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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what is the point of 'renewing your vows'?

76 replies

dolcelatte · 20/10/2012 08:08

I recently went to see Hope Springs - Meryl Streep excellent as ever (although I now see her as Margaret Thatcher which distracted me slightly!) but the film was touching, poignant and well acted. However, I thought the ending was a bit contrived, albeit provided a 'feel good' factor when the middle aged couple reconnnected with each other and renewed their vows.

Nevertheless, given that the vows are 'until death us do part' and/or otherwise intended to be on a permanent basis, it does seem to me to be somewhat illogical to 'renew' them, in the way you would renew say a car or a washing machine.

Has anyone done this and, if so, why - for example had you broken your vows or did you just feel that you wanted to make a duplicate public (or private) gesture of commitment?

OP posts:

TheFallenMadonna · 20/10/2012 17:01

My grandparents renewed their vows on their 40th wedding anniversary. They married 3 weeks after meeting, overseas, no family, on a side altar as my grandad had not yet converted to Catholicism.

They renewed their vows in a church filled with family and friends, after some years of very serious ill health, and my grandad got a ring which he never took off again.

Self indulgent? Probably. But marvellous all the same.

cazboldy · 20/10/2012 17:05

i think we might one day.... we had a very small wedding and it was when i was only 16.

I don't think anyone thought it would last.....

my parents certainly didn't and there was a horrible atmosphere between the 2 families which still persists almost 15 years after

so it would be lovely to celebrate our lives so far, and look forward to a future together with people (our friends!) who would be genuinel happy for us.

HeadlessForHalloween · 20/10/2012 17:09

It's not something we would be likely to do, but... what is wrong with a little self indulgence?

Posters are saying it's self indulgent as thought that's a bad thing, but I can't see a problem with a couple re-affirming their love for one another especially if they throw a party and we're invited

slowestwildebeast · 20/10/2012 17:20

ruined film ending!!!

:) let people get on with it, unless they want gifts then they can naff off. :)
I never understand why if people have been together years they have huge weddings and expect gifts? You have everything already surely? I worked with someone like this, endless talk about how much her fiance earnt, how they had bottles of champage in their boot as it no longer fitted their fridge then had a wedding list that asked for £30 plates.

Renew/rehash/reaffirm all you like. just do not as for £30 plates.

FutTheShuckUp · 20/10/2012 17:23

Its our ten year anniversary not next March but the one after.
I would LOVE my DH to ask me to do this- I feel it would prove he still loved me as much as back then.
Id never ask though he'd have to ask me!

Mrsjay · 20/10/2012 17:23

MY dh wants to do it In a few years I don't I like its OTT I am not sure how to tell him I think it is naff

Mrsjay · 20/10/2012 17:24

Its our ten year anniversary not next March but the one after.
I would LOVE my DH to ask me to do this- I feel it would prove he still loved me as much as back then.

I got an eternity ring for my 10th much better way of saying I love you and it sparkles

FutTheShuckUp · 20/10/2012 17:31

Ive already got an eternity ring!

EdgarAllanPond · 20/10/2012 17:33

i think it would not be self-indulgent at all - but a great way of seeing all the mates you only see at weddings, and have all day and none of the hassle of a church/registrars bit.

no speeches, all nosh, booze, great location.

Sparklingbrook · 20/10/2012 17:41

We only had 14 people at our wedding. 4 of them are no longer with us.

Mrsjay · 20/10/2012 17:46

I think Im just a miserable unromantic moo

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 20/10/2012 17:48

caz that's lovely :)

thebitchdoctor · 20/10/2012 18:10

My mum and dad renewed their vows earlier this year as mum was dying (she died a couple of months ago). I arranged it all for them as mum wanted it to be a surprise for dad. She asked me to help and I had it all arranged and 4 days later it happened. I had the job of telling him outside the church, because he thought it was a hastily arranged christening for my DD. It was a lovely but very emotional day. I did a reading during the ceremony but could barely read the verse as I was crying. Mum looked so beautiful. We buried her in the gown she wore on that day.

