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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend's ds has autism, she would like my ds to spend more time with him.

509 replies

BatwingGirl · 16/10/2012 11:44

I find this very unfair on ds (6) as he has made other friends at his school who want to come round and play. Both boys have pretty much grown up together, seeing eachother since they were babies. They go to different schools but as her ds has become older, it's become more challenging to have a decent playdate without tantrums every 2 minutes. I've tried to see my friend more while the boys are at school, but she tries very hard to time it for after school so that the boys can be together. I didn't want to say it to her and have said I'm busy after school, weekends I've stopped going out with her and the two boys as there will always be a scene in town. She ends up leaving him with me, walking off in a temper herself. It's very stressful.

For the last few weeks she has been coming round with some excuse (to see the kitten, to see the new rug, they made biscuits) and I can't exactly say no. She asks my ds to play with her ds (7) in his room. I don't like them being out of my sight as I know her ds can get very aggressive if he doesn't get his own way. My ds who does not know about his condition ends up very frustrated and scared. I'd like to keep my friend but not force my son to have to be his friend if he doesn't want to. I know if I say it to her she will really take offense. She feels like she has no one else and other mums from the school have dumped her since his diagnoses.
I just want an easier life. When Ds's other friends are round, they are like angels compared to my friend's ds.

OP posts:
lovebunny · 20/10/2012 20:22

"you don't have to sacrifice your child's happiness and contentment for the sake of political correctness." what a warm and lovely post
that's right. it's warm and lovely to the mum and child who are being pressured into doing something they don't want to do.

FangsGoForTheMaidensThroat · 20/10/2012 20:30

its the shitty "political correctness" jibe that struck me as particularly harsh and lacking human decency tbh

pigletmania · 20/10/2012 20:58

Just say playdates, pity is not very nice.

AmIthatScary · 20/10/2012 21:38

I've not read the whole thread, and am wary of getting deleted again.

My beloved DD exhibits no aggressive or narcissistic tendencies. She is a very lovely 13 year old with the brain of a 6 year old.

And quite frankly, when you NT parents are dealing with sex, drinking, drugs, etc, we will still be playing - albeit friendless- with dollies and teddies

I know which I prefer

socharlotte · 20/10/2012 21:57

piglet why is it offensive to you??? It's not as if i was talking about any kids you even know.And why shouldn't I call them pity playdates.That is exactly what they are!!!

threesocksonathreeleggedwitch · 20/10/2012 21:59

what FangsGoForTheMaidensThroat said
wow I dread to think what it is going to be like in the future if the op and her ilk are anything to go by, there are going to be some real charmers in the nt world.

pchip · 20/10/2012 22:05

batwingGirl if you omitted in your OP your friend's son's condition, the replies would have been vastly different. Most would have said your friend is taking the piss.

At the end of the day, this is about a relationship of two adult women, who formed a friendship. For friendships to work - both sides need to get something good and pleasurable out of it. At the moment, this friendship seems very one sided with your friend heavily leaning on you for support.

You've gotten a lot of angry and bitter responses from posters who are projecting. Not many commented that you feel her husband is doing nothing and she is leaning on you for support in lieu of that. What a lot of posters comment on is ludicrously judging your dedication, questioning your level of friendship and accusing you of wanting to alleviate your guilt.

Do you know what? This is really about your adult friendship with another adult. Who happens to be a mom to a boy who has autism. I think there are issues in that friendship and you feel the more you give, the more she expects. And, for whatever reason, when you try to address this with your friend, she just won't talk about it. You need to have an honest chat. If you can't face the thought of that - think about why. .

sara11272 · 20/10/2012 22:22

Slightly off-thread but I can't believe grown adults exclude autistic or other SN classmates from party invites. Surely invite them and make them feel good about themselves...if they are likely to not enjoy themselves/be disruptive/it not be a good idea for them to come for whatever reason, that's for their parents to decide, not you or your child. Maybe I'm just naively optimistic.

Ilovecake1 · 20/10/2012 22:22

I feel so upset by reading this post. I truly feel over the "friend" and her little boy so much! I do hope the friend finds a true friend she can rely on and get some support. Bless her and her son!!

socharlotte · 20/10/2012 22:33

'if they are likely to be disruptive......that's for their parents to decide, not you or your child'

Hmm Biscuit

lovebunny · 20/10/2012 22:36

its the shitty "political correctness" jibe that struck me as particularly harsh and lacking human decency tbh

be as offensive as you like. it doesn't alter the fact that if boy a doesn't want to spend time with boy b, he shouldn't be forced to do so. no matter how needy boy b is, or how much people generally might want to support him.

LadyFannyJoGarden · 20/10/2012 23:00

So let me see if I have understood this right. Kids with asd have problems with social skills, but they can't practise their social skills because no one wants their kids to play with them. So nothing improves, and lots of parents continually complain.

