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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to want to have PIL to stay for a week at Christmas?

44 replies

DeadTall · 24/10/2012 22:22

I'm beginning to dread Christmas... I love having family to stay for a day or two, and I think it's really important for DS/DD to have their grandparents here at Christmas, and for us to make sure that they have a good close relationship with them. We are pretty much the only family that PIL have & they live a long way away. They come to stay about once every 6 - 8 weeks, for long weekends, and we visit them when we can. We've been on holiday with them in the summer, and we alternate between our house and theirs for Christmas.

This year it's Our Turn To Do Christmas, & we're approaching the point where we negotiate the timings of the Christmas Visit. I have a feeling it's going to be a tricky one. DD's birthday is before Xmas, so they will want to be here for that, then they won't want to travel home until after boxing day... I think I will be screaming tearing my hair out a bit stressed by the time they leave.... DH is usually clenching his fists after 24 hours

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 24/10/2012 23:31

ell, if dh is agaainst it too, can't you just sho a united front? or do they niggle away at you?

fedupofnamechanging · 24/10/2012 23:34

Just be specific about the dates you are inviting them for. Maybe lie and say that you have a friend staying or that you are planning on visiting and staying with other friends/family over some of the Christmas period.

ledkr · 24/10/2012 23:38

It's too long they will have to miss dds birthday and see her over Xmas tell them she is having her friends for tea and that obviously they won't want to make two trips, act as of staying a week is not even an option. I have pil who live away and couldn't actually afford to keep the greedy gits them in food for so long.

pictish · 24/10/2012 23:39

I agree - they'll have to miss dd's bday because otherwise it's too long.
Oh well. Thems the breaks.

onetoomanytoo · 24/10/2012 23:40

why do i feel a MN bingo thread coming on,

for a full house you will need the folowing :

but they are the grandparents of your children and deserve to spend as much time with them as possible
but they are the parents of your OH
they might not be around much longer and you will regret it when they have died

and the bonus ball is

christmas is a time for family, so suck it up!!

personally i would say, , do what you want, it is your christmas, it is your house, if they drive you nuts don't put up with it.

lilolilmanchester · 24/10/2012 23:41

I totally and utterly understand where you're coming from. Except we're down to one grandparent for our DCs, one parent for us - the others have passed... and to be honest, yes, it was PITA not being able to do what we wanted to do over Christmas...but my, how I would have that time back.

Honestly, I truly know what you mean. Just always think "what if this is the last Christmas... " and if you need help getting through it, others on here will help ... or you can PM me. Nothing worse than dreading a Christmas with your parents, and it not happening because one of them left you. Which is what happened to me.

OhTheConfusion · 24/10/2012 23:46

Do you normally go to theirs for a week?
If not try to make their visit a normal long weekend... politely say 'when you arrive on the 23rd we were thinking about taking the dc's to do [insert choosen activity here], we thought it would be a nice way to kick off our christmas weekend!' The 23rd is perfect as gives you the last sat before christmas to do any last minute things etc.

fedupofnamechanging · 24/10/2012 23:47

If you take the view that it could be someone's last Christmas (when they are not actually ill), then you would spend your whole life doing stuff you didn't want to do, that makes you miserable, just in case.

For all anyone knows, this could be the Op's last Christmas - life has a way of throwing unexpected shit at us. Should she spend it pandering to other peoples wishes at the expense of her own?

lilolilmanchester · 25/10/2012 00:04

fair comment karmabeliver. I love having family around me at Christmas, but we live a long way from both our roots, so have family for a week or two at a time, which can be a massive inconvenience, being totally honest . Now we only have one "inconvenient" parent between us, we're of a completely different mindset. Each to their own. Who knows what is round the corner, and have read enough "what if" posts on here to feel it appropriate to encourage people to think about things differently. I wasn't trying to encourage people to spend their lives doing "stuff" they don't want to do..... just offering a different viewpoint

fedupofnamechanging · 25/10/2012 00:15

I'm sorry lilo - I didn't mean to be insensitive to your loss and reading my post back, it does come across as a bit cold. I apologise for that. I do see your point that perspectives change according to the particular circumstances of your life.

2rebecca · 25/10/2012 00:16

I'd agree with you and your husband deciding when you want to invite them and inviting them for that period. If they moan about missing your daughter's birthday say "oh, I thought you'd rather come for Christmas, you can come for her birthday instead if you'd prefer and we'll go to husband's family for xmas instead". Make it clear that a week is too long and you want some time to relax.

