to be angry at my friend who continues to smoke despite being pregnant?

[amandine07]

This could be (very) controversial...

A good friend of mine recently announced she is PG- I was delighted for her, they have been trying for over a year, I had been a shoulder to cry on for most of the last year as she feared it wouldn't happen as she is 37.

She is about 8 weeks along and continues to smoke about 15 cigarettes a day, she has cut down from 20 so this is progress. She insists it would be more harmful for the baby if she continued to drink alcohol and smoking is "the lesser of 2 evils" and has no plans to give up completely.

I'm sure many of you will say this is none of my business- I'm sure it isn't. I just can't believe her attitude after spending most of the last 12 months going on about being barren, infertile etc.

Also, another close friend has been trying for 3.5 years to become PG and has just failed a 2nd round of IVF- she is utterly devasted & I have witnessed how hellish infertility can be.

This puts things in perspective for me...AIBU to be angry with my friends seeming nonchalance with the whole smoking thing?

There is a fair bit of support available for mothers who wish to stop and reduce smoking. There is a dedicated national helpline along with local provision which should include generic help plus targeted help.

It's hard to know what to say when you ask
midwife 'Would you like to hear about the problems with smoking in pregnancy?'
Mother: No
Midwife 'Can I offer you an appointment or a phone call from the midwife who helps people reduce?'
Mother: No

Midwife : Ok, I'll leave a leaflet in your notes if that's ok?
Mother: Sure/No.

I do agree however, that none of us are perfect. In pregnancy I rarely got my 5 a day and I was just about obese with a BMI of 30.5. I ran risks with my children's healtnh purely based on lifestyle choice. I think we all do to some extent.

Speaking as someone who neurotically avoided mould-ripened cheese, runny eggs, rare steak and pate through all three of my pregnancies, I don't think YABU at all! Technically it may be none of your business, but I would lose all respect for a friend of mine who did that. My Mum smoked when she was pregnant with me, which conveniently allows me to blame every little ailment on her. She gets really angry when I do that, and I like to think it's because deep down she feels guilty but won't admit it.

Ah I will clarify that I have not 'got angry' with her face to face- I expressed surprise that she was still smoking & asked if her GP has offered her any information or support.

I mentioned nicotine replacement patches/gum to help get her through the early stages. The most venting of this anger has been on here.
At work, every day of my working life I deal with people who are in hospital for a number of reasons, but mainly due to very bad lifestyles- mostly smoking & drinking to excess.
I most definitely do not angry with all of them!

For anyone that needs it

smokefree.nhs.uk/smoking-and-pregnancy/pregnancy-smoking-helpline/

Don't forget all the nictotine patches etc can be prescribed free and the helplines/sesisons take a CBT approach so can be equally empowering for all aspects of life. I need it for my diet

I think the OP is saying on one hand she has a friend who is desperate for a child and going through IVF to have one and on the other hand she has a friend who is selfish enough to carry on smoking whilst carrying a much longed for baby.

As someone who has been TTC for a year I def don't think yabu and def think she is.

I remember being at a wedding once.

There was a lady there who was 8 months pregnant with her 4th dc. She was quite small, so her bump protruded quite a lot.

I clearly remember her puffing away on a fag, one in the mouth, one behind her ear, and a pint of lager balanced delicately on her bump.

She was (is) married to a GP!

sometimes it is fear of giving up.

there is alot of help and support out there to give up, but it is up to your friend to make this step not just for her baby but for herself

Yes winkle that's exactly what I was trying to get across.
I have 2 close friends, both want to become mothers & both have been on the emotional roller coaster of TTO.

From this point of view I can't just sit back and think "oh she's still smoking, no big deal". But then that's just me and my opinions.

Was she smoking whilst TTC? I am a social smoker and do enjoy a fag once on a while but I've really really tried to stop completely in case it's affecting my ability to conceive.

Yes she was smoking as normal during TTC- her GP did explain to her how smoking reduces fertility especially as well as her being 37.

Her husband smokes as well so this would have affected his sperm...in some ways I think they are lucky to have conceived with some of the odds against them. I just thought she'd realise more how precious this pregnancy is...or maybe that is just me?

I agree with you totally - as would the girls in the Conception boards, I'd imagine.

I know what you're saying.

I had a bit of a heated debate on here the other day about overweight/obese women choosing to get pregnant and seemingly not caring/not realising the risks towards the baby and themselves.

But at the end of the day, you have to accept that people will take risks. Sometimes they work out ok and sometimes they don't.

Also, the baby might be born ok but no-one knows what affect if any, these things will have on the baby in later life.

All you can do is offer her help and support if she actually wants it.

I don't really see losing weight and smoking as being the same, simply because losing weight takes much longer and smoking can be quit pretty quickly. But then I would say that because I found it much easier to give up smoking than I do to lose weight :)

I am afraid it is not your business so yabu.

Yes but TTC whilst overweight/obese is just as wrong as smoking because you're knowingly risking your baby's life and your own IYSWIM.

So no matter how long it takes to give up smoking or to lose weight, both should be done before actively trying for a baby.

How is being overweight during pregnancy risking your babies life?
I get that u might be at higher risk of things like eclampsia or something but that's hardly the same a long term effects of smoking on children?
Especially as the people referred to in OP will most likely be smoking in the same house as baby.

It's amazing how many people pillory smokers as being "stupid" even though some of them are highly educated and successful. So convenient to apply a label that says "not one of us" and forget about it. IMO most smokers know very well the health issues to themselves and others. They aren't even "choosing to ignore them" so much as unable to act on it.

I don't smoke, incidentally, but the implication that "all smokers are stupid" REALLY annoys me.

Because it is stupid to put your health at risk

Smoking is more addictive than heroin. While a small number of people are able to give up easily, most find it one of the hardest things to do. Judgmental attitudes will not help someone to give up, it will just make them feel like shit which will in turn cause them to use their emotional crutches and the cycle continues.

If you really want to "help" your friend give up you need to change your attitude.

flojo if your over weight your more at risk of stillbirth, pg induced diabetes which can case stillbirth or other health problems for the baby

Based on some nonsense usually, that "it'll never happen to me" and "uncle wotshisname smoked 30 a day and live to 83 so i'll be fine".
No excuse for it. These people with degrees and masters etc are clearly capable of determination, so why be so feeble and weak willed over smoking?

flojo, no shit. Smoking puts your health at risk.... amazing.

So doing a stupid thing makes you stupid, does it?
Eating to the point of being overweight endangers your health. Does that make overweight people a bit dim?
What about not taking enough exercise? That's pretty thick, too - so unfit people are stupid, too?
There's nowhere to stop with this, as almost everyone knowingly does something which isn't so great for their health. So do we just say everyone is stupid?

Flojo1979 I'm too worn out from the thread the other day to go into it again

Although I must say something that thread made me realise, is that so many people have little/no clue about the risks.

Maybe that's something the NHS should get on top of now that there seems to be far less smokers and more overweight/obese mothers?

I'll find a link

Flojo, that's nonesense, very few smokers will be unaware of the damage smpking does. Unless they're taking the p*ss out of someone having a go at them?

Jesus Flojo you would certainly never be hired as a addiction counsellor.

"why be so feeble and weak willed over smoking? " because it is physiologically one of the most addictive things there is, that's why. Save your condemnation for the tobacco companies.