Don't anyone try and tell me that is not the case because I've seen it from both points of view with my kids.

pigletmania · 20/10/2012 23:10

Socharlotte hate your attitude, why bother they don't want your pity. I personally would rather go without

zzzzz · 20/10/2012 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 20/10/2012 23:13

Totally true pchip, I do agree. The ladies dh should be helping her more

Gymbob · 20/10/2012 23:14

I work with a child with severe ASD, and he is fab and calm for most of the time, but when he blows he blows. I have been injured and so has my colleague. He is only 10 but he has the strength of someone much much older. I would not want him to play with my DD's as he is too unpredictable - there would have to be very close supervision indeed. Their paths will never cross anyway as he is 'work' only, but I can fully understand the OP's concerns.

Prior to that I worked with a girl with ASD plus additional needs, she did cross into our home lives and played with DD1. I had to end the contrived friendship for the safety and sanctity of my DD. Again that was a 'friendship' that needed constant supervision. Unfortunately, DD was injured on more than one occasion, as even under supervision, serious injury or death may have occurred. She was held under the water in the inflatable paddling pool in the back garden on a hot summers day, while two sets of parents were sat 6ft away asking a smiling girl where my DD was Sad.

Thankfully, it was the parents of the ASD girl who had an inkling as to what could be going on, and my DD's life was saved. Of course I fully understand that the poor girl just didn't realise that what she was doing was wrong....

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/10/2012 23:17

Zzzzz - I don't think it's that uncommon for children to only play with their friends beyond a certain age,for various reasons,not necessarily because they're horrid brats with zero empathy.

Doesn't prepare them well for adult life in my opinion.

lovebunny · 20/10/2012 23:40

yep, there's nothing like making your child unhappy to prepare him for adult life. that really makes the world a better place. like listening to his views, respecting his opinion - i don't like that boy, he's scary - oh, we'll ignore your feelings son, the other boy is more important.
oh yes. well, it will keep the analysts in business.

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/10/2012 23:45

lovebunny the thing is as adults we come into contact with a lot of people.

I'm not just referring to people with SN but genuinely unpleasant people who have to put up with because say,they're our boss. Young people go have only ever had to be with their "friends" will find it hard going coping in a work place.

I'm not saying if there are safety issues etc then they should be ignored but,back to talking specifically about children with SN,is it not better to explain a bit to your child and see how it goes? Rather than ignore/ostracise a child?

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/10/2012 23:46
  • all typos are the fault of my iPhone. Apologies.
zzzzz · 20/10/2012 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sarraburd · 21/10/2012 00:45

Learning70
The ones who just want to know what he had "got".

Yes that's it exactly. DS2 recently diagnosed autistic. Having that question/attitude alot. Very depressing. As if they think it might be contagious.

So sad about this thread as the whole social side of is what worries me most - that no-one will want to be friends with him, that he will be lonely, bullied... It's really hard reading how many of you have experienced this - and the so-called friends disappearing. This is set to be a long and hard journey.

Has taken me all weekend to read the thread and op seems to have disappeared now (FWIW the denial bit is a very hard stage; DH still processing and I totally get that she wants to be normal but these playdates won't work unsupervised and only likely to be productive on either side if more structured). But am v grateful to all of you who have given advice; alot of it will help me too.

pchip · 21/10/2012 08:18

"Gymbob feeding a perception that sn kids are murderers in waiting, is dreadful. Perhaps if you truly don't know that you are in the wrong job."

Totally disagree that a professional sharing her personal experiences is equivalent to feeding a perception. And maybe this morning your judgey pants won't be so hoicked up as to think you are in ANY way qualified to judge whether or not someone is in a wrong profession based on a single post on the Internet.

Fucking hell, I can't believe how posters who dare offer another perspective are attacked on this thread. Shameful.

Gymbob · 21/10/2012 08:19

zzz how did I feed a perception that sn kids are murderers in waiting? I merely shared an incident with you. My own DD1 has SN for Gods sake!

They were two SN girls playing together, you ought not to be so touchy...

Pagwatch · 21/10/2012 08:37

I do continue to worry about the levels of support and supervision on these threads to be honest.
Ds2 is 16 and I have been around children with severe ASD in special schools and nurseries for 14 years.
Dd was born when DS1 was 6. She has been to his school regularly, to a disability play scheme regularly and been around my son and his peers really regularly.
I have never once had an incident involving her and a child with asd. Nor have I witnessed any violence between students at school. If you asked DD if she was nervous of people with asd she would think you were batty.

Something must be going wrong somewhere that being in the same environment as children with asd is so scary and challenging for so many nt children and they need protecting and shielding from them.