MIL deliberately ignoring my wishes..AIBU or is she?!

[havingastress]

Quite prepared to accept it's me who's being unreasonable...

BUT I literally had the biggest stress out yesterday!

Baby due literally ANY minute, am being induced this week. It's her second grandchild.

We found out we were having a girl at the 20 week scan (with hindsight, won't find out again, but there you go!) ...and told parents and inlaws. Her first reaction was...Ooooh great I love all the little pink clothes and outfits you can get.

Now....daft I know..but I BLOODY HATE PALE PINK BABY CLOTHES!!! You know...the whole rows of the stuff in Asda, Next, M+S. it's that insipid pink. Ewww. Anyway, I laughed and told her, Oh god please NO PINK..Honestly, I don't like it and I won't be dressing my daughter in it. Please save your money!! She was categorically told for want of a better way of putting it!

My mum has bought us 5 beautiful outfits for our daughter - each time she phoned before she purchased, described how it looked and asked would I be ok with her buying it.. Totally over the top as it's my mum and I know she has brilliant taste! But I appreciated her respect, and she said she knew from personal experience how annoying it is to receive loads of stuff you don't like because then you feel pressurized into using it because you feel guilty.

MIL turned up yesterday with a bin liner. A bin liner FULL of a mix of second hand clothes, car boot purchases, ebay purchases and some reduced sale stock from Asda and Next. ALL BLOODY PINK. THE WHOLE BLOODY LOT. A ridiculous amount of clothes that I have no idea where to put. She actually said, 'I know you said no pink, but come on, it's a girl, I want her to wear pink'

I was blazing! I feel as though she is deliberately ignoring my wishes, spending money needlessly (which then makes me feel guilty) and forcing HER wishes/beliefs onto me.

I know if I get rid of them to the charity shop/ebay she will open the wardrobe and demand to know where they are. The stuff with tags I took the whole lot back last night and swopped for 9-12months plain babygros etc that will be used and we will be very grateful for.

So...AIBU or is she? And even if it's ME being U, how the hell do I get her to stop buying loads of crap that I don't want?!

Your MIL said " it is what I want" - even though you had told her before that you did NOT want - she is utterly selfish

I had a MIL who infuriated me by often saying " What you want doesn't matter".

Op, you are dead right to stick to your guns on this. I had this exact problem, and I asked mil whether she preferred to take the pink stuff back, or for me to ebay it. She was very surprised and miffed that I hadn't immediately perceived her rightness in disregarding my (extremely strongly and repeatedly expressed) preferences, but I ebayed it in big bundles and bought nicer clothes int he next size up with the proceeds.

She now knows I mean what I say. DD is 8m now, and she has bought one pink thing only since then (to see if I had weakened) and she did not look surprised when I politely declined it.

If you let it go, what will it be further down the line? Bratz dolls/barbies/toy guns/whatever else you do not want? Better, and kinder in the long run that she knows now.

Well done!

PS - the trick is to keep smiling politely, whatever she flings at you. It means you keep the moral highground....

Congratulations OP! You sound like an angel, my mil would have got a polite but firm Fuck Off

Wow, just wow. That is some conversation about the playmat etc. I really think you are right to stand your ground - it is all about her.

Did she actually say your were controlling to you or your DH? What did you/he answer? Beggars belief!!

You don't "ask" that she respects that. You tell her that you WILL NOT be having visitors in the post natal period as you don't want visitors when you will be stressed and tired. Make sure FIL understands this as well. I would take a few of the pink things and give her the rest telling her that babies grow rapidly and you won't dress her in alot of pink as you don't like it and told her that so she's better returning the clothes and getting her money back.
If she moans tell her she may be her grandchild but she's your child.

This gets the message that she is wasting her money buying stuff you dislike. If you find this too confrontational (and I get the impression you aren't very firm with your MIL if she thinks she can tell you when she is visiting and you thought she may snoop in your wardrobe) then just put them aside somewhere and get rid of them later.
I got far too much baby stuff when mine were tiny, they wore a fraction of it. It's a shame people don't give me clothes for them now they are teenagers.

