Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry at my friend who continues to smoke despite being pregnant?

106 replies

amandine07 · 14/10/2012 18:39

This could be (very) controversial...

A good friend of mine recently announced she is PG- I was delighted for her, they have been trying for over a year, I had been a shoulder to cry on for most of the last year as she feared it wouldn't happen as she is 37.

She is about 8 weeks along and continues to smoke about 15 cigarettes a day, she has cut down from 20 so this is progress. She insists it would be more harmful for the baby if she continued to drink alcohol and smoking is "the lesser of 2 evils" and has no plans to give up completely.

I'm sure many of you will say this is none of my business- I'm sure it isn't. I just can't believe her attitude after spending most of the last 12 months going on about being barren, infertile etc.

Also, another close friend has been trying for 3.5 years to become PG and has just failed a 2nd round of IVF- she is utterly devasted & I have witnessed how hellish infertility can be.

This puts things in perspective for me...AIBU to be angry with my friends seeming nonchalance with the whole smoking thing?

OP posts:
Flojo1979 · 14/10/2012 22:54

More addictive than heroin? Evidence please.

I get that its addictive, I get that its hard work to quit. But pregnancy itself is hard work but once u r pregnant u don't have a choice, its 9 months of hell.
Smokers have a choice, and are stupidly weak willed.

Flojo1979 · 14/10/2012 22:55

Funny u should say that fab........

WorraLiberty · 14/10/2012 22:56

NHS link here

edam · 14/10/2012 22:57

Flojo, if you think eclampsia is trivial, you really aren't the best person to advise others on health risks. Eclampsia kills mothers and babies. We are very, very lucky to live today, in a developed country with good health care so generally pre-eclampsia is picked up in time to save both mother and child. Before the NHS, it was a common killer. And still is in some parts of the world.

Fabulousfreaks · 14/10/2012 22:57

Find your own evidence, this was something I learned while working for a charity that helped people with addictions. If you don't believe me what do I care? Your attitude is appalling and judging by your posts unlikely to change so I am damned if I will go to the effort of finding and posting medical eveidence for you to deny.

You actually don't get that it is addictive or that it is hard to quit, you don't get it all.

bumperella · 14/10/2012 22:58

Huh? Pregnancy isn't 9 months of hell - not to most people anyhow. Neither is it hard work. Just kind of get on w9th it, surely?

Flojo1979 · 14/10/2012 22:59

bumper your missing the point. Knowing its bad for u and acting on it are 2 different things and not everyone either smokes or is over weight or drinks. Some ppl care about their healthy and that or their children and has self control.

Mummiesarescary · 14/10/2012 23:00

here obesity in pregnancy

here nhs website nicotine may be as addictive as heroin

Flojo1979 · 14/10/2012 23:01

Eclampsia is not trivial edam that's the whole point I wouldn't trivialise putting a baby at risk for the sake of a quick fix like a fag or a chocolate bar or a glass of wine.

Mummiesarescary · 14/10/2012 23:01

Xpost with worra

Flojo1979 · 14/10/2012 23:03

bumper probably right, was 9 months of hell for me unfortunately but hopefully I'm in the minority on that one. But exactly my point u just get on with it
Quitting smoking should be exactly the same, u just get on with it.

edam · 14/10/2012 23:05

Flo, you need to think about how you word your posts then, because they read as if you are making the opposite point to the one you apparently intend.

Re. getting on with it - that's the point, once you are pregnant (unless you opt for termination) you don't have any choice but to get on with it. Smoking or any other addiction is different - it's not one choice, it's 20 choices a day, every day. To give up, you have to keep giving up again and again and again. It's not easy, that's why there are so many products and types of therapy to help people do it.

Flojo1979 · 14/10/2012 23:06

Why is my attitude appalling?
I get it, its hard bloody work, never said it wasn't. But having kids is hard bloody work too, blood, sweat and tears. And no matter how bloody hard it gets, u don't sit by and deliberately, knowingly, damage your kids. It's utter madness.

WorraLiberty · 14/10/2012 23:06

Flojo if people could 'just get on' with quitting their addictions, there would be no nicotine, alcohol, food, other drug addicts in the world would there?

Clearly the fact is not everyone can just get on with quitting these things.

Or we'd all be a size 10 with absolutely no addictions at all.

