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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have found this really quite nasty and be offended?

105 replies

emsyj · 18/10/2012 12:20

OK, so this involves the dreaded Facebook ((sigh))...

A friend I met at work a few years back (who now lives on the other side of the world, so our only contact is via Facebook and emails) made a post yesterday along the lines, 'the fact that it's disguised as a cutesy monkey backpack doesn't detract from the fact that your kid is on a leash'. I assume she was referring to those backpacks with reins attached. DD has one of these, it was a gift from some friends and we have used it on occasion as she likes to walk, hates the buggy and won't reliably hold a hand (I guess it's tiring to reach up and hold an adult's hand for a long period when you're 2). So anyway, I replied saying that they were useful and better than the child running off and getting squashed by a car - all very light-hearted at this point, and I was in no way offended. A few other people (whom I don't know personally) posted too, just casual lighthearted type comments, nothing controversial.

However, later on in the day she replied with, 'Why can't you just put it in a pram or carry the child, putting it on a lead like a dog is demeaning for a child'. Hmm, so I thought this was quite rude - I am demeaning my child, am I? Hmm Also I am 6 months pg and DD weighs 30lb, so I couldn't carry her (even if either of us wanted that, which neither of us do!) and she doesn't like the buggy, she enjoys walking. How is it better to wrestle her into the buggy and listen to her scream and thrash around whilst I wheel her along?

I refrained from posting anything back but then later still, other people had responded to her and she then said that child reins are equivalent to putting people with mental disabilities and dementia on leads, and that you can 'feed your kid what you want, do what you want, but do it in public and expect others to have an opinion about it'. I was a bit Shock - and I don't really understand what her point is or why she would care so much, but AIBU to think this was a needlessly inflammatory thing to say? It seems that she is saying, (a) that I demean my child and that (b) my treatment of DD is akin to abuse of people suffering with dementia or disabled people. I was really really offended by this and have felt quite upset (pregnancy hormones) but am I being excessively precious?

Gosh, this is already long and I really didn't mean to turn it into a 'are reins okay' debate - I personally think they're fine, and I am happy for others to not like them/not approve etc, but I do draw the line at a so-called friend accusing me of abusing my child. Interestingly, this person is expecting her first baby so I posted back, 'I was a perfect parent before I had kids too - good luck with that.' Was that reasonable?

Still feel quite Sad about the whole thing.

OP posts:
procrastinor · 18/10/2012 12:38

Ah I thought she didn't have children. Now I get why some people don't like them. But my DS is a big kid (2 but annoyingly tall like his dad). He doesn't like being carried for very long and tbh I can't carry him for that long and he's not a huge fan if the pram.

Now really I'd just ignore. I think the problem with Facebook and the Internet in general is that people don't think they are actually talking to real life people let alone friends. I am sure she would never dream of basically accusing you of abusing your child to your face. Because that would make her a mad bitch. But over the Internet she feels like she can proclaim any opinion as offencingly as she likes and expects no comeback.

By the way love love your comment.

minouminou · 18/10/2012 12:38

"But yer kid's not a dog......"

"Yes, because replacing him after he gets killed by a car is a bit more involved."

mudipig · 18/10/2012 12:40

I love your reply. I used reigns because there wasn't an alternative unless I wanted to fight and wrestle my toddler all down the road. She wouldn't hold hands and would continually try and struggle free and she wouldn't stop at the kerb.

I really hope she gets a runner. By that I mean there are some that just plod nicely next to their mum, and there are ones like mine who run off at any given opportunity laughing their head off, causing you to have to dive sometimes to stop them getting in the road.

It would have been negligent for me not to use reigns.

She will come to understand. In the meantime, don't worry about it. I think you got the last word.

Fakebook · 18/10/2012 12:40

Seeing as she's on the other side of the world, I'd have called her a stupid fucking bitch left it for a day and then deleted and blocked her. Haha.

emsyj · 18/10/2012 12:41

That's the thing though Rhubarb, she would have seen my comment that I use them sometimes for DD before she started going on about being demeaning and abusive treatment.

I do sort of wish that I hadn't deleted/unfriended her as now I won't be able to enjoy the unfolding of her Perfect Parenthood. Oh well, I will be too busy with DC2 by then (she's due 12 weeks after me) to keep up with it anyway!

OP posts:
emsyj · 18/10/2012 12:45

"She wouldn't hold hands and would continually try and struggle free and she wouldn't stop at the kerb."

"there are ones like mine who run off at any given opportunity laughing their head off, causing you to have to dive sometimes to stop them getting in the road."

Yep, yep and yep - mudipig we've got 2 from the same mould there!!! DD also particularly enjoys trying to wrestle her hand out of mine and then lying down on the pavement until I pick her up, at which point she will then start walking again but will immediately lie down once more if I dare take hold of her hand.

OP posts:
WinklyFriedChicken · 18/10/2012 12:45

Loving all the "oh I thought she didn't have children" comments Hmm

If she's ignorant and rude, childbirth won't cure that and from these boards it's safe to say there are plenty of parents who get rude when their approaches are challenged. As a non-parent - and NOT through choice - I can assure you I don't want your offspring bolting away and getting run over.

