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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish the doctor wouldn't ask my opinion?

76 replies

MomsNatter · 31/10/2012 20:34

I know we're all customers rather than patients these days, but please, i have not had 6 years of medical training - don't ask me what I think my son's treatment should be!

Basically my son has had a cough/cold for about 6 weeks. He's fine in himself, but he just can't shift it. So the doctor asks me what I want to do - give him antibiotics or not. I don't know. Take the lead please!

OP posts:
mirry2 · 31/10/2012 20:36

my 18 year old was asked whch specialist she wanted to be refered to Hmm

RevoltingPeasant · 31/10/2012 20:37

tbh, I feel a bit sorry for the doctor! You gets loads of mums on here saying 'I know my child better than anyone' etc.

There is no guarantee the ABs will work, they may have side-effects, your son is not going to have a cold for the rest of his life if he doesn't take ABs - so they're an option.

It is not like he's saying, 'Sooo, DS's leg is broken, shall we leave it or put a cast on?'

GhostofMammaTJ · 31/10/2012 20:37

I know how annoying this can be. My DS has ptosis and I get asked my opinion a every step!! Thank goodness I have advice and help from others who know stuff about it.

FunBagFreddie · 31/10/2012 20:40

I think it's great that you doctor asks your opinion and advice instead, it's called having a good bedside manner. YABVU.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 31/10/2012 20:40

It depends on which context in which the question was asked. If the doc had listened to his chest and found it to be clear, had a look in his throat seen that was clear too and asked general questions about his symptoms I don't think it is an unreasonable question. If he just took one look at him without any examination then asked then it might be a bit more of an unreasonable question.

Theas18 · 31/10/2012 20:43

Um it's called shared decision making - he should discuss the pros abs cons of each option so you can choose , assuming both choices are equally valid

Mirry.... The govt insists you WILL have choice wether you want it or not !

Shared decision making is actually great, because there isn't often true black and white - every action has ups downs and alternatives. The priorities are different for every person in a given situation.

Choice for the sake of having choice - meh!

Yokel · 31/10/2012 20:44

YANBU. I hate this. I like professionals who take responsibilty. It's not like a waiter asking how you want your steak.

Fakebook · 31/10/2012 20:46

I thought the doctors did this to understand your psychology. Like a test question to see if you're a hypochondriac or if you are genuinely ill.

mutny · 31/10/2012 20:46

Yabu. Doctors are damned of they do and damned if they don't. Lots of parents would not want antibs.
You may ask 'why would they go to doctors then?'

Because lots do even just to put their mind at rest.

Original poster
MomsNatter · 31/10/2012 20:48

She did a thorough examination a week ago and booked him in this week to see if he was any better - so very good treatment from that point of view. But i felt like I was being asked about something i didn't know about. She said he had less transferred noises than last week ( i think) but that six weeks was a long time and did I want to give antibs a go. I'm not qualified to say. If she had said: he doesn't have a chest infection but we could try anti bs for x, y, z reason that would have been great but she didn't. To be fair i should have asked for her reasoning behind offering antibs but i was struggling with a curious four year old and a grumpy toddler... It is good to be asked your opinion but i think i would like it to come with some guidance.

OP posts:
Emandlu · 31/10/2012 20:49

I always say "What would you do if you had this ailment?" and then go with that.

When ds cut his hand I had a doctor ask if I wanted him to have stitches or have it glued. Hmm How would I know which would be best?

RightUpMyRue · 31/10/2012 20:50

He is supposed to involve you in your DS's care. He's not supposed to just fob you off with pills.

Floralnomad · 31/10/2012 20:51

I think he sounds like an excellent Dr , they are supposed to involve the patient ( and family ) in the care and decision making process. Also think that it's excellent that the other GP asked what specialist was wanted , we got referred to a paediatrician who at best is crap ,and its really difficult to change now ( have tried) ,so we are stuck with him . I just ignore 90% of what he says !

mirry2 · 31/10/2012 20:59

But Flora my dc had no idea who she should be referred to. She came home and asked me and I rang my doctor friend who recommended one

Theas18 · 31/10/2012 21:00

Emandlu you should have had a wee chat along the lines of " glue is easy and pretty painless but he needs to keep very still , however it has more of a chance of giving a slightly bigger scar, stitches will need a local anaesthetic, which will be sore, they will take longer to do and agin hell need to be very still, however they are less likely to fail before healing us over and the scar may be smaller "

Then you as the parent ( or the child if they are bigger) can decide. Ultimately the wound will heal so either course is fine, but can you hold him still long enough? Will he tolerate a local anaesthetic - which will be sore - or do we go for the fast painless choice ?

Clealy for a hand you'd probably say " glue and run" but a cut on the cheek? You might feel that actually minimising a facial scar is a big deal and go for stitches ( ok yup I know the choice for that might be stitches here, or theatre under a GA but you can see there is still a choice ).

EuroShagmore · 31/10/2012 21:28

Drs and other professionals are only advisers. The patient, quite rightly, is the decision-maker.

Floralnomad · 31/10/2012 21:31

Then she should have said who do you recommend ? Or who has the shortest waiting time? Perhaps at 18 she may not have thought of that .

Titsalinabumsquash · 31/10/2012 21:31

My son's consultant does this, I turn it back on him and ask him "if it were your child, what would you do?"

I think it's better that they involve you though rather than ignoring or disregarding what you think/feel about things.

MrsKeithRichards · 31/10/2012 21:35

I like this approach. I feel more able to questions the alternatives and discuss all the options.

Yokel · 31/10/2012 21:37

There's a difference between being involved, and being obliged to take responsibility for decisions you're not remotely qualified to make. A doctor who deferred to my opinion in medical matters would terrify me.

SeraphinaSparklePants · 31/10/2012 21:42

When my 3yr old ds had a continuous cough for months, I was asked by the gp if I wanted him to have an inhaler or antibiotics. He passed the decision to me to make as he wasn't sure what/if there was an underlying issue.
I understand involving parents, but I felt uncomfortable at the time as I also didn't know either, so I can understand how you feel.

hiddenhome · 31/10/2012 21:42

Sounds great Grin

Whenever I go to the doctor with my diagnosis already sorted out (I'm a nurse) and tell them what's wrong with me and what the treatment is, the doctor is Hmm It would be nice not to be treated like a child.

VerySmallSqueak · 31/10/2012 21:49

I would love my doctor to do this.

I would love to be given the option of antibiotics if they could be helpful.

It makes me mad when a doctor makes the decision that it's better to let a child's eardrum burst,and let them suffer horrible pain, rather than give them antibiotics Angry It's something I would like to have a say in.I'm not daft,and I don't agree with antibiotics being used a cur all,but sometimes they are what is needed and I get so cross when children are denied something in this day and age,that we have access to,that can make them better.

So,YABU. If you don't want to be consulted you have every right to tell the dr you would rather they used their judgement as you don't know/have an opinion.

VerySmallSqueak · 31/10/2012 21:54

Sorry. Didn't mean to sound so cross Blush

RevoltingPeasant · 31/10/2012 21:56

Yes, don't understand why you can't do what Squeak advises - just say 'I don't know, what do you think?'

I have ishoos with my current consultant but one thing I will say for him is that he presented the facts about surgery beforehand and then said he was not going to give me advice, it was my choice. Much better than the nurse who told me comfortingly, 'The doctor will decide whether to operate or not' - er, no! Not unless I am in a coma..........