to think that a parents' evening isn't the place to tell a parent that their child probably has SN?

[DowagersHump]

Yesterday went to parents' evening for DS, 5, who has just started in Y1. His teacher said that this was really to discuss how he was settling in so I said that as far as I was aware, he was fine, seemed pretty happy etc.

Then she asked me if I had any concerns about his development and I said no (because I hadn't). I said he'd been late to walk and that I know that his gross motor skills weren't brilliant but they were improving and no one has ever raised any concerns and he's been in childcare on and off since a very young age. But she kept pressing the point and eventually I asked her what she meant.

She told me that she is v concerned about his ability to follow a series of instructions (not something we tend to do at home) and talked about the 'spectrum' and 'high-functioning'. So assume she thinks he might have some kind of ASD.

At the end of the conversation she said that she was going to get the SENCO to observe him and we'd take it from there, but that she would communicate with me about progress 'by calling you over when you collect him from school'. By this point, I was fighting back tears.

AIBU to think that if you're going to tell a parent that you think their child has a learning difficulty, a parents' evening is not the place to do it?

And that having a quick chat in the playground to discuss their progress and issues is really inappropriate?

If I'd been called in to the school for a meeting with her, I would have been a bit more prepared because obviously they're not going to do that unless they have concerns.

Am thinking of contacting the HT to say I think their process is a bit crap but am I being a bit PFB?

Inclusion manager was great and not very impressed when I mentioned the CT had used the words 'spectrum' and 'high-functioning'

He is doing two programmes to support his gross (called Fizzy - not physio!) and fine motor skills development and she is going to photocopy the workplans and put them in his book bag tomorrow so that I know what he's doing.

If his core strength/motor control doesn't improve, she is going to get OT support but she feels that seeing the GP now is massively premature and there's every chance he will catch up with some additional support.

She wants to see me again in November and regularly through the rest of the year. I feel 100% better now because there is some transparency around the issues and I feel I can support and encourage him in those areas where he struggles.

As for the following instructions thing, that's something I can do with him at home too - giving him increasingly complex tasks to do without the distraction/noise of the classroom which hopefully will help him learn how to focus.

Thanks again to all of you - for the first time today, I felt on the receiving end of the collective kindness of MN and it really is very lovely indeed :)

Dowager sounds much better.

DS1's concentration improved with his motor skills because he was less distracted by his own body IYSWIM. Often children with motor skills issues can be a bit fidgety, distractable and sometimes a bit more sensitive/emotional because their body is overreacting to stimulus. Being able to concentrate better may well help with instructions.

He is massively fidgety Chas. Cannot sit still at all. Also has big issues with loud noises (hand dryers, vacuum cleaners), doesn't like showers and has eating issues.

Now I look at it all joined together, it's clear that there is an issue but because he is bright and engaged, affectionate, kind and doesn't flap his hands, I had decided he was fine because in my head I could discount asd. More likely I think is some kind of SPD or dyspraxia.

I hope with early ID and targeted support, he can learn to manage it.

You may well find that you get a much clear picture of any other needs he may have once the motor issues are worked on. DS1 had some retained reflexes (infant reflexes that usually fade early on like the startle reflex) one of which was on the outside of his foot so socks, shoes, knocking his foot on a table leg were all sending little jolts through his system making him twitchy and touchy.

It sounds like the school are very organised which is a really good thing.

Haven't read all the posts [only till end of page 1] but I think YANBU.

I also think Parent's Evening was not the place to discuss such a potentially upsetting issue for the first time.

Would have been much more sensitive to have called you in for one to one meeting with the teacher and to have given you some time and space to understand fully what was being suggested and what was being advised.

The teacher sounds as if she has only given you half of the picture and has left you with unanswered questions.

I would also be feeling upset and frustrated.

I hope you get the support and answers you need soon OP.

That sounds like a good meeting but tbh I would still go to the GP and I would still push for a referral.

Reasons: It can take months or even years to get a dx, especially if you're talking about subtle presentations like dyspraxia. It took us 18 months start to finish. That's a year and a half of our life spent in fear and worry.

The school sound fab. They may not continue to be fab. Who knows what budget cuts are round the corner for them, for eg our school ran something that sounds like your Fizzy ( at Physio!) last year - they're not running it this year because they don't have anyone to do it. If support is cut next year any child without a dx is automatically more at risk of losing their support, simply because they don't have the 'piece of paper'.

I need to go now, but if you want to think about the pros and cons of going for diagnoses there are lots of old threads on the SN board. Of course I can't tell you what to do, but as the parent of a child with a very subtle disorder I do feel relief that his 1:1 is protected by his diagnosis.

x

Thank you Wilson - that's really very helpful indeed. See you in the SN section I guess! (eek - am a bit scared but if this thread is anything to go by, I shouldn't be - everyone is very kind). x

Dowagers...

Thank your lucky stars because it sounds like you have a school intent on support rather than diagnosis...

Go with it...

My HFA son came out of school today (followed by his teacher as he can not organise himself at all!) and I was told his homework had been round his year group to set the standard for all the other children and received a headteachers award

Its taken until year 4 but he's finally getting and accepting of support... he manages at about the level of a 4-5year in some areas but the support bridges the gap and he can really, really achieve.
Think outside the box at much as you can.

