To worry that this *Could* destroy us before we really get started together? (Long)

[Redline]

Hi Not sure how to put this as I'm a man & not used to but getting lots of practice of late via MN lol writing about my thoughts & emotions? But will give it a go so bear with me if I'm over-descriptive somewhat in what follows; I'm someone who is normally very unlucky in love & recently got out of the lower depths of Hell a Very bad relationship with a woman who was about as close to the personification of pure evil as can be imagined in one person - Unfortunately? I have a DS with this Creature of the night nasty woman so still have to talk to her & interact with her to bring him up as best we can?

Anyway I recently (This Feb') met another lady (on POF of All places) who is kind, erudite, caring, sensitive, pretty, lovely to talk to (& very nice to look at to ) & who is basically the antithesis of my ex-fiancee (yes I know what was I thinking being engaged to her ) Most importantly (for my battered heart & hers to as she's been through the mill somewhat also)? This lady likes me very much & Indeed sought me out on POF much to my undying shock at so gorgeous a creation thinking even slightly nice thoughts of me & we began (via FB & online & phone before a couple of eventual meetings that went well) what can only be described as an emotional affair with her & she eventually (after a rather rocky period where I made one very bad mistake & really upset her) told me she'd been falling in love with me.

Anyway? To cut a long story slightly shorter? This angel from above stunning lady whose singlehandedly restoring my faith in womankind? Is 36 to my 34 (as of this year) & so (surprisingly)? Is the first woman I've ever been involved with whose Older than me? Further? We both have one child (me a DS aged 3, she a DD aged 17) are both possessed of similarly sarcastic & very quick senses of humour, finish each others thoughts & sentences on the phone, just click some of the time & feel so right together thus far; I think we might have a long term future if our 'babysteps' towards a poss' relationship (her words & both our idea) come off in short?

Anyway this woman I've found myself falling for come to care a lot for? Is also as of this year around March/April time in a new job after previously being employed as a teacher for around 10 years until this year; I'm not sure but judging by some of the tones & words I've heard from her? (things like "don't feel sorry for me, it's my job, my choice, I'll get used to it, I think") I'm beginning to think that she maybe regrets moving into this job which as far as I know? Is that of a Family Support worker which brings me to the problems.

I am currently involved in a Vicious custody battle over my DS with the Bride of Dracula my ahem not nice ex' and have had all manner of untrue allegations & lies hurled at me both verbally & (eventually) in print in the form of both allegations in court applications & via solicitors letters from her (string of different) briefs; I have replied in kind a little but other than that? have no legal involvement in my life of any sort bar one visit from the police a year ago when we broke up & she lied & Tried to fit me up on a particular charge (which collapsed 2 weeks later & she later admitted lying about & apologised for). Anyway? My new (soon to be fingers crossed) Lady has got very upset re' her job context when I've spoken about what's gone on re' me & ex' & our son along the lines of "how can you put me in this position hearing all this - do you know what I deal with like that every day at work?" but then just to throw another spanner in the works?

She's recently told me when we begin our relationship proper (as opposed to our Current Emotional Affair/Long distance relationship? If 18 miles is long distance - feels like so much more) that I (due to her Job) will have to have extended CRB checks carried out not just on me but my entire family & even house If she were to be staying there regularly with me (even though only me & fortnightly my DS live there right now) further? That as long as any allegations are being maintained against me in Court? She can't deepen our relationship due to this as "I can't be with someone whose had allegations made against them";

Further? I've got a bit of a problem re' PK's due to an operation 7 years ago that almost killed me & left me basically dependent on them & she's told me "I can't be with someone whose dependent on PK's". She's suggested waiting until the case re' My DS is finished & then meeting up & seeing where we go as she's Admitted? Feeling really strongly for me despite all the recent proviso's & prepartory to this & me undergoing the CRB? She's recently started asking me How DS' case is going in certain aspects which I've been frank & open with her about but then? She's telling me later I tell her to much & put her in "impossible positions" again & all the while? I see my ex' parading man after man into & out of her & our Son's life whilst (partly) thanks to her & her Fking allegations? I can't even move on Slightly with a woman I've fallen for in a mahoosive big, big way;

