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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think boys really ARE different to girls and it's not just nurture?

296 replies

Shovelnotspade · 28/10/2012 13:21

I went into parenthood armed with a first degree in psychology (combined with philosophy) and the notion that until puberty, little boys and little girls are the same and any differences are simply nurture.

I have 3 boys, 4 including DH's son from his first marriage and to me, they're so different to girls I can't believe it!

My SIL came over with her 5 and 4 year old girls to play with my 3 and 2 year old boys - they live in the US so we don't see them often and hers say nicely and did crafting, played with my old dolls, and decorated biscuits. Mine did not stop shouting and running. At all. I wouldn't change them for the world and am used to having to think of them as having a LOT of energy and a short attention span but SIL looked amazed and offered me lots of largely pointless tips.

I hate generalisations (generally Grin) but in my experience, at this age, little boys need far more supervision!
AIBU?

OP posts:
greenbananas · 28/10/2012 14:03

I agree that there are some fundamental differences in the ways that boys and girls play, socialise and behave generally. Not all of these can be explained by nurture. However, it would be very, very wrong to have expectations based on gender. Some boys love calm, co-operative games and some girls enjoy climbing trees and racing around like mad things waving sticks.

It does bug me that boys are more often seen as 'naughty' - sometimes they do find it very hard to sit and do craft activities quietly in the same way that many girls do. This causes them problems from toddler group/preschool onwards and they are more likely to have problems with behaviour at school, be excluded from school etc.

SilveryMoon · 28/10/2012 14:09

I agree. I think boys and girls are different.
Their brains are wired differently.
Just after a very quick search here
There is loads out there about the brain differences in boys and girls.

Original poster
Shovelnotspade · 28/10/2012 14:11

"It does bug me that boys are more often seen as 'naughty' - sometimes they do find it very hard to sit and do craft activities quietly in the same way that many girls do. This causes them problems from toddler group/preschool onwards and they are more likely to have problems with behaviour at school, be excluded from school etc."

I agree. And I'm guilty of this (as well as crashing generalisations!)

And I agree with the poster who said that some mums of girls don't get it. I have felt awkward sometimes socialising with friends with girls of the same age as their behaviour does appear to conform with social notions of "good girls" and my jolly boys don't, which can seem like mine are badly behaved when I think they're just normal little boys.
I'm not putting this very well.

OP posts:
ZombieArmsDragOnTheFloor · 28/10/2012 14:11

My DD is far more complicated than her two brothers.

weeblueberry · 28/10/2012 14:14

I've no idea whether boys and girls are different as I'm only pregnant with my first, but logically you've gone against everything you were taught about test subjects. You said yourself you believed it was down to nurture previously but your test group of boys was brought up in a different household to the girls...so how do you know it's not still down to nurture? A better example would be if you saw a family of 2 girls and 2 boys and the boys were very different...

I appreciate this is just your experience but one single incident
isn't a very good way to make a generalisation...

This is purely from a scientific viewpoint of course lol.

missmapp · 28/10/2012 14:17

I have two boys, ds1 will sit quietly and do crafting for hours, ds2 runs around like a mad thing and rarely sits quietly- children are different, not just boys and girls.

Having said that, i agree that boys and girls are different and mine, as others have said, need a good walk every day to keep the peace!! ( that could be down to me though as I love the outdoors and having taken them for walks since they were babies)

teatimesthree · 28/10/2012 14:21

There is an excellent book on the science of gender difference by Cordelia Fine. It's called Delusions of Gender. She argues that the science is much more complicated than the link SilveryMoon posted would suggest. According to Fine - who is a neuroscientist - our expectations about boys and girls shape their behaviour and brain chemistry even pre-birth.

teatimesthree · 28/10/2012 14:22

It stands to reason that we often end up with "good girls" and "jolly boys" because that is the sort of behaviour we expect and reward.

SilveryMoon · 28/10/2012 14:31

I'm sure it is more complicated, that was a very quick search. There is loads out there, some I've read, most I haven't had time too. All very interesting, but I have to say I agree that they are just different.

