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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be?

37 replies

NittyNuttyNoo · 30/10/2012 13:42

I am not married and have never been married but do like the idea of being married one day.
However I went to a wedding recently which was a second marriage for both the bride and groom. When they were saying their vows it hit me that they have both made those vows before so how does it make any difference this time round? I know that they were both obviously married to the wrong people before so things are different in that sense but they both still broke those vows they made which kind of makes them all a bit of a joke.

My parents are divorced so maybe I have a bit of screwed up perception of it all but if vows can be broken so easily then what is the point in making them in the first place?

I am with a long term partner and I do want to marry him but I am in no rush as don't believe marriage will change us and being married doesn't make you a better couple.

Hmmm

OP posts:

gordyslovesheep · 30/10/2012 13:46

how do you know THEY broke the vows - I am separated and didn't break any vows - my husband did - also I believe in marriage and if I ever married again would mean every word of those vows

I think YABU and a bit mean

oohlaalaa · 30/10/2012 13:48

I don't know.

I think, with most divorces, marriage is entered into with the best of intentions, but then life throws up some problems, and instead of making marriage stronger, it falls apart.

DH and I are very happily married. Perhaps it's making the right choice over who to marry in the first place?

Ithinkitsjustme · 30/10/2012 13:50

A marriage is whatever the individuals make of it, I know lots of people who would agree with you and having done it once would never do it again, but equally there are people who find that marriage is a great thing. YABU to judge this couples reasons but NU to think very carefully about whether it would have a real meaning for you personally.

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda · 30/10/2012 13:50

^^What gordy said.

CailinDana · 30/10/2012 13:52

Marriage certainly doesn't make you a better couple, and whoever believes that is horribly naive and in for a huge land if they ever do get married.

I think overall people make too much of marriage, as though it's a mystical thing that binds souls. It is a practical arrangement between two people to mutually support one another, perhaps have children, and generally share their lives. As such you need to go into it with a practical attitude, not a romantic one. Yes, you must love your partner, but over and above that you must respect and like them, a lot. After all, you're pledging to spend the rest of your days with them.

Believing that the vows you make at marriage absolutely must be set in stone forever is just silly. You should certainly do your best to honour your commitment but if it doesn't work, it doesn't work and the sensible decision in that case is to divorce. No one can predict the future and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't devalue future commitments and it doesn't make you somehow damaged or not capable of marriage. It just means the previous commitment you made didn't work out and rather than being a fool and hanging onto something pointless, you did the brave thing and moved on.

Marriage is worth it with the right person. You can only use your best judgement at a particular time whether someone is the right person or not. It is a sensible step from a committed couple to take because it protects both of them. Plus it's rather nice :)

mrsfuzzy · 30/10/2012 13:52

the first date i knew i'd met my soul mate and we've been married 12 years, a third marriage for both of us, still loved up as the first time we met. the right man is out there, it's just that some times we make mistakes but if we learn from it that can only be good, i certainly have!

OddBoots · 30/10/2012 13:53

It depends what you think it is cracked up to be. Each marriage is as individual as the people within it but it's not a bad framework to have from a legal perspective.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 30/10/2012 14:15

I am divorced, I kept my vows when I could have walked away many times in a difficult marriage because I meant them and I don't regret that. When my ex husband had an afaire I divoreced him on the grounds of adultary.

I have since remarried and meant every word of my vows.

Original poster

NittyNuttyNoo · 30/10/2012 14:21

Sounds like I am being a bit unfair. I suppose different people view marriage differently. Most people I know seem to rush in to it which terrifies me but there we go.

OP posts:

nickeldaisical · 30/10/2012 14:21

marriage to the right person is the difference.

ClippedPhoenix · 30/10/2012 14:23

If you're going to have kids, it's a wise thing to do otherwise I wouldn't bother

Ephiny · 30/10/2012 14:24

Of course marriage doesn't make you a better couple (whatever that means ), but it's a convenient legal 'package', and many couples like to take the opportunity to make a formal and public commitment and have a celebration with their friends and family.

I'm not sure what your point is, really.

Isandri · 30/10/2012 14:35

I think it depends on what you view it as. My husband and I wanted a child together and viewed marriage as a way of legally making our relationship official we both thought the only thing that would change in our relationship is that we would be wearing wedding rings.. Our wedding cost around £300 for everything except the rings. We both wanted to be married but didn't want a wedding. We are not party people! We had a quick resistary office ceromony and with some family and friends. Then had lunch in a little restaurant overlooking a canal. We used the money we'd saved as a deposit for a house and will throw a big party at some point.

