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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what is the point of 'renewing your vows'?

76 replies

dolcelatte · 20/10/2012 08:08

I recently went to see Hope Springs - Meryl Streep excellent as ever (although I now see her as Margaret Thatcher which distracted me slightly!) but the film was touching, poignant and well acted. However, I thought the ending was a bit contrived, albeit provided a 'feel good' factor when the middle aged couple reconnnected with each other and renewed their vows.

Nevertheless, given that the vows are 'until death us do part' and/or otherwise intended to be on a permanent basis, it does seem to me to be somewhat illogical to 'renew' them, in the way you would renew say a car or a washing machine.

Has anyone done this and, if so, why - for example had you broken your vows or did you just feel that you wanted to make a duplicate public (or private) gesture of commitment?

OP posts:

FolkGhoul · 20/10/2012 08:10

I don't know. It's not something I would be bothered doing but I know my husband probably would.

He said it's about showing that you're still together because you want to be and reminding yourselves of why that is, rather than just still being together because neither of you has a big enough motivation to leave!

Sparklingbrook · 20/10/2012 08:13

Self indulgence and showing off that you are still together. Then getting some more presents.

Katienana · 20/10/2012 08:14

It's an excuse for a party. I guess it would be nice if something bad had happened like an affai, the renewal would be abway.of moving forward.
My grandparents did.it in a church service for their 50th anniversary, still have the mass booklet.

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 20/10/2012 08:16

Smacks of self indulgence to me.
I would not attend one if invited.
I know someone who did it, and they divorced the following year

diddl · 20/10/2012 08:17

It´s something I´d thought about for when we get to 25yrs.

But if we did it would just be us & our children.

Doubt either of us will get around to arranging anything, though.

nooka · 20/10/2012 08:34

dh wants to do this. I was very touched when he suggested it. We've had some serious issues over the past few years and come through them stronger and like the idea of inviting a group of our friends to a beautiful place and really just being a bit soppy To me it's an opportunity to say how much you love and appreciate your partner with a few witnesses perhaps (might just be us for that bit). Plus an excuse for a party (no interest in presents though).

I guess also for us our wedding was totally organised by my parents (and stressful with it) and I like the idea of having a ceremony of sorts just the way we choose. I don't know if we'll actually get around to it mind!

I don't love my car or washing machine, and buy new ones quite regularly so I'm not sure it's the best analogy really.

Diarydilemmas · 20/10/2012 08:41

I went to a renewal of wedding vows recently.

I know I need to word this carefully to avoid flaming for ignorance...the groom is a transvestite. His wife, my friend, wanted to acknowledge that part of his life. He has another name he uses when he is dressed as a woman. Their renewal was done with them both dressed in bridal gowns and they exchanged items of jewellery as a symbol of acceptance and commitment to their ongoing relationship.

Obviously this is a very unusual situation.

I think any renewal of vows is a lovely sentiment. I've been to a few and have never felt the need to take anything other than a card. It's certainly not been done for the sake of getting presents in my experience.

JeezyOrangePips · 20/10/2012 08:45

The only wedding vow renewals I'm aware of locally is when the couple have come out the other side of a difficult time. I think it's quite sweet.

I'm not so keen on the renewing every year think that Heidi klum and seal did, before they split.

sassytheFIRST · 20/10/2012 08:48

My parents renewed theirs as my mum was dying. Just us children and the vicar who came to the house as mum was so poorly.

For them it was a chance to restate their utter love and commitment, and a little joy in the midst of a very hard time for us all.

WarmFuzzyFun · 20/10/2012 08:53

Sassy, that has made me cry, what a beautiful thing to do.

HippieHop · 20/10/2012 08:59

I do think it's a lovely thing to do- relationships/people can change so much over time I think it can be nice to reflect and celebrate your marriage in this way. I personally would want it to be a more private and personal affair, but I had a small wedding originally.

HippieHop · 20/10/2012 09:01

Sassy, how special for your parents and for you to see them do this x

VolumeOfACone · 20/10/2012 09:06

If you've been through a hard time, and perhaps split, it's a nice idea I think.

VolumeOfACone · 20/10/2012 09:07

Wait, I meant perhaps come close to splitting up.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 20/10/2012 09:17

You don't "renew" vows you "reafirm" - vows do not expire.

EdgarAllanPond · 20/10/2012 09:20

i think it's a great idea. i'd love to do it to have a big party i can really enjoy instead of having a pobby 1 yo baby and being 4 months pg like i was for my wedding.

and this time i'd be having a dress made for me too.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 20/10/2012 09:30

I went to a family one a couple of years ago, the couple had come through a hard time in the last few years (child very seriously injured, unemployment) and also had realised that the extended family meant a lot to them but had all drifted apart over the years (we live all over the country). It was lovely. No presents, no dressing up, the "bride" wore jeans.

Sparklingbrook · 20/10/2012 09:32

Initially I had envisaged pointless renewing after 10 years type thing. Obviously if there has been a life changing event then that is different-it actually means something.

TomsBentPinky · 20/10/2012 09:36

Id like to do this as i had a big awful completly shite wedding that I cringe at the memory of ... but love my DH and would like a day i think back on with fondness. a very quiet, personal day.

Doubt we will get round to it but DH wouls like it too.

mutny · 20/10/2012 10:01

We are renewing next year. A few years ago we split up. We got back together and have another dc and feel the need yo recommit. Its like a different marriage.
Before the split we were arguing alot and generally unhappy. We were going to get divorced but realised we did live each other and just let all the crap get in the way.
We had some counselling and have worked hard and are he genuinely happy. Its almost like I am married to someone different.
We are going abroad with just dc and no one else even knows we have planned it. Its for us, just us. No one else.
I don't really get why someone would be bothered about a couple doing something for themselves.

Original poster

dolcelatte · 20/10/2012 16:49

I have nothing against 'renewing'/reaffirming vows and I can see why some would do it, especially if they had been through a rough patch.

OP posts:

Gimblinginthewabe · 20/10/2012 16:52

I'd like to have one because we had a small wedding, when we reach a major milestone anniversary (and are hopefully richer) I'd love to have a big bash.

Gimblinginthewabe · 20/10/2012 16:53

(And I was pregnant so knackered)

Kewcumber · 20/10/2012 16:53

not marreid and never been to a renewing of vows but was gobsmacked to be invited to (and attended) a "re-baptism" of an adult friend.

Does being baptised wear off then? I'd never heard of it before (or since)

iklboo · 20/10/2012 16:58

DH & I are thinking of doing it for our 10 year anniversary. But just us at a drive through chapel in Vegas

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