JoTheHot · 28/10/2012 14:38

Although nurture leads to sex differences, this does not mean that nature doesn't also play an important role. There are the most of solid of scientific reasons to expect a genetic basis to differences in behaviour between the sexes.

Bigwheel · 28/10/2012 14:59

Yanbu.

bissydissy · 28/10/2012 18:01

As some one pointed out above the evidence from intersex (e.g. children with female ish genitalia and male chromosomes/brains who are were in the past raised as girls - sometimes with no one knowing they were not 'true' females) is that nature plays a part. In the past such children were generally assigned to the gender their genitalia best matched but not always with great results.

Of course then you have all the nurture social expectations on top.

Wouldn't normally get all serious on a boys are wild/girls are quiet thread but come on op - your psychology degree set you up to think was all nurture simples? Think you must have been hungover that day Smile.

Tailtwister · 28/10/2012 18:08

Of course they are different! However, there are similarities too and this is where people get confused. Boys are generally more boisterous, but that isn't to say that girls are passive.

Girls and boys can of course enjoy the same activities and frequently do.

TheFallenMadonna · 28/10/2012 18:13

Why would the differences you describe not be due to nurture? By two, there have been a fair amount of that...

MrsCantSayAnything · 28/10/2012 18:16

YABVVU

Boys are nothing like dogs and girls need exercise JUST as much. The stupid attitude that feeds off old stereotypes needs to piss off along with people who insist boys are more energetic, hungrier, naughtier, more technical and less crafty.

It's NOT TRUE.

I have two girls who run around all day....they climb trees, fight, get dirty and need a LOT of exercise.

Possibly, part of the problem with some girls today is that they're not given the same chances wrt exercise as boys are.

MrsCantSayAnything · 28/10/2012 18:18

And since we are offering our experiences...my friend has two very good, quiet boys of 4 and 5 and in comparison to my DDs they're very easy. They like to play quietly on computers or to catch bugs in the garden. M DD's are manic...in a good way....but very hard work.

TravelinColour · 28/10/2012 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlebird3 · 28/10/2012 18:24

2ds's & 1dd here and imo yes they are very different. Girls seem to mature quicker & are so much calmer. My dd4 is more mature & has a better concentration span than ds8. I'm sure it's not the same in all cases but maybe the majority.

crazyhatlady · 28/10/2012 18:26

I do think boys and girls are different in that they use different parts of their brains and are fuelled by differing levels of hormones. Behavior however is just down to being individuals. Like others have said you get quiet boys and rowdy girls. My ds 4 rarely needs supervision but he did at 2!

TheFallenMadonna · 28/10/2012 18:28

But again, why do you think those differences are an inevitable biological consequence of different sex chromosomes?

How is it even possible to separate out nature and nurture, given that children's brains continue to develop in infancy?

LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 28/10/2012 18:29

YA still BU, I have seen many boys not disciplined when being boisterous as the girls will be very harshly done. Hey! "boys will be boys" isn't it, it starts way before 2. I am sure you are part of it too.
They are different but not in the way you describe.

ditavonteesed · 28/10/2012 18:31

well my girls are very much like dogs, plenty of excercise or they reck the house, I have had the argument with the sales staff in clarks before when they bring out yet another pair of stupid dainty shoes that dd2 will destroy in a matter of minutes.

sweetkitty · 28/10/2012 18:33

My DS is 2 1/2 and after 3 DDs he is very different. He's more physical, always climbing and getting into trouble. In terms of toys he's obsessed with balls and anything with wheels, we have a variety of toys around (DD2 is a tomboy) and he ahead goes for the cars or trains although he does like a buggy but uses it to ram furniture.

In general he's also very clingy and more affectionate than the girls, he's totally bonded to me to the extent he's obsessed with me whereas I would say the DDs live us both equally.

But in saying the 3 DDs are completely different to one another.

GreenShadow · 28/10/2012 18:37

Some are, some aren't.

We have 3 DSs. First 2 liked all the traditional 'girls' activities like sitting doing puzzles, crafts etc. DS3 hates all that and is more physical.

All have had a mix of toys - cars, trains, dolls, play kitchens and toy food, pushchairs, books, climbing stuff.

Seenenoughtoknow · 28/10/2012 18:37

Yanbu