Ummofumbridge · 14/10/2012 23:06

YANBU and she sounds exactly like my friend. She and her are DH both heavy smokers, years of ttc/mc. She became pregnant with miracle baby and I thought she'd go completely OTT on the health in pregnancy! But she smoked 20+ a day during her pregnancy and made no effort to stop. Gave the spiel about the dr saying it was more harmful to the baby if she was 'stressed out' by smoking.
Baby born small but healthy. Now a toddler the child has asthma and they both smoke in the house and in the car!!

I speak as a former smoker who gave up in all of my pregnancies. IMO its not even a question, it's something you do or at least try your very best to do. i never thought I could quit but I've done it for the DC.
All I can put it down to is selfishness. Pure and simple.

I'm not talking about people who at least try to quit or who cut down dramatically. Some people don't even try and to me (who knows how bloody hard it is to quit) that's selfish.

Your friend knows. She's trying to justify it to herself and others but she knows.

Flojo1979 · 14/10/2012 23:09

I used to smoke, I know how hard it is but when I decided to TTC I quit. It wasn't easy but like every other aspect of being a parent that's hard work, you just get on with it. No excuses.

Flojo1979 · 14/10/2012 23:13

Being left holding the baby at 8 months pregnant was hard work and when baby cried and cried, I just wanted him to be quiet. Did I shake him? No because I knew it would damage his health. Did I smoke when pregnant? No because I knew it would damage his health.
Whats the difference? Actually not a lot, except one is legal. Madness.

Pumpster · 14/10/2012 23:13

I love mn, most people agree termination is a woman's right, but woe betide they should keep the pregnancy and smoke Smile
I hate seeing pregnant women smoke, but its more the brazenness that seems to annoy me, if they do it furtively behind closed doors and feel guilty I don't feel animosity. Odd!

LucieMay · 15/10/2012 00:23

I smoked throughout my pregnancy. There's not many places I'll admit it, certainly not in real life. I fell pregnant unplanned by a one night stand at 24. I was totally unprepared for motherhood. Baby's dad was a complete and utter fuckwit throughout. I've never been with him and he has no idea where we are now. Pregnancy was a hellish time, the hardest of my life. I was very depressed and I tried to quit smoking at the start- went to see a smoking cessation counsellor and put my all into it. Managed a few months then crept back into it. By the end, I was 20 a day and smoking in private. I felt desperately ashamed, and still do (I lied and told everyone I'd quit and still do now) and excuse it but can only EXPLAIN why i still smoked as being because I was just so utterly miserable, alone and depressed that I didn't have the strength to quit. It was enough to get though each day. Luckily ds was a healthy weight and is a healthy little boy now. I'll NEVER admit to him or anyone else in RL that I smoked though, it's my dirty secret. I've quit several times since then (don't smoke around him or in the house) and am planning on quitting again. I am perfectly intelligent enough to understand the risks, intelligence has nothing to do with my addiction, it is a completely emotional process.

BattlingFanjos · 15/10/2012 14:01

LucieMay Well done for admitting it here! I won't tell anyone either (mainly because it's none of their business) but if somebody asks I will answer honestly and say yes I did. It scares the living shit out of me to look back and think of how I was when pregnant. I was thrown into it unexpectedly and didn't have a clue what I was doing. I have since made the decision to have no more children (not that the option is there at the minute! Lol) as I am frightened I would feel the same with another pregnancy (detached and unloving). Imo it's your decision, you made it and have to live with the fall out. Good luck with stopping again, hope it goes well for you! As parents we all screw up from time to time in different ways, you live and learn xx

winkle2 · 15/10/2012 20:04

The difference is you two were thrown into it unexpectedly and weren't sure what you were doing. This woman was planning on having a baby, was having probs conceiving yet still carries on doing something that is dangerous to the child? Selfish.

NatashaBee · 15/10/2012 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

digerd · 15/10/2012 20:42

8 weeks, bet she doesn't even get morning sickness, which could stop her smoking. Worry about the baby though after it's born in the smoking grandparents house. My brother smoked 40 a day for 45 years, while at work and at home with their 2 children and first grandchild, but 14 years on, when a 2nd grandchild was born and they were looking after baby full -time, my sister-in-law managed to ban him from smoking in the house at all, and he cut down to 10-15?. he is 71 now and fit as a fiddle with no cough or breathing difficulties. But a house full of smokers is not a healthy environment for the baby. Is her decision though, but that will not stop you from worrying.

PropertyNightmare · 15/10/2012 20:45

Yanbu. I'm with the poster upthread who branded your friend an idiot. Though I'd add 'selfish' and 'irresponsible' to 'idiot' tbh.