Ask your relative about visual schedules - yes its for autism but we all need diaries, calenders, etc so think of it like that. Your son will be able to process them better (as all children, even neurotypical can) and they prevent you being the point of conflict to get him to do anything.

Hang on to your hat - its a long, ardeous journey but always think 'Support not label' - no one ever told me that and I learnt it the hard way.

Single parent here too - feel free to PM

HI Dw

Struggling to follow a series of instructions? Google auditory memory syndrome. My son Dx and was taught methods to deal with it. Now 14thriving at top grammar school (proud) - had a tough period whilst we were trying to suss out what the issue was. Hugs- Yanbu either xxxxxxx

That sounds very good Dowagers....my DD hatted hand dryers and grew out of it and for the record I STILL have major issues with them in addition to sirens and other noises.

I'm a teacher and was once told there should be no surprises at parents evening. Make an appointment with the head, the teacher and the SENCO. Get in touch with our local parent partnership and take it from here. Take notes at any meetings to help you process things, write dates down etc. try not to be upset and panic. There is lots of help and support out there but I certainly dont think this was the time or the place. Good luck. I have a little boy with mild cerebral palsy. We have lots of ups and downs but would I change him? Never ever ever.

I've had this before, at last years parents evening. Worst part about it is that it's done with all the teachers having desks in the main hall. So when I cried every teacher and parent present could see!

I agree with not telling parents at parents evening, just wish schools all had this policy.

Hope you are ok OP.

Thank you :)

FWIW I felt different about him today - not in a bad way, in a good way. I feel much more kindly disposed to his idiosyncrasies - if he really does struggle with some of that basic stuff, it's not very nice for me to get frustrated if he gets distracted halfway through getting dressed or irritated when he insists on having a cuddly to go to bed with or he can't sleep.

And instead of getting irritated, I should be really pleased that he's worked so hard to get dressed all on his own and he (largely) manages to do that.

DayShift - yes I know I'm really lucky in that sense but I also need to be mindful of Wilson's point about funding being taken away. The fizz programme has been developed by OTs so that teachers and TAs can deliver it and that's what he was doing with his TA during PE yesterday. But it's the next steps that he may need.

DI - thanks for that suggestion, will have a look.

I'm exhausted but feel in a much, much better place mentally to be able to support him, whatever form that takes. x

It's good that you feel like this today. I wish, looking back that I had looked into things more, instead of getting frustrated about my DC not complying in the same was as others etc etc.

Dowager
That's such a good way to look at things. When I understood why DS1 was finding things difficult I felt a bit guilty that I had not cut him some slack before. They are working so hard to do everyday things because their body isn't always cooperating with them.

Oh I do feel guilty too :o

We'll see how long my good temper and understanding lasts - I hope I don't revert to my usual 'come on, what are you doing, haven't you put your shoes on yet, stop dreaming, put that down etc etc' harpie self by next week!

I find all this public stuff in the hall awful anyway, even if they are telling you nice things. Often people are very worried and insecure about their own children, and hearing another parent being congratulated on just how brilliant their child is before they see their below average results isn't appropriate either.

I think this is different at primary age as the children aren't graded, so it's not like in secondary where you may have had a report and a mark and have some idea of where you stand. I still think the entire thing should be private though, we are always asked if there are any personal issues that the school need to be aware of, again, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to discuss these with other parents pretending not to listen.

OP, YANBU, but if possible, I wouldn't let the way you heard cloud what happens next, in terms of getting good information and meeting the inclusion person. You can always gently say that you didn't appreciate the way you heard, nor do you think it follows best practice at another date perhaps when you have adjusted a little yourself.

I have mixed feelings about this. I think in the OP's case it was not handled well, and certain,y the teacher should not have been talking in terms of high functioning and spectrum etc.

On the other hand it was a teacher who out me on the right track with DS who has autism, ADHD and dyspraxia. However, she merely said that he did not read facial expressions well and that he hid under the desk if he heard certain noises. I had no major worries about him but knew his development was odd and that school were struggling.

Having read through I can see you've made some inroads....I can so relate to the "hurry up and get your shoes on" stuff...DS is a dilly daydream!

I'm sorry you had a rough evening and that the teacher's concerns were a surprise. I think a parents' eve is exactly the forum for this kind of conversation, although I don't think the teacher should have mentioned specifics. I think the teacher should have raised some concerns and asked if it was ok with you for the SENCo to observe, and tell you that you and the teacher and the SENCo would then have a further meeting.

So, IMO, YABU that it was the wrong forum, but YANBU that she shouldn't have phrased it like that. (Oh, so many abbreviations....) I hope you son gets whatever help he needs :)

I've just spoken to another friend and she told her DH that their son was 'very slow' and may have autism. First they'd heard of it. Plus she complained to him that she has now got 31 children in the class and it's too much for her.

What with all these horrible hopeless boys who've come up from reception and all

Good God!
Why did she ever think teaching was the right choice for her?

I don't know. I don't think she's very keen on children. Or their parents for that matter

YANBU if it wasn't a private room a hall is no place to discuss things like that.

She was right to flag her concern and tell you what she would be doing to help, but she should never, ever, have made a specific diagnosis!