not to want to have PIL to stay for a week at Christmas?

[DeadTall]

I'm beginning to dread Christmas... I love having family to stay for a day or two, and I think it's really important for DS/DD to have their grandparents here at Christmas, and for us to make sure that they have a good close relationship with them. We are pretty much the only family that PIL have & they live a long way away. They come to stay about once every 6 - 8 weeks, for long weekends, and we visit them when we can. We've been on holiday with them in the summer, and we alternate between our house and theirs for Christmas.

This year it's Our Turn To Do Christmas, & we're approaching the point where we negotiate the timings of the Christmas Visit. I have a feeling it's going to be a tricky one. DD's birthday is before Xmas, so they will want to be here for that, then they won't want to travel home until after boxing day... I think I will be screaming tearing my hair out a bit stressed by the time they leave.... DH is usually clenching his fists after 24 hours

[DeadTall]

We finally agreed (me & DH) on a plan - to ask them to arrive on the 23rd & go home on 27th, quoting a very busy pre-Christmas week as a perfectly valid excuse (3 concerts, 2 Christmas socials, last minute shopping, seeing friends). We agreed that it's not actually them that's the problem, but a week of visitors staying - I wouldn't have my parents for that long, or anyone else for that matter. However, DH has just organised for them to arrive on the 22nd so he appears to have unilaterally changed the plan [sigh]. I think he was having a last minute guilt trip about not letting them arrive for DD's birthday.

Aaanyway... it's a better outcome than a week's stay, which is what they had assumed would be OK without even asking us

We're going to book the panto for the 23rd, and then I'm going to pray for dry weather so we can get out of the house on lots of bracing walks!

[FatimaLovesBread]

I agree, alternating would work better. We go to my parents one year and the PIL the next. Although I'm going to try change that when this DC is born and a bit older.
It's not really fair on your parents but I can understand how you'd get in to the situation your in. I can imagine when this DC arrives then MIL will want to see us for Xmas day regardless

[2rebecca]

I agree to alternating xmases between grandparents, or having every third xmas just the nuclear family if you prefer that idea. That doesn't mean you invite the inlaws when with your parents. They have each other.
If you want inlaws for birthday then be clear you are entertaining parents for xmas so they return home on the Sunday. If they moan then "we came to you last year, I have parents too"

[DeadTall]

I should say that this was the first my parents had been on their own, I have brothers who had them before, but one's now abroad & the other has no space and complex arrangements with ex wife and girlfriend... It won't happen again I'll make sure of that

[Brycie]

Having read your last post, I now feel tremendously sorry for your parents! Do what you must do

[DeadTall]

lilolil I like that idea - we always struggle to think of presents for them, that would sort 2 problems at once! will try it out on DH

[DeadTall]

exactly Fatima not good

[FatimaLovesBread]

So if you do one year here, one year there does that mean you spend every Christmas with your PIL but only every other with your parents?

[lilolilmanchester]

another thought.... given that they live a long way from you, what about if you made their Christmas present a night away somewhere near you, somewhere they wouldn't otherwise get to visit? So... they get to see somewhere different, you get a break, then they come back to you for another couple of days? In spite of all my previous comments, I DO understand.... maybe you can find some sort of compromise?

[DeadTall]

Reading through all your replies I was agreeing with each of them in turn, and I think that?s my problem! Totally feel caught between guilt/sense of responsibility/what-if? and protecting our sanity / having a fun and relaxed Christmas?.

DD birthday is 22nd, and with the way Xmas falls this year I can see PIL?s thought processes ? we don?t like travelling on a Friday as it?s too busy, so we?ll come down on the Thursday (20th) as we usually do when we come for a weekend, then go back once the Bank Holidays are over (27th)?.

PIL certainly aren?t unpleasant or cruel, in fact they?re generous and kind, which makes me feel even worse about not wanting them here! I wouldn?t want my own parents here for a week, so in a way it?s not them that?s the issue for me. DH has some issues with FIL which go way back though, so when he's frustrated/angry it affects me and I go into determinedly cheerful mode which can be exhausting (for me)!

My parents are coming for Xmas Day, they live close enough to travel back and forth on a single day, although they are getting older and more frail each year. Last year they spent Christmas by themselves and I felt awful ? we were with PIL at their house (we?ve got into the pattern of one year here, one year there). I?m going to make sure that won?t happen again, which will probably mean Christmas here again next year (no other family in a position to have them).

My parents are much more ?are you sure it?s OK to stay? sort of people, 'we don't want to put you out'. They both had years of looking after their elderly mothers' crises, which they don't want to put us through. With PIL we?ve got into the situation where they assume that it's always OK to come and see us and stay for birthdays etc, rather than waiting for an invite. The next visit is always planned before they go home from the current one, & I feel under pressure to commit when Id' rather invite them when I'm ready. So like BlueberryHill I need to work out how to get out of the routine we?ve ended up with. Girlywhirly I think oppressive is exactly the right word ? that?s how it ends up feeling in the house. We are planning to go to the panto, and have decided to do this just before or after Christmas with PIL as a distraction. I think DH & I need to have a few drinks and come up with a plan of action / approach we can agree on and stick to our guns. I don?t like the idea of lying about seeing friends etc, I?d rather do the ?too much for me to cope with? approach as it?s closer to the truth.

