To worry that this *Could* destroy us before we really get started together? (Long)

[Redline]

Hi Not sure how to put this as I'm a man & not used to but getting lots of practice of late via MN lol writing about my thoughts & emotions? But will give it a go so bear with me if I'm over-descriptive somewhat in what follows; I'm someone who is normally very unlucky in love & recently got out of the lower depths of Hell a Very bad relationship with a woman who was about as close to the personification of pure evil as can be imagined in one person - Unfortunately? I have a DS with this Creature of the night nasty woman so still have to talk to her & interact with her to bring him up as best we can?

Anyway I recently (This Feb') met another lady (on POF of All places) who is kind, erudite, caring, sensitive, pretty, lovely to talk to (& very nice to look at to ) & who is basically the antithesis of my ex-fiancee (yes I know what was I thinking being engaged to her ) Most importantly (for my battered heart & hers to as she's been through the mill somewhat also)? This lady likes me very much & Indeed sought me out on POF much to my undying shock at so gorgeous a creation thinking even slightly nice thoughts of me & we began (via FB & online & phone before a couple of eventual meetings that went well) what can only be described as an emotional affair with her & she eventually (after a rather rocky period where I made one very bad mistake & really upset her) told me she'd been falling in love with me.

Anyway? To cut a long story slightly shorter? This angel from above stunning lady whose singlehandedly restoring my faith in womankind? Is 36 to my 34 (as of this year) & so (surprisingly)? Is the first woman I've ever been involved with whose Older than me? Further? We both have one child (me a DS aged 3, she a DD aged 17) are both possessed of similarly sarcastic & very quick senses of humour, finish each others thoughts & sentences on the phone, just click some of the time & feel so right together thus far; I think we might have a long term future if our 'babysteps' towards a poss' relationship (her words & both our idea) come off in short?

Anyway this woman I've found myself falling for come to care a lot for? Is also as of this year around March/April time in a new job after previously being employed as a teacher for around 10 years until this year; I'm not sure but judging by some of the tones & words I've heard from her? (things like "don't feel sorry for me, it's my job, my choice, I'll get used to it, I think") I'm beginning to think that she maybe regrets moving into this job which as far as I know? Is that of a Family Support worker which brings me to the problems.

I am currently involved in a Vicious custody battle over my DS with the Bride of Dracula my ahem not nice ex' and have had all manner of untrue allegations & lies hurled at me both verbally & (eventually) in print in the form of both allegations in court applications & via solicitors letters from her (string of different) briefs; I have replied in kind a little but other than that? have no legal involvement in my life of any sort bar one visit from the police a year ago when we broke up & she lied & Tried to fit me up on a particular charge (which collapsed 2 weeks later & she later admitted lying about & apologised for). Anyway? My new (soon to be fingers crossed) Lady has got very upset re' her job context when I've spoken about what's gone on re' me & ex' & our son along the lines of "how can you put me in this position hearing all this - do you know what I deal with like that every day at work?" but then just to throw another spanner in the works?

She's recently told me when we begin our relationship proper (as opposed to our Current Emotional Affair/Long distance relationship? If 18 miles is long distance - feels like so much more) that I (due to her Job) will have to have extended CRB checks carried out not just on me but my entire family & even house If she were to be staying there regularly with me (even though only me & fortnightly my DS live there right now) further? That as long as any allegations are being maintained against me in Court? She can't deepen our relationship due to this as "I can't be with someone whose had allegations made against them";

Further? I've got a bit of a problem re' PK's due to an operation 7 years ago that almost killed me & left me basically dependent on them & she's told me "I can't be with someone whose dependent on PK's". She's suggested waiting until the case re' My DS is finished & then meeting up & seeing where we go as she's Admitted? Feeling really strongly for me despite all the recent proviso's & prepartory to this & me undergoing the CRB? She's recently started asking me How DS' case is going in certain aspects which I've been frank & open with her about but then? She's telling me later I tell her to much & put her in "impossible positions" again & all the while? I see my ex' parading man after man into & out of her & our Son's life whilst (partly) thanks to her & her Fking allegations? I can't even move on Slightly with a woman I've fallen for in a mahoosive big, big way;

Anyway my question is 4fold I guess? AIBU to Hate my ex' for doing the damage she is doing to me & this possible DP of mine by maintaining allegations that have no basis in reality just out of clear malice, spite & venom (which she's had aplenty for me for a while now; Funny how those we love can hate us so much & vice versa when it all goes wrong ); Secondly AIBU to be not a little confused by (possible) new DP's differing reactions to me re' my DS case despite it's (possible) importance to us in the future or is she as confused about all this as I am? And lastly? AIBU to think she should be as honest with me as I've tried to be with her (she knew all about my problems when we got involved? I made no secret of them on POF and it was never an issue until her new job came about)? She's recently made noises & taken actions that make me think she's getting impatient for the case to end & us to get on & see how we are together or not? But I'm prepared to wait for her & I think we're a good match (she's Taurus & I'm Cancer & the starsigns match if nothing else LoL - Yes a man who believes in those - shocking I know ).

