to think that a parents' evening isn't the place to tell a parent that their child probably has SN?

[DowagersHump]

Yesterday went to parents' evening for DS, 5, who has just started in Y1. His teacher said that this was really to discuss how he was settling in so I said that as far as I was aware, he was fine, seemed pretty happy etc.

Then she asked me if I had any concerns about his development and I said no (because I hadn't). I said he'd been late to walk and that I know that his gross motor skills weren't brilliant but they were improving and no one has ever raised any concerns and he's been in childcare on and off since a very young age. But she kept pressing the point and eventually I asked her what she meant.

She told me that she is v concerned about his ability to follow a series of instructions (not something we tend to do at home) and talked about the 'spectrum' and 'high-functioning'. So assume she thinks he might have some kind of ASD.

At the end of the conversation she said that she was going to get the SENCO to observe him and we'd take it from there, but that she would communicate with me about progress 'by calling you over when you collect him from school'. By this point, I was fighting back tears.

AIBU to think that if you're going to tell a parent that you think their child has a learning difficulty, a parents' evening is not the place to do it?

And that having a quick chat in the playground to discuss their progress and issues is really inappropriate?

If I'd been called in to the school for a meeting with her, I would have been a bit more prepared because obviously they're not going to do that unless they have concerns.

Am thinking of contacting the HT to say I think their process is a bit crap but am I being a bit PFB?

Yanbu at all.

I don't know what the physio is - it's the first I heard of it.

TBH, by the time the teacher said that, I was at the nodding stage because I was just a bit gobsmacked by the conversation.

He told me that during PE yesterday he got to play a game with the TA instead of joining in with the other children. Is that the physio?

Thank you all so much - this is massively helpful and it's very reassuring to know that I'm not the only one to have been taken by surprise. I feel very alone right now with all this :(

That's not physio, no, that's the TA supporting in PE. So my next question is 'why is the TA supporting in PE?'. Which you won't know the answer to.

Right.

Step 1
Step 2 phone the school and get an appointment with the HT and Senco as well as CT if poss (but don't wait for the CT iyswim) and find out exactly what is going on. What support are they giving him, why, what happens next.
Step 3 Take that info and go to GP and request a referral to a developmental peadiatrician. (sp!)

x

Aww dowager they did go about it the totally wrong way. If there were concerns they should have raised them with you in private earlier, and should have informed you of any nterventions

Thank you so much Wilson - that's really helpful xxx

I am on my 3rd of the morning - I might get some matchsticks to prop my eyes open with.

Right, I am going to make myself another and pick up the phone. Of course we are on half term next week so I'm going to have to stew about this for a bit (and Friday is an inset day) but I think I'll feel better if I'm doing something.

Actually you've all made me feel better already :)

I think the op was treated disgracefully. A discussion like that required a private meeting. Parents evening should not involve something so unexpected as this.

Being told such information out of the blue where potentially other parents can over hear it is a breach in confidentiality.

Do any of you have a clue how emotionally hard it is to hear such news when you're not expecting it and having to compose yourself because you don't want to make a scene in front of other parents, and having your heard spinning with things but don't want to say anything or too much because the meeting isn't in a private place? It's absolutely awful.

Sorry you had to go through this op. I hope you and your ds will be okay.

I personally think it's a perfectly acceptable time to raise the issue - it's what parents evening is for. I had precisely the same conversation with my ds2's teacher last night and didn't find it at all inappropriate. She thinks he may have Asperger's Syndrome and/or dyspraxia and has been gathering evidence for a few weeks to take to the welfare wotsit person in the school and suggested I speak to my GP to get the referral ball rolling.

Yes the whole thing blindsided me a little, but I'd rather have had the conversation at parents evening than be summoned to the school for a special meeting about it. I appreciate that you feel differently about it though so I'm reluctant to say YABU!

I'm with the people who say parents evening is the right place but not when it isn't private. It seems a bit wrong to me that they use the hall, our school uses ths classrooms and any accompanying children play in a spare classroom or library.

Maybe you could raise this later on OP as a suggestion, but at the moment you do need to prioritise the plans for your DS. One other suggestion om me, if you can take someone else to your meetings for example DH/DP it is a good idea to do so, as it can all be a bit overwhelming and confusing, also make notes of what is said, for the same reason. Don't be afraid to ask lots of questions.

I would have been perfectly happy to have been told yesterday if it had been private.

I am a single parent so have no one else to take with me to meetings but I will write things down in advance and take notes while I'm there.

Right - I'm going to finish my coffee and call the school. Fingers crossed

have left a voicemail for the inclusion leader - I assume that's the same as senco is it?

the inclusion leader is a very good contact to have and keep on your side, OP

DD has just moved school (MS) and it's been the inclusion manager who has engineered all of DDs settling in strategies, ready to hand over to the SENCO.

good luck

If it wasn't private - as in you were not the only person in the room with the teacher - then you are not being unreasonable. You may well have preferred to take OH along for moral support and could have done so with notice.
It happened to me at Parents Evening 13 years ago (but only me and teacher in the room) and I also left fighting back tears. Other posters are being royally unsympathetic. It turned out ok in my case, 5 year olds have a lot of developing still to do but best to get extra help if they would benefit from it. Best wishes.

