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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend's ds has autism, she would like my ds to spend more time with him.

509 replies

BatwingGirl · 16/10/2012 11:44

I find this very unfair on ds (6) as he has made other friends at his school who want to come round and play. Both boys have pretty much grown up together, seeing eachother since they were babies. They go to different schools but as her ds has become older, it's become more challenging to have a decent playdate without tantrums every 2 minutes. I've tried to see my friend more while the boys are at school, but she tries very hard to time it for after school so that the boys can be together. I didn't want to say it to her and have said I'm busy after school, weekends I've stopped going out with her and the two boys as there will always be a scene in town. She ends up leaving him with me, walking off in a temper herself. It's very stressful.

For the last few weeks she has been coming round with some excuse (to see the kitten, to see the new rug, they made biscuits) and I can't exactly say no. She asks my ds to play with her ds (7) in his room. I don't like them being out of my sight as I know her ds can get very aggressive if he doesn't get his own way. My ds who does not know about his condition ends up very frustrated and scared. I'd like to keep my friend but not force my son to have to be his friend if he doesn't want to. I know if I say it to her she will really take offense. She feels like she has no one else and other mums from the school have dumped her since his diagnoses.
I just want an easier life. When Ds's other friends are round, they are like angels compared to my friend's ds.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 19/10/2012 22:09

No it's not legal, that is lovely of you, but the word pity play date just sums up the view tat this poster has of the playdates, viewed in a negative light

MacyGracy · 19/10/2012 22:16

Saintly, Justmyview & zzzzzz thanks for your advice, I will bring it up next time I see her.

zzzzz · 19/10/2012 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleepneeded · 19/10/2012 22:33

Slightly different perspective -

  1. One example - When I was in my very early teens - I had a friend who had real issues, and was isolated at school and my father made me stay friends with this friend - I was a bit older that 7 though - very early teens. I suppose I was a bit of a leader -my dad knew this. I also think he saw through the situation and knew that if I dropped this person as a friend then she would be really isolated. So I recall this long chat where he basically explained that he'd expect me to go out of my way for a while and make sure that I set a standard of behaviour amongst my peer group and continue to be inclusive and include this person positively.
To be honest I would have dropped this friend if my dad had not really told me why I need to spend more time, why I should give up my time and make a real effort. I was a bit surly about it (to my dad only), but I did follow it through. I think I even tried to say it would interfere with my exams but he didn't buy it.

I often look back at this time and it was one of the best lessons in life I learnt. I really believe I got so much more from what I gave up. It really made me such a more tolerant person to think of others, realise just how unfair life could be and got me really thinking not just about me. I don't know if it helps you or not really??

But I'd try set boundaries but also explain to your son more about your friend's situation.

You sound like you are such a good friend.

  1. 2nd example - fast forward to a more recent example - I had a friend that needed loads of support and got very ill, but I too had loads on in my life and was really stretched left, right and centre. This friend was suffering from a pretty major illness, was super isolated and had lots going on and was relying on me. I couldn't cope with it all on my own but realised that if I pulled away it would really hurt my friend and so started to feel overwhelmed by it all. Spoke to my wonderful dh, who suggested I use some of my support network to help my friend and I out. It worked such a treat - I basically called in some favours from some girl friends - had a girly night - got my other friends to meet this friend. I then also asked them to share the load - for a while. It worked a treat. I kept my friendship, my friend made other friends - others saw the situation and pitched in. I know this may not apply and you might need a creative solution here and I realise that you can't take it all on yourself.
  1. In my 2nd example I also took advice from a charity. I'd consider speaking to some other support groups on this.

Take care of yourself too Smile as I say you sound like you are a great friend but maybe you need to take some time out too.

LadyFannyJoGarden · 19/10/2012 22:41

sleepneeded you sound like a lovely person.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/10/2012 23:29

zzzzz - ah I see. . It wasn't intended as a "look a perfect it was in this one single situation", I was just saying explanation can work. I don't mean sitting a small child down and explaining the ins and outs of a medical diagnosis either.

Apologies if I came across a bit gauchely.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/10/2012 23:30

Feel a bit embarrassed I came across as one of those twatty people with anecdotal experience. :/

CuriousMama · 19/10/2012 23:38

Why did you put this in AIBU? You know what happens here.

I think you need to stop them going into ds's room for starters. If you feel your ds could be in danger then you need to watch him.

I too feel for your friend it's not easy having an autistic dc.

Your last sentence about a normal playdate is very badly worded.

zzzzz · 19/10/2012 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VenusRising · 20/10/2012 00:05

I don't know where you got that so called "quote" fangs, but I think you could do me the decency of actually reading my posts, eh?

I don't see any malice in socharlotte's wording - she herself even owns she had reservations about the words she used - maybe the words she used weren't great - but I think we all know what she means - we all know that unpopular child (nt or sn it doesn't matter) - and good for her for wanting to include these unpopular children.

I'm sure we've all been in a situation where we can't believe the behaviour of the invited child who's been on a playdate - certainly I've read enough threads on here about OPK to prove that we've all had the playdate from hell.