Anyway basically? I've had one hell (with that being the operative word BTW) of a Bad time in my life with romance & this woman even at my age? Is someone who I just get the sense Might be the one & for the first time in my life? I think we Could have something together fingers crossed - I'm sometimes to honest & humble for my own good & sense that may have worked against me here but she did ask me not to lie & hide stuff from her by omission so I took her at her word & did my best to do just as she asked;

Anyhow 4th (& final) question? AIBU to put all I've got into trying to make this work & move on from my battered, ruined husk of a past lovelife to something happier at long, long last? Or am I just wasting my (& her=New DP's) time & it will all end yet again re' me in heartbreak & hurt all around? I'm so worried now that yet another relationship in RL I'm involved in will get shot down before it can even take off. I've let the drawbridge & barriers to my heart down one last time but don't know if? Babarians are going to storm & sack it yet again or I'll finally get the love story & fairytale ending I so have wanted for a long, long time now;

I'm so confused so if anyone can help/advise? I'll appreciate it (& them) lots. I guess in the final analysis? I think really like this Lady (& Know she does me) &? I Really want it to work with her so I'm not in the wrong to not want us destroyed as a couple before we even get started am I? Actually in fact? Scrap what I just said - I don't like her - I'm in love with her - there I've admitted it. It's not wrong of me to want to save & build on that is it? I'm so confused & worried for our future together if that is future there will even be? Right now I just don't know & that really worries me as I've let down all my defences for her & don't want to be hurt again.

Yes I admit it LoL I'm a romantic at heart as you prob' knew from the first paragraph all guessed by now but? Even we have our limits & I? Feel I'm at mine now - One more nasty shock disastrous Relationship of the sort my hearts had all to often in life? Well If that happens? yet again? Then Let's just say I fear it Will finish me with women forever & if only for this lady & what I feel for her as well as my hopes of going on to raise my DS with a lady I love who loves me by my side & just being Happy with her? Well let's just say I really don't want that to happen so for me? I guess now? Is all or nothing time. Here goes nothing..........

Sorry for the length - fire away & again? I will really appreciate any (& all) help & advice so I'm not diving blind as it were (re' the "here goes" bit).

Anyway thanks for taking time to read this & take Care all.

Redline.

In fact, the posters on here remind me very much of that "I'm a prefect" video, goading and taunting a vulnerable innocent person.

Sorry but I'd have said the same.

Although I agree with your association... and yes, that bugs me also.

Male or female, the op waffled so much that it was hard to think anyone in his life would feel like they had room to express themselves.. white noise.

scheherezade I do agree in theory, that there's a massive difference in reaction regarding a male op and a female. However, I think many people HAVE been fair... as far as forums go the op 'talks' a lot and listens little... and male or female, I kind of feel sorry for the new 'potential' partner for that alone. (The references to 'angel' and 'demon' I take with a pinch of salt to be honest, not my taste of vocabulary but hey ho).

If you are really interested, LadyBeagle, I can:

The OP has met someone he really likes and thinks he is falling in love.

He has had a really, really shit time. He has had a very messy and bitter breakdown to his previous relationship, and is still in the middle of stressful legal proceedings (so stressful that he broke down and cried after the last day in court, the day before yesterday, and his barrister was so sorry for him that she hugged him).

He is really worried about custody arrangements for his son, and about how the boy will be affected by the bitterness between him and his ex.

He can't work and he doesn't have many friends, so he doesn't get out much.

On top of this, he has a terrible injury that means he has metal plates in his face, and almost constant pain and frequent blinding headaches. As a result he has developed a dependency on prescription pain-killers.

I'd also say he has mental health problems, though he doesn't say so himself.

He is miserable and stressed and lonely and things have felt very bleak indeed. He faces real-life abuse as well as abuse here, possibly because he is a bit odd. Despite this, he tries to keep his sense of humour and humanity (he didn't say that - it's my opinion).

