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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think there should be no such thing as a SAHM

649 replies

TalkinPeace2 · 04/11/2012 18:09

they might be an ex investment banker
or a part time nurse
or a part time teacher
or an active volunteer in the community
BUT
in these days where most women are educated at least to 18, very few did not work before kids
and very few will not work when their kids are older
so actually should define themselves by their personal achievements - currently undertaking a prolonged break
rather than some sort of domestic - which is what SAHM implies to me.

OP posts:
suddenlyskinnygirl · 06/11/2012 22:07

You wouldn't scottish, I rarely post but felt compelled to tonight.

OxfordBags · 06/11/2012 22:09

I don't swan about shopping or having lunch with pals and if I go to a gallery, it's to give my DS an experience or a nice break from routine. I actually pity how narrow and silly your view of SAHMs is. You are also presuming that being a SAHM means being a 1950s-style skivvy whose partner does bugger all and acts like he's The Big I Am because his work provides the money. Total stereotypical bullshit and as insulting to wage-earning fathers as it is to SAHMs. If you bring your child/ren up to only respect patriarchal notions of status, worth and value, then yes, those children might take a dim view of women or SAHMs when they are older, but if you are not a thick, bigoted twat who can do a half-decent job of raising children without filling their heads with antiquated crap, then they probably won't.

Whose kids, including adult ones, are that interested in their parents' jobs anyway?! It's their relationship with them that is meaningful, and, which moulds their personality and how they view people, not what ideas about what constitutes meaningful work.

Bringing my DS is the most exciting, challenging and fulfilling work I have ever done, and I feel privileged to be able to do so. I use all my intelligence, creativity and ingenuity in doing so and I hope he'll value me always being there for him and the magical times we have spent and will spend together over whatever job I will do in the future. My mum (retired) was a WOHM. Her job was and is utterly irrelevant to me in terms of how it shaped my ideas about gender roles and personal worth, and, apart from being glad she enjoyed it and proud she was good at it, had very little impact on my feelings about her. It's the time she spent with me and my siblings that matters. Work just took her away from us. Same for my Dad, too.

MiniTheMinx · 06/11/2012 22:10

"were largely raised by nannies and au pairs" raised?????

so not only did she work she didn't parent her children. What is more she might also have spent her lunch break in an art gallery.

I am now really confused, now we must parent our own children but dare not choose to be called a stay at home mother or stay at home dare we have a few hours off in an art gallery.

amillionyears · 06/11/2012 22:10

sm, can I ask a question?
The next day, do you remember anything of what anyone has written on the previous day?

OxfordBags · 06/11/2012 22:11

(I mean, his work kept him from us, not that he felt the same about mum as we did)

scottishmummy · 06/11/2012 22:11

so apparently working=don't want to be at home with children.
does this mean the housewife waged dp doesn't like own kids,he is avoidant
or is this disdain only reserved for working women?is it ok for housewife dp to work?

well that's quite a statement.I wonder if it's to be universally applied or only women who work are so judged

Pagwatch · 06/11/2012 22:12

TalkinPeace

I would hope that education will provide my DD with choices.
My education allowed me a decent career in the city for over 16 years before I became a sahm. It has been the thing that has meant that I am a sahm who is financially secure regardless of dhs choices.

The idea that the women of the world is divided into those who are wohm and those who are sahm is stupid. Many will be both.

scottishmummy · 06/11/2012 22:14

curious skinny you seem to understand what you wish from my posts is it selective or convenient?

Pagwatch · 06/11/2012 22:15

Fucking hell.

I hope to god dd is planning her own homework when she is 15. Ds certainly was.
If my dc are relying on my homework help they are screwed.

TalkinPeace2 · 06/11/2012 22:16

Pagwatch
ABSOLUTELY - the vast, vast, vast majority of parents work.
Very few full time
Not many never

Most work a bit : nurses often keep one shift a week to keep their registrations
people like me flex our hours around term times
many others work in schools so they get holidays with their kids

the only people not working all seem to be those on benefits or the spouses of the extremely wealthy
neither are representative of the population at large in the UK (or the wider world)

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 06/11/2012 22:16

I swan about shopping. And I go to galleries.

[helpful]

TalkinPeace2 · 06/11/2012 22:17

Wink I hate shopping but have a rather extreme yoga habit !

OP posts:
amillionyears · 06/11/2012 22:21

TalkinPeace2, you never did answer my question pages and pages back,where I asked whether you were concerned that SAHMs didnt value themselves enough?

Yellowtip · 06/11/2012 22:23

Haven't yet read the thread but I can't see any reason to try and defend what I do. I've never said what I did in the years before I had kids. I'm not in the least ashamed of what I do. And I don't think what I used to do is more impressive than what I do now. Of course lots of not very clever shallow people would make the comparison. But that's because they're not very clever/ shallow.

Yellowtip · 06/11/2012 22:26

Actually I think I did say today what I used to do, but I still stand by the fact that it isn't any better or worse than what I do now, which is looking after the kids.

TalkinPeace2 · 06/11/2012 22:27

amillionyears
No I'm not. many people who work do not value themselves enough. SAHMs are nothing special on that front.

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 06/11/2012 22:30

Pagwatch, I have a bolter, so no time to swan about Wink

OP, I am neither on benefits nor is my my Dh wealthy. We live on his wage of £21K pa. Our personal choice was that we wanted our child to grow up with one parental primary caregiver until he went to school. DH does 50% of all housework and childcare when he is home, because we ARE equals and his work happens to be paid and mine doesn't.

amillionyears · 06/11/2012 22:33

So why should we be defined by our "personal achievements"?

TalkinPeace2 · 06/11/2012 22:33

Oxfordbags
eminently sensible up till school age - my sister is paying £19,000 a year on nursery fees!
what are your plans by the time he's 15 - and hopefully doing his own homework Grin

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 06/11/2012 22:33

this is a rare thread,it attacks everyone.we are all royally fucked
you see working apparently means don't want to be at home with children.
if universally applied housewife waged dp doesn't like the kids,hes being avoidant

I will be watching for further explanation,to see if it's universal statement or just working mothers

Yellowtip · 06/11/2012 22:34

What's a 'bolter' to you Oxford? Not sure what you mean.

TalkinPeace2 · 06/11/2012 22:36

scottishmummy
which bit of PART TIME WORK do you fail to spot in lots of other people's posts
its not a black and white issue - its all shades of grey (but probably not 50)

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 06/11/2012 22:39

you're irascible,shouty,and bold is v bad manners
I hope you understand
without further shouting or listen to you you bold

Liketochat1 · 06/11/2012 22:40

What a lot of patronizing nonsense! Op if people want to live their lives through their children or call themselves SAHMs I really don't see what it has to do with you. What an odd thread.

TalkinPeace2 · 06/11/2012 22:40

bless

the wonderful BoffinMum just found me an excellent new toy
www.ifs.org.uk/wheredoyoufitin/

OP posts:
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