To worry that this *Could* destroy us before we really get started together? (Long)

[Redline]

Hi Not sure how to put this as I'm a man & not used to but getting lots of practice of late via MN lol writing about my thoughts & emotions? But will give it a go so bear with me if I'm over-descriptive somewhat in what follows; I'm someone who is normally very unlucky in love & recently got out of the lower depths of Hell a Very bad relationship with a woman who was about as close to the personification of pure evil as can be imagined in one person - Unfortunately? I have a DS with this Creature of the night nasty woman so still have to talk to her & interact with her to bring him up as best we can?

Anyway I recently (This Feb') met another lady (on POF of All places) who is kind, erudite, caring, sensitive, pretty, lovely to talk to (& very nice to look at to ) & who is basically the antithesis of my ex-fiancee (yes I know what was I thinking being engaged to her ) Most importantly (for my battered heart & hers to as she's been through the mill somewhat also)? This lady likes me very much & Indeed sought me out on POF much to my undying shock at so gorgeous a creation thinking even slightly nice thoughts of me & we began (via FB & online & phone before a couple of eventual meetings that went well) what can only be described as an emotional affair with her & she eventually (after a rather rocky period where I made one very bad mistake & really upset her) told me she'd been falling in love with me.

Anyway? To cut a long story slightly shorter? This angel from above stunning lady whose singlehandedly restoring my faith in womankind? Is 36 to my 34 (as of this year) & so (surprisingly)? Is the first woman I've ever been involved with whose Older than me? Further? We both have one child (me a DS aged 3, she a DD aged 17) are both possessed of similarly sarcastic & very quick senses of humour, finish each others thoughts & sentences on the phone, just click some of the time & feel so right together thus far; I think we might have a long term future if our 'babysteps' towards a poss' relationship (her words & both our idea) come off in short?

Anyway this woman I've found myself falling for come to care a lot for? Is also as of this year around March/April time in a new job after previously being employed as a teacher for around 10 years until this year; I'm not sure but judging by some of the tones & words I've heard from her? (things like "don't feel sorry for me, it's my job, my choice, I'll get used to it, I think") I'm beginning to think that she maybe regrets moving into this job which as far as I know? Is that of a Family Support worker which brings me to the problems.

I am currently involved in a Vicious custody battle over my DS with the Bride of Dracula my ahem not nice ex' and have had all manner of untrue allegations & lies hurled at me both verbally & (eventually) in print in the form of both allegations in court applications & via solicitors letters from her (string of different) briefs; I have replied in kind a little but other than that? have no legal involvement in my life of any sort bar one visit from the police a year ago when we broke up & she lied & Tried to fit me up on a particular charge (which collapsed 2 weeks later & she later admitted lying about & apologised for). Anyway? My new (soon to be fingers crossed) Lady has got very upset re' her job context when I've spoken about what's gone on re' me & ex' & our son along the lines of "how can you put me in this position hearing all this - do you know what I deal with like that every day at work?" but then just to throw another spanner in the works?

She's recently told me when we begin our relationship proper (as opposed to our Current Emotional Affair/Long distance relationship? If 18 miles is long distance - feels like so much more) that I (due to her Job) will have to have extended CRB checks carried out not just on me but my entire family & even house If she were to be staying there regularly with me (even though only me & fortnightly my DS live there right now) further? That as long as any allegations are being maintained against me in Court? She can't deepen our relationship due to this as "I can't be with someone whose had allegations made against them";

Further? I've got a bit of a problem re' PK's due to an operation 7 years ago that almost killed me & left me basically dependent on them & she's told me "I can't be with someone whose dependent on PK's". She's suggested waiting until the case re' My DS is finished & then meeting up & seeing where we go as she's Admitted? Feeling really strongly for me despite all the recent proviso's & prepartory to this & me undergoing the CRB? She's recently started asking me How DS' case is going in certain aspects which I've been frank & open with her about but then? She's telling me later I tell her to much & put her in "impossible positions" again & all the while? I see my ex' parading man after man into & out of her & our Son's life whilst (partly) thanks to her & her Fking allegations? I can't even move on Slightly with a woman I've fallen for in a mahoosive big, big way;