The woman he has met is the first nice thing that has happened to him in a very long time. He is desperately afraid all the shit in his life will put her off. In fact, he isn't stupid, and he knows it is putting her off. He is pretty devastated by that. He thinks he is going to lose her just as he's getting involved, and he doesn't know if he can stand it.

His original post didn't have a clear AIBU because he was drunk and grief-stricken and panicked, but if he'd expressed himself more clearly, it might have been something like "AIBU to hope for happiness after all this shit?" or "AIBU to panic now?" or "AIBU to feel like my heart is breaking?"

I have rarely seen a poster more deserving of compassion. And I have never seen a poster so badly abused.

It has disgusted and upset me.

come on one and all here

take your aggression out on someone who deserves it

Bravo, flow.

I think the waffling as so many people have called it could be due to the pain killers

Give me a few tramadol or strong co codamol and I probably don't always make as much sense as I think. Actually give me a few vodkas and the same might happen.

What's? With? All? The? Question? Marks? Very? Irritating?

TY Flow4, Moominsarescary & HappyHalloweenMF & all others who wrote here with understanding &/or kind words;

Your understanding & compassion to me meant a lot to read & your words Flow4 touched me as they showed me some people Do listen & try to understand. TY for all you've written & for not condemning me out of hand.

So you & those who don't think to much of me can put a face to me & see if I do indeed look like an idiot/nutcase/loopy etc? And so you can judge for yourselves how happy my little boy & me are with each other or not?

Take a look at the link below

This is me & my boy;

www.mumsnet.com/member/manage-photos

Anyway? I wasn't going to write here again but thought I'd just put this down as thanks to you all & the others here who wrote kindly to me. I know I'm not easy to understand & can be annoying at times, but I only wanted help &/or advice - to those who gave me it? Thank you all from my heart.

If that link doesn't work? Try this one;

www.mumsnet.com/member/photo-preview

Just thought I'd show I'm not a complete maniac as some seem to think is all;

Anyway thanks to all those who helped & answered me again. I really appreciate it and feel happier for knowing you all cared.

BTW Flow4? Your summary is basically All that's happened to me in a concise little nutshell for the past 7 years or so since my life changed completely? You put it Far better than I ever could but that? Is basically me & is all true (inc' my fears/feelings etc). TY for summarising it so well.

Redline I don't really have any advice to offer but I just wanted to say that I really hope things get better for you and your life starts to be easier. Please take no notice of the unhelpful comments on here but relationships might be a better place to post next time for a more understanding response. Good luck.

TY Westernwind - I'll remember that & go to Relationships next time then. TY for your good luck wishes to - Suspect I might need them in the next month or so.............

Kudos Flow. Wise words indeed. You succeeded where so many of us failed.

I am ashamed.

Good Luck Redline.

Redline, I agree with what some of the other nice, helpful posters have suggested.

You really should get some counselling. I was in a violent relationship for years and it takes a long time to sort out your feelings about this.

Also, perhaps I'm not understanding this properly, so correct me if I'm not, but you don't seem to have much self esteem and I think the counselling would really help with that.

You sound like a wonderful father who just wants the best for his son. I hope the court case goes well for you.

As to the new woman you've met, it's just my opinion but I think you've started a new realtionship far too early. I think you need some time on your own to just concentrate on you and making yourself better. You need to love yourself first and foremost before embarking on anything new then you'll be in a much stronger position to deal with everything.

I wish you lots of luck, you sound like you've been having a terrible time and I hope life improves for you soon.

I feel quite bad now :(

Redline I didn't call you any names but I did complain about your posting style and I shouldn't have. I could have just left the thread and said nothing so I apologise.

I sincerely hope things work out well for you.

I'm glad you felt able to come back, Redline.

Wishing you and your boy the very best of luck.

That just shows me my photos.

BTW just to ask is there a way to link to your photo gallery on MN so others can use the link to see it? If so what do you do? Just wondered as I have a couple of nice photos on there & being a (Very) proud daddy? Thought you wouldn't mind seeing my munchkin either? Anyway if not? Doesn't matter - the other link I posted just now (twitter?) does work, I know that much.

I think your profile is set to private, so we can't click on your name which would link to it.

What a lovely post flow.

OP, good luck to you. It sounds like you've had a very rough time (putting it mildly). A word of warning though - please don't give out information like you and your sons real names online.

Red, if there is an ongoing court case, I'm not sure it's a good idea to link RL names and photographs

Just a thought.

Your ds is lovely, btw, but maybe report your post with the twitter link which also links in with your FB.

oh, and stick with twitter, I think the character limit on posts is more suited to your style

Hello there OP
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