to have found this really quite nasty and be offended?

[emsyj]

OK, so this involves the dreaded Facebook ((sigh))...

A friend I met at work a few years back (who now lives on the other side of the world, so our only contact is via Facebook and emails) made a post yesterday along the lines, 'the fact that it's disguised as a cutesy monkey backpack doesn't detract from the fact that your kid is on a leash'. I assume she was referring to those backpacks with reins attached. DD has one of these, it was a gift from some friends and we have used it on occasion as she likes to walk, hates the buggy and won't reliably hold a hand (I guess it's tiring to reach up and hold an adult's hand for a long period when you're 2). So anyway, I replied saying that they were useful and better than the child running off and getting squashed by a car - all very light-hearted at this point, and I was in no way offended. A few other people (whom I don't know personally) posted too, just casual lighthearted type comments, nothing controversial.

However, later on in the day she replied with, 'Why can't you just put it in a pram or carry the child, putting it on a lead like a dog is demeaning for a child'. Hmm, so I thought this was quite rude - I am demeaning my child, am I? Also I am 6 months pg and DD weighs 30lb, so I couldn't carry her (even if either of us wanted that, which neither of us do!) and she doesn't like the buggy, she enjoys walking. How is it better to wrestle her into the buggy and listen to her scream and thrash around whilst I wheel her along?

I refrained from posting anything back but then later still, other people had responded to her and she then said that child reins are equivalent to putting people with mental disabilities and dementia on leads, and that you can 'feed your kid what you want, do what you want, but do it in public and expect others to have an opinion about it'. I was a bit - and I don't really understand what her point is or why she would care so much, but AIBU to think this was a needlessly inflammatory thing to say? It seems that she is saying, (a) that I demean my child and that (b) my treatment of DD is akin to abuse of people suffering with dementia or disabled people. I was really really offended by this and have felt quite upset (pregnancy hormones) but am I being excessively precious?

Gosh, this is already long and I really didn't mean to turn it into a 'are reins okay' debate - I personally think they're fine, and I am happy for others to not like them/not approve etc, but I do draw the line at a so-called friend accusing me of abusing my child. Interestingly, this person is expecting her first baby so I posted back, 'I was a perfect parent before I had kids too - good luck with that.' Was that reasonable?

Still feel quite about the whole thing.

I think I've been living on my little rock for too long but I don't understand what is so wrong with reins?

I think those little back packs are great and plan on getting one for DS. I don't understand how they can 'demean' a child? Surely something can only be demeaning if the person allows themselves to be demeaned? And I'm guessing young kids are completely unaware of this emotion but that's just me.

Is it the same as talking to a baby in a baby voice? I've heard that it infantalises them. Well yes, they're infants.... I don't think anyone has been scarred by being spoken to in a baby voice. Sigh. The things people get judgey about. I judge those judgy bastards.

Ah but, TheSurgeonsMate, that's still controlling and restraining them (or their minds) surely

(am taking the pee, obviously...not of you...but the OP's judgey friend!)

I can totally see myself using reins with DS (he's very active and loves to be able to run about) and love the backpack thingy idea.

Pudgy2011... The use of motherese (talking to babies in a baby voice) has been shown to support language development...so the judgey pants are not only judgey but way off the mark too.

I love it when people who don't have kids yet think they know all the answers "oh no we would never use reins/a dummy/controlled crying on our PFB" . Your response to her was perfect.

Don't know if this is helpful or not bit we have quite a few Australian friends who are truly horrified by the use if reins - just not a done thing I over there for them so maybe that attitude has rubbed off on her?

I never knew reins were so controversial. I wonder how she'd feel about my plans to attach an extendable dog lead child protection device to mine when the time comes.

I always took the view that people put leads on their dogs because they love them and worry about them running into roads and want to do everything in their power to keep them safe. Why would a parent (if they have a bolter) take less care of their child (by risking them running into the road) than they do of their dog?

I'd put something like "I'm sure there are places where you can debate that sort of thing to your heart's content".

I think you just need to ignore your "friend" and keep doing what you are doing.