Anyway my question is 4fold I guess? AIBU to Hate my ex' for doing the damage she is doing to me & this possible DP of mine by maintaining allegations that have no basis in reality just out of clear malice, spite & venom (which she's had aplenty for me for a while now; Funny how those we love can hate us so much & vice versa when it all goes wrong ); Secondly AIBU to be not a little confused by (possible) new DP's differing reactions to me re' my DS case despite it's (possible) importance to us in the future or is she as confused about all this as I am? And lastly? AIBU to think she should be as honest with me as I've tried to be with her (she knew all about my problems when we got involved? I made no secret of them on POF and it was never an issue until her new job came about)? She's recently made noises & taken actions that make me think she's getting impatient for the case to end & us to get on & see how we are together or not? But I'm prepared to wait for her & I think we're a good match (she's Taurus & I'm Cancer & the starsigns match if nothing else LoL - Yes a man who believes in those - shocking I know ).

Anyway basically? I've had one hell (with that being the operative word BTW) of a Bad time in my life with romance & this woman even at my age? Is someone who I just get the sense Might be the one & for the first time in my life? I think we Could have something together fingers crossed - I'm sometimes to honest & humble for my own good & sense that may have worked against me here but she did ask me not to lie & hide stuff from her by omission so I took her at her word & did my best to do just as she asked;

Anyhow 4th (& final) question? AIBU to put all I've got into trying to make this work & move on from my battered, ruined husk of a past lovelife to something happier at long, long last? Or am I just wasting my (& her=New DP's) time & it will all end yet again re' me in heartbreak & hurt all around? I'm so worried now that yet another relationship in RL I'm involved in will get shot down before it can even take off. I've let the drawbridge & barriers to my heart down one last time but don't know if? Babarians are going to storm & sack it yet again or I'll finally get the love story & fairytale ending I so have wanted for a long, long time now;

I'm so confused so if anyone can help/advise? I'll appreciate it (& them) lots. I guess in the final analysis? I think really like this Lady (& Know she does me) &? I Really want it to work with her so I'm not in the wrong to not want us destroyed as a couple before we even get started am I? Actually in fact? Scrap what I just said - I don't like her - I'm in love with her - there I've admitted it. It's not wrong of me to want to save & build on that is it? I'm so confused & worried for our future together if that is future there will even be? Right now I just don't know & that really worries me as I've let down all my defences for her & don't want to be hurt again.

Yes I admit it LoL I'm a romantic at heart as you prob' knew from the first paragraph all guessed by now but? Even we have our limits & I? Feel I'm at mine now - One more nasty shock disastrous Relationship of the sort my hearts had all to often in life? Well If that happens? yet again? Then Let's just say I fear it Will finish me with women forever & if only for this lady & what I feel for her as well as my hopes of going on to raise my DS with a lady I love who loves me by my side & just being Happy with her? Well let's just say I really don't want that to happen so for me? I guess now? Is all or nothing time. Here goes nothing..........

Sorry for the length - fire away & again? I will really appreciate any (& all) help & advice so I'm not diving blind as it were (re' the "here goes" bit).

Anyway thanks for taking time to read this & take Care all.

Redline.

kiwi i thought that too, but wimped out of saying it :(

What dearprudence has asked. What was the major mistake that upset her? It could have been bad enough for her to hesitate, then maybe she's added that to all the other baggage (hers as well) and just thought it is just too tricky to go there.

A new relationship should be good on both sides. Do you rant about your ex? You say you're honest, that's good, but I suspect you're too honest. Your GF will be (if her job is as you say) counselling people all day every day, listening to their trauma, and when she logs on to talk to the man who she rather likes, has to counsell him too.