I agree with sleepneeded - some network of support is necessary for the friend of the OP and also boundaries need to be put in place.

pigletmania · 20/10/2012 00:12

I agree Venus my friends nt son can be dwnright nasty and rude to dd, though I have never said itto my friend, she preferrs to come over or meet up when te children are at school.

pigletmania · 20/10/2012 00:14

Yes so Charlotte should never ave used that phrase if she had reservations about it, and had some sensitivity

zzzzz · 20/10/2012 00:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VenusRising · 20/10/2012 00:31

Thanks for the tips zzzzz. What? Are you the only expert on this?

As I said my DD doesn't discriminate between the kids in her class except for those who can play with her and play the kinds of games she likes to play and those who can't. In no way have I even mentioned to her that some kids who are bad at playing imaginative creative games are NT or SN. It's not an issue. My DD chooses her playmates on their ability to play the games she likes, not any other considerations.

Maybe you'd like to rephrase your condescending and arrogant post?

pigletmania · 20/10/2012 00:41

I do agree with you Venus we tend to choose our friends who have things in common with us naturally, hope that your dd includes anyone nt/sn who wants to join in thse games. I remember as a child I had sn (dyslexia, dev delay, dyspraxia), I was sanding on the side watching group of girls play mummies and daddies, I asked if I could play and they sad no and turned their back to me. I was ver Sad still remember this 30 years later. I was not violent or aggressive just immature for my age

zzzzz · 20/10/2012 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm · 20/10/2012 00:56

You need to sit down and level with her.

You want to support her and her DS. You want your DS to grow up kind and understanding of difference. You do not want him to be expected to shoulder alone in his room burdens she herself walks away from in a rage when her son is too much, and it is not fair of her to do that to you, either.

You have to put her sending the boys off alone to a stop. It's grossly unfair on your son. I think perhaps you also need to set up a regular, say once a month date when you do spend time together. Because she's in a hard situation - but you need to support her as a friend, while not allowing her to implicitly demand your son provides peer support for her son. He has got to be protected from that.

My older brother has AS, though he's very high functioning. My mother used to use me as a sort of free alternative to dealing with him herself, when I was a kid. I mostly pretend that never happened now so she and I can have a relationship, but given this is not your child, your responsibility is to your own. The balance between tolerance and support, and unfair levels of expectation on another child, at present is skewed... and not in your DS' favour.

pigletmania · 20/10/2012 00:58

Exacactly zzzz that she has compassionif she sees a child on their own that she asks them to play, not do what those girls did to me. Venus I am sure you would like your daughter to grow up with compassion and empathy for others.

pigletmania · 20/10/2012 01:01

Sometimes you have to go that litte bit extra. In life we have to, e.g f we someone that needs elp we offer to help them. I used to like helping my elderly neighbours with their shopping as a kid, and volunteering to do little jobs for them that kind f thing

perfectstorm · 20/10/2012 01:02

Sleepneeded, both you and your dad sound lovely.

AmIthatbad · 20/10/2012 02:00

Not sure what I can add Sad

LadyFanny how awful

And my DD is the one who spends her whole life on the outside looking in...............I would give my right arm for her to have someone want to play with her and listen to her going on about her dolls or Mario and Sonic all the time.

To have her invited to birthday parties

For her to get Christmas cards from school friends

It breaks my heart.

But I guess you can't force children to play with each other

Campari · 20/10/2012 02:17

Lets be fair though, you can't force two kids to be friends just for the sake of it. If they don't get on then why force them?

VenusRising · 20/10/2012 02:44

My DD is empathetic and caring, unselfish and inclusive already piglet- and I think that's why she gets latched onto as she doesn't know how to tell someone to go away as they are in her face monopolising her. And that's why I got the school to intervene last year: she was being bullied and was deeply unhappy as this girl with Aspergers was not letting anyone else play with her.

It's not the OPs DS job to provide therapeutic socialisation for this autistic boy, neither is it my DDs job to be monopolised by SN or NT kids in her class.

I let my DD play with whomever she likes - she's just turned 8 and is still a child - she's not a therapeutic aide to a SN or an NT kids progress.

Her school is inclusive and handles all children and their socialisation very well - they do a lot of group activities and change around a lot at their tables, so no one child just works with or plays with one other child. The fact is though at this time my DD wants to play imaginative creative games with her friends, and the children who can play this sort of game with her happen to be all NT.

This has nothing to do with the colour of someone's skin or what country they come from or what religion they practice, to suggest it is is spurious and misleading zzzzz.

FangsGoForTheMaidensThroat · 20/10/2012 07:04

VenusRising

'I don't know where you got that so called "quote" fangs, but I think you could do me the decency of actually reading my posts, '

It's called paraphrasing, dearie.

Pagwatch · 20/10/2012 07:11

It's all a bit rum really.
My son can play imaginative games even though he is pretty severe.
And he would not getting anyone's face, he is most comfortable with parallel play. I am a bit saddened that anyone would have a perception of all children with SN as being destructive,aggressive and rigid. It all sounds a bit extreme.

It is also sad that the school works so hard at inclusion and has a high percentage of children with SN and yet, left to their own devices, the children still don't mix at all. But they do seem to have managed to collect a very challenging group with SN - all of them running around shouting in peoples faces, flapping and being generally aggressive and stalky.
I wonder if they should review their methods? And possibly consider that they are not equipped to select children all of whom have behavioural problems alongside their SN? They do sound incredibly out of their depth.

It may seem lovely and inclusive but I wonder who they are helping really? It's clearly not working is it?