to think that a parents' evening isn't the place to tell a parent that their child probably has SN?

[DowagersHump]

Yesterday went to parents' evening for DS, 5, who has just started in Y1. His teacher said that this was really to discuss how he was settling in so I said that as far as I was aware, he was fine, seemed pretty happy etc.

Then she asked me if I had any concerns about his development and I said no (because I hadn't). I said he'd been late to walk and that I know that his gross motor skills weren't brilliant but they were improving and no one has ever raised any concerns and he's been in childcare on and off since a very young age. But she kept pressing the point and eventually I asked her what she meant.

She told me that she is v concerned about his ability to follow a series of instructions (not something we tend to do at home) and talked about the 'spectrum' and 'high-functioning'. So assume she thinks he might have some kind of ASD.

At the end of the conversation she said that she was going to get the SENCO to observe him and we'd take it from there, but that she would communicate with me about progress 'by calling you over when you collect him from school'. By this point, I was fighting back tears.

AIBU to think that if you're going to tell a parent that you think their child has a learning difficulty, a parents' evening is not the place to do it?

And that having a quick chat in the playground to discuss their progress and issues is really inappropriate?

If I'd been called in to the school for a meeting with her, I would have been a bit more prepared because obviously they're not going to do that unless they have concerns.

Am thinking of contacting the HT to say I think their process is a bit crap but am I being a bit PFB?

At our school, I wouldn't be shocked to hear anything at a parents evening because any concerns would be brought up during the course of the year. Parents evening is just to update on where they are and what they've been doing. Appointments are only 15 minutes so not enough time to bring up anything serious like that.

When school brought up dyspraxia and dyslexia with my DD2, they rang and asked me to go in for a private chat.

We do have a quick handover in the morning and afternoon, I tell the teacher anything I think she needs to know, she tells me anything I need to know at pick up. Anything serious, she asks me to make an appointment or stay back until everyone has gone

re-reading the OP, it is she who assumed the teacher was talking ASD...

YANBU - such a public place is not appropriate to discuss this especially as you had no idea and it came as a horrible shock. Don't worry too much though - teachers see SEN everywhere these days. You can't be 'a bit rubbish at maths' or 'a bit clumsy' anymore. There has to be some medical diagnosis.

Thanks for the hug Wilson, much appreciated :)

I've been awake most of the night crying. I've spoken to my best friend and my mum and neither of them have noticed anything out of the ordinary about him. My nephew has asperger's so I do have a reasonable idea of some of the characteristics and they are very different in many ways.

I will ask for this to be moved to SN - that's a good idea, thanks to people who suggested it.

The sort of instructions they mean are multi part ones, eg take your coat off then put it on its peg, pick up the toy then take it to your room and put it on the shelf. It's very easy to keep just issuing instructions one part at a time at home but they need to be able to cope with multi part instructions, and it does seem to be a standard technique for alerting to the possiibility of SNs.

This news would have hurt however it was delivered. Try and grasp the positives, it is good that school have been observing your child this well. There are so many tales of parents with concerns being brushed off by schools. If he does turn out to have SNs, the more help he gets and the sooner the better. If he doesn't, no harm will have been done. If he does have SNs your relationship with the school will be very important, making a complaint to the head about this may not help. I didn't have the same experience as I was well aware of DS's SNs becore he started school, but I think being called in for a special meeting would have been far worse than hearing it at parents eve.

I don't think yabu

They should have rang you to make an appointment not dropped it on you in the middle of parents evening when you've had no warning there could be a problem.

As for why should they have to make an extra appointment for you to go in, what? A teacher shouldn't bother to put themselves out for an hour when telling a parent their child may have sn.

I think it's unprofessional and insensitive tbh

It doesn't really matter how the concerns have been raised, what is done is done. By all means talk to the HT and explain you would have preferred to have been called in to school for a private meeting but please don't let that become a huge issue - if the school have picked something up then you should be glad they are being proactive - many parents end up having to battle with teachers who refuse to accept a child has difficulties even with professional reports to confirm it. As for being kept informed tell them you want a meeting behind closed doors and not a chat in the playground which is not acceptable.

It has obvoiusly come as a real shock to you, the main thing now is to focus on following up on what the teacher thinks and making sure your child gets any additional help they may need.

I feel really sorry for you because it was out of the blue for you and left you feeling shocked.

However, I can also see why the teacher did it, she no doubt saw it as an opportunity to talk with you.

Everyone has a different preference for communication and it may be that you let her know how you felt and that you would prefer a phonecall or an email in future. (I'm thinking that if your ds does need more help, you will need to have a way to maintain a good relationship with the school.)

About the following instructions thing, children of about 5 are expected to be able to grasp a 3-tiered instruction, e.g. run to the tunnel and crawl through it.
For various reasons some children will not be able to do this, maybe audio perception or any number of other reasons.
So I do think it is positive that the teacher has picked this up and that your son can be assessed and, if neccessary, helped. But I do feel for you getting a shock like this in quite a public place.

Do try to trust the teacher again, you might feel a bit better in a few days.

Having been involved in writing the guidelines for this some years ago, your teacher was rude and unprofessional. The guidelines state that if concerns are to be raised with parents, they are to be with headteacher and classteacher in a secure and private environment. They specifically state that a parent should not be informed at a parents evening and that should a parent request a seperate meeting rather than open parents evening because child already has a diagnosis, then the above guidelines should be followed.