[ledkr]

Thanks bricey I'm far from a shrinking violet but who can be too rude to family it took us a long time to get over it and unfortunately for them has defo influenced our relationship with them

[Brycie]

Poor you ledkr. I should think it will take you a long time to forget that.

[BlackBetha]

Ask them if they want to come for the birthday or for Christmas, saying that you understand they probably won't want to do both, given the amount of travelling back and forth involved. That sets out your expectations clearly, without sounding rude (I think!).

[girlywhirly]

Well, I think they either come for the birthday or Christmas. I would suggest you organise some things to do that take you all out of the house rather than being cooped up. Are they normally helpful, would they take the DC out for a while so that you can have a break/get stuff done uninterrupted? This would make the difference for me, because if they did help and did other stuff separately from you and DH while they were staying it wouldn't seem so oppressive.

Negotiate if you have had other invitations, could they babysit for you one night? Make it so that they have to work around your commitments/arrangements.

[wordfactory]

OP it's a prenneial problem.

My PILS always want to stay for far too long. Ridiculous considering they live close (an hour and a half, two at max) and don't get along with DH.

The last time I suggested them coming on xmas day (could easily arrive by eleven am or noon) they refused to come.

[ledkr]

2 Rebecca I take it that was aimed me but what if you ask nicely several times before and durin the over stay And you are ignored in a passive aggressive manner even the midwife asked them to give me some peace and mil said she would and then didn't. Dh tried hard to get them gone but he not I felt like being any more forcefull than that after a traumatic birth and finding out our baby had a cleft and I don't see why we should have. The blame for people who ignore requests to leave rests soley with them and not the people who are too polite to be any more insistent than is comfortable. They are not just visitors they are family and so it is more difficult . I'm not a martyr because I don't want to hurt people's feelings.

[WelshMaenad]

Do you see your parents at Xmas OP?

[BlueberryHill]

I agree with Helenagrace on the birthday thing, have two birthdays, one can be a 'friends' one the other more a family one. My DS has a birthday a couple of days after Christmas and I feel a bit entertained out. I want to make is special for him, but there is now a pattern that a do a big meal for all the family. I'm planning on breaking out of it this year, just need to work it out. Careful if you set patterns of coming up for DDs birthday and Christmas. I found parents and PIL too much after a couple of days and a week is too long at Christmas. I want to veg and eat simple, easy food.

[DeWe]

I suggest they do travel back on Boxing day. We found the traffic almost non-existant then, much nicer than the 27th by which everyone's back on the roads.

[EuroShagmore]

My MIL came for a week last year. ARGH. She and my husband sniped at one another and it was tense. She was a bit freaked out by how busy Central London gets at Xmas so we couldn't think of much to do with her. So, that was one of my five precious weeks of annual leave spent like a prisoner in my own home and tense throughout. It's not fair. My parents came too, but they live in London so were just there for Xmas afternoon, which is much better. I couldn't stand my own parents for 24 hrs a day for a week!

[midseasonsale]

Just say 'we are making plans and please can you arrive on x and leave on X'

[2rebecca]

Some of you do sound a bit maryrish about doing everything for visitors and then moaning about it.
If you'd rather your visitors left then tell them "can you leave after lunch as we hace alot to get on with this afternoon for Monday"
If they normally cook for themselves at home thay should be capable of helping with preparing and clearing up food. Get them moving.
If you return after giving birth tell them that you are tired and it was lovely to see them but please can they go now. It's your house, you decide when visitors leave not them.
Be more assertive when you have visitors and you maybe won't dread them so much.

[ledkr]

My pil always totally outstay their welcome eg despite a big roast will still be sat there at 7 on a Sunday whilst we run around doing homework with dc and getting ready for school and work Monday. They are actually waiting to be fed again unfortunately this has led to us dreading their visits but they brought that on themselves. They either don't see or ignore the signals which say " you have been here since Friday we all have busy days tomorrow and its time to go"
That is why you need to be clear op my pil even overstayed the night I brought dd home from hospital we made it very clear we wanted an empty house to come home to but no they stayed till ten eating all my food!
I am on holiday at the moment with my best friend it's great but ill be glad to be home and by myself again.@

[diddl]

It´s a hard one as no one knows you all.

Why is it so stressful having them there and can anything be done about that?

Do they sit around waiting to be told what to do or do they fit in with you/get out & about?

For years we´ve had my Dad twice a year for a month eayh time-so a week doesn´t sound that long!

I can understand that they want to see her on her birthday.

But realistically, if she is having a party-will they be in the way/butting in?

Could you do it just this once or would they then always want to do it when they come to you?