To stick a newspaper under my arse and squat ??

[HELPMyPooIsStuck]

I've been bunged up for days, so far i've tried raising my feet on the loo, sat with the paper and a coffee hoping gravity would take effect ( it didn't) rocking back and forth, vaseline splodges and drinking enough water to sink the marie celeste.

I've also tried prunes, treacle and shredded wheat.

I don't even like shredded wheat.

Bar the odd feeble offering loggy ain't shifting, it's right at the launch pad so to speak but just isn't taking off, I can actually feel it when I bend down etc, it appears to have set like clay.

So, in the interests of avoiding to mathmaticians route ( working it out with a pencil ) and in the absence of a bucket an old tub. Would I be unreasonale to shove a newspaper underneath my poor, long suffering arse and squat ??

Ooooooooohhhhhhhh, my poo's a classic ??

My poor bumhole is shredded tho, it's never recieved such attention before.

OP are you willing to out yourself? We all think you're a legend!
(I'll understand if not :o)

Congratulations on your arrival!

I will give a clue.....' my love of cheese may have bunged me up'.

And that's all you're getting !

dutch cheese?
Or are you mouse related?

wallace and gromit?

Edam?
Faecal vomiting was the cause of the extraction in theatre. It was for the reason given above. People do die because of it.

How are things today, OP?

ApocalypseCheeseToastie must love cheese. The only cheese name I remember.

Congratulations OP

💩

It was the warm Hock enema what did it, wasn't it? Be honest now.

A stiff drink and a warmed teaspoon.

Best of British

And:-

"The worst constipation I ever had was a week after giving birth to my DD.

I was stuck on the loo biting my knuckles like a hen trying to lay an ostrich egg. I swear no word of a lie, it took more effort,more pushing and panting squeezing that poo out than it did giving birth to the baby. When the deed was done I nearly wrapped it in a blanket and posed for a snapshot."

Oh my. I cannot rememeber the last time I laughed so much I cried. Thank you.