Re: the painkillers. You need to book a review at your GP. You may need them still, you may not. My DH took a year to come off strong painkillers even though he had very vaild reasons for being on them, only after his review did he have his dose lessened and can now manage without.

Re: the ex. That is your son's mother, like it or not and you should try to get into the habit of speaking about her politely and with respect to your son. You don't have to like her, you may be right about her, but this isn't about her, or you, it's about your son... your GF certainly doesn't need to hear such venom. I suspect you rant about her more than you think.

Your post is very difficult to read. I am very longwinded, I use more words than I should, but my goodness from your op alone I doubt there's any room for silence, or for someone else to speak, or to be heard. I haven't read any more of your posts I'm sorry, but they just seem like yadadadadadadadada, white noise. Maybe break them down into one succinct point to tackle at a time?

Good luck. A CRB check by the way is simply the filling in of a form. If you have issue with one, you either don't about them or have something you don't wish to come out.

I think you need counselling.

You may well be in love with her honeychild but by the sound of it she is trying to distance herself from you and may well think you are a dick. What a good university you went to if you learnt to write in that errr manner.

Just read OP's thread from September and I was right.He's not a teacher < thank Christ > It's his new internet lady who was but now isn't as she has a new job which requires an extended CRB check apparently.OP says that he has the makings of a law degree bar the actual qualification.So not too complicated then.

Hello all; I'm back (at last) after a rather interesting day (& night) since I last posted & (at long, long last) a half-decent sleep from which I've awoken early now due to Very Heavy rain & sleet outside on the windows - not for the first time. And before I go any further? Can I just say? I'm normally Very articulate & halfway decent at expressing myself by writing but when I wrote That post yesterday? I was not in a good place as I'd just read the Full SS report re' my son (inc' everything from both mine & the ex's side of things) & learned in the process a number of things re' my son & her 'care' of him that Really upset me & left my temper by the end? Utterly volcanic & me in v' bad mood indeed which coupled with even more worry re' my DS due to what I read? Was not a good place to end up in.

As such - I was slightly tipsy after a glass or two of wine when I posted with the result that the OP ended up as an utter car-crash which kind of defined the thread & I'm sorry for that as I didn't want the discussion to go the way it did at all & yes I know I'm guilty of that as anyone via that train-wreck of an OP. Further the court battle I'm currently undergoing against my ex'? Also includes a battle over the tenancy of the (2 bedroom) house we once shared which I've now maintained on my own for a year (she has gone back to her parents 4 bed home & they've happily had her & my DS there when he's not with me) & where my son stays when he's with me?

Anyway, this house I'm in right now is one which my son knows as "Daddy's house" & which I've redecorated (at considerable expense) & built into as child-friendly a home as I can all for him? He has toys, little books & dens all over it as well as his clothes everywhere & basically whatever happens within his mum's life? I want this house to always be his Haven and a solid anchor in his little life that he can always come back to & have as one of his main constants as me, my B' & S' once had our parents home also? So the prospect that I might now after upholding & redecorating & doing up for my DS lose the tenancy & end up possibly on the streets with nowhere to go right on top of So close to Christmas? Has been weighing me down, playing on my mind & leaving me very frightened & scared of late at times also which may also have coloured the mess I made of the OP - Basically? I spent all last night up worrying about just that very real possibility in truth & again, it was not a good place to be.........

As to those asking Why I had a child with my ex' if she was so very bad & nasty? Simple, she (& I) weren't always like this to one another; I loved her (& she me) once very much indeed; We were engaged twice also & spent 6 years together; As to our DS? He was a baby me & her did not even Know existed for around 4 months (she got pregnant with the implant in her arm? The 1 in 100 who Does so as her then Dr' put it IIRR?); Anyway? We never Knew of our boy's existence until she'd missed her first scan & we did pregnancy tests (4 positive) just before bonfire night on 4th November 2008 which is appropriate I guess given the fireworks ever since over him but still - The idea of getting rid of him? was abhorrent to us both & not Ever an option - We both loved him from the first moment we saw & heard him & I've spoken to him since several months before he was born so he knows me Very well & always smiles when Daddy is mentioned as I do at the very Thought of his dear little face & whatever our differences? Me & his mother do our best to Try & remain civil in person on the rare occasions we're together around him nowadays, hard though that has become at times of late at times.