Anyway my question is 4fold I guess? AIBU to Hate my ex' for doing the damage she is doing to me & this possible DP of mine by maintaining allegations that have no basis in reality just out of clear malice, spite & venom (which she's had aplenty for me for a while now; Funny how those we love can hate us so much & vice versa when it all goes wrong ); Secondly AIBU to be not a little confused by (possible) new DP's differing reactions to me re' my DS case despite it's (possible) importance to us in the future or is she as confused about all this as I am? And lastly? AIBU to think she should be as honest with me as I've tried to be with her (she knew all about my problems when we got involved? I made no secret of them on POF and it was never an issue until her new job came about)? She's recently made noises & taken actions that make me think she's getting impatient for the case to end & us to get on & see how we are together or not? But I'm prepared to wait for her & I think we're a good match (she's Taurus & I'm Cancer & the starsigns match if nothing else LoL - Yes a man who believes in those - shocking I know ).

Anyway basically? I've had one hell (with that being the operative word BTW) of a Bad time in my life with romance & this woman even at my age? Is someone who I just get the sense Might be the one & for the first time in my life? I think we Could have something together fingers crossed - I'm sometimes to honest & humble for my own good & sense that may have worked against me here but she did ask me not to lie & hide stuff from her by omission so I took her at her word & did my best to do just as she asked;

Anyhow 4th (& final) question? AIBU to put all I've got into trying to make this work & move on from my battered, ruined husk of a past lovelife to something happier at long, long last? Or am I just wasting my (& her=New DP's) time & it will all end yet again re' me in heartbreak & hurt all around? I'm so worried now that yet another relationship in RL I'm involved in will get shot down before it can even take off. I've let the drawbridge & barriers to my heart down one last time but don't know if? Babarians are going to storm & sack it yet again or I'll finally get the love story & fairytale ending I so have wanted for a long, long time now;

I'm so confused so if anyone can help/advise? I'll appreciate it (& them) lots. I guess in the final analysis? I think really like this Lady (& Know she does me) &? I Really want it to work with her so I'm not in the wrong to not want us destroyed as a couple before we even get started am I? Actually in fact? Scrap what I just said - I don't like her - I'm in love with her - there I've admitted it. It's not wrong of me to want to save & build on that is it? I'm so confused & worried for our future together if that is future there will even be? Right now I just don't know & that really worries me as I've let down all my defences for her & don't want to be hurt again.

Yes I admit it LoL I'm a romantic at heart as you prob' knew from the first paragraph all guessed by now but? Even we have our limits & I? Feel I'm at mine now - One more nasty shock disastrous Relationship of the sort my hearts had all to often in life? Well If that happens? yet again? Then Let's just say I fear it Will finish me with women forever & if only for this lady & what I feel for her as well as my hopes of going on to raise my DS with a lady I love who loves me by my side & just being Happy with her? Well let's just say I really don't want that to happen so for me? I guess now? Is all or nothing time. Here goes nothing..........

Sorry for the length - fire away & again? I will really appreciate any (& all) help & advice so I'm not diving blind as it were (re' the "here goes" bit).

Anyway thanks for taking time to read this & take Care all.

Redline.

AmIthatbad - I've explained since I don't think she's an angel - I said that when I wasn't in the right state to be writing in truth - was upset over something & angry at something else & typed the original OP? All wrong & it came out as a bit of a mess. I've done my best since in the other big post here? To correct that. The Lady in question? Is only human like the rest of us - nothing more? Nothing less. I just care for her a lot & the other night when writing the OP? Let my heart rule my head & that car-crash OP was the result; Suffice to say? I won't be making that mistake again............

