AIBU to think this is a little rude as a question?

[TheDetective]

I may be being a little hormonal here nothing new there but lately I've noticed a lot of people asking me the same question. I have a 10 year old DS, who clearly isn't my DP's, as DP is 22 (I'm 27).

As soon as they ask the question 'oh, is he not his father' they follow up with, 'does he still see his father?'. Thankfully, this is mostly not in front of DS!

AIBU to find this quite rude, and invasive? The answer is yes, but really, is it anyone elses business? Would you ask the same question to someone? What if it was the father, would you ask him if he still saw his child?

I'm just fed up of answering it to be honest! I'd like to come up with a witty retort than more than the MN standard responses!

I'm probably just being unreasonable to see it as a rude question though!

That is bloody nosy actually. Not sure how i would respond to it though...

If it bothers you, look at them curiously and say "Why do you ask?" Then watch them blush.

That would annoy me too. Why does it matter? If they dont know you well enough to know he sees his dad then really its none of their business. YANBU.

YANBU. It irritates the hell out of me that people seem to think its okay to ask firstly, "Are you still with his dad?" and followed up by, "Does he see him?". None of your freaking business!!

Yes, it's rude, and none of their business!

You could say, "That's a bit of a personal question!" and leave it at that.

respond with 'do you still see your father?' and if they say 'he passed away', press them with 'do you tend his grave? what kind of memorial does he have?' when they look shocked you can tell them that's how you feel about their intrusive questioning.

That is rude and I'm that anyone would ask that! What if his father had died?!

Yanbu, I bumped into someone who had been in my year at school, he asked about my children, I told him I had three - his immediate response was 'have they all got t'same dad?'
They haven't, my youngest is with on new partner, so perhaps that's why I was a bit but I thought 'what a bloody cheek!'

YANBU - some people just really seem to lack boundaries.

Oh, phew! I thought I was just being sensitive! It isn't something I had really thought about until now. But due to about 6 people asking the same question in the last 2 days, it has alerted me to the fact that it has almost become standard in the line of questioning when I talk about being a mother!

Or simply state "What a strange question". And not answer it, of course.

Or should we all chant the Mumsnet response: "Did you mean that to sound rude?"

6 people in the last 2 days? . Have you just moved to a new area or something? Rude buggers!

No, I am going on maternity leave, so a lot of people have been talking to me as I have been finishing work!

in response do this.....

bite your lip frown look all distrought clutch your hand to your heart and in a broken voice just say,

"we dont talk about that to strangers anymore".

try not to giggle as they run away

It IS nosy and very much 'in your face' but (because I suffer from foot in mouth) I suspect a certain percentage of people who ask this are actually trying to show an interest, to prove they're non judgmental AND interested (as you say, it's obvious) and are very probably very clumsily just trying to be 'present' (rather than ignoring the obvious).

YANBU for it to rile you. If even one of the people who's asked this is NICE, in your opinion, then one day when you're friends, let it be known you always hated that question, and maybe give them a chance to apologise.

6 people in TWO DAYS??? Crikey, I live in Nosytown and don't get asked that many invasive questions!

People always ask about fathers to me. "Do they both share a father?" They have different coloured skins, what do you think? "Do they still see their father?" How does that affect you? "Did you date the father?" Would you like me to tell you how good he was in bed as well, you nosy fucker?

Lol redgreen

Just smile and ignore.

I was asked a similar question by my nosy neighbour when I first moved to my new house

She asked if my dp was my sons dad, to which I replied ' I dont know who his dad is, mind you, I have narrowed it down after eliminating all the black men

She did this

I am fully aware of who his dad is!

We once babysat a friends boys
They are both the palest white blonde kids ever

At the time the LO was about 18 mths-ish, and was going through that phase were all men are called Daddy. And the 4 year old kept forgeting and calling us Mum & Dad.

We had them for the weekend, OH is clearly Indian, I'm dark haired sallow skin. We're wandering around the supermarket with both of them going Mum Mum Dad Dad.

The looks. . .

Was standing waiting to be served at the deli, Oh been wandering off with the 4 year old and back again LO in the trolley babbling Dad Dad Dad.

Lady with a similar aged LO starts smiling at me, at LO, I smile back she starts chatting to 'my' LO, oh arent you lovely and chatty blah blah

Me oblivious grinning away, when she suddenly goes, they're not his are they. .

Now when I think back I should have said, tearfully Oh God how did you guess, Oh God please dont tell him. And thrown myself at her feet waiiing, don't break up my familieeeeeee, he can never knowwwww

Or at least a frosty 'Did you mean to be so rude'

In real life I stuttered and stammered and went well no of course not, thery're not mine either, we're babysittiing, with lots of ems and oh and huhs.

I had a woman ask me in the park what breed DD1 is, like a pedigree fecking pooch .

Yes she's mixed race and the lady who asked was Asian (do not. a racist thing) but still.....

Some people really have no boundaries when it comes to questions.

When I gave birth to DS1, I was completely on my own - no contact with his dad throughout pregnancy or after. In hospital several people asked me - apparently on realising his dad clearly wasn't in the picture (and for no other reason as DS1 had auburn hair and pale skin at birth, and didn't look in the slightest mixed race) - if his father was black

I then went on to meet my ExP and have DS2 a couple of years later. DS1 and 2 have similar features but different builds, colouring etc. I've lost count of the number of people who've said over the years 'well you can tell they've got different dads' 'does the eldest see his dad' 'were you with him long'

and so on...

I honestly reckon they are trying to be friendly and continue a conversation, and are just spitting out the first thing that comes to their mind (which does happen to be quite personal).

I wouldn't try to punish them for this by telling them off (in any way, even subtle), but you are quite within your rights to not want to answer the question.

If it were me, I would just say, "Oh, thats a bit personal really," and then try to move onto something else to talk about. Conversation-making can be difficult for some people (like me) , so I wouldn't make them feel bad, just politely redirect the conversation. Just my two cents.

"the lady who asked was Asian (do not. a racist thing)"

Anyone can be racist about anyone else's race, surely?