"Do any of you have a clue how emotionally hard it is to hear such news when you're not expecting it and having to compose yourself because you don't want to make a scene in front of other parents, and having your heard spinning with things but don't want to say anything or too much because the meeting isn't in a private place? It's absolutely awful."

Well, yes, journey many of us do if you read the thread.

Personally I was told in a room full of children, actually in the nursery by the nursery teacher and a Developmental Paediatrician that had come into to take a look at him. To be honest it didn't really concern me where I was told, though I am not saying that it shouldnt concern someone who is experiencing this. I was just so winded by the news in the first place. As many of us have said we were totally clueless that there was any kind of issue at all.

OP, I too am a single parent. Please do PM me if you want to have a chat. I have just come out of the process only to have to begin it again for dd so it is all very fresh in my mind. Tbh being a single parent was easier for me as ex was so difficult about the whole thing it was better that I only had myself to worry about and didn't have to run it by someone else who wasn't being very supportive anyway.

I was going to say Yabu, as I assumed you would have been in private, but as you were in a hall with other prents close by then Yanbu. Our parents/teacher interviews are always done in the classroom in privacy, which is exactly as it should be. Dd1 has AS and has toileting issues, which we wouldn't want to discussin front of all and sundry. I was very annoyed when a teacher once questioned me about her issues, when other parents were very close by and could hear us. She could have called us into her office.

I suppose it's not the teacher's fault that the school does their parents' evenings in this way, but it would have been better for her to arrange to have a word in private. I don't think it's unreasonable fo her to have a quick word about his progress in the playground though, it's possible for this to be done discreetly.

I do symapthise as exactly the same thing happened at a parents evening when mine was 6 so in year 2. The teacher had the same concerns about following instruction and I still wonder what she was getting at. I was on my own being a single parent and came away crying. I told family and they suggested I ignored the teacher but tbh I found DD lovely but quite difficult to control when she was little.

It's a long time ago now (DD is grown up) but I do think that the teacher should have followed it up with me which she didn't. I do look back and think it would have been beneficial to have had a second opinion and advice on coping stratagies.

I muddled through it all.

Ah I missed the part about it not being private (must read threads more thoroughly in future!), in which case I completely understand why it bothered you.

Lljkk, you think the teacher may not have realised op would be upset? I would have thought it pretty obvious if you tell a parent, completely out of the blue, that their child may have autism, that it's going to be a bit of a shock and they may be upset. And of course, it isn't something to be ashamed of, but would you really want to be told this in front of other parents, who may start gossiping about it?

Thank you all for your posts - they have really helped me see things in the round a bit more.

I'm meeting the Inclusion Leader just before the end of school today. She said on the phone that it was 'nothing to worry about' which is a really big weight off my mind :)

Will report back

YANBU our school sometimes has these everyone in a hall parents evenings and it is not appropriate in that setting. Just to add to the whirling in your head, dd2, whom both dh and I feel does have some Aspergers traits, though nowhere near enough to even get an assessment (dh can assess for ASD). Some aspects of social interactions she finds difficult, but in other areas (e.g. Imagination) she excels in.

Anyway one day after school her reception teacher asked to meet and she raised the issue that dd2 seemed to have 'difficulty following instructions' and cited a couple of examples. When I discussed this with dd2 she announced that she had realised that the 'naughty' children would get rewards when they then did something good, and that as she was usually good but hadn't had many rewards and one in particular (this is something that I was aware of too and had already raised with the teacher) that she had decided that the best way to get it would be to be naughty for a while and then be good so that then she would get the rewards just as the naughty children did. Just an illustration to show that there can be many explainations for the same behaviour. Hope you get to the bottom of it, and if it is something which only seems apparent at school it may well be something to do with that context rather than a more generalised issue.

I think you need to raise this by email with the head and teacher. Should have been a meeting before parents evening. Explain you felt close to teas as this is the first you have heard.

In a very former life I was a primary school teacher. One of the lessons I remember most clearly was about Parents' Evening, the mantra was that nothing should surprise the parent at this discussion, it should always be mapped out ahead of time.
^^ This.
It is very true. And I have been in a Parents' evening where the discussion I was having with the CT was repeated back to my DC's friend, who told her all about it the next day! Luckily the school has re-thought hwo it operates the Parents' evenings now.

So sorry you were shocked OP, but it is just a flagging-up and it may mean that your DC just needs a little more concentration and organisation, rather than anything too serious. At least they're on board and willing to help with whatever may be needed.

YANBU. It sounds like your parents evening was pretty public and this is what was not appropriate. Likewise being updated on the school playground - not appropriate. It is upsetting to be told your child might have difficulties and it should be done in private. A more private parents evening would have been better.