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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If your DH/DP called you a cunt

83 replies

Whiteworm · 28/10/2012 01:41

Ok, so this is wrong. DP can do this in a row (even if DD 2.5 is present) He can be super spiteful even if he says sorry afterwards. What do I do? I hate it and I dont rise if DD is there (so as not to upset her) I back down as I dont want her to see us screaming. But then this means me backing down when I have good grounds. I have told him that this is verbal abuse and he laughs and says don't be silly. He calms down as quickly as he loses his temper. I am no doormat but I feel resorting to verbal abuse is awful. I have never called him this. I just wish I could have a row without him losing his temper and inch from my face calling me a cunt etc.

My friend says she would slap her husband if he called her a cunt. But when I challenged her and said physical abuse is the right way to go she said err no. But her husband would never dare speak to her that way.

What do I do?? 90% time we get on fine. Just when I have a gripe, I hold back in fear of a nasty row. Not me at all.

OP posts:

MagicHouse · 28/10/2012 01:50

You stop this immediately.
His behaviour is disgusting. The fact that you are backing down in front of your little girl is sending some warped messages to her that this sort of behaviour is acceptable. It's not. You're also telling him that it's fine by not challenging it. (I know you talk to him about it, but the reality is, he gets away with it time after time)
It IS abusive, and abuse often gets worse. I think that's because abusive people start to lose respect for the people they're abusing.
I think you should think long and hard about it (and about the practicalities of leaving), and tell him you won't put up with it. Tell him if he doesn't stop it you will leave, and tell him why. Do you really want to stay with a man who speaks to you like that? Do you want your daughter growing up to think it's ok for a man to speak to her like that?
Honestly, you have two choices - you insist he stops and if he doesn't you leave, or you live with it. For me, living with it would not be an option.

NatashaBee · 28/10/2012 01:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Whiteworm · 28/10/2012 01:53

Magic I hear you. Generally he is great but the thought of splitting is a nightmare. I do love him and he is a good dad. But I dont want to split up just wish I could find a way to stop him being so awful when we do row. He apologises but until the next time...

OP posts:

winnybella · 28/10/2012 01:57

Of course it's verbal abuse and made even more vile by doing it in front of your DD.
What MagicHouse said- but I would say it's the choice between living with it and leaving. It will not get better, he won't stop.
My DP would never call me any names because he's kind and loves and respects me. I don't know how can anyone claim to love and respect someone and then call them 'cunt' on several occasions, and in front of a child as well...he sounds vile, eugh.

winnybella · 28/10/2012 01:58

No, he is NOT a good dad, if he's verbally abusing you in the presence of his DD.

winnybella · 28/10/2012 01:01

And he's already got you where he wanted, even though you don't seem to realise it: you always back down in arguements, you make excuses for him...

Btw I speak from experience. Calling names was just the start, in my case.

NapOfTheDamned · 28/10/2012 01:01

Massive, massive red flag.

You hold back in fear.
He laughs when you tell him it is abuse.
He is spiteful.
He gets an inch from your face and calls you the most offensive word in the language.
He does this in front of your child.
You hate it.

He is a bully and this is horrible and unacceptable and just wrong.
I'm so sorry for you.
This cannot go on.
You can't make excuses for him; this is not excusable and he is not being a great husband or dad if he does this, no matter what he does the rest of the time. He is being an abusive husband and a bad father.

MagicHouse · 28/10/2012 01:02

Hmm! You are sounding like lots of abused women ("most of the time he is lovely/ he is a good dad..."). He is NOT a good dad if he loses his temper and calls his mum vile names in front of her. NOT AT ALL.
However, I do understand that feeling of finding it impossible to leave. I've been there - for different, but also horrible reasons. I used to tell myself "most of the time things are great" all the time too. (I did leave eventually - best thing I ever did!) For me, having things start to affect my children was part of the kick start I needed to get out. Also for me, things did just get worse and worse, until he had very little respect for me at all.
From where you are though - maybe your starting point would be to sit down and say you have been considering leaving and that his behaviour must stop. Tell him you don't want your dd growing up to think that it's ok to be with a man who speaks to her that way. Maybe suggest Relate? He needs to know how serious you are, or else he has no reason to stop.

Original poster

Whiteworm · 28/10/2012 01:05

He is generally fantastic. He has a very short fuse. A very short fuse. As quickly as he blows up he calms down. For example, he has broken mobile phone hands free kits because "they tangle themselves up" He gets cross when he cant find his keys etc. He just dismisses it. Says he would never hit me and he doesn't mean it. But I wind him up. I will admit I always want the last word and I am a sarcastic person. BUT I think the odd row is healthy. I hate the fact I hold back and feel resentment in case he gets loud and shouty. I am just hoping that someone will come along with an answer that stoops him in his tracks next time he kicks off. 95% of our relationship is good.