Somehow missed this thread had so many pages, sorry.

I was 21 with my first.

My inland came to my home when I was in hospital. Cleaned and reorganised it before I came home,cstayed so when I came home I felt like a visitor then next day physically took baby off my when crying saying 'you are not very good at this are you'

Never forgave my husband for siding with them.

Hope your induction goes well:). With the clothes, anyone buying will pick pink- its almost impossible to do otherwise in the shops. However, I would get your dh to bag them up and take to a charity shop. If she asks where they are, say they didnt fit and you gave them to someone else.

More important is the wanting to stay. Just say no, you and dh need the time. That's it. You might have complications and end up with a cs and be in hospital longer, you might be trying to bf with no top on an prefer to do it nfront of the tv not in your bedroom. Say no visitors for a week , then just for the day a week later.

Also visitors like mil think they can sit and hold the baby all day, which IMO is not helping! You are supposed to be bonding! Does she know she will be expected to cook and clean?) Plus advice on babies is not helpful- my mil arrived next day and got royally pissed off I didn't do controlled crying on a newborn...

Hello

I have never written on one of these threads (usually hang around conception threads) but I felt compelled to add something.

In the nicest and most gentlest was, I do think YABU.

Don't get me wrong, if I had a daughter (I would give anything for a child) I wouldn't want to dress her in pink either. Much prefer greens, blues, purples, oranges etc. And, I do think your MIL has been a little bolshy and selfish in not respecting your wishes for no pink clothes. Your mum does sounds very lovely and respectful though.

However, I really want to help you gain a little perspective. Your MIL is super excited to be having a new grandchild, a precious baby girl. And in her very giddy mind, this baby would look fantastic in pink. She can't get beyond the excitement of it all. But in the grand scheme of things - it really doesn't matter. It's great that you have managed to swap some items for white babygrows, but I wouldn't be to upset about the episode in general.

I often day dream of how it would feel if my parents, sisters, neices, grandparents etc knew I was having a baby. I would alllow them to indulge in any baby related fantasy they wanted beacuse for me that feeling of pride and excitement through knowing I was pregnant would simply be out of this world. Styles of prams, clothes, cots etc just don't matter to me. I am truly not intending to make this answer about my own personal situation but when you have faced years of significant fertility issues then you can't help but gain perspective.

This baby is going to be so deeply loved by so many people. How lucky is she. She is your baby and you get to dress her how you please. Your MIL will soon see that pink doesn't make an appearance and future gifts may be a little more along the right lines.

Again - sorry to put such a different spin on things. But I really think you will feel better if you stop from a minute and smell the roses. I mean this in the nicest possible way - I really do.

Best of luck with the birth and enjoy your precious baby girl. You are a very lucky lady. xx

IF I have missed some other parts of this thread reagrding your MIL's behavioUr, then sorry I missed that and can't comment. But with reagrds to the original pink clothes debate, my answer to that is above.

Yab a bit u. But we are all adults and entitled to our own preferences.

My mum buys dd organic patch worth and knits her tue dye jumpers. My in laws but her pink Disney items. She is given spendy surfer clothes by her best greyness family and my mad aunty buys her loud floral needle cord.
I buy her Boden hand me downs from a friend and baby gap/jojo stuff.
Her wardrobe is v random. I don't care - she's v lucky to have all this stuff and people who bother to choose her things. I'm over it - it's just clothes

You sound like a great mum!

Infact the sleep deprivation and new motherhood seems to have given you the guts (or the don`t care attitude) to be firm with your MIL, good for you (and your DH).

Congratulations on your beautiful daughter.

I was accused of being controlling. So fearful was I that I might be, that I constantly checked before I did anything, over compensated (just in case) and became proverbial doormat.

I'm all for polite interaction with difficult relatives. Everyone has to smile and be polite at some point no matter how lovely their relatives are. Boundaries mean you decide at which point you've been polite enough and at what point she's crossed normal behaviour.

