MIL deliberately ignoring my wishes..AIBU or is she?!

[havingastress]

Quite prepared to accept it's me who's being unreasonable...

BUT I literally had the biggest stress out yesterday!

Baby due literally ANY minute, am being induced this week. It's her second grandchild.

We found out we were having a girl at the 20 week scan (with hindsight, won't find out again, but there you go!) ...and told parents and inlaws. Her first reaction was...Ooooh great I love all the little pink clothes and outfits you can get.

Now....daft I know..but I BLOODY HATE PALE PINK BABY CLOTHES!!! You know...the whole rows of the stuff in Asda, Next, M+S. it's that insipid pink. Ewww. Anyway, I laughed and told her, Oh god please NO PINK..Honestly, I don't like it and I won't be dressing my daughter in it. Please save your money!! She was categorically told for want of a better way of putting it!

My mum has bought us 5 beautiful outfits for our daughter - each time she phoned before she purchased, described how it looked and asked would I be ok with her buying it.. Totally over the top as it's my mum and I know she has brilliant taste! But I appreciated her respect, and she said she knew from personal experience how annoying it is to receive loads of stuff you don't like because then you feel pressurized into using it because you feel guilty.

MIL turned up yesterday with a bin liner. A bin liner FULL of a mix of second hand clothes, car boot purchases, ebay purchases and some reduced sale stock from Asda and Next. ALL BLOODY PINK. THE WHOLE BLOODY LOT. A ridiculous amount of clothes that I have no idea where to put. She actually said, 'I know you said no pink, but come on, it's a girl, I want her to wear pink'

I was blazing! I feel as though she is deliberately ignoring my wishes, spending money needlessly (which then makes me feel guilty) and forcing HER wishes/beliefs onto me.

I know if I get rid of them to the charity shop/ebay she will open the wardrobe and demand to know where they are. The stuff with tags I took the whole lot back last night and swopped for 9-12months plain babygros etc that will be used and we will be very grateful for.

So...AIBU or is she? And even if it's ME being U, how the hell do I get her to stop buying loads of crap that I don't want?!

Ah, many congratulations on the safe arrival of your gorgeous girl.

It wasn't until I became a mother that I really found my voice, op. I had to speak up for my baby's needs and I did. It's easy once you get into your stride

So, stick to your guns, go with your gut feeling, thank others for their advice but do it the way that seems right to you and your dh.

Best of luck x

Yes I would Goldmandra. I would expect them to say thank you and offer them round if appropriate and if not put them in teh press for others to enjoy ro to re-gift.

As for the purple blanket, I would say thank you and put it somewhere else. The cupboard if it was truly hideous but in my experience extra throws/blankets are always handy.

You see where this is going? I can't get over the number of people who seem to think they are not only owned presents but presents exactly to their liking and order. Hilarious.

They are PRESENTS. It's very nice when someone thinks of you and gives you something whether you like it or not is actually compeltely irrelevant. I don't expect all of my family, friends tobe on top of what I would like as presents.

And anyway, I'll bet she'll be glad of the pink clothes when baby's hitting her third change of the day and it's only 10am .

Congrats OP on the arrival by the way. Hope you're over your outrage now the hormones are subsiding a bit

And Goldmandra, you might notice I said nothing about gratitude. I said she should accept it nicely with a smile and a thank you.

But ellee, the idea of a present is to buy something that the person receiving it would like. Sometimes the gift buyer might get that wrong and no one would be rude about it or ungrateful because a kind thought was there.

If you deliberately give something that you like but are fully aware that the recipient dislikes, then there is no good thought present - only PA thoughts.

And I haven't missed the point. She's giving her presents, presents she said she didn't want but so what? She's her MIL, MIL is clearly excited, clearly her love of pink and excitement with a girl has overridden the OPs request. Since when do you get to dictate what you are given ? And it doesn't take for the heart of the gesture. A big bag of clothes that took time and energy to put together and you'd have the OP throw it back in her face? Nice.

Rarely, and it never puts you in a good light, lets be honest.

Power games Spectral?! Don't be ridiculous. Massive overreaction to some pink cotton if you ask me. And a horrible attitude to family. I think you'll find good will and a little tolerance of others eccentricities and foibles goes a long way towards happy family relations.

Ditto Karma.

My dh's family didn't come to see us for 6w after our gorgeous little girl was born. Would you prefer that as a response to the birth of your gorgeous daughter? Give me a bag full of the tattiest pink clothes any day, At least it means she's interested!

Congratulations OP! I hope you're enjoying your newborn snuggles.

I had a pretty horrible birth too but it's a distant memory now 9 months on.

Ellee - the OP doesn't expect a present and I'm sure that no present would have been better than the big bag of control issues that arrived.

I just don't think it matters a whole lot Karma. They're only presents. Be different if it was her dh but that's about the only person I would expect that level of knowledge and consideration from. Everyone else is busy and totally caught up in their own lives, likes and dislikes.

Loads of people only have the imagination to give stuff they like. Doesn't mean it's a power trip.

Control issues? Where're you all living? The White House? Have a and put the bloomin' clothes in the cupboard.

Ellee - the op has already kept the good bits she will use and then charity shopped the rest, she said up thread she doesn't have much storage space, so it's not like she can just put it in a cupboard to be polite.

I'm interested, how long would you keep a purple throw for? would you put it out when they were visiting if they wanted you to have it in your house or would you believe (like the OP with her DD) you have a right to decide what happens in your house? I would and have binned gifts that I don't want. I will say thankyou but I don't believe someone else spending their money on something they know I don't want/won't use means I'm under obligation to bend to their wishes and use it or give it house room.

