To worry that this *Could* destroy us before we really get started together? (Long)

[Redline]

Hi Not sure how to put this as I'm a man & not used to but getting lots of practice of late via MN lol writing about my thoughts & emotions? But will give it a go so bear with me if I'm over-descriptive somewhat in what follows; I'm someone who is normally very unlucky in love & recently got out of the lower depths of Hell a Very bad relationship with a woman who was about as close to the personification of pure evil as can be imagined in one person - Unfortunately? I have a DS with this Creature of the night nasty woman so still have to talk to her & interact with her to bring him up as best we can?

Anyway I recently (This Feb') met another lady (on POF of All places) who is kind, erudite, caring, sensitive, pretty, lovely to talk to (& very nice to look at to ) & who is basically the antithesis of my ex-fiancee (yes I know what was I thinking being engaged to her ) Most importantly (for my battered heart & hers to as she's been through the mill somewhat also)? This lady likes me very much & Indeed sought me out on POF much to my undying shock at so gorgeous a creation thinking even slightly nice thoughts of me & we began (via FB & online & phone before a couple of eventual meetings that went well) what can only be described as an emotional affair with her & she eventually (after a rather rocky period where I made one very bad mistake & really upset her) told me she'd been falling in love with me.

Anyway? To cut a long story slightly shorter? This angel from above stunning lady whose singlehandedly restoring my faith in womankind? Is 36 to my 34 (as of this year) & so (surprisingly)? Is the first woman I've ever been involved with whose Older than me? Further? We both have one child (me a DS aged 3, she a DD aged 17) are both possessed of similarly sarcastic & very quick senses of humour, finish each others thoughts & sentences on the phone, just click some of the time & feel so right together thus far; I think we might have a long term future if our 'babysteps' towards a poss' relationship (her words & both our idea) come off in short?

Anyway this woman I've found myself falling for come to care a lot for? Is also as of this year around March/April time in a new job after previously being employed as a teacher for around 10 years until this year; I'm not sure but judging by some of the tones & words I've heard from her? (things like "don't feel sorry for me, it's my job, my choice, I'll get used to it, I think") I'm beginning to think that she maybe regrets moving into this job which as far as I know? Is that of a Family Support worker which brings me to the problems.

I am currently involved in a Vicious custody battle over my DS with the Bride of Dracula my ahem not nice ex' and have had all manner of untrue allegations & lies hurled at me both verbally & (eventually) in print in the form of both allegations in court applications & via solicitors letters from her (string of different) briefs; I have replied in kind a little but other than that? have no legal involvement in my life of any sort bar one visit from the police a year ago when we broke up & she lied & Tried to fit me up on a particular charge (which collapsed 2 weeks later & she later admitted lying about & apologised for). Anyway? My new (soon to be fingers crossed) Lady has got very upset re' her job context when I've spoken about what's gone on re' me & ex' & our son along the lines of "how can you put me in this position hearing all this - do you know what I deal with like that every day at work?" but then just to throw another spanner in the works?

She's recently told me when we begin our relationship proper (as opposed to our Current Emotional Affair/Long distance relationship? If 18 miles is long distance - feels like so much more) that I (due to her Job) will have to have extended CRB checks carried out not just on me but my entire family & even house If she were to be staying there regularly with me (even though only me & fortnightly my DS live there right now) further? That as long as any allegations are being maintained against me in Court? She can't deepen our relationship due to this as "I can't be with someone whose had allegations made against them";

Further? I've got a bit of a problem re' PK's due to an operation 7 years ago that almost killed me & left me basically dependent on them & she's told me "I can't be with someone whose dependent on PK's". She's suggested waiting until the case re' My DS is finished & then meeting up & seeing where we go as she's Admitted? Feeling really strongly for me despite all the recent proviso's & prepartory to this & me undergoing the CRB? She's recently started asking me How DS' case is going in certain aspects which I've been frank & open with her about but then? She's telling me later I tell her to much & put her in "impossible positions" again & all the while? I see my ex' parading man after man into & out of her & our Son's life whilst (partly) thanks to her & her Fking allegations? I can't even move on Slightly with a woman I've fallen for in a mahoosive big, big way;

Anyway my question is 4fold I guess? AIBU to Hate my ex' for doing the damage she is doing to me & this possible DP of mine by maintaining allegations that have no basis in reality just out of clear malice, spite & venom (which she's had aplenty for me for a while now; Funny how those we love can hate us so much & vice versa when it all goes wrong ); Secondly AIBU to be not a little confused by (possible) new DP's differing reactions to me re' my DS case despite it's (possible) importance to us in the future or is she as confused about all this as I am? And lastly? AIBU to think she should be as honest with me as I've tried to be with her (she knew all about my problems when we got involved? I made no secret of them on POF and it was never an issue until her new job came about)? She's recently made noises & taken actions that make me think she's getting impatient for the case to end & us to get on & see how we are together or not? But I'm prepared to wait for her & I think we're a good match (she's Taurus & I'm Cancer & the starsigns match if nothing else LoL - Yes a man who believes in those - shocking I know ).

