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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if this was your DS travelling north by train this morning from around Leamington Spa you should be ashamed of yourself?

70 replies

CharminglyOdd · 25/10/2012 21:27

It made me so fucking furious at the time, even more so because I was travelling on a staff card so couldn't say anything - if I create a fuss whilst using a staff card I get disciplined. Then I thought maybe his parents would be on MN and would recognise him and maybe have a fucking word Angry At the very least I need to vent.

He has brown hair, is in lower sixth/first year of A levels and was travelling with a girl a year older who was off to visit her sister. The usual teenage angst/competing with each other to see who they have slept with/who fancies them and blatantly subtley flirting at the same time. I blocked it out until the words "she was passed out and naked" came to my ears.

He was telling his friend - at the top of his voice - about how a girl he called "the whale" had been at a party. She had got very drunk and passed out, at which point he and his male friends stripped her naked and hid her bra (girl on the train asked gleefully "Did you hide her clothes?!", which is how I know that Angry). The poor drunk girl woke up as they were taking pictures of her and started sobbing.

He thought it was fucking hilarious. From the way he was talking I have no reason to doubt what he was saying - he didn't think it was a big deal, it was just something else to add to the conversation they were having. The girl he was sitting with said it was really funny. And I so wanted to interject and say how disgusting that was and I did nothing because I was scared of getting into serious trouble with work (have only been there a month).

I am twenty five and can honestly say I don't think any of the boys my age when I was seventeen would have behaved like that. Let alone a whole group of them. That's not to say they were saints but they wouldn't have stripped someone naked, filmed them and laughed when they cried. That poor, poor girl :(

OP posts:
unexpectediteminbaggingarea · 25/10/2012 21:31

yanbu to think the boy should be ashamed, but yab a bit u to think the parent should. You're right that it is utterly utterly vile though. That poor girl.

Original poster
CharminglyOdd · 25/10/2012 21:32

I just can't fathom how anyone could bring up their child to think that was an okay way to behave.

OP posts:
ChristmasKate · 25/10/2012 21:40

Shock there is so many things that are dreadful in your post, his belief that it was fine, hers that it was funny......

Scary world.

BadgersBottom · 25/10/2012 21:41

I don't suppose they did bring him up to think that was ok. Kind of an absurd assumption to make really. Of course it's a terrible way to act and think but are you really suggesting his parents taught him this behaviour?

MumsGoToReykjavik · 25/10/2012 21:42

Vile BUT teenagers....y'know...the stuff they say when other teens are listening/admiring how funny and cool they are doesn't really reflect the people they actually are. Nor does it mean it is necessarily true.

However, I am not saying that if I was you OP I wouldn't have been just as thorougly disgusted.

ssd · 25/10/2012 21:42

what makes you think his parents know anything about this?

Pochemuchka · 25/10/2012 21:44

YABU - the boy should be ashamed, not his parents.

Unfortunately, I don't think it's an unusual occurrence :(
I had to bleach my ears after a train journey home last week (with my pre-school DC) because of the vile things 4 teenagers (2 boys, 2 girls) were talking about (loudly).
They were candidly discussing similar humiliation situations, taking advantage of drunken girls, coercing girls into oral sex when they didn't want to and all sorts of other unsavoury things. They also kept referring to the girls by derogatory sexist names.
All of this was made worse by the fact that they were talking about videoing it all and posting it on the Internet/sending it to everyone in their year etc.
I told them to keep it down as DC were there but they continued to talk quietly about the same stuff :(

midseasonsale · 25/10/2012 21:46

I think you could have said something low key to him/her. Even if you just said it as you were getting off the train

Original poster
CharminglyOdd · 25/10/2012 21:47

They probably don't know and yes, he's at least sixteen. But I like to think that the reason my friends and I (and even the people who weren't my friends) didn't do stuff like that was because we knew it was wrong, because our parents had brought us up to believe it was wrong. And i don't think they actively taught him it was okay... but seriously, what makes someone think stripping an unconscious girl naked is okay?

And I know teenagers talk all kinds of shit by themselves - god alone knows I did - but we didn't do stuff like that. And I'm not so far removed from seventeen. I just find it thoroughly depressing.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharminglyOdd · 25/10/2012 21:49

midseason I know. I know. And that's why I posted in AIBU... on the faint hope that the description I've provided means that maybe someone who knows him will figure it out and have the word with him that I didn't. Lame, but the best I could think of given that I left the train at York and they continued on so are probably a long way away now.

OP posts:
MumsGoToReykjavik · 25/10/2012 21:50

I do agree with what you are saying OP. I wouldn't have spoken like that when I was his age and I'm late early thirties but, as much as I hate to say it, 'times' really have changed and the things that youngsters talk about have changed a hell of a lot.