The OP's MIL felt that by buying this stuff she would be able to force the OP to dress her DD in a way she knew the OP didn't want to. It doesn't work that way, while you can't force someone to buy what you do want, someone else can't force you to use what you don't want to.

And I don't see how someone buying chocolates for someone who is allergic is anything other than rude, it's saying "I am not really buying this for you, and we both know that" - different to accidentally buying somehting someone won't/can't use.

Have you read the thread Ellee?

'I know you said no pink but ... my gd should be wearing pink'

The MIL does have that level of knowledge. This has nothing to do with a nice gesture and everything to do wth control. If you'd read you'd know that the OP doesn't have the cupboard space to put the clothes away. And coming onto the thread to drag up a situation which has been dealt with days ago when the OP has just had her baby is actually very mean spirited.

Thanks for the though, digestives are my favourite. I could do with an energy boost.

I have massive pil issues but I do feel a bit sorry for her she is just excited and can't resist pretty clothes. My mum gives me bags if stuff all the time some great some not so great but I always say thank you because that is polite

Don'tmindifIdo it wasn't an accident. She even admitted that by telling the OP she knew she'd come round to the idea of pink on the phone afterwards. it was quite deliberate and very PA.

Ooops Don'tmind I didn't read that properly, sorry!

Ellee I asked you how you would feel about someone deciding that your taste wasn't relevant. I'm sure you would smile and say thank you but how would you feel about someone deciding that your living room should be the colour they liked, not the colour you had chosen?

The Op has said thank you politely and then posted about her feelings which are entirely reasonable given the circumstances.

The MIL didn't not buy the OP a nice present. She decided what she wanted her DGC to wear and sent it round. That is not buying to OP a present.

I too hope the OP is over the upset this caused but I also hope she is ready for this PA behaviour to escalate now the baby has arrived and that her DH is prepared to stand up to his unreasonable and overbearing mother in future.

Congratulations OP enjoy your little girl

The mil has already had a hissy fit about not being allowed to come and stay. Ellee, re read some of the comments she has made to the OP and the way she has expressed her wishes and dismissed the OP's.

Congratulations OP and I really hope that this is the biggest thing you ever have to worry about.

congrats on the birth of your little girl :)

my mil does the same, bags and bags of stuff, i go through it, pick out the bits i like and donate the rest to charity or womens aid type shelter. i just smile and say thankyou now as she has been doing it for years, she generally means well but where she thinks we are going to put all the stuff she buys for the children i do not know!

This is making me smile because MiL is still buying outfits which don't get worn and my 21 yr old DD is the one who has to grit her teeth and 'be grateful'

The outfits never fit. Always too small and my DD is a v slim trim young adult. They are always non returnable- from never heard of shops or sale items from months ago.

DD was compelled by controlling MiL to try the latest offering on in front of her (added humiliation) .... 'slacks' in beige which fitted like leggings and the zip would not do up. Obviously never going to be worn. MiL will 'titter' blame the fit on DD 'growing' and expect DD to be grateful for the thought and do it again next birthday.

21 years of this
ellee - not sure if you're ever experienced it but 21 yrs of knowing she doesn't think, doesn't care but does have rules about your reaction is pushing boundaries of social niceness. If DD ever commented the reaction would be hysterical emotional outbursts complaining of lack of gratitude...

Gosh Toothbrush Thief! You are obviously very patient

Your dh should wash all the bin bag stuff you don't like, to get it ready for the baby. And accidentally put some new jeans in with the load. So they come out not pink.

Ahw thanks everyone! Having an amazing time with her - she is so absolutely gorgeous ! :D

So far have successfully managed to avoid ALL visits - we have skyped (which is brilliant) and is keeping her at bay.

However, here's another classic from today....

MIL Oh, By the way, I 've sorted out a load of toys for her and a playmat for the floor..
DH Erm..you really should have asked, we've just got the playmat we really wanted from Mothercare, it's being delivered any minute
MIL Well why on earth did you buy one? I've sorted out what she needs
DH..well we wanted this particular one.
MIL Don't be ridiculous, she won't even care which one she has, I've sorted it take yours back.

CUE ME from the LOUNGE VERY LOUDLY - NO, YOU TAKE YOURS BACK!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED BEFORE YOU BOUGHT IT (although we both suspect wasn't bought new, was car booted, but still)

DH then repeated, Mum, you need to ask before you buy things, we might already have them, or someone else might have very kindly have got us one etc. MIL had massive strop. Said she can't understand why she can't just buy us what she likes. DH repeated and said, yes but Mum, WE want to pick things for her. Honestly, i'm past caring. She's HAD her four kids, this is our turn. And yes, it is my precious first born - why the HELL shouldn't I have the pleasure of picking things for her?!

I just cannot for the life of me understand why she doesn't say - Listen, I'd love to buy some stuff for her, I know you're short of cash, what would you like me to get for you? (right now, 25 million packs of baby wipes and some Pampers newborn would be amazing!!!)

She's still stropping this evening. Apparently I'm very controlling.

Well surely better that I put my foot down now (cruel to be kind?) rather than have enormous argument with her in 5 years time?!

ellee Trust me, this is all about power issues, but I appreciate it's a long thread which you might not have had the energy to read! I'm always super super grateful for presents and have been overwhelmed by people's generosity and thoughfulness over the birth of our beautiful daughter. BUT this is on a whole different level...

Glad your enjoying your DD so much

Well done for standing up to your MIL. You're right. It will make life easier later on.

She thinks you are controlling because you won't let her control everything. It sounds like she's used to everyone just giving in to her on everything.

Good for you op for standing your ground. Your MIL is being a right twat so stick to your guns on whatever YOU want for YOUR baby and she'll soon learn that if she wants to be part of her life she will have to understand YOU are the boss not her!

Keep strong and keep posting!