Anyhow? re' Why did we have him? Our DS arrived at 2.58 AM (after 1 hour in hospital!! [shocked] )on Sunday 17th May 2009 & everything changed for all of us & both his families; He's been the centre of our worlds ever since - very different though those worlds have now become; As to me & his mum at the time & why we went through with all this at the time? Simple I loved her at the time & loved Him from the moment I first saw (& heard) him; She loved me & him & us & we all thought? We were going to be a happy little family but then Right at the end of that year? We lost a DD she'd been carrying at around 6 months after she'd got pregnant again very quickly & things started to go wrong between us after that ( I think? She wanted a DD more than Anything else & that loss? Gutted her & eventually? Turned our love to hate). As to me? I doubt I'll ever have another child now so my son is All I'll ever have in terms of DC & I love him more than I ever thought I could another person. That's mainly why I've fought So very hard for him? I was 30 when he was born & had no clue for 4 months he was there - my whole family thought I'd never be a dad & suddenly? I was. I even looked for My dad when they said "do you want to hold him dad?" after he'd been born is a good indicator of just How unprepared I was [embarrassed]

Anyway just to reply to what someone said earlier re' me not mentioning him much sometimes on this thread? My DS means the world to me BTW & always Will - he means more than any one woman right now & his smile lights up my life every time I see it & him. I don't always mention my love for him & how strong it is as I doubt I can put it into words; Basically? I love him so very much & always will...............

OK with all that in mind? I read all the responses both the nice & useful ones & the not so helpful & downright nasty ones - I thank you all for taking the time to reply & will answer as best I can in due course. Suffice to say? A Lot has happened since last I spoke and many things which weren't before? Are now Much clearer with regard to the path I'm going to take from here & I'm in a Far better place than I was yesterday in many ways. Anyhow? this is what happened roughly.

I went to court as I said & had a barrister there who was a young lady who did very well on my behalf in upholding & presenting my concerns re' my son to the Judge & though we didn't see Him this time (first time in 3 hearings) - my contact was reinforced & strengthened - then? She & I had a long chat in one of the anterooms re' everything & she offered to talk to me about my ex' if that's what I wanted to do as she had counselling experience (she said used to work on Childline & Samaritans voluntarily before qualifying?) & for the first time Ever? I told another person in RL about what Really went on with my ex' after things went wrong with us; And once it started? It All came out in a flood like a dam had burst. She said she'd keep it to herself per my request as we're trying to work together with my ex' now for my son's sake & the Judge in our case? Really does Not like conflict of that sort where it can be avoided - suffice to say by the end? I was nearly in tears as it was Very hard to tell her some of what went on behind closed doors.

Soon after this? She ended up hugging me & saying how brave I'd been in working up the courage to do that & in actually telling her (the worst part was describing Why I flinch when ladies hug me now - I think my mum's noticed that & asked me numerous times but she never knew Why until today - I spoke to her about it soon afterwards); After me & the barrister were finished talking? I got some numbers re' counselling services off her & will look into those soon (see below). I then composed myself & left the court with my mum in limbo for another 3 weeks until the final decisions are made in this --bitter, endless dispute- long & dragging case in early November.