Anyway basically? I've had one hell (with that being the operative word BTW) of a Bad time in my life with romance & this woman even at my age? Is someone who I just get the sense Might be the one & for the first time in my life? I think we Could have something together fingers crossed - I'm sometimes to honest & humble for my own good & sense that may have worked against me here but she did ask me not to lie & hide stuff from her by omission so I took her at her word & did my best to do just as she asked;

Anyhow 4th (& final) question? AIBU to put all I've got into trying to make this work & move on from my battered, ruined husk of a past lovelife to something happier at long, long last? Or am I just wasting my (& her=New DP's) time & it will all end yet again re' me in heartbreak & hurt all around? I'm so worried now that yet another relationship in RL I'm involved in will get shot down before it can even take off. I've let the drawbridge & barriers to my heart down one last time but don't know if? Babarians are going to storm & sack it yet again or I'll finally get the love story & fairytale ending I so have wanted for a long, long time now;

I'm so confused so if anyone can help/advise? I'll appreciate it (& them) lots. I guess in the final analysis? I think really like this Lady (& Know she does me) &? I Really want it to work with her so I'm not in the wrong to not want us destroyed as a couple before we even get started am I? Actually in fact? Scrap what I just said - I don't like her - I'm in love with her - there I've admitted it. It's not wrong of me to want to save & build on that is it? I'm so confused & worried for our future together if that is future there will even be? Right now I just don't know & that really worries me as I've let down all my defences for her & don't want to be hurt again.

Yes I admit it LoL I'm a romantic at heart as you prob' knew from the first paragraph all guessed by now but? Even we have our limits & I? Feel I'm at mine now - One more nasty shock disastrous Relationship of the sort my hearts had all to often in life? Well If that happens? yet again? Then Let's just say I fear it Will finish me with women forever & if only for this lady & what I feel for her as well as my hopes of going on to raise my DS with a lady I love who loves me by my side & just being Happy with her? Well let's just say I really don't want that to happen so for me? I guess now? Is all or nothing time. Here goes nothing..........

Sorry for the length - fire away & again? I will really appreciate any (& all) help & advice so I'm not diving blind as it were (re' the "here goes" bit).

Anyway thanks for taking time to read this & take Care all.

Redline.

Stop making irrelevant words bold
Stop ending every sentence with a ? And a no?
Please, it is fucking annoying.

Ps no advice on your situation as your posts are too annoying to read.

I think you think question marks as punctuation convey something different from what they actually do. Stop overusing them and your posts will be easier to understand. This whole thread is a mess, you really shouldn't be getting into a serious relationship now by the sounds of it.

If you want your relationship with this person to continue, I suggest that you ask them to simply wait (or carry on as you are at present) until the Court case is sorted and at that point see where you both are. But I wouldn't say any more about the Case to her unless prompted and then keep it low-key, factual and brief.

Re all the checks - I don't know when checks might be required, but if this is more than is usual, it doesn't suggest that she trusts you which is a funny way to be starting a relationship.

I would concentrate on getting a stable future for you and your son as the number one priority for the moment.

On a completely unrelated and much more lighthearted note, you come across as Australian with all of those question marks. Try using some commas and full stops instead as it interferes with reading the content of what you have written if you have to keep on putting an upward inflection at the end of nearly all of the sentences, and you often use a ? when it is not actually required.

What the fuck... Start writing succinct and to the point posts otherwise people aren't going to be able to help with all your waffling

I'm with BalloonSlayer. I haven't seen your other thread.

But the CRB stuff sounds like total bollocks, and as a woman I would run a mile to not get embroiled in all this. Especially if I felt there was a potential conflict of interests with my job.

Cut your losses and move on.

TY all for your advice some brutally honest & some not? I'll do my best to take note of it & see where I am when next I post - I'll come back when & as things happen & events move along & yes I'll try & correct my more annoying habits by then - And just to say to those who think I hate women & the mother of my child ala CelineMcbean? Try & read my later posts after the OP? I think the fact I said I think "deep down I'll always have some love for my childs mum" is a clue as to otherwise yes?

Further the "revolting, mysogynistic" language you refer to? Was only in My OP when I was not in a good mood whilst typing? Why do you have to turn my dislike for One woman whose treated me & my family awfully into some perceived hatred by me of all women? It's not like that at all & deep down? I do have some care for her & always will - she gave me a son - not something that I'll ever forget & I did love her once - very very much.

And no I don't hate women Biscuitnibbler - far from it; I've just been treated brutally & hurt terribly by one I loved & had a child with so am bound to be a little upset as it shows in my OP. Haha Mistlethrush - I'm not an Aussie - far from it; Half English Half Scots in fact.

