to think that a parents' evening isn't the place to tell a parent that their child probably has SN?

[DowagersHump]

Yesterday went to parents' evening for DS, 5, who has just started in Y1. His teacher said that this was really to discuss how he was settling in so I said that as far as I was aware, he was fine, seemed pretty happy etc.

Then she asked me if I had any concerns about his development and I said no (because I hadn't). I said he'd been late to walk and that I know that his gross motor skills weren't brilliant but they were improving and no one has ever raised any concerns and he's been in childcare on and off since a very young age. But she kept pressing the point and eventually I asked her what she meant.

She told me that she is v concerned about his ability to follow a series of instructions (not something we tend to do at home) and talked about the 'spectrum' and 'high-functioning'. So assume she thinks he might have some kind of ASD.

At the end of the conversation she said that she was going to get the SENCO to observe him and we'd take it from there, but that she would communicate with me about progress 'by calling you over when you collect him from school'. By this point, I was fighting back tears.

AIBU to think that if you're going to tell a parent that you think their child has a learning difficulty, a parents' evening is not the place to do it?

And that having a quick chat in the playground to discuss their progress and issues is really inappropriate?

If I'd been called in to the school for a meeting with her, I would have been a bit more prepared because obviously they're not going to do that unless they have concerns.

Am thinking of contacting the HT to say I think their process is a bit crap but am I being a bit PFB?

When their were concerns about dd it was brought up in a separate meeting at nursery with the HT (senco) and dd teacher ( she was at a school nursery) it was done all very private and cinfidential

Akae I was like fingers in my ears and lalala. When I did a pet about dd and possible ASD a few years back. Described her symptoms some posters suggested possible ASD I thought whaaaaat! Nonono their wrong. But as dd got older the differences between her and her peers got so apparent I could n gnore it

Sn board s great isent it

Meant post on sn bard not pet doh

That's exactly how I feel akaemma and I like the analogy re glasses.

WantAnOrange - that's very helpful, thx

A parents' evening doesn't give you any time at all to discuss something so serious. IMO it was irresponsible to bring it up then. It doesn't do anyone any good as it's not enough time, leaves the parent anxious about his/her ignorance, and the teacher may get a confused child the next day.

I was aware that DS was different from his peers well before the age of two, but this was only because I was part of a group of ante-natal class friends who used to meet every week with the children, so I started the ball rolling myself at age 2. He got a formal diagnosis at age 7 and it still felt like a punch in the stomach, so I can see how very upsetting this must be. It doesn't change anything about the person they are though, still the same child that you know and love.

Sorry, feels a bit as if you are " shooting the messanger" and are focussing on the wrong thing ( the way you were told) rather than focussing on what you were told.

When I was told DS mght have SEN, I was glad that the teacher was on the ball, and planning a strategy. It is great really, if they spot something like that early an dget the support in place.

It is not the end of the world. All kids are different, they all have their own challenges, and the more helpful the school is the better.

how very upsetting for you, you really have my empathy

however I do tend to agree with others that it was the message, more than the setting that upset you

Hugs xxxx

Just wanted to say I feel for you. I would not have wanted to receive such information in a parent's evening.

However, I agree with others that it's best to focus on the fact that the teachers seem to be very switched on which can only be good thing for your son. I would also second a hearing test to eliminate glue ear from the equation. My DS has glue ear and was slightly slower to sit/walk and when he did his balance wasn't great. He had grommets fitted six weeks ago and can now follow instructions far better than before and his balance is much improved also.

Hope all goes well for you.

(I might be flamed for this suggestion, but I wouldn't do any reading until there's a diagnosis if I were you - DH went down that road once and scared himself witless for no good reason as DS turned out not to be suffering from that condition anyway)

Saying the parents evening was fine because there is never a good time to discuss potential bad news is ridiculous. It should have been done more privately and a handover at the end of the day when other parents will be listening - we all know there is always one who wants to know everyone ele business - is not on either.

Comely it was me that said to read and you're right, I scared myself shiteless when I did random googling. OP, that's a very good point, stick to the NAS and links from there, don't just randomly google stuff. Particularly for ASD 'type' disorders there are a lot of people out there who are a) a bit woo and b) after your money for miracle 'cures'. A post on the SN boards will keep you straight on reliable sources.

Thanks Comely. I had totally forgotten being in that situation and weeping over the laptop

YANBU

Preschool raised some concerns with me about DS1 last year - they were worried that he had trouble focusing on things when there were a lot of people about, and often lost interest and just ran off.

They had the SENCO observe him and came up with some strategies to help him. Also transpires that he is short-sighted, so if he was sat at the back he literally couldn't see and so would disengage and run off.

His key worker raised this with me privately at the end of one day when all the other parents had gone. I was upset, and I was grateful that no-one had seen me like that.

I think parents evening would have been fine if it had been private.

Giving you this kind of news in a public space is totally insensitive.

YANBU.

((((((hugs))))))

YANBU.

My ds has SN. It was suggested by his teacher at the Christmas Party there was a problem-i was totally unprepared&devastated.