JoleneRocks · 30/10/2012 14:37

Do you know the rhyme about the girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead; when she was good, she was very, very good, and when she was bad she was horrid?

Well I think marriage is like that, when its good its very good and fulfilling and when its bad its horrid.

oohlaalaa · 30/10/2012 14:42

DH and I were together for eight years before we got married, even though we both knew almost immediately, that we'd met the person we'd marry.

I don't know whether dating for so long, before marriage made us stronger. We always said we'd get married before we started a family. We never felt the need before then. I like the security of bringing a new life into the world with a husband. Possibly sounds silly. Our relationship hasn't changed being married, we were totally committed to each other before, but nevertheless I like being married. Can't really explain it. I think it's a security thing? We're a team.

LaQueen · 30/10/2012 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisthreadwilloutme · 30/10/2012 14:52

I love being married. Love my DH, love my little family. We don't have to work at it any more than we would have to work at being happy alone. Life is good alone and if you find the right person to share it with it is magnified. That said I think being married to the wrong person must be awful.

JoleneRocks · 30/10/2012 15:08

I feel the same as oohlaalaa , we were totally committed to each other before we married and marriage hasn't that. I just like being married but can't really explain why. Its the best thing I ever did, marrying DH.

Zalen · 30/10/2012 15:10

I don't think it's as simple as just being married to the right person. My husband and I had been together 4 years before we got married, we've been married 22 years and up until a year ago we were happily married. Things change, in our case my husband suffered from stress, then depression, then stopped the anti-depressants cold turkey and became completely unbearable. In a few short months all the love I used to feel for him died and last Christmas I told him I wanted a divorce.

Things have calmed down since then, he told me I had no grounds and his mental state improved so that I felt that as long as he continued to pull his weight then it was easier to stay married than not. However I feel that I'm just using him now, DS2 is 8 and until he's at least in Secondary school childcare is a lot easier with the two of us.

Kaekae · 30/10/2012 15:10

I've been with my DP for for 14 years engaged for 5. Doubt we will ever get married, I am 34 this year and I don't really want to be an old bride, feel like I have missed my moment a bit and strung along. I wanted to get married because I wanted to have the same names as my children and at the time I thought I would be married shortly after my son was born but five years later and still unmarried. Some of my friends are on their second marriages.

LaQueen · 30/10/2012 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NittyNuttyNoo · 30/10/2012 15:42

I think what bothered me was that it was a big OTT wedding and it was very much a look how much money we have scenario. The grooms first wedding was very much the same and was only 5 years before and it just didn't feel right. I can't really explain it. Maybe it just made me think that marriage to them was more about the wedding than the marriage. That really doesn't make much sense does it. I really don't know what point I am trying to make.

OP posts:

Tigglette · 30/10/2012 16:01

I think some people do focus more on the wedding than the marriage and I can see why, having made the same "life long" commitment to someone else such a short time ago might make you wonder. Depending on our expectations of marriage it may or may not be all its cracked up to be. I like LaQueen's sense of my marriage being somewhere safe and easy - while we've had our ups and downs I'd still rather be married to hubby than anything else.

mrsfuzzy · 30/10/2012 16:05

zalen, if you are unhappy and you know this isn't working even if you had outside help don't stay put just because your husband's condition has improved you can still cite irretrievable breakdown, get some advice if you feel trapped for the sake of yourself and your child.

Zalen · 30/10/2012 16:30

tbh it's more apathy than trapped, for the first 15 or so years of our marriage my husband did basically what he wanted whilst I looked after DS1 while working full-time (he has worked part-time for most of his working life). Now I pretty much do what I want, self-defence classes, kick-boxing, gym, solo cinema visits whilst still working full time and do my fair share (maybe more) of the child-care for DS2. So whilst I would very much like to be alone and feel little respect for a husband who is apparently happy with a wife who feels nothing for him, I know that I'd have to give up a lot of my activities if I left him and I'm actually happy now for the most part.

Still I don't want to thread hijack, my main point was that circumstances change, I doubt we'd have made it through 20 years of mostly happy marriage (we had some ups and downs but who doesn't) if we were totally wrong for each other, but if he were to come to me tomorrow and say he wanted a divorce I think he'd be surprised accepting I'd be.

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