To stick a newspaper under my arse and squat ??

[HELPMyPooIsStuck]

I've been bunged up for days, so far i've tried raising my feet on the loo, sat with the paper and a coffee hoping gravity would take effect ( it didn't) rocking back and forth, vaseline splodges and drinking enough water to sink the marie celeste.

I've also tried prunes, treacle and shredded wheat.

I don't even like shredded wheat.

Bar the odd feeble offering loggy ain't shifting, it's right at the launch pad so to speak but just isn't taking off, I can actually feel it when I bend down etc, it appears to have set like clay.

So, in the interests of avoiding to mathmaticians route ( working it out with a pencil ) and in the absence of a bucket an old tub. Would I be unreasonale to shove a newspaper underneath my poor, long suffering arse and squat ??

nothing by mouth can help you now sounds like the title of a dodgy porn film.

In the abscence of owning any bum explosives ( suppositories ) and not having an Indian grocer nearby, i'm going to try the newspaper squat method. Sadly I don't have one with a picture of David Cameron in so I can aim for his shiny forehead but can't have everything, will keep you posted.

Did you see that loon on Embarrassing Bodies who was giving herself coffee enemas daily?

Cigarettes.

(TMI) The suppository will sort of lubricate everything to make it easier.

Getorf thanks for the tip,there's an Asian grocer in my home town I'll see if they have some,bargain!

6 pints of Guiness and you will be shitting treacle in the morning.

And then if you take laxatives and all the poo in your bowel then comes out diarrhoea stylee doesn't it all back up behind the hard stuck poo and cause issues?

Yes. I know this from bitter experience.

I'm going to stop now before I sound even more dodgy Good luck OP!

Olive oil would work. If you had a way of getting it up there. ? turkey baster perhaps. Obviously don't insert it too far or you might perforate yourself

Just read the OP to my DP. He looked horrified throughout. Safe to say the magic here is dead.

If you're interested in his advice though it's "Fucking hell call nhs direct or something. Fucking crazy people."

Tbh "fucking crazy people" is his stock answer to most things on MN

You can get glycerine supps off the shelf in supermarket or any chemist. Put it in, lie down for half an hour, then get up and stay by the loo.

Once the hard dried up bit has gone you will regret all the fibre as the dam will be unblocked and poonami will follow.

Diet wise, dried apricots, fresh OJ, kiwi fruit with skin on if you can bear it, will all keep things flowing.

Non medical- cider works.

Yes it does back up and it will start leaking out around the hard poo. It's like fecal incontinence when that happens. It happened to my dad. You should never let your poo build up for more than 2-3 days if you normally go regularly. A handful of all bran every morning also keeps your bowels in check.

Sorry to say, I agree with Getorf you can't just keep eating random stuff in the hope it will get moving

you need to sort out the impaction first, and the only way now really is to don some gloves and get on with. Yes, its gross but the relief is immediate and amazing!

I bet right now, you're feeling a little sick, very bloated and possibly even have a headache? Get some gloves and by tomorrow morning you'll feel like a new woman

Good luck, fingers crossed.....

A stiff drink and a warmed teaspoon.

Best of British.

You need a double poo tea.
From health food shop - various types out there - the ingredient you need to find in it is senna.

It works.

But if you can deal with disposing it and cleaning up properly do what you have to do. I once had to do a poo in a multi layered plastic bag - early morning emergency sleeping in a campervan in the centre of Athens. It was by far the best option at the time.

Hope you feel better soon

Senna somehow softens impacted poo allowing it to pass. No mechanics required.

Senna is not always the answer. I took two, I went to bed, I awoke in the morning desperate to poo (good sign), rushed to bathroom, had to actually give birth to the most massive, eye watering, sideways log ever - which took about thirty five minutes (I skim read an entire Danielle Steele) -which was then followed by another good half hour's worth of squits. Never again. Next time, it'll be a shampoo-ey finger up the bum, thank you very much.

Would bathing your bum in some kind of oil help?

Put it in a bowl of something?

If you have vaseline put it up. Not the tub, obviously, that would be silly,but some on your finger.

If no joy definitely glycerine suppositorys.or grapefruit juice.

Squat over paper/bath/sit on loo, whatever, it's your choice.

Lube up your bumhole, use shower gel, vaseline or spit. Not up inside, just outside.

Stick finger/thumb, whichever is easier in that position, in your fanjo and coax the hard clay poo out that way. Bear down at the same time. The bit of skin/muscle separating your vaginal wall from your colon is very thin.

I would much rather stick my finger up my woowoo that up a shit filled colon.

It will help.

If I had to do it tonight I'd squat with a coffee and smoke. It's the best position. I enjoyed using (the clean) swat toilets during my travels.