OP posts:

AuscreemaAscare · 28/10/2012 01:06

Oh sweetheart, you shouldn't be putting up with that, nor should a child grow up hearing it. My son needs me now but you should get lots of support here. Take care of yourself for now.

MagicHouse · 28/10/2012 01:19

Oh dear, I think the clocks going back at 2am have mucked up the order of this thread :-$

OP, his behaviour IS a big problem. I think I agree with the poster who said he's not likely to change. But from where you are, I think that's what I would try now - in the form of counselling maybe. Or a big discussion about this stopping. You are setting yourself up for a difficult time ahead if you allow this to go on. What would your advice be to your own DD if she came home one day and said her partner had a really nasty temper and called her a c**t (I can't even write the word I find it so disgusting) every time they had a row? and laughed at her when she told him it was abusive? I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be to try to think of a suitable putdown/ or "good answer".

bragmatic · 28/10/2012 02:55

Lovely men don't call their partners a cunt.

Hell, even the average ones don't.

AdoraBell · 28/10/2012 03:02

If my OH called me a cunt it would be the last direct conversation we had, all further communication would be through solicitors.

samandi · 30/10/2012 16:10

I wouldn't find that remotely acceptable. But then my partner and I very rarely argue anyway. Of course it is verbal abuse and it's not acceptable (or being a good parent) to argue like that in front of young children either.

mollymole · 30/10/2012 16:13

It is totally unacceptable and in front of a child is beyond believe. He sounds like an aggressive bully. Why do you stay with him ?

poopnscoop · 30/10/2012 16:17

My DH would never dream of calling me this... he has far too much respect for me. Totally unacceptable. Your poor child too, witnessing this abuse :(

Ithinkitsjustme · 30/10/2012 16:19

If my DH called me a cunt it would be the last thing he ever did, don't put up with this. If, as you say, he is a good partner teh rest of the time and it only happens when he gets angry then he needs to get anger management at the very least, and you need to make it very clear that this is not acceptable whether it is in front of your DD or not.

mutny · 30/10/2012 16:22

Dh would never ever say this. Its a complete lack of respect.
Once would be more than enough. I would not tolerate it. But then I wouldn't call him something like that either so it works both ways.

Completely unacceptable.

Lueji · 30/10/2012 16:23

It looks like you both need to grow up.

I'm not sure arguments are healthy. Bottling up isn't, of course. But ideally, arguments should be about ideas and not put downs.

Healthy arguments don't involve name calling or sarcastic comments.

I think you both need to be aware of your behaviour and call it out when you notice it. Either in yourselves or each other.
Agree on a time off if it happens.

I'd be worried if he gets his short fuse with inanimate objects. My ex did and eventually he did hurt me.

CaptainVonTrapp · 30/10/2012 16:24

I could get past this if it happened in the context of an adult argument. And it was never repeated after you explained how offensive it is.

To do this more than once in front of you child is actually unforgivable. Not the behaviour of a good dad or husband. Sorry OP.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2012 16:24

A good Dad?

If you sent your DD to a Childminder who used the word 'cunt' in front of her, would you consider that person to be a good Childminder?

No?

Why not?

Lueji · 30/10/2012 16:25

And agreeing with others:

Even ex didn't call me those names. His worst was stupid and dumb (I'm not! - he is, but that's another conversation) and it was clearly towards the last of my respect for him and the end of the marriage.

Name calling is never a good sign.

LucyBorgia · 30/10/2012 16:26

Oh Whiteworm. It's not acceptable and I think you know it. The shouting at you an inch from your face is just so wrong. I was in the situation where I witnessed this in another house, family member but through dh. It had gone on for thirty years and was just accepted with bowed heads and silence. My shock and outrage (while mentally packing my bags fully expecting to be thrown out for speaking out of turn) caused said man to storm out of the house to go and stew in the pub. I dragged relative out of the house ( although she fully expected trouble at such behaviour) and we went out and did not come back til dawn. He meanwhile had come back ready to apologise and be welcomed back into marital harmony. Our absence shocked him as did his wife of thirty years standing up to him and saying she didn't deserve this behaviour anymore and if it didn't change she was leaving......(admittedly buoyed up by my goading and a hangover). He broke down and talked about his parents arguing this way and that to him it had seemed somehow normal. He agreed to go for counselling out of fear of losing his beloved wife.
They are four years down the line very happy and that incident changed the power balance in the house. It was only that I was an outsider that highlighted the terribleness of his behaviour. I'm not saying I know how to fix this but only that I have seen it done.
However you do it....you have to make a stand...and I know it will not be easy.
I wish you all the best of courage, look after yourself you do not deserve this behaviour.

cantspel · 30/10/2012 16:27

I would not with with any man who called me a cunt or swore at me in any way. I have been with my oh over 20 years and can say with hand on heart he has never sworn at me or raised his voice to me.

Do you really want to bring up your children having to listen to their father bully, shout at and swear at their mother?

ouryve · 30/10/2012 16:28

If my DH called me a cunt, I'd make him one.

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