Redline, I have read all this thread. My strongest impression is that you are living your life buffeted about like a barrel after a ship-wreck, tossed this way and that: things happen to you and you feel totally out of control - and probably are.

I can see why you feel overwhelmed by everything... But I think you need to re-gain some control over your life.

Just to be absolutely clear: I mean control over your own life, not anyone else's. You are already far, far too focussed on what other people are or are not doing and thinking. You need to focus on what you are or are not doing, and sort out the things you can affect.

As priorities, I would say:

• Get some counselling. Your GP can refer you. There is a type of counselling called CBT/cognitive behavioural therapy that several of my friends have had, that sounds like it might suit you. You could ask about that. But if CBT isn't available, I still think any other form of counselling will help you: you are clearly a man who likes to talk, and who reflects on your own behaviour, and counselling will help you get more understanding of yourself, more focus and more self-control.

• Seek advice regarding your pain-killer addiction. Again, discuss this with your GP. It may be that you could gradually reduce the amount you take. Whether or not that is possible, you clearly need some reminders about using them safely: for instance, morphine and alcohol do not mix (as your original post shows). I can tell you that most sensible women would not get into a relationship with a man with any kind of PK dependency - and certainly one that was not under excellent control.

• Start doing something constructive with your days. I appreciate this is not easy with a long term health problem, PK dependency and possibly mental health issues. But you strike me as a man with far too much time on your hands. You may be able to find some group activities in your local area that would suit you. Google the name of your town + 'pain killer support group' or 'Altogether Better' (a health project that ran nationally over the past 5 years and is still running in some areas) or 'anxiety support', and see what is out there. Or take up a practical hobby, like a craft activity. Or do an evening class. Maybe look for a creative writing course: MN may not like your writing style, but someone out there will! And you will find that with something to do, and a bit more routine in your life, your head will not be so full of problems all the time, and you will start to feel better about yourself and everything else.

• When the court cases are over, focus on practical arrangements for your son. You already know you need to protect your son from getting caught up in the emotional mess, and you need to keep that a top priority. Focus on what he needs to be and feel safe and happy, and try to provide that for him. Understand that your ex is as angry with you as you are with her (and maybe more). You can't control her emotions but you can and should control yours. I don't mean you should repress them or keep them bottled up - but you need to make sure they don't 'spill out' everywhere. Your writing style makes me think that you are more than just an 'expressive' man - you are gushing, and the excessive flow of your emotions is getting in the way of the practical stuff in life. Again, counselling will help.

You owe it to yourself and your son to live your life, not have Life run rough-shod over you, so to speak :)

This relationship is way down your list of priorities, in my opinion. If it has as much potential as you hope, it will last; if it doesn't, it won't. The woman you describe will be relieved and pleased if you can get your life back on track.

Why do you capitalise random words that you bold? That's irritating. Word doesn't do that. You do that.

It wasn't deliberate, it's just how people write normally. I didn't know you had already written those points as I skipped through most of your posts.

If you want help stop faffing about and just be straight. I suspect that would also apply to your real life too.

OK folks, cool it. I agree the typing/writing style is irritating, but frankly it is the very very least of the OP's problems.

If you all reflect for a moment, you'll see the OP has some clear vulnerabilities, and I'd say some mental health issues. You may choose not to be supportive, but I'd say abuse and personal attacks are inappropriate.

TY Flow4 - For listening to me & offering all that advice - I appreciate you taking the time to do that & will do my best to use it well; Anyway? I've read your post & will do my best to act on it ASAP; I Have acted on it in some cases - Did you read of my own 4 point 'boundary' plan to give my life defined boundaries? Is that a good idea? Have I targeted the right problems to solve with it? See what you think;

And yes LoL alcohol & Pk's don't mix hence the car-crash OP. Anyway? Thanks again & will answer in more detail later - For now? I'm off out to pay the bills & try to bring some structure to myself in another day w'out DS here.