Sounds like she has no boundaries so you need to make them. Keep smiling and being polite whilst making them. But don't cave in

Thanks everyone..I do honestly appreciate the input, and yes, in the grand scheme of things, 'pinkgate' is so minor!

However, had a massive massive cry yesterday because of her latest

We took the baby to have the name registered. We had initially told all family that we were calling her 'Baby Middlename DH surname' ..in other words, one middle name and DH's surname.

We had decided to add my old surname and give it to her as an extra middle name - so not a double barrelled surname, but just a middle name

So Baby Middlename Maidenname DH surname' (hope this makes sense!)

My dad was incredibly touched. I do have a brother, but it's highly unlikely he will ever have kids so effectively his surname has died out so to speak. Both my mum and dad thought it was a lovely touch, and keeps our family name alive.

MIL rang and asked what we'd done today. DH told her we'd been to have the baby registered and this was now her full name.

Her response?

OMG what on earth have you done that for? That's so stupid. Take her back and tell them you've made a mistake. Get it changed now. She's a 'DH surname' not a 'Maiden name' You can't give a baby that as a middle name. She's got nothing to do with 'maidenname' now.

I literally sobbed for about an hour when she got off the phone. DH was crying too. Said he thinks his mother is nuts and to ignore her. He did say OMG you can't say that, we think it's a lovely name etc etc...but she just went off on one.

Honestly. As it sits right now, I don't even want her to meet her granddaughter. How can anyone be so goddamn rude/unreasonable? Surely (even if she HATeS the idea) she should just say, Oh how lovely?

This is more than about Pinkgate now. What do I do?

No, this isn't about pink clothes, or play mats, or even the name, it's about her thinking she gets to decide what happens.

Bit by bit, she'll realise if you don't cave in that she can't get her own way and her efforts do to so get her nowhere, but this means you have to stand your ground on everything even in each case taken independantly it might seem you're over reacting.

And I think it's a lovely touch to use your maiden name as a middle name, that's quite a common thing to do in Scotland isn't it?

sariat lovely post, thank you, I haven't taken offence at all...as I know deep down you are absolutely correct re the whole clothes thing! I"m sorry you've had such a tough time. Our lovely baby girl has come after a late loss last year, it does give you a different perspective on things you're right. I think last week I was very hormonal and very very scared about giving birth and actually having a baby to hold (the last 9 months have been very very long and very tough mentally) and MIL just pushes my buttons in ways I really shouldn't let her.

You sound lovely x

Oh dear OP :(

I wonder if she posted on here saying

AIBU My DiL won't let me stay after the birth of her DD. She has said she doesn't want to see my GC in pink clothes but I do. I buy her outfits in pink deliberately because that is what I think a little girl should wear. I want to be the one to buy special items and get annoyed that when they already have them they won't take them back and keep mine.
I don't like the name they chose and I have told her it's a ridiculous name. AIBU to think my DiL is controlling and won't allow me to be involved in my GC's upbringing

I wonder what advice she'd be given

having First off, congrats on your new baby!

Just wanted to add that my DC (12 & 10 now) both have a surname as a middle name and they, and everyone who knows them, think it's rather cool.

You'll still be brimming over with hormones and suffering from sleep depravation ah, the joys of parenthood! but try to forget about toxic MIL and enjoy your brand new DD!

Your MIL is out of order. I am glad your DH is sticking up for you, your DD and all three of you as a family. Cry. 'Tis allowed.

What I would do....get DH to speak to FIL probably. Say this is not on. Is our child. Our life and how MIL is behaving is not acceptable. Agree it is a very emotional time and are clearly delighted that she is so excited for you and the arrival of YOUR daughter. But that her excitement has clouded her judgement. It is YOUR daughter. YOU and her PARENTs will be making the decisions.

Then get DH to take a breath and go on to say, so, if MIL is prepared to accept this, thayt she is OUR baby and OUR decisions then we need to arrange for you to come and meet her....this date is good....