2rebecca · 25/10/2012 00:21

Parents do die, that's life. My mum is dead, that doesn't mean I now wish I had spent every single xmas I've ever had with her. We all die, I might die, so might my husband or my kids.
The fact that other people will die isn't a reason to live your life someone else's way and never tell visitors that you want them to visit for a shorter period.
The OP was offering to have them for birthday or xmas, just not both.

lilolilmanchester · 25/10/2012 00:54

am obviously in the minority here, so will back out. Each to their own. Don't let your parents and in-laws spoil your perfect Christmases.... just remember, one day you will be the parents/in-laws, and you will have set the precedent.

musicalendorphins · 25/10/2012 04:25

How far before the 25th is your dd's birthday?

pigletmania · 25/10/2012 06:43

Wow you all saying a week is too long, PIL sated for 2 months in th summer. By the end I was ready to commit suicide

Brycie · 25/10/2012 06:56

I think I would probably live with a week when they sound like they're kind of in need of family time. I would console myself with the idea that it's "in the bank". If it's that rareand wouldn't start a precedent then I would do it and get your reward in heaven. It would be such a nice thing for you to do for them.

They're not escpecially unplesant cruel or irritating are they? Some parents in law can be awful.

exoticfruits · 25/10/2012 07:10

I would just set the dates yourself, early. Say 'it will have to be after DDs birthday because............'

TiAAAAARGHo · 25/10/2012 07:25

I love my Pils. But the max they can visit for is 4 days. Can you arrange to delay the birthday celebration to squash it closer up to Xmas?

Helenagrace · 25/10/2012 07:48

Have a script and stick to it.

"DD is having friends round on her birthday so I thought that we'd do another birthday celebration on . She will love having two birthday celebrations and it will be nice for you to have your own special time with her. So if you'd like to arrive on..."

Meaning if you don't let her have two birthdays you are being very mean GPs and how could you not want "special time" with your DGD?

Would work with my outlaws and they know how to push the staying over thing to its limits.

I've only escaped this year because we move 300 miles 3 weeks before Christmas. The house couldn't possibly be ready in time .

diddl · 25/10/2012 07:56

It´s a hard one as no one knows you all.

Why is it so stressful having them there and can anything be done about that?

Do they sit around waiting to be told what to do or do they fit in with you/get out & about?

For years we´ve had my Dad twice a year for a month eayh time-so a week doesn´t sound that long!

I can understand that they want to see her on her birthday.

But realistically, if she is having a party-will they be in the way/butting in?

Could you do it just this once or would they then always want to do it when they come to you?

ledkr · 25/10/2012 08:04

My pil always totally outstay their welcome eg despite a big roast will still be sat there at 7 on a Sunday whilst we run around doing homework with dc and getting ready for school and work Monday. They are actually waiting to be fed again unfortunately this has led to us dreading their visits but they brought that on themselves. They either don't see or ignore the signals which say " you have been here since Friday we all have busy days tomorrow and its time to go"
That is why you need to be clear op my pil even overstayed the night I brought dd home from hospital we made it very clear we wanted an empty house to come home to but no they stayed till ten eating all my food!
I am on holiday at the moment with my best friend it's great but ill be glad to be home and by myself again.@

2rebecca · 25/10/2012 10:52

Some of you do sound a bit maryrish about doing everything for visitors and then moaning about it.
If you'd rather your visitors left then tell them "can you leave after lunch as we hace alot to get on with this afternoon for Monday"
If they normally cook for themselves at home thay should be capable of helping with preparing and clearing up food. Get them moving.
If you return after giving birth tell them that you are tired and it was lovely to see them but please can they go now. It's your house, you decide when visitors leave not them.
Be more assertive when you have visitors and you maybe won't dread them so much.

midseasonsale · 25/10/2012 11:28

Just say 'we are making plans and please can you arrive on x and leave on X'

EuroShagmore · 25/10/2012 11:49

My MIL came for a week last year. ARGH. She and my husband sniped at one another and it was tense. She was a bit freaked out by how busy Central London gets at Xmas so we couldn't think of much to do with her. So, that was one of my five precious weeks of annual leave spent like a prisoner in my own home and tense throughout. It's not fair. My parents came too, but they live in London so were just there for Xmas afternoon, which is much better. I couldn't stand my own parents for 24 hrs a day for a week!

DeWe · 25/10/2012 11:52

I suggest they do travel back on Boxing day. We found the traffic almost non-existant then, much nicer than the 27th by which everyone's back on the roads.

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