Anyway? I believe in an earlier thread I posted re' all this back in September? I expressed myself Far better than here in the OP there & there was a lot more detail re' my ex' & what I went through at her hands as well as how complex my feelings were (& are) to her? Most of said detail is in the 2nd to bottom paragraph & that thread? Is found here;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1565326-Feel-lonely-Miserable-Not-sure-What-to-do-Warning-VERY-Long

To conclude - Since I got home; I've taken some of what I've seen in the myriad of many different & useful replies I had to my original post & the info' my barrister gave me & drawn up a 4 point plan (some of which is already in practice) to improve my life & give it the sense of clearly defined boundaries I now Know it (& me) are so severely lacking in; These points are as follows;

1; I will (& already Have) speak to my GP re' All my medications & institute with him a set plan for withdrawal from the particular PK's I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to now & have been for a while. It's hard work but that's going slowly towards plan right now & I need less of them now than I did before but am far from out of the woods yet & sometimes? It's sheer Hell re' needing them but single steps - one at a time & Not backsliding? Will get me there I think.

2: I will ring & speak to someone regarding arranging long-term counselling for all I've been through re' illness, various forms of abuse & emotional problems/trouble expressing myself in my life; I don't know but due to Some of what went on? I've a feeling I'll be better speaking to a woman as some of what I spoke of to my Barrister yesterday afternoon? I simply would not have Told a man any of that I don't think. It was hard enough telling a woman & I'm still shocked I mentioned it at all never mind went through it All like I did in the end. Suffice to say - I was brought up by a very old-fashioned father who simply doesn't believe in talking about such things if you're a man & further? Sometimes acts like they Don't happen to men - I now know all to clearly that they do..............

3: I will make my son's case the Sole priority in my life again & put everything else on hold Until it's finished insofar as I am able to - That is doubly essential given some of the shocking things I learned in the SS report the other day that rather upset me before I posted here last night; Again? I have already begun the process of making the case & it's successful conclusion central to All I am doing right now & fingers crossed? This is the final time I'll have to do it before the end of it in November. I suppose I stopped doing this re' the case for a month or so before today as I was (& am) just So very tired & worn out by the endless battle involved. I feel drained by it tbh at times. Utterly drained & bereft of energy sometimes so much so? I find it hard to get going in the mornings.

4: I will ring my GF tomorrow or whenever she's next off-shift (& not on-call) & explain all this to her insofar as I am able re' us being together & say to her I think I Need to back away a while to give us both space while I tie up the other issues in my life that have damn near finished our fledgling relationship at times before we've even started & yes I know she's not an angel & I haven't put her on a pedestal (anymore than my ex' is a devil or demon) & in truth? I was just rather overwrought & upset last night was all & so spoke as I did re' both of them - I'm sorry to anyone who read it here if it came across wrong - I wasn't thinking straight when I wrote it. Anyhow? I've calmed down now & I Know GF is as human as anyone else. I do however care for her very much possibly behind only my son & Family & that affection is growing all the time & each time (only several right now) we've met.

Basically? I think I'll tell GF that I really care for & have great affection for her but don't want to upset her anymore with my dramas & that as I Need to focus all my energies on fighting & winning the other battles mentioned here & Relearning How to love myself again? (She said & she is right "How can you love another person if you don't love yourself? & you Don't love yourself do you S? (My real name)" Suffice to say she's right - I don't love myself right now (quite the opposite in fact at times); Anyway? I will go away & do what I can to change all that & then later in a few months maybe? I'll go back to her & see how she is about us reconnecting when I can devote All my time & energy to her & us which after all? Is the very least she deserves. In the end? I just want to make her happy & us to Be happy together if there's the slightest chance of it. I know & accept not that currently? That Cannot happen with me being torn in the 3/4 different directions I am & it would be unfair on Her to try & grow into a relationship between us on that basis. I've a feeling I'm really not going to like doing this tomorrow but? I know it's for the best for both of us & so will steel myself? To do it as soon as I'm able............

Anyway as I said? I'm in a better place now I've formalised all that in my head & written down the targets I've set myself in print as it were? These are the beginnings of the boundaries that I hope will enable me to Rebuild my life, social life & confidence in everyday life (which I've sorely lacked for to long now); I'll just end by saying thanks again to all of you for your concise, brutal (but necessary) & above all? Sensible advice. I'll do my best to now act on it & hope this whole process? Helps me attain the emotional maturity I should have grown into long ago. Above all else though? I want to learn How to smile & be happy again - I've been gloomy, beaten down, pessemistic & dark for to long & in short? I'm sick of it. I see others being happy with themselves & their lives & relationships & So want to be like that myself & in truth? Everyone's got to learn sometime & start (re) building themselves somewhere; Suffice to say I suddenly have a sense that now? It's my turn to learn & not before time.......

