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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT buy my nephew any cards or presents for his birthday or christmas?

95 replies

TomsBentPinky · 19/10/2012 08:53

Firstly, I always buy for the kids in the family. Always.

However DHs sister has never, ever even bought a 20p card factory card for any of my kids.

I've got 4 and my eldest is 8.

In that time shes never even rang to say happy birthday (DHs other sister is exactly the same)

They bothe live in far away areas but last year they were both staying with MIL when it was DSs birthday .... MIL came with DSs card and presents from her but both aunties stayed at her house and didn't bother to come see him.

So now she has a son of her own, 18 months and its coming upto his first xmas here and his birthday soon after. Shes gushing about it all and as BAD as I feel because I buy for all the kids on MY families side,

AIBU to not get him anything?

Should I tell her the reason why? or just not do it?

OP posts:
cashmere · 19/10/2012 09:10

I wouldn't get him anything. He won't know any different and you are right your children are just as special.

nilbyname · 19/10/2012 09:10

I would give a card and say with a big sweet smile, "Oh I know you don't do presents, so I just have got this little card so you know we are all thinking about him on his special day" Big smile and hug.

picnicbasketcase · 19/10/2012 09:10

I agree with oneifthosedays, just say that as they've never given yours anything, you assumed it was a family rule not to buy for children.

shewhowines · 19/10/2012 09:10

She has set the precedent. I would leave it at that.

KelperRose · 19/10/2012 09:11

have you sent her birthday cards?

Or her children birthday cards

HeinousHecate · 19/10/2012 09:12

I would do as nilby says.

ecto · 19/10/2012 09:15

Also agree with nilby

Original poster
TomsBentPinky · 19/10/2012 09:16

We don't send each other cards but I did get her one this year as it was a special birthday. I don't expect one on mine (mundane birthday)

OP posts:
Longdistance · 19/10/2012 09:16

My sil is like this. She has teenage sons. She is very well off, but is just plain mean.

My dh insists on getting them cards giving money. Makes me so Angry

Just don't bother. It's not like an 18 month olds gonna notice tight cah

EugenesAxe · 19/10/2012 09:18

I'm with you on the 'wee baby' thing. If anything that makes it less of a reason - he/she won't know jack about it.

I think you could safely not buy him a present given that if she protests you can say 'Sorry - I thought you obviously didn't hold with presents for nephews/nieces.'

nilby's idea is a good one.

AWomanCalledHorse · 19/10/2012 09:18

I wouldn't bother getting him anything.

EagleRiderDirk · 19/10/2012 09:19

I personally wouldn't bother either. It's your dh's sister and he can buy for her kid. That's how oh and I work it out. We've both got enough family politics going on in each of our families to worry about the other side!

Chandon · 19/10/2012 09:22

I always get my nieces gifts, for birthdays and christmass.

SIL does not reciprocate, which is a shame, but I like my nieces and I like getting them gifts.

By the way, are you the head of gift buying in your home? What does your DP say? He might want to get his DN a gift?

Chandon · 19/10/2012 09:24

Don't hold with the nilby passive-aggressive thing at all, I would see through that and see it for what it is: not a token, but a way to put me down. Nice.

Mrsjay · 19/10/2012 09:27

Kveta that is what my inlaws used to do, really presents that were unsuitable and sometimes I think some were regifts(bashed boxes and dirty marks on a book ) and SIL family got nice presents, It isn't about the money it is the thought I would spend ages thinking about gifts,

footphobic · 19/10/2012 09:28

Yes she has been thoughtless, but if you would like to do this I think I would actually ask her, in a 'nice' way. In a situation like this I think there's a lot to be said for being direct.

I would phone or email and say that obviously it's not been a family thing before to buy children presents not that you are pissed off about it, honestly but now you all have children it might be nice to start doing Xmas and birthdays for them, would she like to?

It doesn't have to be expensive gifts, recognising that she would have to buy 4 dcs.

If she says no you have your answer, but even so, like you so I would still feel bad and would want to send a card to acknowledge the occasion, and probably a token gift as well.

nilbyname · 19/10/2012 09:32

chnadon Sometimes it is better to be nice with no agenda. I think just giving a card is fine here and no need to "tell it to her straight" or make a big deal of it. Shrugs

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 19/10/2012 09:33

I would thank you for not buying gifts. Classic first world problem - despair at the thought of another Christmas/birthday and the ensuing truckload of toys that have to be found space for.

I would send a card because that shows thought without setting a precedent for presents. Not sending anything might make you feel better for about 5 seconds but you'll feel bad about it for ages. Speaking from experience here!

Chandon · 19/10/2012 09:34

o.k., maybe I misinterpreted your suggestion

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 19/10/2012 09:35

I also feel quite sad about people being snotty about token presents. Just because they aren't expensive doesn't mean that no thought has gone into them.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 19/10/2012 09:36

Surely it's up to your DH if he's going to send a card or not, it is his family after all Wink

ZenNudist · 19/10/2012 09:38

If you don't want to, don't your dn is too young to know difference anyway. In future you may feel like getting him something as he will appreciate it more.

From her side she didn't have kids so didn't see it as necessary. It might be hard for you to get that but not everyone goes a bundle on birthdays, etc. now she has a kid things change but may not be grateful to have one present & an obligation to get 4 more! It's an expensive business buying gifts for every child you know!

ENormaSnob · 19/10/2012 09:38

She has set the precedence re no gifts.

I would send a card though.

Purple2012 · 19/10/2012 09:41

My husbands brother and SIL often forget my SDs birthday and it really pisses me off. I always buy for their kids. Although I have stopped doing for one because she is over 18 now. It's not fair on the kids. Luckily, I think my SD is oblivious to it. We have had their kids to stay one for months, with no help on supporting her too - we had her because she was a problem.

Some people just don't think about others.

eBook · 19/10/2012 09:43

Send a card each year. This way your nephew will see that you care about him. An aunt who cares about you is important and he may well appreciate this as he gets older.

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