There are guide lines, as pointed out in an earlier post, for approaching parents about such matters. All teachers should be aware of this.

I would contact the SENCO to see what the next step is&discuss the issues that are causing concern.

Its never easy to hear there might be an issue with your child.

Take care...

I think the teacher was ok to say that she is going to get some observations done by the SENCO at parents evening, but if she actually said she things your dc does have sen, then I think that is a bit much. You just don't have the time or the privacy to discuss these things properly at parents evening.

If she had been more gentle about what she said, then it would have been better.

Sometimes teachers are damned if they do and damned if they don't! When my ds was assessed for Aspergers, I had to make an appointment myself with the head, and practically the second I was in the door she was filling in the forms required to get him tested. She was obviously very much of the opinion that it needed to be done, and I left thinking that if they had such strong concerns, then why hadn't they mentioned it before! After all, I had been to plenty of parents evenings where they could have mentioned it! Instead, I was doubting myself and knowing there was a problem but assuming that the school would have told me if they had thought it was a big deal.

These things are never easy.

Perhaps she wanted to tell you when both parents were likely to be together?

I am on the fence. Suspect teacher was still crystalising her thoughts about what her concerns were but needed to talk to you first.

I suppose the main thing is that the teacher didn't realise how upset it would make you feel and for that reason alone better if she had raised her concerns more privately. I would let the school know as much. Are you easy to get hold of, otherwise?

I think different skills are needed at different points in school, which is why he got thru last year okay but now issues are manifesting themselves.

There's nothing to be ashamed about with this news, maybe that's why she didn't think you needed the most private environment to hear her thoughts. But I appreciate how it was a shock.

I think you are in shock, and are therefore being a bit U.

I have a ds with ASD and have seen so many other children with similar symptoms whose parents seem unaware, partly no doubt because the school hasn't flagged up their concerns. You are lucky to have a teacher who has taken the trouble to point out this issue. Lots of teachers don't bother, partly because they worry they may get a reaction like yours, blaming the messenger.

Go to your GP. Ask for a referral for a diagnosis. only then can you take this forward.

I am usually very easy to get hold of lljkk - the school are always texting me and they have my email address as well as my home phone number.

I also found out last night that he is having physio which I wasn't aware of before. As far as I know, the only special help he's had up until now is extra maths because he's so good at it!

I will give the senco a ring in a bit. I do take the very valid point that a number of people have raised that I don't want to piss the teacher off because working in partnership with her and the school is going to be key. However, if there is official guidance on how to approach parents with this kind of information and the school (or this particular teacher) are not following the guidelines, I think that's worth raising.

DS isn't aware that anything is different today from how things were yesterday - managed to hold myself together until he was in bed and am wearing a lot of make up today to disguise my baggy eyes.

At the Christmas Party Shelly?
Dear Lord

Hi I tend to agree that it wasn't the best scenario to hit you with it but, IMO, you should let that go for now. Ask for a meeting with the senco and teacher and take it from there. I was in your shoes this time last year and I felt it wasn't handled in the greatest way and it probably sent me deeper into denial for a bit. But, with hindsight, I think I was probably let down in the early years setting, no one ever came right out and said ASD although there were issues. I think school took one look at him in nursery and thought right, as soon as she walks through the door in September we'll take immediate action. Which they did and sent me reeling. But, he has amazing support now and although we are not at a diagnosis yet, that doesn't seem to matter so much as we are doing our own research and putting things into place to help. If you feel like he is in a good school and they want to help, let it go. I have a personal rule to not complain to the HT unless it is something major, sonI will be taken seriously. BTW, I cried or months and months, still do sometimes, it's taken me a year to sound so 'together'.

YADNBU

And anyone who says you are probably havent been in your shoes.

I have and it was utterly shit of the school - I knew there had been problems with behaviour and infact I had booked an appointment with the head 6 weeks before to discuss them. I had been told that 'lots of kids do it' and it was all jolly, jolly don't worry...

Next thing, at a parents evening I am being told 'Well perhaps we need to refer him on'

Ofcourse after devastating me they then did nothing and then said when I mentioned it a month later 'Oh he's a bit better this week so lets leave it'

Completely and utterly unprofessional. Teachers and schools will do this and unfortunately as parents we have to walk a fine line as the working relationship is so vital.

Its shit behaviour though and you are not over-reacting in being so shocked and upset. Especially having a relative with Aspergers then you will understand the potential consequences of such a diagnosis.

My son went on to be diagnosed ASD but that does not mean yours will. Let them observe him, inform yourself and try to put it to the back of your mind. If he needs support with things at school that should happen regardless of whether he has a diagnosis or not.

Huge hugs - be kind to yourself x

I would say parents evening is definitely where it should be brought up. DD1's reception teacher first voiced her concerns at parents evening, and her year 3 teacher asked us if we thought she might be on the spectrum (we had suspicions) and referred her to be assessed. She's now diagnosed with ASD. But our parents evenings are carried in a private one to one environment, in the setting you describe it don't think it's appropriate no. So YANBU.

What they are giving him physio. They should have informed you of that

You should have been asked for permission for physio. What is it for and why?