(I know seeing her is probably the last thing you feel like at the moment. But this thing needs to be stopped and you all need to move forward. By doing it as above it states your position clearly and then shows you are being reasonable...she just has to do the same....and you are not backing her into a corner) .

And then practice "it is all very exciting and thank you for being so involved. She is OUR daughter"

Good luck. And Hugs.

OMG, she did what about the name?

I know it's hard as you have a new baby but I think you are absolutely right to be completely firm about everything now otherwise you could have decades of this crap from her.

The more you can get DH to pull her up rather than you doing it the better as well. In my family the time my dad told his mum to fuck off is family legend - my mum told me about it so often I think she fell in love with him all over again when he did it.

As a first step I suggest you stop calling her or Skyping her. When she does get in touch, get your DH (not you) to say he (not you) is deeply hurt by her comments about baby's name. He (not you) doesn't feel able to have her visit until she has apologised, especially to you, as the baby is a crucial part of both families. And if she goes off on one, he says that he is sorry she feels this way but he feels so deeply that he is unable to discuss it further and hangs up.

Fil told me he would only call dd1 by her middle name (flower) instead of her actual first name (Arabic) be ause he didn't like it. He came around though.
Op your mil is doing a fine job of pushing herself out of her gc's life which is a shame

Congratulations on your lovely baby.

My kids all have: First name, Second name, My surname, DH's surname. Its fine, just a lot to write on application forms.

You MIL sounds very unreasonable, I'm sorry for you.

But with my babies Pink was usefulish, as no one ever got the sex right. DS was always "what a lovely girl" even when wearing train jumpers. DD was "what a lovely boy" even when wearing head to toe pink! (Actually we didn't do much pink, but do be prepared in case their comes a pink stage between 3-6, they do out grow it usually).

Congratulations on your new baby!
What do you do now? You snuggle up with your baby and you ignore the phone and the doorbell!! If she rings, DH deals with her and you don't really want to know what she says thanks. You have been through a lot with your birth and episiotomy etc and it's totally normal to be very tearful when you've just had a baby anyway! Just give yourself a break and ignore her. Go back to bed and snuggle with baby and take it easy and eat biscuits and bask in the wonderfulness of your noisy scrunchy wonderful mysterious milky baby.

I think it is very hard for people who are used to being allowed to control everything to cope when someone stands up to them.

I have first hand experience of dealing with this and I know how horrible it feels when they react like this. No matter how much you know you are being reasonable it still preys on your mind.

Your MIL is realising at the moment that she will not be able to control her DGD's life and that's making her very angry and upset. It may also be making her anxious. Controlling people are often like that because they fear that bad things will happen to their loved ones if things are not done exactly right. They aren't able to accept that other people can do just as good a job even if it is different.

It is really good news that you and your DH are presenting a united front. This will make a big difference to how soon you all come to a new understanding.

Your MIL will spend some time fighting this new order and trying to regain control. She might pretend to give in, smile sweetly, then try to drive a wedge between you and your DH. Eventually, when none of that has worked she'll start to accept that you and your DH make the decisions about your child and things will settle down.

It's a shame that this has all kicked off at such a sensitive time. Remember that you and your DH have a lot to deal with at the moment so any upset probably feels far worse than it needs to. Try to put this all to one side and focus back on this really important time of adjusting to your new life as a family. Do not allow her tantrums to spoil it for you.

Stand firm together but try very hard always to keep to the moral high ground. It will be worth it in the end.

My MIL is a horror at time but I have actually just gasped out loud in shock at the surname comment (although tbh it's just the sort of thing mine would come out with - she quizzed me about my parent's Wills on one occasion ).

Although the clothes issue could fall under the heading 'pick your battles' I think you are absolutely doing the right thing in standing up to her now, and thank goodness your DH also has the balls to support you (mine is terrified of his mother).

Hope you're enjoying your beautiful little girl and that your MIL gets the message and backs off ASAP.