I would think that it is actually a load of bullshit and he didn't do anything of the sort and is attempting to make himself sound like something he thinks is "cool". Or at least I really hope that is the case.

seeker · 25/10/2012 21:57

Well, if I was his parent, I would be ashamed. If he actually did it, or if he thought it was OK to make it up and tell others I would be beyond ashamed. And if I brought up a daughter who joined in I would think myself th worst parent th has ever been,

DinosaursOnASpaceship · 25/10/2012 22:07

That's really really vile. That poor girl.

If it was my son I would be very ashamed, I hope that I am bringing my boys up with an ounce of respect and morals.

They are still young though so I have no experience of teenagers and no idea what influence I will have over them. I would be deeply disturbed if one of my boys talked and acted like this though.

EllenParsons · 25/10/2012 22:07

Bloody hell :( in no way is that okay or "just teenagers"

seeker · 25/10/2012 22:11

I find it incredibly depressing that anyone thinks this is even remotely acceptable teenage behaviour. It isn't. Most teenagers are lovely,charming, thoughtful people.

Some of them are gits. But some people are gits. Being a teenager is neither excuse nor explanation.

Everlong · 25/10/2012 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sarahplane · 25/10/2012 22:17

I would be utterly ashamed if my son either did something like that or thought that making something like that up would make him cool. I'd also be utterly ashamed if my daughter thought that was cool.

higgyjig · 25/10/2012 22:21

Funny how everyone is "scared of getting into trouble with work" or "didn't want to risk getting hurt" or "was in a rush" or "had DC with them" to avoid calling them up on it. Every time, almost as if it were some sort of excuse to ignore the fact that you could have said something. Hmm

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 25/10/2012 22:24

I would have been tempted to inform him that what he did constituted criminal offences and rather than boasting about his exploits, he should be keeping quiet and hoping his victim doesn't go to the police.
I hope she does and I hope the little scrote gets into some serious trouble.

Original poster
CharminglyOdd · 25/10/2012 22:31

higgy I know and I am ashamed of myself. I've been on MN long enough to know that I would get (and deserve) comments like yours for posting that I did nothing. But, like I said, I thought it was worth it if someone recognises him from the description as it's fairly specific. And I absolutely would have been disciplined for starting any kind of confrontation whilst travelling on a staff pass and the continuation of my contract beyond December depends on a clean slate. I will actively stand up for other things - I have no problem embarrassing colleagues who make Jimmy Saville 'jokes' or confronting them for other vile stuff. Doesn't excuse the fact that I did nothing today but I would like to make it clear that I very rarely do nothing.

OP posts:
SoleSource · 25/10/2012 22:37

Could as a result of hiself ecperiencing sexual abuseat the hands of his own parents or anotber, or just bravado, could be true who knows.

Hasn't he committed a crimibal degrading act.

Original poster
CharminglyOdd · 25/10/2012 22:37

Sorry, reading back my last comment I sound like a bit of a twat. I've had a few glasses of wine. I felt a bit sick at the time when i heard it. I didn't want to listen to any more so I plugged myself in for the next hour. Then I thought about saying something and thought about the chances of getting disciplined vs the chances of me saying something actually achieving anything (high vs slim) and so I did nothing. Midseason was right to say upthread that I could have said something as I left, I didn't think of that at the time.

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 25/10/2012 22:45

Very sad world we live in where that kind of conversation is acceptable to his peers let alone his actions.

As a teenager I lived in a shared house with 3 lads, they treated me with the utmost respect and really looked after me, even putting me to bed once fuly clothed after I got so hammered I passed out. That was 20+ years ago. I'm not so sure my daughters would be as well looked after in the same scenario and that is very sad.

makingitin2012 · 25/10/2012 22:49

I rarely post on here, and am not intentionally wishing to put forward a conflicting opinion, but: Oh my word! Neither the OP, nor any other poster on this thread, has commented that whilst the OP thinks the boy's behaviour was terrible (which of course it was), what about the girl's behaviour who apparently found the boy's story 'funny'?! Seriously?!
I don't think the OP is unreasonable for finding the boy's behaviour frankly shocking, but I genuinely view it as unreasonable for not also viewing the girl's behaviour (who found it 'funny') shocking also. Or is it just me??!!

IvorHughJackolantern · 25/10/2012 22:51

What you can do is contact the police, repeat what you've just posted here, and tell them the time you were on the train and where it was travelling from and to. They can then, if they wish to, contact the BTP and have them check CCTV and perhaps see if they could identify him in some way i.e. if he was in school uniform.

What you overheard was someone admitting to sexually assaulting someone else. I cannot think why the police wouldn't be interested in hearing about this.