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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT buy my nephew any cards or presents for his birthday or christmas?

95 replies

TomsBentPinky · 19/10/2012 08:53

Firstly, I always buy for the kids in the family. Always.

However DHs sister has never, ever even bought a 20p card factory card for any of my kids.

I've got 4 and my eldest is 8.

In that time shes never even rang to say happy birthday (DHs other sister is exactly the same)

They bothe live in far away areas but last year they were both staying with MIL when it was DSs birthday .... MIL came with DSs card and presents from her but both aunties stayed at her house and didn't bother to come see him.

So now she has a son of her own, 18 months and its coming upto his first xmas here and his birthday soon after. Shes gushing about it all and as BAD as I feel because I buy for all the kids on MY families side,

AIBU to not get him anything?

Should I tell her the reason why? or just not do it?

OP posts:
NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 19/10/2012 09:46

Dont. She has set a precedent. She does not want to buy your children presents. She might be mightily pissed off if you now send her child a present, when she most likely is not expecting it. It would seem as you are tryitn to force her hand. It would be most awkward.

If she says something, you are in you right to say "Sorry Deirdre, my children have never received any gifts from you, and I thought I was respecting your wishes in reciprocating the non-gift giving"

nilbyname · 19/10/2012 09:56

No problem chandon

anastaisia · 19/10/2012 10:02

Get the kids to make him a lovely big (but inexpensive material wise) card to show you all care but just aren't doing the buying part of it because that's obviously not expected/reciprocated on that side of the family?

cocolepew · 19/10/2012 10:06

I wouldn't.

A1980 · 19/10/2012 10:08

Don't do it and if she says anything say oh I thought we didn't do presents. I doubt anything will be said if she hasn't bought your children anything.

Bongaloo · 19/10/2012 10:18

yanbu
Your SIL would probably think 'Oh no, don't go starting on exchanging presents' anyway. Especially as you have 4 she'd need to remember and buy for.

KelperRose · 19/10/2012 10:19

Let's face fact you hate your SIL .....and have decided she hates you an your children?

Be he bigger person......also ask you your DH why he deoes ot seem bothered when so obviously are

KelperRose · 19/10/2012 10:20

argh so many spelling mistakes ..............

WitchOfEndor · 19/10/2012 10:45

I wouldn't get anything if I were you, it's not like the child will notice when it is so young and when it is older it will get presents from its parents, grandparents etc. it's not like it won't have any presents at all.

I have had an argument the last two years with my DM about not buying my brothers eldest a present. She's 23 and I stopped buying her something for birthdays and Christmas when she was 21. Mum thinks I should still get her a present because I still buy for her half brother and half sister ( who are under one, and two years old). I pointed out to mum that I would have to buy her something till she was in her forties in that case and that I had to draw the line somewhere. Plus I used to buy a birthday and Christmas card every year for my cousin (11 years my junior, 16 years younger than my brother) and my brother never bothered his arse to even buy a card!

halcyondays · 19/10/2012 10:48

He's a baby so he won't care if you get him a present or not.

secretlyahippy · 19/10/2012 10:55

There's too much present buying in this world. We end up spending a fortune on crap gifts people don't want or need.

I wouldn't buy him a present. Why on earth does he need one? He doesn't know, so are you buying it to make yourself or you're sister feel good?

I agree with a previous poster about making a lovely card with the children and sending it on.

Be liberated about not having to buy yet another present this xmas/yearly birthdays

NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 19/10/2012 11:06

Just stop giving it headspace, and dont think about it.

It is not like you want to buy her child a present, you just want to SHOW HER, and that is not the right gift giving spirit.

I mean come on, 4 times a year, for the last well, (how many years?) 6 years, have you been annoyed at the lack of present. Just stop before it gets ridiculous.

nailak · 19/10/2012 11:12

do you only give to receive?

because it seems like it.

CrapBag · 19/10/2012 11:19

Personally I wouldn't. Why should you when she has never bothered.

Also as it is your DH's family, I would make him take responsibility for it. I don't buy for DH's family and he doesn't buy for mine.

TiAAAAARGHo · 19/10/2012 12:03

She clearly doesn't do presents and cards. I would therefore follow her lead.

Nanny0gg · 19/10/2012 12:05

Have you ever actually spoken to them about it?
And when they visited MiL when it was your DC's birthday, did they visit you at all?

KeithLeMonde · 19/10/2012 12:06

I have a close friend who has never so much as sent a cheapo card for any of mine but I feel strongly that I want to treat her kids the same as I treat the children of my other close friends. I don't spend much but I always mark their birthdays with a card and an inexpensive but carefully chosen present.

I guess I don't want to sink to her level.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 19/10/2012 12:11

i would take the "well i thought you didn't do pesents and cards on this side of the family" thing as well. the baby is not going to notice a missing present.

KelperRose · 19/10/2012 12:11

give to give..........not give to recieve

DeWe · 19/10/2012 12:40

I would send a card, and put something in the card along the lines of "I know we don't do presents for the children's birthdays, but I thought it would be nice to send a card"

Bit passive aggressive, but if she then wishes to discuss swapping presents (as someone said it may not have occurred to her until she had a child) you're open to discussion.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/10/2012 12:41

But OP isn't giving to receive? Her point is SIL has NEVER given presents to her children!

OP just do want makes you feel happier. I'm on the "don't bother" side of the fence personally. My OH's brother buys my OH shit and my OH proceeds to spend loads of money for the brother's birthday. It drives me insane. In my family it's not about how much money is spent,but presents are important,we like to spend time picking thoughtful gifts. Not expensive necessarily (and in my case def not) but thoughtful.

If SIL can't be arsed then don't reciprocate would be my advice.

Also all this "it's a first world problem" business...yes,yes it is,because we live in the "first world" ffs.

Cahoots · 19/10/2012 12:46

I wouldn't get anything but you can see how it goes. Maybe! when he is older you can bring him a little gift when you see him in person, some sweets or a book. That would probably mean more to him than yet more birthday or christmas presents anyway.

PuffPants · 19/10/2012 12:51

OP, if the child is 18 months...what did you do last year?

PuffPants · 19/10/2012 12:54

Also, she's your DH's sister not yours - I can't see how it's your decision to make or give a toss about.

5Foot5 · 19/10/2012 12:56

"DH couldn't care less either way, hes so relaxed he's horizontal.
Mind you it wouldn't be HIM getting the card, present, wrappngs, posting it ect...."

Why ever not?

No intrinsic reason why men shouldn't do the present buying / wrapping thing so maybe it is just a family thing and the SILs and your DH are just more similar than you thought

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