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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think boys really ARE different to girls and it's not just nurture?

296 replies

Shovelnotspade · 28/10/2012 13:21

I went into parenthood armed with a first degree in psychology (combined with philosophy) and the notion that until puberty, little boys and little girls are the same and any differences are simply nurture.

I have 3 boys, 4 including DH's son from his first marriage and to me, they're so different to girls I can't believe it!

My SIL came over with her 5 and 4 year old girls to play with my 3 and 2 year old boys - they live in the US so we don't see them often and hers say nicely and did crafting, played with my old dolls, and decorated biscuits. Mine did not stop shouting and running. At all. I wouldn't change them for the world and am used to having to think of them as having a LOT of energy and a short attention span but SIL looked amazed and offered me lots of largely pointless tips.

I hate generalisations (generally Grin) but in my experience, at this age, little boys need far more supervision!
AIBU?

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 29/10/2012 16:54

Am coming to the conclusion that DS1 is, in fact, not actually a boy

kim147 · 29/10/2012 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoullScreamAboutItOneDay · 29/10/2012 16:58

That is the paper I was just reading Kim. Again, not the study I was thinking of, but very interesting. The control was not to comment at all, with another group told that the test showed no gender differences (test 3).

kim147 · 29/10/2012 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ssd · 29/10/2012 17:50

op, you are spot on, girls are easier than boys at the age you were referring to

BUT wait till they get older, girls can be a total nightmare as teenagers, moody and bitchy...I don't find boys as hard at that age

Vicky08 · 29/10/2012 17:54

I haven't properly read the whole thread but I just wanted to say that in my opinion YANBU. I have a 4 yr old DD and a 2 yr old DS. They are both treated the same but are so different. My DD isn't the calmest of children but compared to my DS she is an angel. My DS is rough, he loves to break things, draw all over the place, hit, kick etc. while my DD will play with her dolls, pretend she is a teacher etc. In my opinion they are worlds apart.

MrsCantSayAnything · 29/10/2012 18:16

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exoticfruits · 29/10/2012 18:20

Boys do not mature as quickly as girls- that is the reason why the Guides start Rainbows at 5yrs and the Scouts start Beavers at 6yrs.

TheSmallBloodiedFingerPrint · 29/10/2012 18:20

I have two boys who are like chalk and cheese.

Neither are like dogs though as someone so elequently said earlier Hmm.

Inneedofbrandy · 29/10/2012 18:27

Iv'e been thinking about this thread for a while, I agree boys are different but wouldn't say boys are boisterous and girls are not. IMHO and what Iv'e seen with mine and friends is boys take longer to control their impulses. My ds will randomly kick a wall walking down the street I have never seen a girl do that, (although I'm sure some MNer somewhere will tell me I'm wrong) It's not that he can't concentrate or he doesn't sit and do crafts, puzzles and bake (which he loves doing btw) it's impulse behaviour.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2012 18:29

I have 3 boys and they are completely different. There are still differences. It is sad that boys are vilified for being boy like and typical girl attributes are seen as desirable.

JoInScotland · 29/10/2012 18:31

I agree plantsitter. People are different. Shock horror. My DS is 2 3/4 and likes sitting quietly and doing crafts. He has an amazingly long concentration span for someone so young - my neighbours in their late '60s say he can concentrate longer than their 5-year-old granddaughter, easily. He also likes running about and shouting in the park. His favourite colour is purple.

Is he a girl? Gay? Go on, I've already heard it all.

Did I mention that people are different?

ssd · 29/10/2012 18:37

MrsCantSayAnything

whatever

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 29/10/2012 18:40

My son was a very energetic child who walked at 10 months and cliimbed immediately afterwards - sussing out how many building blocks it would take to lever himself on to tables, kitchen counters, etc. Didn't really talk until he was about two and a half. Never sat still for very long

My daughter did not walk until about 17 months, but sat still and amused herself quitetly for hours with jigsaws, crafts etc. She talked from about one.

Completely different natures. As a child HE was far harder to look after as he was always one step ahead!

I do think that boys mature more slowly.

MinkSlink · 29/10/2012 18:59

I have 3 DC, DD 7 years, DS 4 years and DS 2 years.

DD is hard work, she has a very intense personality, lots of energy, and is always falling in and out with her friends. She's not 'girly' at all, with no interest in clothes or dolls and prefers to play with cars etc (although I believe this has more to do with nurture)

DS (4) is the calmest child I have ever met, he is incredibly good natured and laid back, friends with everyone and has never fallen out with anyone (apart from DD!)

DS (2) is pretty hard work, very happy but also very energetic and charges around like a 'typical boy'...

I do believe there is a fundamental difference between behaviour of the sexes although I think it's much subtler and more complicated than people imagine.

I absolutely believe children are born with their personalities, clearly nurture must play a part but your fundamental personality is decided before birth.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2012 19:02

My DSs have always been well behaved, caring and able to concentrate - they are very different personalities.
I have always been completely happy to have 3DSs. I would like someone to explain to me why anyone has a preference if there is no difference- it doesn't make sense.
Or is it Ok to stereotype when they are older but not when young? Hmm
I think it is complete rubbish to think that a DD will be a adult friend to their mother and they will be able to go shopping together. It is completely down to personality,some DDs do not get on with their mothers, hate shopping, and even if they liked it wouldn't go with their mother! I equally hate the rubbish statement that a DD is a daughter all her life and a DS until he gets a wife- again down to personality and nothing to do with gender.
Men and women are different- I can't think why we don't accept that they are different when younger. There are always exceptions- there are to any rule.

Next time someone posts that they are disappointed to have a boy I will tell them not to be so silly- the MN jury says there is no difference!

MinkSlink · 29/10/2012 19:04

Would the male/female personality differences be down to hormones, even at a young age?

exoticfruits · 29/10/2012 19:04

I agree that the differences are more subtle and complicated than people think. I think nature is far more important than nurture.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2012 19:06

My biggest shock as a mother was to discover that my baby was not a blank sheet- they have a distinct personality from the start.Parents think they are far more important Han they really are. If a girl likes pink, she likes pink- if she likes playing football with the boys she likes playing football with the boys- no parent will change it- however much they might want to.

HazleNutt · 29/10/2012 19:11

Of course men and women are different, if we are treated differently from birth (or before that). I still haven't seen any evidence that we are born that way - no, "but my DS and DD are totally different, therefore it is so" doesn't count.

HazleNutt · 29/10/2012 19:13

So what's the point of parenting then if kids are ready-made and nothing we do can change anything?

MinkSlink · 29/10/2012 19:18

HazleNutt - Personally I don't see my job as a parent to be to 'change' my child, more to learn about their individual personality and needs, and guide them through life to the best of my ability.

HazleNutt · 29/10/2012 19:27

Ok maybe change is not the right word - influence? I would guess most parents try to support the development of the child and guide them to the direction they believe is the best one. If they were all fully formed, we might as well not bother.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2012 19:27

Why would we need to change them? Confused we should nurture the DC we have and not the one we want. Too many parents have ideas from birth about what their DC will do and even what they should think!

exoticfruits · 29/10/2012 19:30

You can guide them but they don't have to comply. You may bring them up as vegetarian- they are as free as anyone else to be a farmer and breed lamb for the table. You may be anti pink princesses, you may have a DD who adores both. They make their own decisions and the wise parent lets them.