NB You're dead right on one thing? I have (& have had for To long now) Far to much time on my hands - That? Is probably one of my biggest problems of all in truth.

TY again Flow4 for listening to me.

Listen up sunshine. Do not tell me where to post ok? You have no say in where I or anyone else posts. I did not call you 'pointless names'. I may very well have insulted you - but to be honest your posts insult my eyes so it's a fair cop. Oh, and I don't think I swore AT you did I? Stop being such a bloody victim and get your shit together.

Hello all; I'm back (at last) after a rather interesting day (& night) since I last posted & (at long, long last) a half-decent sleep from which I've awoken early now due to Very Heavy rain & sleet outside on the windows - not for the first time. And before I go any further? Can I just say?

Why do you think people want to hear that sort of minute detail about your life? Why could you possibly think it is relevant? Its so obvious from the way you write that you are suffering from some kind of psychological disorder.

Can I also point out that your attitude towards women is really strange. You refer to them in odd ways, either as "angels" or devils, obsess about their ages, whether they are young or not, how they react to you is poured over in minute detail.

You are not enough of your own person; you are seeking too much validation from other people, and your target is the women in your life. And of course no woman in her right mind would get involved with someone with your strange attitudes and myriad problems - why would they, when there are so many normal men out there who don't have these issues?

Oh Redline ... I so hope this court case works out for you and you can sort yourself out.

I've gone through annoyance with your posting style and am now at it tbh.

I think your 4 point plan is a good one. Stick to it.

When are you seeing your son again? You obviously get so much joy from parenting him.

I'm not entirely convinced this person is who they say they are, and if they are well then they've got bigger problems than this forum can help with.

His writing style is important, because without being able to understand how can anyone help? His posts are so verbose people simply don't have the time to read and translate what he's said. I stand by my original advice, nothing further can be achieved here.

Redline, I hadn't seen your 4 point plan when I posted, but I have now. It's great that you are coming to these conclusions, and I think it will make a massive difference if you can follow it through... :)

Flow4 makes excellent sense OP print it off and stick it to your fridge where you can see it when the clouds of confusion start to gather. Good luck!

Geegee888, Flow4, Ellargh & Stuntgirl? TY all for listening & talking - it's helped my thoughts a little though I think a number of your points/possibilities you mentioned re' me & ex' & Why we're not together? Were completely wrong Geegee888 though not to far off the mark in other respects. TY anyway all of you who discussed & wrote down answers to me on all this;

BTW if you want a picture of what she was like behind closed doors even when I was with her (though that? Was to everyone bar me & I stupidly? Ignored everyone's warnings as I was in love)? read this thread here;

(www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565326-Feel-lonely-Miserable-Not-sure-What-to-do-Warning-VERY-Long)

Please Read the last but one post here? It might paint a clearer picture of why I have very little regard left for my ex' now & where the rest of my love for her went? I think that might help you understand just How different it was in private for me from public even when I was with the ex' & she loved me never mind now we're apart.

I'll go away, read & digest it all; Have a think on what you added just now & then come back & post a little while from now. OK I am off out now so might write later. TY again for helping & listening all.

Bye for now;

Redline

NB Geegee? I'm not mad or mentally disturbed; Just as Flow4 implied earlier? Someone whose been caught in the whirlpool called life, tossed & battered about on the highwinds & then left to gasp for breath on a beach somewhere miles from home. In short? I've been really badly hurt by life of late & then bashed up again (metaphorically speaking) whilst recovering? whilst I'll take a while to recover in the end? I Will recover - Mark my words.............

Why Madge don't you like me saying where to post? Do you feel insulted? Well that's how I felt when you wrote that stuff to me; I'm sorry if my posting hurt/insulted etc your eyes - you could of told me normally & I'd have tried to rectify that; I don't know re' the swearword - didn't look at the context. There was no need to insult me & start another row - TBH? I get enough of those in real life..........