NB Just a note to those who called me several not nice names etc & Implied I'm a liar or wind up merchant? Read what aldiwhore said please as well as the thread I linked to from before re' my ex' etc? I'm Not lying & trying to wind people up & never was - all the stuff I've written about? Really happened & is happening now & as I've articulated above? I have Real trouble opening up about this stuff in RL to people which is why I've done so on MN instead for now. Though with the advent of Real counseling for me soon fingers crossed? That might soon change once again & I'll be scarce on here once more.

NBB Oh & one other thing? I'm not & have Never said I'm a teacher (TY for noticing Maras2) That was my GF for 10 years in her former position; I was once training for a career in law (I have a degree in it but not a LPC) but that? All changed 7 years ago due to something I barely survived & had to learn to do it All like a toddler from scratch after over the next 2 years. Now? I just work locally when I can & battle chronic pain both the rest of the time & during my work hours.

Thanks anyway all who answered me & again sorry if I upset anyone with my earlier posts & the anger in them. I hope this (my last novel Big post fingers crossed) provides anyone reading with a truer reflection of me & explains my life right now a little better.

Bye for now.

Redline.

Sorry - I looked at all the things re' bold & grammar etc (Someone got it right earlier - I Did copy & paste a lot from Word before - hence the grammar/bold stuffups). I thought I'd got rid of a lot of them; It appears not; Sorry about that & you feeling upset & unable to help; I don't know what else to do though - I've been through it & amended it as best as I'm able already - shall I Reprint it minus questionmarks? I prob' got mixed up as typed to fast. Sorry again.

Fine & thank you for being so pleasant & nice to me again Winter - what is your problem with me? I've tried to write as proper a post compared to the muckup yesterday as I can but in truth? I'm getting sick of your insults & childish namecalling - if you don't like me? Don't post to me - simple as;

As to me? I have no problem with you but there's No call to rain down insults on me in my Own thread OK? As to my physical state? The pain I've got is related to 2 large steel plates I have in the front of my face for Life & have had for 7 years OK? I had my face broken & reset in Two places using steel plates to hold it in the new position (they used chisels & hammers In the Op' or so I was told) & lost nearly 3 pints of blood after waking up under anaesthetic & an oxygen/feeding tube being torn out of my nose;

Even now? I still get awful nosebleeds & headaches like my heads splitting in two after being hit by an axe nearly Every day of my life & sometimes just feel like my heads spinning or been hit by a bat at other (slightly less) painful times; It's an awful way to live & I hate it but want to be as good a person as I can be for my son OK?

In short right now? I spend most of my life on PK's to combat that & it's Not a good place to be. I mucked up the OP I acknowledge that but if you're going to judge me solely on the basis of that & some sort of anger on behalf of all women due to me talking angrily re' my ex' whose behaved utterly outrageously of late at times not that she's your concern? Then you're wasting your time - I won't listen or change my view; I'll simply state as I said before? I loved her once & will always be grateful to me for giving me a son but some of what she's done since? Is unforgivable & that anger boils over in me sometimes - It's called being human...........

As to my problem? It was what to do re' the relationships/feelings/mad jumble all mixed up I had in my head & How I might improve myself & not be so dense emotionally in future & was I being unreasonable to feel what I did; Maybe had you taken the time to Read my last post instead of Launch at me at the very sight of my name on a post? You 'd have seen that & further that I've both received & used advice since yesterday to good effect; Had you given me constructive answers instead of thinly disguised, badly framed attacks interspersed by rather childish namecalling? I might have listened to you & thanked you for your help also? Instead? I just think you're being silly - if you have a Real problem with me Miss? Then don't post in my thread OK? Problem solved.................