Hmmm, I have a friend who would have had a thirty year old this year, had she at three not dashed between two parked cars and got killed by a lorry, he says nota day goes by when him and his wife don't consider what else they could have done to stop it :(

Another time I could hear a woman yelling frantically as her dd hurtled like a mini bullet towards a main road, she was running down hill and momentum was making her really fast and she wasn't stopping, mum had buggy and bags and just dropped everything sprinting after her, me and another woman dived at the girl and somehow although I ended up very wet on the knees, we caught her off balance and she fell backwards. Poor girl was distraught two strangers had practically rugby tackled her, and mum was sobbing in gratitude, she got to the edge of the kerb before we stopped her.

I think each to their own and if that's what makes them safe but gives them mobility then it's up to. Others how they do it.

YANBU. Love your response btw.

I have always been slightly gutted they didn't have those/ I didn't know about them when DS was a toddler. Was have saved my sanity been easier than the wrist strap/ reins we did use.

Your friend's an idiot. Some small kids bolt every time - so you are supposed to keep them strapped into a pram or carry them? If you did, she'd be outraged about the poor children not being free to roam.

I'd rather have a live toddler than one killed running under the wheels of a car or bike. We tried reins with DS once as he was an explorer and he learned (before we got to the end of the road) that twisting around the back of us or running the other side of a lamppost was excellent fun.

yanbu, she and those responding to her are incredibly ignorant. My one year old refuses to hold hands in public and darts after whatever catches her eye, that's fine in the park but not walking beside a road. I won't strap her into a buggy just to please other people. She loves walking/running everywhere, has an enormous amount of energy she needs to use up and it's healthy for her. Reins allow her to run everywhere safely.

I wouldn't have been bothered enough to be offended. I would have thought her a silly cow and laughed like a drain at what was surely to come.

I did take slight offence when I casually mentioned it had been a bit of a nightmare getting a piece of work done while looking after a small child and got shot down with "I don't know why you're complaining, it was your decision to have children". To which I replied "Yes it was my decision to have children, but had I known the reality of having children there is a strong possibility I would not have done so".

And therein lies the rub. You cannot begin to understand the reality until you do it. Shame you've defriended, I would have loved to have seen her eating her words later.

When did this anti-reins thing start anyway?

I do remember a film in which a man sees a mother tugging at her child's reins, and says something like, if you treat a child like that he'll be feeling like he's trapped/on a leash for the rest of his life.

I just wonder if that scene touched a nerve and began a bit of a backlash? Something must have happened to make reins seem wrong

I have never understood this thing about reins being a bad thing.

Nobody says it's 'demeaning' for a child to be strapped into a buggy they don't want to be in, yet essentially it's the same thing, isn't it? Straps round the body to stop a child from going somewhere you don't want them to. Actually, you can add car seats and stairgates as well.

Basically, not allowing your toddler to take responsibility for their own safety is demeaning. Nope. still don't get it!

Love your respone - your friend is a twat.

DS (2) likes his stupid turtle back pack thing - it's safe for him and more fun so we use it - end of!

My sister was given lots of "helpful" tips when she was at the end of her tether with a non sleeping baby from a rather opinionated friend who was pregnant with her first at the time. The friend had the grace to be when her own baby was a few months old and she realised what a twerp she had been.

YANBU. And love your response

ratbagcatbag

Scooters should have 'leashes' too. A small child near us was killed yesterday when she scootered straight out in front of a bus (nanny was texting at the time and rushed out to catch the child too late and is now in a coma).

LMFAO at the idea of going anywhere without my DS in his reins. Although I babywear him too, he is basically a free-range lunatic whose main hobbies when out and are about are bolting into the road and refusing to hold anyone's hand. He loves his reins and even brings them to me and tries to put them on then get me to help him when indoors, and he walks around hugging them. They give him freedom and independence whilst feeling safe, what's not to like? It's far more fun than being strapped in a buggy, having to sit instead of run wild and unable to see whoever they're with.

I remember enjoying being in reins as a kid too and my Mum says I insisted on wearing them long after I needed to!

Your friend sounds v judgemental, OP. I fear she is heading for a fall when the reality of motherhood strikes!

God that's awful Frontpaw. A friend of mine kept her child on a leash with his backpack when he was on his scooter. Apparently she did get some funny looks but she said a few snooty looks were nothing compared to him getting squashed.

He now comes to heel beautifully!