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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT buy my nephew any cards or presents for his birthday or christmas?

95 replies

TomsBentPinky · 19/10/2012 08:53

Firstly, I always buy for the kids in the family. Always.

However DHs sister has never, ever even bought a 20p card factory card for any of my kids.

I've got 4 and my eldest is 8.

In that time shes never even rang to say happy birthday (DHs other sister is exactly the same)

They bothe live in far away areas but last year they were both staying with MIL when it was DSs birthday .... MIL came with DSs card and presents from her but both aunties stayed at her house and didn't bother to come see him.

So now she has a son of her own, 18 months and its coming upto his first xmas here and his birthday soon after. Shes gushing about it all and as BAD as I feel because I buy for all the kids on MY families side,

AIBU to not get him anything?

Should I tell her the reason why? or just not do it?

OP posts:
allthegoodnamesweretaken · 19/10/2012 08:55

I'd get him something this year and see if it is reciprocated from then on. If not, don't bother next year.

ginmakesitallok · 19/10/2012 08:56

Personally I would. BUT OTOH she has set the precedent that obviously in DPs family Aunts and Uncles don't do cards or presents so you would NBU not to do so.

Original poster
TomsBentPinky · 19/10/2012 08:56

I know its petty but i just think why should I bother? When she never did for my kids?

OP posts:
KelperRose · 19/10/2012 08:57

yes...........he is a wee baby

If you want to hate your DH's sister that's fine .

But do really want to be the person that doesn't care and get your nephew in law a wee present for chirsitmas

oneofthosedays · 19/10/2012 08:57

Just don't do it and if anything is said just feign surprise and say you assumed you weren't doing gifts/cards. No need to specifically say anything, just act as if that's the way it has always been, which it has for your kids.

Original poster
TomsBentPinky · 19/10/2012 08:58

Well Kelper, all mine were 'wee babies' too when she decided to ignore their birthdays and xmas.

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 19/10/2012 08:58

Drop of a card and a small gift for him if don't go over board just a little something , she sounds like My sil and bil can't remember the last time the sent birthday and christmas cards ,and they missed dd 18th I was livid and sad for her she thinks the suns shines out of her uncles arse, I stopped last year I just don't see the point anymore ,

cantspel · 19/10/2012 08:59

Why punish the child for the parents being mean?

I would buy a token present and card. Nothing expensive and i couldn't leave him out because of the actions of the parent.

Fecklessdizzy · 19/10/2012 09:00

Tricky ... Before they have kids some poeple just aren't clued up on what's expected ( guilty! )

I can quite see why you're pissed off and vengance is looking quite appealing but if it was me I think I'd stake out the moral high ground and send something ... Doesn't have to be anything special, mind you! Grin

KelperRose · 19/10/2012 09:00

Do not let her actions influence yours

If she is a selfish bitch , be the bigger person and let it slide

It's your DH's sister what does he think?

ObiWan · 19/10/2012 09:00

If you are not really close to your SIL or her child, it may be that she won't expect gifts from you.

We rarely see some of my inlaws, and while I rave about Christmas etc. I don't actually expect to get even a card from people we don't see often/have an actual relationship with.

Your children don't register with your SIL, so my guess would be that she will only expect family and friends she actually 'knows' to join in with her the plans she is 'gushing' about.

scootle · 19/10/2012 09:01

I think you should do exactly as you please. Absolutely fine not to do gifts with families who don't do them.

Original poster
TomsBentPinky · 19/10/2012 09:02

DH couldn't care less either way, hes so relaxed he's horizontal.

Mind you it wouldn't be HIM getting the card, present, wrappngs, posting it ect....

shes never got anything when the babies were born either but I posted her a massive hamper full of stuff when her DS arrived. (and felt like a mug after)

OP posts:
StrawberryMojito · 19/10/2012 09:02

The thing is buying presents for 4 children would be very expensive for her. However, like you said, it doesn't take much to send a card. So, no, I guess I wouldn't bother. What did you do last Christmas?

Original poster
TomsBentPinky · 19/10/2012 09:03

Thats the thing obiwan, she thinks we are close. I brought it up once a long time ago that we werent and she was 'devestated her sister (me) would think that'

OP posts:
BrigitBigKnickers · 19/10/2012 09:04

Some people do presents others don't.

We buy for my DHs uncle aunt and cousin at christmas but we have never bought for any of my uncles aunts or cousins. I would suggest that she has set the precident for presents and if she or anyone else asks why you haven't bought him anything simply say- "we have never done it before- I assumed that it would continue."

Original poster
TomsBentPinky · 19/10/2012 09:04

I didn't always have 4 strawberry, i did start off with 1 and built it up Grin

but even with 1 ... the very first baby in the whole family, she didn't bother.

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 19/10/2012 09:05

Could you just get him A birthday card and not bother with a gift if she isn't doing presents then maybe you shouldn't either, It is hard but if she doesn't bother her bum about presents then dont

Moominsarescary · 19/10/2012 09:06

Maybe just send a card

ObiWan · 19/10/2012 09:07

Hmm, I have a SIL prone to melodramatics, and being 'devestated' at the drop of a hat.

Unless you are close, speak often, get on and actually know each other, whatever she says is of no real consequence.

But I'm coming at this from a slightly biased viewpoint, as I can't spend more than two minutes in my SILs company without wanting to throw myself out of the window Grin.

Original poster
TomsBentPinky · 19/10/2012 09:07

Right,

thinking about it its 2 of my kids birthdays before her sons, so I'll see if she gets them a card and base it on that.

But it was my sons birthday a few months ago and no card... and she had her DS then.

OP posts:
typicalvirgo · 19/10/2012 09:07

I dont buy for one set of relatives for similar reasons.

And I dont feel bad about it AT ALL.

In this case I would probably but something very small and see like someone else said if it was reciprocated.

In my case its not an issue. Neices live in the US so its not like we see them very much.

BIL for 8 years never sent cards or presents for my children which I never had a problem with, but when he married (quite late in life and had his first at 44) I decided It was too late to start . I sent gifts for the babies when they were born and give presents when we see them.

I am sooo glad I didnt start this as now he has 3 and I would be doing this for the next 18 years of my life - I'll be almost be drawing my pension by then.

The nephews and nieces in the UK I have always exchanged birthday and christmas gifts, but as they are all approaching 18 within the next few years Ill be stopping then !

JoshLyman · 19/10/2012 09:08

I wouldn't do anything. Spend your money on the more kind and thoughtful people in your life.

Kveta · 19/10/2012 09:09

I wouldn't bother. my sister has decided that my children, DH, and I are only to get very cheap token gifts, so I am reciprocating. makes life easier for me not to have to worry about finding them 'perfect' gifts if she just gets us tat in her weekly shop. YANBU.

SoggySummer · 19/10/2012 09:09

No I wouldnt bother either. From the childs perspective he is too young to notice you have or have not bought a gift. He will have plenty of others as it is Xmas.

Also it would not be wise to start something this year that may then become an issue next year if you then decide to not bother.

Just dont say or do anything. Dont bother with a gift be smiley and nice and if anyone says anything just go down the route of saying you assumed aunts/uncles etc didnt do gifts for the kids as its never been done before.

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