kebab from the dodgiest place you know).

Might be enough to help get things moving dramatically enough to unplug the channel. Or at least leave you drunk enough to attempt manual extraction.

Hoover? With the crevice nozzle?

Jalapeño peppers, that always gives me the shits, I can eat all other types of chilli, I consume scotch bonnets on a weekly basis with no ill effects.

Yes to coffee and a fag, but if that doesnt help, I second RightupmyRues suggestion.

When its that bad a well washed and well lubricated finger up your bum to pull it out is the only thing that works, trust me on this!

A bottle of red wine will loosen you up

Bottle or red, then finger up bum?

On a serious note, magnesium citrate, think you can get it otc in most chemists. Magnesium is a good laxative.

Still no cigar OP?

Actually, I visited Shakespeare's daughter's house recently - her husband was a doctor and kept detailed notes about his cases. He had this exact same problem with one lady patient. The solution?

Warm a pint of Hock (sweet German White wine) and use it as an enema.

Worked in 1600!

Quick name change in honour of OP

Wonder if tipping red wine up my arse will shift things >

Nope, still no sign, i've walked miles today too, it's right at the edge, mocking me and refusing to move, seriously considering donning some washing up gloves and setting to work with a tub of vaseline and the shower ! But think i'll try plan B if no news by morning, a hot bath and have a prod from the other side as suggested up thread !

An out of date vindaloo will certainly oil the wheels of your intestinal tract.

can't sleep cos waiting for news....

Oh dear - I hope you get some relief soon!

I second suppositories. I found the glycerin to be superior to dulcolax and much cheaper.
I got a bit dehydrated when we moved to Malaysia. Four days it took me to uncork my ring piece. Four days with a lump of carbonated shite.
I've been in theaters when a woman was brought in to have an evacuation under GA. Don't be that woman.