And if you do have a problem with me? I'm sorry you feel that way. I won't call you a tw*t though as I don't know you well enough & I hope in future whatever you think of me? You'll do me the same courtesy.

NB It's spelt Decipher.

TY Underthebed - I'll bear that in mind - The big post was required IMO though to repair the damage done by the trainwreck I made as an OP. I'll try & do that shorter type of writing in future. TY re' the luck - I think I'll need it.

Your barrister overstepped the mark.

I suggest you ask for someone who can keep her mind on the case and keep a professional distance, rather than indulging in some sort of pseudo-counselling session and hugging her client.

Rather alarming to be honest.

Good luck Redline! Your 4 point plan looks very sensible! I spoke dsf last night and he said the biggest mistake in his custody battle was letting things slide and that he wished he reported it every time contact was messed up and save all messages dp sends you they could be useful later on. unmumsnet stealth hug

And STOP calling people miss, for goodness sake.

Look mate, I know it's the least of your problems right now but you need to address that issue you have with question marks

OP you need to write more succinctly.

You need counselling.

You need to make efforts to deal with your addiction.

You need to focus on your son.

You should probably forget about relationships with women until you have worked on you.

I haven't even read most of your posts as they are so illegible. If you want to use an internet forum as a method for receiving advice you need to make sure you can be understood. It really isn't hard.

Kungfu; Sorry if I wasn't clear before or rambled re' the barrister - But basically? She Only spoke to me about it all (re' going beneath the tip of the iceberg re' my ex') After we'd finished dealing with the case re' my son etc for the day - She asked me what was up when I was talking to her re' the case & could See I was visibly upset & struggling to say something more to her re' my ex' while we were talking about her & what she'd done re' my boy of late? Maybe she knew I had something more to say but didn't know How to? I don't know - anyway she offered to chat after our business re' the case was wound up for the day & asked if there was anything else I wanted to tell her re' all this in private to which I indicated yes. Further? She implied that she had in the past? Heard other similar things in such informal chats with clients & mine was far from the worst so clearly? She's done this before & I had no problem with her doing this; Anyway? I took her up on her offer as I realised it was "now or never" re' me so later? Me & her went back to the side room we had & spoke for nearly an hour but only After our case had wound up for the day/the latest review & update of the Contact Conditions had been Okayed by the Judge.

As to the barrister? She Did keep a professional distance the Whole way through our talk -she sat across the table in the room from me- & Only hugged me just before I left the room as she could see I was nearly in tears in a state by then & was really struggling - it was a brief formal kind of 'thanks' 2 second hug was all & she said she admired my courage in getting it all out as many blokes? Don't & my family? Are very old fashioned in that way re' men & that sort of stuff? Anyway - other than that hug & words at the end?

My barrister couldn't have been More professional throughout the day. She only spoke to me at My own request after explaining that she could talk/listen & help after concluding our business re' the case for the day? And she only offered? As she could Clearly see I really wanted to say Something that could potentially have affected the case if I told her? She then wanted to know what was bugging & upsetting me so much & offered to keep it confidential & between us if I wished? (Which I did); Originally? I was only going to tell her a little bit & then? Something a dam in my head, a barrier? I don't know - just burst & it All came flooding out (far more than I'd originally intended to tell her).

I don't know Kungfu - in some ways? I feel that doing that? Was prob' the best thing I've done in years. It feels like another day & someone else talking but it was only me & yesterday & part of my life? Now? I feel like a terrible weight I've carried around for far to long has gone from my shoulders so maybe? I bottled it All of it up for far to long. Its gone now though - all of it & it isn't ever coming back to hurt me again in my head with all that horrible pressure & silence I had before yesterday & just maybe IMO? That's a good thing - & rather than alarmed? Today, More than to anyone for a longtime? I Feel Very grateful to her for doing that & more than anything else? I feel relieved all the pressure has gone - will that be a good thing? I guess only time will tell..........

