Not to let my daughter go to play date because my friend smacks her children?

[AutumnGlory]

We have being friends for 5 years, we first met when our dds were babies and we have been having play dates when convenient for both of us, albeit children going to different schools, we busy with our jobs and her having more 2 children since, the play dates are not as often as it used to be. Anyway she is very open about people know how stressed she has been with 3 kids, how desperate she is to go back to work when her mat leave finishes and how she is now spanking and shouting no end. She keeps asking for my dd to go there after school but I really don't want my daughter in this atmosphere. The invitation most of the time is not open to me, she wants me to drop off and collect so I don't see how will she cope with 4 kids -and dd is no angel- if she can't cope with 3 of her own. The days I go and stay, friend and I stay downstairs with baby and her 2 children plus mine go upstairs often with bedroom door closed and we can just hear lots of shouting and thumping as they don't have toys and are not allowed tv I have no idea what they play. I don't invite anymore because my dd's toys always get broken, they fight over sharing as though as they never saw toys in their life, they don't listen to me. Or to my friend and she ends up stressed and smacking in my house and I don't like it. We are telling friend to go to GP but she thinks once she goes back to work things will get better. Ah, let me add she complains she can't cope and hate being at home with children since she had only one but still went on to have two more. And they were planned.

Stop seeing her, and getting off on her misery, and there's your first step.

And you CAN help it. How vile.

I agree with the op. If she dislikes children that much she shouldn't have had three, How silly and I wouldn't want my child to be in that smacky environment. The fact that having three children is very tough, much tougher than one is not the point. The point is I wouldn't want to leave my one and only dd with someone who smacked their kids (and I am not anti-smacking at all..I have smacked my dd when really mad). I just wouldn't want to add to her stress and I only smack on very rare occasions . On the other hand op you could invite one of her kids to your house.

Not the op having three kids...I mean the smacky mum.

Sure I CAN. But it is not magic is it??? And actually what I'd I can't. ? What if I just manage to remain vile, bad, disgustting and will be forever? Aren't some poeple like this til they die

Why did I say you've no respect for her...? Because you say absolutely nothing positive about any aspect of her or her life or her choices.
Why did I ask you why you posted...? Kinda making a point: sometimes people look for validation of their feelings, but you seem to be genuinely asking if your DC should be left in the care of someone you don't trust. Which has an incredibly obvious answer.

I'm studiously avoiding the notion that children get more out of inerracting with each other than they do out of CBeebies...

I know I could invite but I work with kids all day long. When kids go home I want to spend time with my onw ONLY daighter and relax together/play/do homework. I know one day in a while won't hurt but she always say I need to have the two so only the baby is left alone. After one day's hard work with toddlers I don't want to have more stress with her two, they don't listen to me obviously tjhey are now used to shout and smacking they don't take me seriously. And they break the toys it is unbeliavable tthey do a massive mes, they don't kbow how to play. I am a CM and used to work in a nursery, mess usually don't bother me that much. My husband is at home on weekends so I don't invite at weekends. Summer is so much bettercan just go out.

YABU to play the bullying card when posters have only disagreed with you.

I know some things people 'naturally' think do come across worse when you write them down on a public forum, I'm sure some of the things I privately think would be flamed to shit.

But that means you have to choose what you're prepared to divulge on the net, you can't take it personally if someone calls you on what you've decided to write.

I don't get the class thing, she just seems to have picked a way of bringing up her children, as well all do. Nothing to do with class to me.

She's maybe also not coping particularly well, but again, the same as the rest of us.

Oh so you, a paid professional, can't manage her kids either? Interesting.

No. I can manage the children who are settled with me and have the routine to come to me everyday and try to respect me, my house and my rules. And NO after working with children all day I want to have time off thank you very much and enjoy my ONLY daughter and also help her do her homeowrk from her amazing school - the one my friend and everyone else turn the nose up for being located in the middle of the coucil flat area where I live with my hard working , working class mortgageless, car-less husband.

Good night.

Keep polishing that halo then. You are not interested in any other view. Just sounds like gossip and sniping about your 'friend' and her dcs.

I have never read such a revolting thread. (but then I've never googled dragon butter either ).

OP Just don't see her, unless your daughter has no other friends because you only want to spend time with your DD, on her own, so you can be on your own together.

Bag of Holly, you are right, but getting a little too het up.

And by the way, I have two kids, neither of whom will watch any TV at all. Live was easy with one, hellish when they are both there together.

I don't really like kids, but hormones made me have DD1, and balancing the family led to DD2. These things do happen. They are happy, loved and cared for, but I couldn't wait to go back go work. I know people who say I am a good mother.