YoullLaughAboutItOneDay · 20/10/2012 18:15

My parents had a big family bash for their 25th and they 'reaffirmed' their vows. They are religious though, and I think for them it was about a religious service of thanks for their marriage, children, etc and also looking forward to the rest of their marriage.

I thought it was quite sweet.

Don't get it after 2 years or whatever though, unless there has been a split/almost split.

SheppySheepdog · 20/10/2012 18:19

The two couples I know who have done this did it because one or other of them had cheated and they had decided to stay together and have a fresh start.

cazboldy · 20/10/2012 19:07

Ahh thanks SPB x

prudencesmom · 20/10/2012 21:29

It seems to me that a high percentage of people get divorced after renewals. Personally I wouldnt be interested in it at all.

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 20/10/2012 21:51

Me and DH planned a vegas wedding, then ended up having a slightly cheaper shotgun wedding, so I could see that maybe one day we'd do the renewal of vows thing in vegas. Not for a long time yet though!

mummytime · 20/10/2012 22:03

Most people I have known do it, have been religious and do it at 25 or another significant number as part of the celebration (or on the Sunday after). none I've known have split afterwards.

However if you did it with one person keener than the other, or after a split; there might be a greater chance of Divorce afterwards. Its not a magic charm to paper over cracks.

BitchyHen · 20/10/2012 22:06

My parents renewed their vows this year, on their 40th anniversary.

They attend church regularly and it was done as part of the service with their friends and family there, rather than a separate celebration.
It was lovely and very moving.
Afterwards we shared cake with everyone attending the service.

IneedAgoldenNickname · 20/10/2012 23:19

My grandparents renewed theirs on their 50th wedding anniversary, in the same church, at the same time as their wedding. It was around that time that we found out Grandma's cancer had returned , I'm crying now remembering how much Grandad struggled to say the words 'til death us do part' :-( my beautiful Grandma passed away 6 weeks later, but I know that renewing their vows was one of the happiest days for both of them.

Kewcumber it's not something my church would allow, as we say 'i believe in one baptism' and their a second one would not be needed

Backtobedlam · 20/10/2012 23:25

I only got married in recent years but would live to renew vows. The month after the wedding was amazing, we were all loved up and sex improved massively...it'd be worth doing for that reason alone

ScarePhyllis · 21/10/2012 02:34

Reaffirming sacramental vows is a normal part of Christian life and liturgy - Christians reaffirm their baptismal vows annually at the Easter Vigil, monastics renew their vows, priests and deacons renew their ordination vows ...

I suppose a lot of people might partly renew marriage vows for the party, but on the whole I think it's a normal thing to do and doesn't necessarily imply that the vows have been broken. I guess at least the vows generally mean a lot to people who do it.

Kewcumber Unless what you went to was a confirmation, that sounds very odd. Baptism is a one-time deal. And even if it is in doubt whether someone was validly baptised the first time, any second ceremony is called a conditional baptism.

ScarePhyllis · 21/10/2012 02:41

Oh actually, some Orthodox dioceses will rebaptise converts who have been previously baptised as some bishops don't consider Protestant baptism valid.

ravenAK · 21/10/2012 02:53

I quite fancy this for our tenth anniversary next year. Our actual wedding was v small because I was heavily pregnant & in a permanently filthy temper ('oh ffs, do I HAVE to turn up? Can we not just do it online or summat?' type temper...).

Oddly enough our wedding is fondly remembered - we just did reg. office, pub, local restaurant, & had about 20 guests, I think.

But I would like a bit of a bash actually.

Put off because, let's face it, everyone will assume one of us has had an affair.

& also because I'm not really a 'vows' type person - I have his surname, we've got a mortgage & we've had 3 dc together, so I do feel we've demonstrated our commitment sufficiently already.

It'd be fun, though .

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