Paiviaso · 18/10/2012 12:46

You are overreacting.

She doesn't like the leads. She thinks of a dog and thinks its demeaning. I'm sure she is not the only one to hold this opinion.

The leads are useful. You use one, you don't think its demeaning. You told her this, and you realised from her replies that she doesn't quite understand what its like as she doesn't have children yet. End.

Her opinion does not in any way affect your use of the lead why get so worked up about it? She is just being silly and will surely change her tune once she has a child. Leave it.

saintlyjimjams · 18/10/2012 12:49

I know quite a few people with learning disabilites who do go on (large) reins (usually attached to a belt) to keep them safe. Your response was perfect. Now just hope she has a child who runs off
all the time and won't hold hands

THERhubarb · 18/10/2012 12:53

Trust me, she will be just as rude and judgemental when she does eventually have children.

Look, she's hormonal and pregnant and probably wanted to send a message out to her friends that she would make the perfect mother. We've all judged other mums, you said yourself emsyj that you have made remarks about choices made by other mums. The only difference is that now people have Facebook to voice those remarks and they do so, without considering the fact that many of the people they are judging are also reading their remarks!

That's the problem with Facebook, nothing is private.

Seriously her comments were just ill-informed and not intended for anyone in particular. I wouldn't have deleted her as a friend. I would have given her the chance to say sorry at least. You just don't know what's going on in someone's life sometimes. If she had said it in person, you would have explained why you use them, she would have said sorry and might have explained why she was in a ratty mood or what experience led her to make such a judgement. As it is, she made the faceless comment, you responded and have terminated the friendship. Such is the case with social networks, I think you probably lose more friends than you keep!

twolittlemonkeys · 18/10/2012 12:54

Spot on with your reply - well done. I didn't much like the idea of reins, but my ASD DS1 was (still is) a runner so at times they were necessary. Just the threat of the reins was enough to keep him in check, but every child is different and you do what you have to do! She'll learn when she has her own... Grin

THERhubarb · 18/10/2012 12:54

saintly, you do know that you don't have to add the - to every word don't you? Just at the beginning and end of your sentence Grin

wordfactory · 18/10/2012 13:01

Straps are demeaning? Wow.

Maybe bottles and dummies contravene Human Rights. Someone call the UN.

saintlyjimjams · 18/10/2012 13:01

Oh really? That never used to work!

saintlyjimjams · 18/10/2012 13:02

oh yes look it's true

saintlyjimjams · 18/10/2012 13:02

Wahay!

Babyrabbits · 18/10/2012 13:02

Don't worry watch it play out..i have a friend like this massively oppinionated on all aspect of children ( likes to tell off other people small children) very nasty about other peoples choices...her baby has almost killed her, she has struggled badly. She's also had to eat some huge humble pie.

:-) karma.

WinklyFriedChicken · 18/10/2012 13:04

Wow babyrabbits, so nice that you take so much pleasure in the misfortune of others.

Dahlen · 18/10/2012 13:04

I liked your response. Pithy. Wink

I'd let it drop there though. Either she's the sort who expresses opinions like this on a wide range of subjects - in which case why is she your friend? - or she was just behaving like a bit of an arse over this one matter and as a friend you can forgive her.

degutastic · 18/10/2012 13:04

Surely it's better the kid walks on a lead and gets some exercise than sits around in a buggy and contributes to the obesity crisis? Grin

I don't think it's especially demeaning anyway. I happen to think beinig compared to my dog would be a compliment to most 2 year olds... He's very clever Wink

CamperFan · 18/10/2012 13:05

Your "friend" is clearly a twat and your response was good.

Besides, does she not know how cute they look when you put the little back pack hoods up? Grin Grin

BelleJolie · 18/10/2012 13:06

I love your response - perfect! If she is so against reins, we does she advocate a pram? Surely, following her logic, that's akin to a cage...? Hmm

Arthurfowlersallotment · 18/10/2012 13:10

She thinks she has all the answers OP, and even though her baby will almost certainly knock some of the bullshit out of her, she'll probably continue to be a FB preacher. Though why the fuckity fuck you give a fuck about some mouthy bint's opining from half a planet away is beyond me.

Besides, anyone who calls a child 'it' makes me shudder.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way.

THERhubarb · 18/10/2012 13:10

Glad to be of service saintly! Grin

What is saddening now are the people who are wishing her misfortune so that she can get her just desserts.

Who has never ever judged another person?

Let she who has never sinned cast the first stone.

I don't wish misfortune on any parent, no matter who they are or what they've done. That would be just nasty and probably far nastier than their original sin.

CatsRule · 18/10/2012 13:10

Yanbu...your reply was good.

I personally don't really like reins but I can see me using them for my ds...7 months and already very mobile.

His safety will far outweigh what I do or don't like!

Maybe she will show everyone how a perfect parent does it all Grin