Polishing halo? Go read again. I admitted I'm bad, envious and dreadful already. Didn't I? Few people answers my question, instead they were picking up on other things. The whole point is: I don't think she will ever lay a finger on my daughter but do I want to add to her stress since I know her stress comes from the amount of children she has already?? I think she is even mad to ask tbh. I know the mother's help will be there but doesn't seem to be making a difference. And how can I teach my child that hitting is not allowed if she sees her friend geTting hit?

It must be the way you've worded it Autumn, because I can see the bones of what you mean about telling your DD not to hit when she sees her friends getting a smack from their mum.

Maybe it's the other things you've brought into the equation? Being something about class, how you perhaps envy what she has and in an attempt to boost your self esteem have turned it round to make her seem a worse parent than you are in other things.

They could be reasonable things to help you cope with a low self esteem, belittling other people so you can get how you feel about your own situation into perspective.

But you can't voice them straight out and expect them not to be challenged when you're posting on a public forum.

That doesn't mean you're being bullied, or you're not allowed to talk about what's worrying you. It means you have to express it in a way fit for a public forum, i.e. taking account that what you say might offend some posters.

You might say you're not bothered by what other people think, but your posts don't come across that way to me.

HOW do you know that her stress comes from the number of children she has chosen to have?

You will add to her stress by being around her when you clearly don't like, respect, trust ot empathise with her in any way. one extra child in the house doesn't seem like such an issue against that attitude from a friend.

I can understand that when you're at home then you don't feel like taking on other peoples kids; that's absoultely fair enough. I guess your DD has friends around generally anyway.

Urgh what a horrible so called friend you are OP. Glad your not my friend, would prefer an enemy because your sure as hell aint "honest" bitching behind her back on the internet!

Don't intend to be unkind OP but it does seem like you don't like this woman very much in general. Is there a backstory to this?

I mean,the things you don't like about her are personal parenting choices. It's not like she's going to smack your daughter is it?

I think you should just be straightforward and tell her that you don't want your DD around someone who smacks and shouts and at least she knows where she stands. Her life doesn't sound happy, DH out all of the time. To be honest, some dolls, lego and crayons etc doesn't sound like no toys to me, but then I grew up mostly in countries where plastic tat didn't exist and too early for electronic tat. No TV at all sounds over the top but too much TV is rubbish too.

Meanwhile, why spend your time around someone who provokes jealousy and envy in you and hooks into some sort of low self-confidence that makes you happy to profit from another's misfortune? It's not an attractive trait, why not keep away from it?

'I think you should just be straightforward and tell her that you don't want your DD around someone who smacks and shouts and at least she knows where she stands.'

Hopefully the OP knows not to do that, but honestly OP, don't do that!

Not just because it would put the OP in a shitty position (which by the sounds of it some posters thinks she deserves for her opinions) but because it'd make her friend feel even worse than she does already.

How is that going to make her friend feel happier and more in control Eurostar?

It won't. It'll make her paranoid and isolated.

If she was really your friend you would be offering to have them round yours more to give her a break, not bitching on here.

Blimey OP are you PMT. I don't smack but friends of mine do, that's ok in my book because my friends wouldn't dream of smacking MY child (they are lovely parents). Each to their own really. I also only have one so it's far far easier for me.

I certainly wouldn't stop my child going there and playing with them.

You lost me when you gloated ("ha ha") that your dd's school, in a less desirable area, was better.

You dislike this woman. You think you are a much better parent. You say the kids have no toys, but list loads of them, just not the ones you personally like (and if their toys need adult interaction, that's hardly bad parenting). Lego is creative. Dolls are creative. Pens are creative. She's not allowing telly because a lot of theories hold it's very bad for young kids.

I think smacking is wrong, yes. I don't smack. But I do use CBeebies as a babysitter way more than I should, if honest. I also give my DS way too much stuff, and allow others to, because he is a PFB and as yet only. He doesn't need the tidal wave of plastic junk he has. He doesn't need the noise and battery-operated things. I never had them, yet we had a lot of fun imagining stuff - that's what 3 kids should be doing.

She sounds fine to me. You sound a bad friend, and if you can't see why spiteful gloating when your life is in some ways better is unpleasant, well. That's what you do about an enemy or rival - not someone who thinks of you as a friend.

I think you blew it with the class thing OP, people get veeery funny about it on MN for some reason.

I think you've got a point. And let's not say 'smack' - 'hitting' a child is wrong. I would distance yourself, you don't seem to like her that much and I wouldn't want my child around people who choose to hit their children either. If we hit adults it's called assault.

People get 'funny' about class Inadeep, because it's usually used to put across that the other person, by making certain parenting decisions, is implying 'I can't help noticing I'm considerably richer than yaw', rather than just doing what they think is best for their children.

The OP's says she thinks the hidden things her DC get from a school not valued by those on a higher income, is better than a school in a more affluent area, that says a lot about the OP and how she thinks having a few bob more in the family makes you into a different person.