As to get myself together? What do you think I was on here For & trying to get advice in doing so? Think we're evens now as you say re' insults/nasty words - I'll steer clear of you now if you do me? I've no quarrel with you & don't really want one - Have enough of those in RL TBH.

I can't actually finish reading a single one of your posts. You sound like a drama queen, your whole story has been me, me,me - look at how clever and witty annoying I am with my ability to use bold

I think you need to grow up and sort out the custody of your child like an adult before embarking on another relationship.

With reference to your post to me OP

Now go report that!

GeeGee888? I don't know re' the detail - Maybe as I post to much detailed stuff normal? Thought I'd put something re' aimless detail on etc? I've seen enough people post about things from the weather through to their plans for the afternoon or how their day went on here to what they're up to with DC or pets even ( ) so why couldn't I put something & at that hour? It was chucking it down here & I love the rain at night on the windows.

Again? I'm not suffering from a disorder IMO - just been left hurt & confused of late & taking a while to recover. Can I in turn reply re' women that my attitude to them? Is not normally the same one from the OP - I only wrote that "angel/devil" stuff when extremely stressed & upset - I normally am a lot shyer & more reserved than that when describing them - if I even get that far; I only wrote about GF's age as it was a surprise to me was all to have someone older than me to maybe 'be' with long term.

I agree re' the rections in detail & me pouring over them; I think (& it's only a working theory in truth) that this stems from a few times in quick succession Years ago in my early 20's when I had several bad & quickly over relationships with both women romantically & lost a couple of platonic but Old, old friends & all this? Left a lasting impression on me as a couple of the women in question went behind my back & one of the friends? Was not what they had seemed at all. Basically? I think I've got a morbid fear of being betrayed again if I had to put a name to it & yes I will be discussing that in counselling.

Again? Nail on head GeeGee re' your last point; I don't think I'm anything like enough my own person - I haven't felt that way for years now & think? It might lie at the very core of my problems. Targeting the women in my life? Never thought of it like that - now you mention it? That worries me re' me; As to who I or indeed any woman gets involved with in "their right mind" or not? 'tis not up to us I think - we fall for Who we fall for & she? Came looking for & contacted me at the very first instance I spoke to her - she came back & started talking again after we'd had a period apart in the summer to due to a big row - don't forget that please. I agree women prob' don't want to get involved with me & my attitudes/problems etc but as to normal men being out there with no issues - are you sure? Everyone's got issues & problems nowadays in this benighted world - Some? Just hide it Far, far better than others is all but you can rest assured that somewhere? The problems are there & one way or another for all of us? They always will be...............

As to me? Yes I think I'm seeking to much validation from others & am planning to do something big about that with help from counsellor & maybe GP in the near future - In fact if I had to put a name to my biggest problem? I think it would be this above all else? I think what I really have to do now? Is Find myself - Do that? And the rest will follow...................

Feckless? I read Flow4 at length & agree with you.

Stuntgirl? I am who I say I am - why wouldn't I be?

Fluffyraggies? Will do my best re' the 4 point plan; Haha Yes re' DS; Hmm, My son? When am I next seeing him? I'm seeing him again........ponders - wrestles calendar to find right page; There, Yep, I've got him over a week on Fri' (next after this) through to the Sun' that week. And yes - I can't put into word just how much I love parenting him

Madge? I'm not reporting anything - I don't want a war with you Miss; (Sighs wearily); I never did - just think we got off on the wrong foot is all; Anyway? I just don't want you to insult me again was all; I didn't think it was nice is all & would much prefer to just be called out on mistakes instead of launched at as before; Can we have done with that now please?

laptopcomputer? I was only talking about me as there was a lot of issues surrounding & upsetting me & I just wanted help plotting a way through the minefields was all; I got that & appreciate it. I am sorting out my son's custody ahead of all else now - There's only 1 more hearing left & then? That's it.........Fingers crossed. The other reason I'm talking about myself is? I know a lot of the problems surrounding me involve or originate with me & I'm trying to resolve them (with any help I get) from here so that in future in RL (& online)? I don't hurt as many people as I have in the past without thinking what I say or who I say it to & in short? I'm trying to become a better, more emotionally mature & sensitive want to help myself get better inside & like myself again & even find myself - then? I think the rest will fall into place As to another relationship? I've already said I put the one I was getting into to one side for now much though that hurt.