NB Strawhatpirate? TY re' the Good Luck - I hope my 4 point plan works & is sensible - I put it together in my head gradually for a Long time last night combining some things I've done with some I've yet to attempt doing; I Considered, pondered & changed various bits of it before finally settling on How to do it & then making it Real to me by typing it out? I don't know If it will work mind but in the end? I just Had to do something - I couldn't just sit & suffer & be confused anymore - if only for my loved one's & families sake could I? I was right to do something wasn't I?

Further, I agree with your DSF Pirate? I Never, ever let anything slide re' my ex' & the trouble & pain she's caused me over our DS since we first split & thus far? Have about 4 diaries of the behaviour of her & her (now ex') DP re' me & threats etc from them, another one re' her behaviour that I've observed &/or heard that's alarmed me re' our boy. I have another re' her families actions & behaviour as they've been very unkind to us to in the past 2 years & nearly as bad as her in some ways; The final (& by far The Most important) diary? Is re' All contact with my boy since our first split going Waaaaaaaaay back to March 2010 when we had the first of our (3) breakups & Every session of contact/period of time &/or weekday phonecalls with DS that she's sabotaged &/or ruined is listed therein. They've been very useful so far. TY for your advice & support just now Strawhatpirate - means a lot to know others who've had all this are with me & listening

Stuntgirl? You've just outlined the plan I put up in prob' 4 lines - I take it that was deliberate? TY anyway & I'll try & learn from that. And yes you're right re' me writing (concise etc) - I'll try & change it - use cut & paste less in future but Can't type much well ATM as one of my thumbs is in plaster & painful to put pressure on after an accident last week when cutting my nails? (I took off the quick with it in short ) it's bled & hurt ever since whenever I've even put slight pressure on it so right now? Am typing only a little & C & P the rest. Anyway I'll do as you ask & try to be more concise in future.

Same re' you Ghostship? Will do my best re' the Questionmarks & less of them - was trying to anyway. And you're right - it is indeed the least of my problems right now. I'll try & learn - I'll prob' do it all (getting through my prob's) in GF's favourite way of doing things 'babysteps' (i.e. one at a time) & will see where that takes me.....

Re' all this? I suppose I'll feel some relief at the end of it all (the case); No word of a lie; Since the case began? This has been The most difficult, painful & hurtful 6 months of my entire life (7 if you count the month before when my contact was originally stopped) by a Loooooong way & in truth? I'll just be glad when it's All over, really I will; I feel worn out & knackered; Just utterly drained by it all TBH & in truth? Next month really Can't come quick enough for me & my son...........

Madge - I won't disagree with you I'm in a mess in a number of ways - the reasons behind which you'd prob' know now if you'd done something other than hurl ridiculous & baseless insults at me; As to the rest of that childish little rant composed of groundless insults & pointless names aimed at me? I'll refer you to my answer to brrbrrwinteriscoming & a similarly pathetic little barrage earlier;

I'm not explaining myself or my writing to you much after that - Had you answered me constructively & civilly even if you were having a go at me? Then I'd have returned the favour or tried to out of courtesy to you; Since you instead chose to be rude, vulgar & resort to swear words? I'll not reply in kind & would like (if you post here to attack me again) you to do me the same courtesy in the future please? Please don't swear at me anymore Madge - if you don't like me or my writing habits? By all means Say so & Why but if you're going to attack me again? Please be civil & don't swear or try not to in future? I think it's the very least we owe one another as civilised, polite people IMO.....

I'm sorry if you don't agree with what's written in this thread but This here? Is Me & my life here, I'm making No apologies for that OK? If you don't like it or want to offer advice on it? Don't post; And yes it Is real Madge - All of it; It's my life unfortunately - no drama 'project' (& I'd love to know where you got a crazy idea as that from). As to the "get some help" bit? I agree with you for different reasons & have made plans to do just that in RL re' 4 different parts of my life. Anyway - I'll finish by saying