Proud'n'Scary? I'm not humbled by all women how could I be after what ex' put me through? I just meant it amazes & sometimes really upsets me what some people can do to others they claim to love & care for & I've noticed a big amount of those doing these things? Have been men is all hence? We (men) have a lot to learn in some respects.

I agree re' what you said re' my r'ship? it is basically on hold re' the court case & I agree I don't think she entirely trusts me & is holding back a little which is why I've felt a bit reticent despite liking her as I do of late; My son is & always Was my main priority of that you need not worry.

Anyway? Will go now & thanks again for all your advice - I leave a chastened but perhaps wiser man; I was just very confused before but am a little less so now with all this help & good advice? Anyway? I'll now do my best to put it to good use & unconfuse my self a bit more & see where that & concentrating on my son takes me. I hope to speak to you all from a happier place when next I'm back. See you all soon & take care as Othehideous said? I'm now going to step back, take a breath & digest all I've learned; Yes Madge - I'll listen to & read & take in all I've read here & see what I can do about acting on it - Then? Time will tell what happens next.........

Goodbye for now & thanks all for your answers whatever they said.

Take Care.

I'm trying to change Winteriscoming - That was part of the point of me coming on here? And I've learned a lot to say the least. I can but say I'll do my best & keep in mind all I've learned. Anyway - thanks for responding. I'm sorry if you didn't like how I come across & write - I'll do my best to change that in future & make my posts more readable.

Anyway I have to go now so bye for now & thanks for reading me today.

If it was a woman posting this, I would suggest taking a break from relationships, having some counselling, and focusing on reducing the extremes of emotions for the sake of the child.

you need boundaries around your life.

1. remain entirely factual with your girlfriend. Simply tell her that the allegations are untrue (don't go on and on justifying it, it makes you sound unhinged).
2. Get the contact with your son sorted, push for a court date, push for neutral venues to pick your son up, push for a third party (like a contact centre to do contact) - all this with your solicitor, not your ex.
3. Don't talk to your ex again - no phone calls, no emails, only through solicitors - normally I'd never say this but your relationship with her sounds very unhealthy. It's not your business and you shouldn't know about the 'succession' of men in your girlfriends life - distance, distance, DISTANCE
4. Don't try and make your new relationship serious until you have your child sorted out.
5. YES - she will need to CRB you, that's perfectly normal now - I would do the same if I was falling for someone who appeared to be involved in court cases, or with the police - it's not to do with 'trust' it's to do with her job and her kid

1. You wrote this at 4 in the morning - get more sleep, talk less crap, get up for your job, go to work, work hard, push for a court date and talk about your ex a lot less. You need to disconnect from your ex - take all roads to that position, you dedicated a 1000 words to her - get therapy or talk to a friend - you need to MOVE AWAY emotionally from her, you are still too tangled up.

hth

You clearly read as well as you write.

To me, your posts are full of red flags (regarding you) including the way you speak about your ex, allegations made against you, the whole court thing, the strength of your feelings for a very new relationship, sounds like an addiction to painkillers etc - if I was the 'new woman' I would run a mile.

waaaaaaahhhh

TY LFC - it does help;

Cheers for writing all that & will do my best to abide by/follow it.

OK? Really Do have to go now so bye & will write again soon. Thanks all.

Goodness. I scan read and have really struggled with your posts redline.

I wish there was a 'sum up' button to press on the keyboard.

I second the idea that, in your case, you need to get the relationship with your son sorted before worrying toooo much about the new woman.

It sounds from your posts like your head is a scary place to be at the moment. Have you tried any deep relaxation, like yoga or meditation?

I'd so love to help you more, but i haven't been able to read your posts properly and need to out now as well! I'll try again later.

Stay with us OP.

I think you need to step away from the parenthesising and consider this: do you think your new DP (PP?!) has had second thoughts on the relationship having got to know you better? Not intending to cause offence, but she may just feel you're not as well suited as she first thought. This is something that has happened to me in the past, having been drawn in by a man far too quickly, only to realise later that I hadn't given myself chance to weigh his qualities against his flaws.

Ultimately the woman you've been seeing could be back-pedalling furiously to extract herself from a relationship she's not so sure about. You need to have a conversation about the future of your relationship (and after 8 months you wouldn't be U to want to know if there is a future. But you need to lose the florid language - if you used it with me I'm afraid I'd have run for the hills by now!

Does your keyboard have . and , on it?

As others have said; grow up, sort yourself out and focus on doing your best for your son.

Can you not just write your post directly into the box instead of writing it in Word and copypasting it? I think that's why your formatting is fucked (all the ???? everywhere).

Er ... What was the question again?

Sorry but I actually read the whole thing and I have no idea what it is ( apart from punctuation ) that you need help with!

I'm also aghast and astonished that you can claim to hold down a job as a teacher without the skill of summarising, never mind holding back all that psychological distress while dealing with children.