Makeitalarge? As do I re' Flow4;

We seem very alike in some ways LoL - in the lifetime ago that I was at uni'? I went through whole jotter note pads with a few lessons notes & page after page after page etc to make 3 or 4 (could have been small) points; This wound up my teachers no end though I always thought notes were meant to be thorough? Anyway it annoyed them as I say the school staff but it esp' got the back up of my history lecturer who said she hated marking my work & in the end? Introduced me to what she called the "meataxe method" as in taking one to it & chopping, words, letters & paragraphs etc out to leave the Very barest minimum to get your point across; Trouble with that is sometimes? I'd end up taking to much off & messing up work - further problem? It's a Very long time Since I used that method & I don't know if I'll still remember i? I can but try I guess.

I do enjoy writing yes - No I don't have a diary or blog though thought about starting one or the other at times & will certainly keep that in mind now re' storing feelings there & being short, succinct here.

I know I had abuse (some of it warranted for that car-crash OP) TY re' your kind words; Re' standing ground? I was born under the starsign of Cancer & whilst we move sideways often to sidestep conflict & hate straight out battles? If we really want something or are determined to fight for it? We'll use our shells as armour, stand our ground like a limpet mine & fight to the bloody minded finish before Ever giving an inch & on much of this thread? Well let's just say I've probably been in Full limpet mode for a little while now & am not moving from that anytime soon .
I know I've had a lot of problems & am maybe dwelling on them a bit which in turn might let them damage &/or try to destroy me but in truth? I've been trying to line up the problems one by one & work through them - trouble is? As I solve one - another 2 appear like the ancient Hydra which lost one head & got 2 more I'm trying to move on but by trying to tackle them one by one am I doing this the wrong way do you think? If so what should I do/how should I do it IYO Makeitalarge?
Yes I've sensed for a while I'm doing/have done something wrong re' my attitude to women & That other than the "finding myself" & sorting out my son's future parts of all this? Is the problem I most want to sort out out so how do I begin doing that? And yes you'd guess right re' the social interaction with other people in RL - I really do Not like going out unless I really have to in truth? Have hated doing that (going out) for years now. Get out & make friends/try to rebuild some sort of social network for myself yes? I can try that & see where it goes - TY for your advice again all & will look at/do my best to (follow) implement into my life well in future as best as I can - Will it work? We shall see...............

OK bye for now.

Redline

Same re' you Ghostship?

You've just done it again in that very sentence!

If Redline has been writing this way since university, it's a bit much to expect him to be able to change his writing style within the time-frame of a single thread.

He's said he's taking the advice he's gained from this thread and will do his best to put his plans into action. What more is he reasonably expected to do?

TY coppertop - I've always used/overused questionmarks since uni' yes but the other stuff like symbols & bold etc? Don't know How I got into that in truth - think I used it once to emphasise some words in 4th year at Seniors School during the class of a teacher I (& not a few others) absolutely hated & it just stuck from there esp' given how red his fa ce went when we saw him see what we'd written & what was purposely wrong with All our work papers lol (A largeish group of us did it first as a prank IIRR? - We all used a different symbol to annoy him so one had question marks, all over it, one bold writing & normal, one italic script & so on; 'twas highly funny for a while); As I said? Old habits & all that.........

Anyway - from now on? I will try & apply the adice to both my typing & RL situations - Fingers crossed........

Sorry GhostShip - I did say I'm Trying to learn - Trudges wearily back to blackboard - might take a while to sink in................