I agree with alpha pbite a lot of Young children find it difficult to follow instructions, he is only 5. F this is the only problem, des not have any other concerns than this is not enough to warrant autism. My dd fnds it difficult to follow instructions, she also has social communication difficulty, rdgd and repetitive behaviours and speech and language delay as well

YANBU. It sounds like your parents evening is the same sort of set up as ours.

As I waited for my appointment, I had to make a conscious effort not to hear what was being said by the teacher to other parents (because I respect their privacy and don't actually want to know this sort of stuff about other people's children). I would definitely have been aware of another parent in tears.

Personally, if I was hearing that my child may have SN, I would want to be able to focus on what the teacher was saying - not be trying to hold it together in order to keep up appearances in front of a room full of strangers.

I was going to say YABU, but on hearing that you were in a hall with others and not in private then I definitely don't think you are unreasonable to be upset.

Not saying it is not sn but could be, nt ecessarily autism

Dowager I'm sorry you were caught unawares...nobody wants to hear that their child has possible SN. Remember that there are MANY issues that could be signalled by your DS's issues and that the teacher should not be talking about "Spectrum" etc as she's not trained to recognise these things is she?

I hope you feel better soon...your DS is your DS...the same child as he was last week and won't be any less if he DOES have some SN. {hugs}

I don't think they can get it right whenever they say it to be honest. I had a similar convo at our parents evening about dd only it was me bringing it up as I already have a child with ASD and am noticing similarities with dd, which the teacher agreed with. I think they are very much trained to try and guide you into seeing that there may be cause for concern rather than dropping the bombshell, this has certainly been my experience and I think it sounds like she handled it the right way.

It's never going to be something you want to hear is it? Honestly chin up, first hearing it is horrendous and such a shock I know, maybe have a look at the SN board to see how NOT alone you are?

I also agree that he is still very young and if you've not noticed anything that's a good sign. Spectrum issues are often picked up by a parent feeling something's "Not quite right" very early on.

Im a primary school teacher. I think YANBU, your right in that sensitive news should always be done privately. You get such a short time to speak to parents on parents evening so I speak to families beforehand if I feel there are any issues including SN and behaviour problems.

In my experience waiting till parents evening to discuss issues is not only too late in the term its also a sure fire way to make sure all of your appointments go over there allotted time. (Which is so annoying for parents, especially if they have several appointments to attend in the evening for siblings.)

Thank you Dawndonna - that was my understanding of how the process should work.

Obviously it's not going to be welcome news however it's told but DS has been at the school for over a year, his teacher last year didn't ever raise any concerns and he got a good final report.

This is the first time I've ever spoken to his teacher too which probably didn't help.

I am of course very pleased that they are so on the ball and that he will hopefully get the support he needs at an early age.

DameMargot - 'high functioning' and 'spectrum' generally refer to ASD - well that is my understanding anyway.

When the teachers have had concerns about my DSs they have called me in before school. Both boys are quite possibly dyslexic and DS1 had gross motor skills issues and DS2 speech issues.

BTW we saw an Occupational Therapist for the Motor Skills issues and it made a huge difference. DS1 said at the end "now my legs do what I tell them" .

Issues around following instructions could range from age, day dreaming, hearing, dyslexia, dyspraxia, ADD, ADHD, ASD. I wouldn't leap to any conclusions.

I was surprised that DS2 seemed a bit clumsy until we got his eyes tested and found he needed glasses.

At least the school is doing something and I would grab all support offered if it is decided that help is needed because interventions at a young age can make a big difference.

I don't think it's helpful to say that teachers see it everywhere to be honest. I do think they would not raise it unless they were concerned. Everyone telling me there was nothing to worry about just made me reluctant to seek help and things dragged on for longer than they should have which in the end was much more stressful.

ASD is very scary because generally there is low awareness but its no different from any other SN. If your child was struggling to see you'd get them some glasses, you are just helping them to communicate better, because they need help with it.

come on over to the SB section, OP

the kettle's on

Yes Mrs I always knew when dd was a baby something was not right. When it was her 1 birthday and we sang happy birthday and bew out the candles she became hysterical and had a mahooosive meltdown. I though eh oh tats not right. I did the happy birthday thing with ds 9 months and he was smiling an giggling. So different to ddd, this only confirms dd sn really

SB? fuck no

SN

I thought this was what Parents Evening was for! Talking about your child, discussing the good stuff, the bad stuff and deciding where to go next. Although I agree it should be done in private, DS school does Parents Evening in their classrooms not the hall.

As a parent who had to repeatedly flag up the same issues and fight to get DS some basic help and have his difficulties recognised, I would really appreciate a teacher that had a) taken enough notice to spot difficulties and b) was willing to do something to help.

Let go of worrying about labels and diagnosis. It's about meeting the needs of the indiviual child, through observation and planning.

What the SENCO will probably do is observe, then agree on some targets with you and the teacher. This is often called an IEP (Individual Education Plan). It's an A4 piece of paper, with each target, how they will help the child achieve it and a tick box for when it has been achieved.

They should be very simple and achievable. For example, DS's targets are to form the letters 'e' and 'g' correctly, to read 'b' and 'd' correctly and a short list of sight words.

I hope that makes it sound less scary.

I was clueless piglet, completely clueless, I felt like I had been punched when they raised concerns at nursery. Knowing what I know now the markers were there all along. I had concerns with dd but it didn't seem to be affecting her massively till she started school properly so I have brought it up to them and started the assessment process myself. It all seems straightforward now but I was stumbling in the dark with ds. I have the SN board to thank for making me able to negotiate it. It's an amazing resource over there.